I love bad movies

For Christmas,  Liz Prince (cartoonist and fellow bad movie fan) gave me all the current issues of the I love Bad Movies zine. They review bad movies of all genres and it's just my style. Of course I immediately starting reading them and found out about lots of new (to me) movies to check out in 2013. While in New Mexico for the holidays,  I was inspired to buy some new VHS. The first thing I found was Streets of Fire,  which is the first movie reviewed in the first issue and I can't wait to watch it.

Check out the I love Bad Movies site: http://ilovebadmovies.com
Buy the zines on etsy: http://www.etsy.com/shop/ksen

1313: Cougar Cult

Watched December 6, 2012

2012
 Starring: Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, Michelle Bauer, Jack Kubacki and Bryce Durfee.

Sometimes browsing on Netflix can be overwhelming to the extent that you spend so long trying to pick a movie you never decide and move onto to doing something else. I've tried to avoid this by picking out less than 3 options for movie nights. I hadn't picked anything out for this night so Jen and I were just browsing when we came across 1313: Cougar Cult. Based on the cover art I thought it would be a super campy silly movie about older ladies that actually turn into cougars and kill dudes. Plus it's only 73 minutes long, so I figured I could get through just about anything for that amount of time.
  
Are you into Abs? Then you'll love this movie. 90% of the movie is just young men's abs, abs in the shower, rolling around on a bed, getting drenched with a hose and yeah back in the shower. This movie isn't porn, you see nothing more than abs.

 It begins with three older ladies Edwina, Clara and Victoria ( Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley, and Michelle Bauer) lounging by the pool. Their pool boy just finished cleaning the pool and goes to take a shower where he rubs his abs for what seems like an eternity. The three ladies turn out to be witches and they begin a spell where they turn into cougars and the guy disappears. The special effects budget on this movie was 50 cents because when they turn into cougars clip art stills of cougar heads are pasted on top of their heads. (I screen captured the actual cougar head image they used in the video to make my painting come alive.) It's worse than Birdemic. As a bonus the setting of the house they share is filled with the craziest art I've seen in a while. There is a giant piece of aged driftwood that tapers into two branches that have red high heeled boots on them. They also have the read end of an old VW Beetle that is actually a couch.

The ladies still need more young studs to appease their god so they put a craigslist ad out looking for summer help. Three young dudes show up, one of them is nerd because he has glasses and a computer but they all look like douches. A bunch of ab scenes later, at this point I had to fast forward, the women try to kill them all. One of the guys figures out their power in in a necklace and he uses it on one of the ladies, destroying all the witches. The guys walk out to rub their abs for another day.

I'm not sure this even counts as a movie, it's so weird. It's like porn for people that can't handle real porn they just want to see some fit dudes walking around.  I looked up the production company because there are other 1313 movies, but I still don't get their mission. All the movies do seem to be filled with shirtless dudes, so if that's what you're into there is a whole pile of movies waiting for you from 1313.  Somehow this was also filed under horror, there is nothing horrific or gory, it's just a big bummer of a movie that you cannot un-see.
 

Tales from the Darkside: The Movie

Watched November 26, 2012

1990
Starring: Deborah Harry, Christian Slater, William Hickey, Julianne Moore, Steve Buscemi, James Remar, Rae Dawn Chong, and Matthew Lawrence.

I have never seen any of the Tales from the Darkside TV show, so I'm not sure how the movie compares. This one has lots of big horror names attached: Stephen King, George A. Romero. There were some nice twists but it didn't really hold together as a great movie. 

  It begins with Timmy (Matthew Lawrence) telling Betty (Deborah Harry) stories from a book to stall her from killing and cooking him.

The first story is about a bunch of college students. Bellingham (Steve Buscemi) and Andy (Christian Slater) are roommates and Bellingham has just bought a sarcophagus with an intact mummy inside. He rips it open and begins to unwrap the mummy with his bare hands, which totally kills the resale value, but he finds a ancient scroll in the belly of the mummy.  Andy's best friend Lee (Robert Sedgwick) made his girlfriend Susan ( Julianne Moore) write a paper for him to win a scholarship that Bellingham wanted to win. Bellingham reads the scroll and the mummy comes to life. It kills Lee by pulling out his brains with a hook and then kills Susan by stabbing her and stuffing her with flowers. Andy figures this out, burns the scroll and forces Bellingham to move out. In the end it turns out Andy burned the wrong scroll, so Bellingham sends his mummy back to kill Andy. The supposed star power on this one doesn't make up for the lackluster plotline. I wanted to see Christian Slater making out with Julianne Moore until I figured out she was his sister.

