Watched October 13, 2014
1988
Starring: Shadoe Stevens, Priscilla Barnes, Willard E. Pugh
When I first read the summary on the back of the VHS box I wasn't sure what to think of this movie. It describes Traxx, a disgruntled cop turned mercenary who just does wants to make cookies. I was pleasantly surprised at how this movie takes everything to the max and injects a lot of weird humor into a strange story.
Traxx (Shadoe Stevens) is a cop who gets fed up with the criminals he's catching just ending up back on the street to commit more crimes. He starts taking jobs around the world as a mercenary where he can just kill everyone. He does this for a while but is still dissatisfied, he really wants to start a cookie bakery. He finds a little shack outside of Hadleyville, Texas to begin working on his cookie recipes. Too bad he's a terrible baker, he doesn't know how to put anything together, and he doesn't seem to know how to use an existing recipe. He is evicted from his place and starts looking for work.
Hadleyville is in the middle of a crime wave, there is rampant prostitution, muggings and drug use is off the charts. The local sheriff has heard of Traxx and hires him to clean up the town. By clean up the town, he gets to shoot anyone he sees committing a crime. Traxx goes on his own spree of gunning down anyone who looks remotely suspicious. He meets Deeter (Willard E. Pugh) running away from some thugs. Deeter teams up with Traxx, so he can get his protection. Traxx is currently homeless since he was kicked out of his rental house so they end up camping near a lake. Traxx continues to try new cookie recipes over the camp stove, but he doesn't seem to get any better.
Traxx is doing a good job cleaning up the town, but the main crime boss Aldo Palucci (Robert Davi) doesn't like it. Aldo gathers his group of crime lords and they decide to hire the Guzik brothers, who are known for their ability to go crazy and take down any enemy, to destroy Traxx. The Guziks come up from Mexico and the first thing they do is kidnap a whole little league team. They tie the team to their car and head downtown. Luckily, Traxx is ready to take them down in tons of explosions. After the Guziks are taken out, Aldo comes to find Traxx at his camp spot. Trax had just whipped up a batch of Chile Con Cookies, he offers one to Aldo who accepts it. Aldo heads back to his car, rips a big chili cookie fart, then lights his cigar which causes his whole car to explode.
With Aldo out of the picture, the downtown celebrates and throws a big carnival. Traxx has opened his cookie shop, Snaxx by Traxx featuring Puppy Spirals that look like dog shit. I don't know if his cookies are any better, but they townspeople are so grateful they eat them anyway.
There are so many explosions, it's out of control. There is also a great cleaning up the town dance montage. Traxx is a very odd character, it's almost a black comedy because he kills so many people. When they break up the Stud Club, which is a whorehouse not a gay bar, they find a daycare room where there is a nanny taking care of all the working prostitutes kids. It was super fun and crazy, with lots of ridiculous action. A great movie that doesn't take itself seriously which is the only way to enjoy the insanity.
Watched September 29, 2014
2000
Starring: Jeremy Irons, Justin Whalin, Marlon Wayans, Zoe McLlelan
This was my second viewing of this movie as I wanted to give it a chance in a group setting even though my memory of it is terrible. We didn't plan ahead very well so it was a trial getting the movie on the fly, but once we did get it streaming it was still very bad. I have never played Dungeons and Dragons, but I'm aware of how it plays and I enjoy fantasy so when I originally saw it I thought it could be fun, but I was wrong.
The kingdom is ruled by Empress Savina (Thora Birch) who realizes that the caste system of mages and everyone else is unfair, so she wants to bring equality to her empire. Profion (Jeremy Irons) is a powerful mage who wants to rule the kingdom and believes he can do if he can control the powerful red dragons. The empress has a scepter that controls the gold dragons and that's how she maintains power over the land.
Ridley (Justin Whalin) and Snails (Marlon Wayans) are bumbling thieves who break into the mage school to find some good things to sell. While they are there the head librarian Mage (Tomas Havrlik) is being threatened by Damodar (Bruce Payne) who is the muscle for Profion. The Mage's student Marina (Zoe McLellan) investigates what the thieves are doing and binds them just as the Mage is killed by Damodar. Luckily the scroll that Damodar was looking for was whisked into Marina's hands. Marina escapes with the thieves. The fall on a piles of rags that turns out the be a dwarf, Azmath (Robert Miano) who tags along on their quest.
On the scroll are the instructions on how to find the special red dragon scepter. Somewhere here Marina explains what needs to happen to Ridley and Snails and they join the quest. They have many obstacles to face on their way. Ridley has to go through a dungeon of traps to retrieve the dragon's eye and special gem. All the while they are being chases by Damodar. The empress in the meantime is appealing to the imperial senate about her wishes to do away with the caste system. Profion is enraged at this and tries to turn them to his side.
At a castle ruin, there is a showdown with Damodar and Snails is killed. Ridley is also stabbed but is saved by some spells. There is also an elf lady that joins the group for awhile. Ultimately the red dragon scepter is found but it ends up in Profion hands. The Empress still had her gold dragon scepter but it's not enough. Luckily Marina and Ridley show up and help the empress get the red dragon scepter and Profion is destroyed.
I pretty much hated everyone. My favorite part of the movie was this cool accordion lantern that Ridley used to explore a cave. They use CGI for everything and it looks terrible. This was rough time in CGI when they figured it looked great so let's use it all the time, well it doesn't hold up and everything looks fake and it takes you out of the movie. I can't believe they killed Snails, who I enjoyed looking at compared to Ridley's horrible smirk in every scene. Jeremy Irons is taking it to the max but that still doesn't save it. I love Thora Birch and her outfits are cool and weird but that's not enough to save this. It's just such a mess that even to make fun of it is painful and sad.
