Never Too Young to Die

Watched July 2, 2012

1986
Starring John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons and George Lazenby

I bought this at a thrift store a couple years ago based on the awesome box art.  I was completely sold by the back description of Gene Simmons playing the evil hermaphrodite villain Ragnar. This movie is pretty nuts, and I love it. It's trying to be a son of James Bond type of adventure/action movie.

George Lazenby plays deadbeat dad/super spy Drew Stargrove to John Stamos's Lance. Drew dies trying to foil the plan of Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons) to poison the water supply.  Lance finds out his dad is a secret agent at the funeral and inherits a ranch retreat.  Lance wants to find out how his dad really died,  he is told it was a car accident, but he knows something is up.  He goes to the ranch house where he finds all sorts of secret weapons.  Danja (Vanity) lives there,  I guess she was Drew's assistant.  She makes a point to tell Lance that she didn't sleep with his dad.  So Lance teams up with Danja and tries to thwart Ragnar's plans to poison the water supply.  Ragnar has a whole army of punk warriors that are sent to retrieve the disk that Drew stole before his death, as it is believed that the disk was sent to Lance. The disk is referred to as RAMcakes, which is really weird.  One of the greatest scenes is when Stamos is trying to not be seduced by Vanity, he does this by changing outfits, eating fruit and drinking bottled water. They do finally do it though, so don't worry. Luckily,  Lance is a gymnastic whiz he takes to spy work really quickly and in the end saves the day and the water supply.

There are several songs written just for the movie, one about Stargrove and another about being never too young to die. Both are fantastic additions to the excellent 80's soundtrack.

This is a movie I have watched several times and I plan to watch again. It's got action, punks, motorcycles with horse heads, hermaphrodite Gene Simmons, Uncle Jesse and Vanity which is a perfect combination for a good time.

Not available on dvd that I'm aware of,  but it's worth searching for on VHS.