The second story stars the awesome William Hickey as Drogan, a retired pharmaceutical magnate who is being terrorized by a cat. He hires Halston (David Johansen) to kill the cat. Drogan is convinced that the cat is on a revenge mission because his drug company killed 5,000 cats while testing a new medication. Halston thinks it's going to be no big deal and Drogan must be nuts. He spends the night trying to kill the cat but the cat keeps getting away. Finally the cat jumps down Halston's throat and kills him from the inside.  On a previous Terrible Movie Night, a long time ago, I had seen a clip from this as a teaser, it was nice to put it into context.  Drogan comes back to find Halston dead and the cat jumps out of Halston's dead mouth and then kills Drogan. Excellent cat acting, if there were animal Oscars I think this cat deserved one.

The third story is about a grotesque gargoyle. Failing artist Preston (James Remar) goes down to the bar where he is dumped by his rep. As he is leaving the bar a horrible gargoyle kills his friend but instead of killing Preston he has a request of him. The gargoyle says I won't kill you if you don't tell anyone that I exist. Preston makes the promise and runs away, pretty much immediately he runs into Carola (Rae Dawn Chong.) They hit it off and he takes her home. She moves in the next day which is pretty nuts. Preston doesn't tell anyone about the gargoyle by he draws it constantly. Jump to 10 years later, they're married with two kids and they're living in his same run down artist's loft. The best line in the whole movie is when they're reminiscing about how they met and one of their kids says "Is that the night that you thought dad was gonna rape you?"  Preston breaks down and shows Carola a sculpture he made of the gargoyle. Carola responds with "You swore you would never tell." Then she turns into the gargoyle, and it's totally awesome. The two kids turn to into gross out but cute little gargoyles. Gargoyle Carola destroys Preston as she grabs her babies and flies away.


In the end I really wanted Deborah Harry to eat Matthew Lawrence but he manages to escape and she's the one who ends up in the oven. I didn't expect the twist in the gargoyle story, so that one was the best in my opinion. It goes just seem like three episodes of a show jammed together to make a full length movie. I would skip the whole movie just watch the last story: Lover's vow and the part of the cat one where the cat jumps down David Johansen's throat.

The Amityville Horror

Watched November 12, 2012

1979 
Starring: James Brolin, Margot Kidder, Rod Steiger, and Don Stroud

This is another classic horror movie that I hadn't seen until now. My first impression was how nice it is to watch a movie that has actual production value. I'm not trying to put down the other amazing movies that we watch, but every once in awhile it's nice to have the dialogue line up with the way the actor's move their mouths.

It begins with the true DeFeo murders of 1974,  Ronald DeFeo, Jr. shot his parents and four siblings in their beds. A year later the house is up for sale and being considered by George and Kathy Lutz (James Brolin and Margot Kidder) who are newlyweds, even though she has 3 children from her previous marriage. They do know about the murders, but decide that the house is perfect for them regardless. They move in, but have a priest come bless the house just to remove any leftover bad stuff. The priest, Father Delaney (Rod Steiger) arrives while the family is playing outside so they aren't there to greet him.  He just enters the house and goes up to one of the rooms on the second floor. He begins to feel ill as he is swarmed by flies, then a male voice yells "get out!" Father Delaney does just that, he tries to call Kathy later but the phone cuts out and burns him so he has blisters on his hands.

The family begins to settle in and cleans up the house as strange things begin to happy. The youngest Lutz child Amy makes friends with an invisible something named Jodie. George is hit the hardest, he regularly wakes at 3:15 am, when the DeFeo murders occurred. He is constantly cold feeling strange drafts in the house so he compulsively chops wood to feed the fire. Odd things happen like Kathy's brother loses $1500 right before his wedding. George stops working and gets super stressed out. The front door is blown off it's hinges at 3:15 am one night. Several people that visit have a horrible feeling about the house, one of these people is George's business partner's wife. They follow her lead down to the basement where she senses the gateway to hell is. Their dog Harry has been scratching at this spot. They break down the wall to find a strange small room that is painted red. On the families last night there, George goes really nuts and almost tries to kill the kids but is knocked out of it and he gets his family out of the house as the walls drip blood. He runs back to the house to save the dog and falls into a red room pit that is filled with black slime. He makes it out and the family drives away never to go back to the horrible haunted house.

