1313: Cougar Cult

Watched December 6, 2012

2012
 Starring: Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, Michelle Bauer, Jack Kubacki and Bryce Durfee.

Sometimes browsing on Netflix can be overwhelming to the extent that you spend so long trying to pick a movie you never decide and move onto to doing something else. I've tried to avoid this by picking out less than 3 options for movie nights. I hadn't picked anything out for this night so Jen and I were just browsing when we came across 1313: Cougar Cult. Based on the cover art I thought it would be a super campy silly movie about older ladies that actually turn into cougars and kill dudes. Plus it's only 73 minutes long, so I figured I could get through just about anything for that amount of time.
  
Are you into Abs? Then you'll love this movie. 90% of the movie is just young men's abs, abs in the shower, rolling around on a bed, getting drenched with a hose and yeah back in the shower. This movie isn't porn, you see nothing more than abs.

 It begins with three older ladies Edwina, Clara and Victoria ( Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley, and Michelle Bauer) lounging by the pool. Their pool boy just finished cleaning the pool and goes to take a shower where he rubs his abs for what seems like an eternity. The three ladies turn out to be witches and they begin a spell where they turn into cougars and the guy disappears. The special effects budget on this movie was 50 cents because when they turn into cougars clip art stills of cougar heads are pasted on top of their heads. (I screen captured the actual cougar head image they used in the video to make my painting come alive.) It's worse than Birdemic. As a bonus the setting of the house they share is filled with the craziest art I've seen in a while. There is a giant piece of aged driftwood that tapers into two branches that have red high heeled boots on them. They also have the read end of an old VW Beetle that is actually a couch.

The ladies still need more young studs to appease their god so they put a craigslist ad out looking for summer help. Three young dudes show up, one of them is nerd because he has glasses and a computer but they all look like douches. A bunch of ab scenes later, at this point I had to fast forward, the women try to kill them all. One of the guys figures out their power in in a necklace and he uses it on one of the ladies, destroying all the witches. The guys walk out to rub their abs for another day.

I'm not sure this even counts as a movie, it's so weird. It's like porn for people that can't handle real porn they just want to see some fit dudes walking around.  I looked up the production company because there are other 1313 movies, but I still don't get their mission. All the movies do seem to be filled with shirtless dudes, so if that's what you're into there is a whole pile of movies waiting for you from 1313.  Somehow this was also filed under horror, there is nothing horrific or gory, it's just a big bummer of a movie that you cannot un-see.