Thursday, August 27, 2015


Watched July 27, 2015

Starring: Andrea Occhipinti, Jorge Rivero, Sabrina Siani

I had never heard of this movie before, it's pretty crazy but it fits into the early '80s Beastmaster type fantasy model. Lots of tiny loin clothes and crazy cave man adventures.
A young man, Ilias (Andrea Occhinpinti) is given a bow by his people with the task of going to a foreign land. Once he becomes a man he will be able to make the bow shoot laser arrows that go wherever he needs them.

The other land is ruled by Ocron (Sabrina Siani) a lady who wears a golden full head helmet and a tiny thong. She had something to do with making the sun rise. She rules a gang of weasel faced wookiees that kill people and bring the heads for her to eat the brains. Ocron has a vision of Ilias killing her, so she sends her minions to kill him first. She summons a demon god to bring more bad things to attack Ilias and Mace.

On his journey, Ilias meets up with Mace (Jorge Rivero) when Mace saves him from being attacked by Ocron's henchmen creatures. Mace is a random warrior who has no problem killing a man to take the boar that he has killed, even though he explains that he didn't kill the boar, he's on the side of the animals. Right before Mace saved Ilias, Ilias saved a mud haired girl from a snake.  Mace knows the girl's family, they share a sheep that they stole from some guy with the family. The girl and Ilias make eyes at each other as they eat the meat. They all go to the sleep but the girl wakes Ilias to go make out, but then the girl is killed by the Ocron's creatures. Ilias is kidnapped and Mace is knocked out. Mace comes to and finds Ilias tied up, but they manage to escape the creatures anyway. They are then attacked by a mysterious poisonous arrow plant. While running away, Ilias is hit and gets a really bad infection, that could kill him. Mace leaves him to find a special plant that could heal him, but he is attacked again. He does makes it back to save Ilias from the poison. Ilias decides that he'll never become a man and heads home in a handmade boat. Mace is then captured by Ocron's creatures, but Ilias comes back and by doing that becomes a man that can shoot laser arrows.

Back together, Ilias and Mace decide to find Ocron, but that night Ilias is sucked into a black light cave. Mace goes after him but can't see what's happening, once he finds Ilias he is already dead and decapitated. Elias's head is taken to Ocron, but she knows that Ilias still has his soul even though he is head. Mace burns Ilias's body and rubs the ashes on his face giving him the laser arrow power. Mace finds Ocron, who takes off her mask to reveal a monkey skull face. Then Mace kills her and she turns into a wolf. Mace leaves to fight another day.

Lots of crazy things happen in this movie. At the beginning a young girl is ripped in half, then decapitated. Ilias has a crazy leather crop top and loin skirt combo outfit. If you like lots of fighting, oozing wounds, and exclusively topless women this movie is for you. It gets a little slow in the middle but the action scenes make up for it. There is also a part where Mace is saves from drowning by some dolphins.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Mirror Mirror 2: Raven Dance

Watched July 13, 2015

Starring: Tracy Wells, Roddy McDowall, Mark Ruffalo, Sally Kellerman

I was blown away to find the not that great movie Mirror Mirror has a sequel, but it was a surprise VHS find. 

Marlee (Tracy Wells) and her younger brother Jeffrey (Carlton Beener) are recouperating at a nunnery after the death of their parents. Marlee's much older step-sister Roslyn (Sally Kellerman) wants to get the money that was left by Marlee's parents. Roslyn has been working with Dr. Lasky (Roddy McDowall) to keep Marlee sedated until a certain date, I'm not completely sure. 

Marlee is not sedated the whole time, she invites a grunge band to come play in the nunnery's dance space but the mirror doesn't like them and they are all burnt to a crisp but Marlee and Jeffrey survive.  This only adds to Marlee and Jeffrey's state of shock.

Roslyn hires a crazy groundskeeper to torture Marlee so that she seems unfit to inherit the money. The haunted mirror is in Marlee's room. After the band was burned she lost partial sight, but when she looks at the mirror it's perfectly clear. She begins to dance again, her passion,  for the mirror and she falls in love with the mirror. This makes them mirror demon do her bidding. Jeffrey seems autistic a first, playing his violin, but he's fine and it turns out he's the only pure one the mirror demon can't touch. 