In these modern times the movie seems a little slow, but as I think about it again it's actually very strange to have a house slowly drive you crazy. I was a little surprised that the family didn't leave earlier, but then again they didn't know that they house was trying to kill them. I think it's a well deserved classic.

The illustration refers to my favorite characters of the movie, the babysitter with headgear who gets stuck in a closet and the gruff old detective who investigated the DeFeo murders and watches over the house as crazy things escalate. They don't play huge roles and never interact with each other, but I like them.

Miami Connection

Watched November 5, 2012
Special Terrible Movie Night field trip, we watched this on the big screen at the Roxie Theater in San Francisco.

1987
Starring: Y.K. Kim, Vincent Hirsch, Joseph Diamand, Maurice Smith, Angelo Janotti and Kathy Collier.

Yet another gem being released by Drafthouse Films, we caught this just in time as it was making its theatrical run in the bay area.  I was unaware of who Y.K. Kim was/is but was informed by a video before the the film he's a Taekwondo master, motivational speaker and author.  Notice that I didn't count actor in those credits, nonetheless he still wrote, directed and starred in this movie.

It begins somewhere in Florida where a shipment of cocaine is being received by some drug dealers. Suddenly a bunch of ninja show up and beat up everyone and steal the drugs. Unlike a lot of other 80's movies, the ninjas are the bad guys in this one. We then meet our heroes: Dragon Sound, a totally rockin' band that just got a new gig playing the hottest club in town. These five guys are not only in the band together but they all go to Central Florida University. Plus they're all orphans and masters of Taekwondo.

The band that previously had the highly coveted gig are totally pissed that they aren't the house band anymore so they physically attack Dragon Sound.  All the guys in Dragon Sound hold their own and kick some ass.  John (Vincent Hirsch) is dating Jane (Kathy Collier) who has just joined the band as another singer. Jane's brother Jeff (William Eagle) is tied to the evil ninjas and when he first meets John he punches him in the face for no reason.

With the initial set up of a drug deal, I would think that this movie would be about Dragon Sound busting up a drug ring, it's not. It just about some Taekwondo dudes fighting some ninjas. We get to see Dragon Sound play three full songs. They all go on a beach romp together. All the Dragon Sound orphans live at home and there is a subplot about Jim (Maurice Smith) finding his dad that is pretty rad. The last epic battle has Mark (Y.K. Kim)  defeating a ton of ninjas, specifically killing the white ninja who was the ringleader.

The sound is terrible, there are super obvious dubs that don't line up with the actor's mouths. There is a scene where Jeff and the white ninja hang out with some bikers that is ridiculous. There is a fair amount of filler and terrible acting. Jack (Joseph Diamand) gives a pretty great monologue about all the orphans going on a world tour to the countries of their heritage.  Overall it's very silly and fun because it's so ridiculous.

Night of the Demons

Watched October 29, 2012

2009
Starring: Shannon Elizabeth, Monica Keena, Edward Furlong, Diora Baird, and Bobbi Sue Luther.

I have seen the original 1988 version and I recall a few memorable scenes, but I don't remember loving the whole movie. This remake updates it with terrible editing, more gore, boobs and special effects but not much else. There is a brief scene with Linnea Quigley reprising her role and costume from the original.

Angela (Shannon Elizabeth) has rented a supposedly haunted house to throw the biggest and best Halloween party ever. We meet the main characters as they are getting ready for the party. Maddie (Monica Keena) is recognized as the heroine because she is dressed only kinda sexy as some sort of zombie. Her two friends Lily (Diora Baird) and Suzanne (Bobbi Sue Luther) are both dressed up in the same sexy cat costume. Suzanne has the gigantic boobs that are just about to pop out of her bustier at any moment, it's totally nuts.  Colin (Edward Furlong) is Maddie's ex-boyfriend and a drug dealer, he's going to the party to sell lots of drugs to pay off his debts to the bigger dealer in town.

They get to the party and you would think it would look like a really fun Halloween party but the movie uses these terrible speed cuts to make things look edgier, but it just looks terrible. The first hint of spookiness to come is when Maddie is in the bathroom reapplying lipstick a hand pops out of the mirror and tries to choke her.  Not that long after the party starts it's shut down by the cops because Angela forgot to get a permit. Everyone leaves except for the main characters.

When the cops arrived Colin threw his drug stash down a heat vent, so he make everyone go down to the basement so he can retrieve it. In the basement they find seven skeletons. Angela tries to steal a gold tooth from one and it bites her. The demon curse begins here. Angela explains the history of the house, how in the 1920's a lady got into the occult and held a seance. The seance had seven people that all got taken over by demons except for the main lady who figured it out and killed herself before the demons could fully take over.  Now there are seven people in the house again and the seven demons are going to try to get them. 

Angela begins spreading the demons over everyone. Some highlights are when she tries to seduce Suzanne and rips her face off and one of her boobs. Once Lily is a demon she repeats the main scene I remember from the original by sticking a tube of lipstick into her nipple.  Everyone is taken over by the demons except for Maddie, Colin and Jason (John F. Beach) just another dude. They take refuge in a room that has walls covered in spells so the demons can't get in. The demons trick them into thinking it's dawn and they can come out, but then they kill everyone except Maddie. Maddie realizes the only way to stop the full demon takeover is to kill herself just like the original lady. As soon as Maddie hangs herself the demons admit defeat and head back to their basement graves to hope for another bunch of idiot whose bodies they can inhabit.

Oh but wait, Maddie tricked those stupid demons by making a harness out of the noose, so she gets out of there alive. There is a lot of gore and tons of boobs but the build up to the big scares doesn't really pay off. I was much more just grossed out by some of the ridiculous things I saw on screen. The original is more fun, which isn't saying much but at least it doesn't have the terrible speed edits.
  

Scalps

Watched October 15, 2012

1983
Starring Jo-Ann Robinson, Richard Hench, Roger Maycock, Frank McDonald, Carol Sue Flockhart, Barbara Magnusson and Kirk Alyn.


Ugg... This movie seemed somewhat promising when I randomly came across in on Netflix, but I was very disappointed. I did really like all the ladies outfits, but that is rarely enough to keep a movie interesting.

It begins with old archeology Professor Machen (Kirk Alyn) getting called out that he hasn't tagged any of the artifacts that he was supposed and the deadline is coming up a in few days.  He lets his six students know that he can't go on their archeology trip to the ancient Indian burial ground, but he allows them go on their own.  The Professor gives the kids a weird old map of that he bought off someone to guide them to the right area. The most weirdly enthusiastic of the bunch is DJ (Jo-Ann Robinson) who is carrying around two wooden sticks that she constantly hitting together for some reason. Ellen (Barbara Magnusson) calls it quickly by telling DJ that she's weird. They all pile in an old station wagon and are their way.  We see tons of footage of them driving until their car starts to overheat. They stop at a gas station and an old Indian man warns them not to take any artifacts from the ancient Indian massacre site their headed to.  They don't heed his warning and keep driving forever until they find the spot on the map that they're looking for.  DJ begins to get visions of horrible things that will happen but she can't really decipher what they mean, so she just keeps clacking her sticks together.

They brought lots of gear for their camping trip but no one seemed to bring appropriate hiking attire. The ladies are wearing dress boots and shorts and carrying tote bags while the guys are just in tennis shoes. They wander around for awhile until they find the right spot to start digging.  DJ warns them that they shouldn't be digging up any of this stuff.  Randy (Richard Hench) finds a necklace while they're digging and puts it on. That night Randy and Ellen go to make out, but she's not into it so Randy, taken over by the spirit of Black Claw, violently rapes her. Ellen tries to run away but then she is killed and scalped by Randy/Black Claw. Randy goes back to the camp and everyone wants to know where Ellen is. They find her body and Randy says she must of fallen off a cliff. Randy/Black Claw continues to kill all of the other characters.  Randy/Black Claw is then shot by Kershaw (Roger Maycock) killing Randy and releasing the spirit of Black Claw. Black Claw then inhabits DJ and she kills Kershaw. At the last minute Professor Machen comes to check on them and is killed by DJ.