A young man, Christian (Mark Ruffalo) shows up randomly and starts hanging out with Marlee. The nuns explain that he's a former orphan. It seems that there are only there are only two nuns in the whole place. After a ton of dancing around by Marlee, the mirror demon goes berserk. It takes Dr. Lasky into the mirror zone, kills the groundskeeper with acid and makes Roslyn look old, her worst fear. The mirror then tries to kill the blind nun, but Jeffrey stabs it. This makes the demon come out to attack, but Christian takes one for the team and stabs the demon with a special knife. Marlee then wishes none of this happens and it takes her back in time to the trade places the very first woman who interacted with the mirror.

I found Mirror Mirror 2 to be long and boring. The plot of the older step sister trying to get money from Marlee didn't make a lot of sense. It makes the first Mirror Mirror look fantastic. There is too much dancing from Marlee, but it's kind of fun to see Mark Ruffalo in an early role. Overall it's really slow and dull with a very strange soundtrack.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

The Hidden

Watched July 6, 2015

Starring: Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Nouri, Claudia Christian

It begins with a crazy dude robbing a bank and shooting a bunch of hostages. He then steals a Lamborghini and leads the cops on the crazy chase that ends in a death defying shoot out and crash. The robber is super burned during the car crash but somehow is still alive and taken to the hospital. At the hospital, just before he dies he transfers his internal alien parasite into the man in the bed beside him. The parasite's new body has a heart condition and gastrointestinal distress, but the parasite manages to revive him and get itself out of the hospital.

Lloyd Gallagher (Kyle MacLachlan) shows up as an FBI agent from Seattle to work with Tom Beck (Michael Nouri) the local detective on the case for all the people that the first guy murdered. Lloyd knows to chase the second guy from the hospital because he has some clue to how the parasite works, but he doesn't say that. He doesn't even reveal to Tom that he knows it's an alien parasite.

The parasite guy steals money from a record store, kills the clerk and takes a boom box. He then steals a red Ferrari. The cops track him down to a strip club but he has already transferred the parasite to a stripper, Brenda (Claudia Christian.)  She wears this dress that just looks like a strapless red mini in the front, but the back is all straps with a huge dip that shows off her butt cleavage, it's nuts. Now infected, she fucks some random dude to death and steals his car. The cops chase her but she has a bunch of weapons from when the parasite was in its second body. Lloyd and Tom chase her from a car, but she runs out onto a roof top. She is shot a ton of times and Lloyd pulls out a crazy specialized weapon, but she jumps of the building before he can use it. She transfers the parasite to a dog before she dies.

The parasite goes from the dog to the owner who happens to work at the police station. At the police station, the parasite infected guy goes nuts and shoot up the place. Lloyd was acting so weird that Tom arrested him, but Tom now believes the alien parasite is real and get Lloyd out of jail. At the jail, the current parasite guy keeps shooting everything. Tom and Lloyd manage to shoot him, but the parasite jumps into another body first. 

It all comes down to showdown where the parasite manages to get into a Senator that is about to announce his candidacy for president. Lloyd and Tom manage to get to the hotel where the press conference is and they shoot the bad guy but Tom is shot in the process. They Senator is dying and thecops are going to arrest Lloyd for shooting him. Lloyd using a flame thrower to light the Senator on fire which draws out the parasite and allows Lloyd to use his special weapon to kill it. The Weirdest part is the very end. Tom is dying in the hospital, he has a wife and young daughter. It turns out that Lloyd was such a good parasite hunter, because he's an alien too. But a good alien who has been tracking the party parasite who just wants to create havoc on Earth for some time. Tom is going to die, so Lloyd transfer his alien into Tom's body, so that Tom's wife and daughter will still have a dad, even though it's an alien dad.

This movie is great! The parasite is so gross and like a teenager, into slutty chicks, fast cars and loud music. I can't believe that I hadn't heard of this movie before, I highly recommend it.