It just isn't a very fun movie, even with the kill scenes. They couldn't figure out a good way to shoot at night so it goes back and forth between day shots shot to look like night and very dark shots really shot at night. This makes the timeline confusing to what day it is. All the build up to the kill scenes is dull and doesn't make a ton of sense. I didn't really care about any of the characters, so when they died it wasn't a big deal. Plus they were warned multiple times not to mess with this area, but they did it anyway and they all ended up dead.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Watched October 1, 2012

1988
Starring Grant Cramer,  Suzanne Snyder,  John Allen Nelson and John Vernon.

This was my first time watching this movie, which I know is a bit of a shocker since it's such a cult classic. I'm not actually afraid of clowns, but I'm not really into them either.  Even though I've looked at the cover of the VHS a million times over the years I never picked it up. 

It begins at make out point, where we meet Debbie (Suzanne Snyder) and Mike (Grant Cramer) who are drinking wine and laying in a blow up raft. They see a shooting star land that appears to have landed close to them so they naturally go check it out. Instead of a flaming meteorite, they find a giant circus tent where the meteor landed. They walk inside the tent and check it out and it's a fun house circus of sorts but they don't see any clowns. They find a room full of cotton candy and it all seems harmless until they rip open a cotton candy sack to find a dead human. The clowns show up and Debbie and Mike just barely make it out of the circus tent alive.

Debbie and Mike head to the police department to get Dave (John Allen Nelson), an officer and Debbie's former boyfriend. Dave reluctantly decides to check out the crazy story that Debbie and Mike tell him about killer clowns, but they have to dump Debbie back at home first. Since she's a girl she can't go check out supposed killer clown happenings.

While Mike and Dave are back trying to find the circus tent, the clowns descend on the town. They use all sorts of goofy ways to lure people to their death. They show up with pizza at the door and then kill a lingerie clad lady.  One of the best kills are a clown that confronts a bunch of bikers and then punches head right off of a biker dude. Another is a clown that is making shadow puppets for a group of people at a bus stop and he create a shadow dinosaur that actually swallows all the people. There is also a great almost miss where a clown is hanging outside of a Chuck-E-Cheese type establishment trying to lure a little girl. The girl is sitting by two very terrible moms who obviously hate being parents, we think they are so distracted they don't see the little girl walking outside, but at the last minute her mom catches her, and saves her from certain death.

Mike shows Dave where they first saw the tent, but the tent has disappeared so Dave doesn't believe the story. They go back to make-out point and all the cars are still there but no one is around. Dave checks in a car and finds a cotton candy residue.  Dave now believes that something crazy is happening. Dave heads back to the sheriff department where his crotchety old partner has been killed by a clown. Through happenstance Dave figures out the only way to kill the clowns is to shoot them in the nose.

 Debbie is still at her house taking a shower for a good portion of the movie. Once she gets out of the shower, popcorn that the clowns had shot at her turns into snake clowns that try to eat her. A bunch of clowns have descended on her house and capture her in a balloon instead of immediately killing her.  Luckily Mike and Dave and two ice cream truck idiots see this happen and try to chase her down. It turns out that the clowns had relocated their tent to the amusement park which is where they take Debbie.

The showdown occurs in the circus tent, where they find the balloon that Debbie is trapped in. The ice cream truck idiots find two clown ladies to make out with. Mike and Dave try to fight the clowns but then the mega monster clown shows up while the circus tent is trying to take off.  Mike and Debbie make it out alive, but it seems like Dave is trapped trying to fight the clown monster. The circus tent space ship explodes and it seems like Dave didn't make it, but he pops out at the last minute. It ends with pies being thrown in our heroes faces.

I enjoyed this movie, it's fun and silly. None of the kills are very scary but for all the goofy clown business all the actors took their roles seriously. The clown costumes and make up are awesome, I think it still stands up 25 years later.  The comic relief of the idiot ice cream truck dudes is pretty terrible and I'm someone that loves bad puns, but they aren't in the movie too much so it's alright.

Yor The Hunter from the Future

Watched September 24, 2012

1983
Starring Reb Brown, Corinne Clery, Luciano Pigozzi and Carole Andre

Even though the cover of the VHS is awesome I was worried that it would be one of those caveman movies that has a lot of slow parts between the action. Boy was I wrong, this movie is action packed and awesome!

It begins with Yor (Reb Brown) prancing through the desert to his theme song. He stumbles upon some forest people just as a Triceratops starts attacking them. Yor is an awesome fighter so he kills the Triceratops. The forest people invite Yor to celebrate and eat the dinosaur. At the feast Yor meets Ka-Laa (Corrine Clery) and they are instantly into each other. Suddenly the less developed blue cave people show up and massacre the forest people, capturing the women and killing all the men and children. Pag (Luciano Pigozzi) and Yor are the only survivors aside from the captured women.  Pag and Yor head to the blue people's cave to save Ka-Laa. On the way they are attacked again by the cave people, Pag is captured and Yor is thrown off a cliff.  Yor shakes it off and climbs back up the cliff.  He then grabs onto a bat and uses it to fly to the blue cave people's cave where he saves Pag and Ka-laa. 

Yor has this strange medallion on his neck, and the forest people know of a woman who has the same medallion. Yor, Pag and Ka-laa head off to find that women but then they are captured by sand people in the desert. Yor kills all the sand people and the medallion women explains that there is an island which has the answers that Yor wants.  Ka-laa is insanely jealous of the medallion woman and she tries to kill her, but then a blue caveman shows up and actually kills the medallion woman.

Yor, Ka-laa and Pag continue on their adventure and make it to the beach where they save some kids. The beach community rewards them with a boat that they use to get to the island. It turns out the island is the future and all the different cave people are experiments of the Overlord (John Steiner).  With the help of the some of the future people, Yor destroys the Overlord and escapes with Ka-laa and Pag in an spaceship to start over.

The wigs are fantastic in this movies, especially Yor's and all the cave kids. Ka-laa just has some amazing hair in general. There are a lot of parts that are directly inspired by Star Wars, but it's still really fun to watch. 

Breeders

Watched September 4, 2012

1997
Starring: Todd Jensen, Samantha Womack, Oliver Tobias and Kadamba Simmons.

I think the best thing about this movie is the VHS copy we watched came in an awesome box where the cover was molded plastic that made it seem like the alien monster was popping out of the box. I didn't really like this movie, even on a campy level. Breeders take place in Boston, or so you're lead to believe. Every sign says Boston something; Boston college, Boston oil refinery, Boston monster haven.

It begins with the worst CGI space title sequence, I know it was 1997 but it was just terrible. It moves from space to a meteorite crashing down on a fictional Boston college. Luckily the rest of the movie doesn't employ much CGI, the alien monster is actually very well made. The meteorite breaks into a bunch of pieces that everyone picks up and make into necklaces. We meet the art history professor Ashley (Todd Jenson) who is apparently super dreamy and his entire class is composed of ladies who want to get with him.  One of his students Louise (Samatha Womack) manages to get in his pants. 

 Meanwhile we discover that the meteorite contained both an alien monster and a sexy space girl (Kadamba Simmons). Ashley sees the space girl and says "You look like one of the new students." The space girl tries to explain her odd connection to the alien monster, but can't seem to get the words out.  Everyone who made a meteorite necklace becomes connected to the alien. This includes Louise, but Ashley finds her covered in a goo shell and pulls off the necklace before she is totally controlled by the alien. The Boston police go underground to fight the mysterious alien, they don't really know what they're after at this point. The alien destroys all of the police in a kind of funny and sneaky way. The alien looks like a precursor to the terrible Godzilla from the 1999 American version.  A bunch of the female students are drawn down into the tunnels because of their necklaces. They find a girl covered in goo, they eat the goo and then vomit it up on the frozen girl. Ashley and Louise both make it down to the tunnels where they find the space girl. The space girl finally explains what is going on with the alien monster. The space girl is a human who was captured by the alien awhile ago and now she is the alien's egg holder. The alien needs a new egg holder and he's looking at Louise.  The tunnels from the school happen to lead to the local oil refinery. They fight the monster and throw him into a pit of oil where he explodes. Everyone else escapes safely.

So all the Boston signs made me think that this movie wasn't made anywhere near Massachusetts. Everyone had pretty good American accents but there were subtle slips into something else. It turns out it was filmed in the UK. I don't know why they decided to set it in the US, it doesn't add anything.  Ashley was always wearing a million layers while Louise was in a mini skirt, it confused me to what the weather was actually supposed to be. I don't recommend this movie, it was barely okay.

Deadly Friend

Watched August 28, 2012

1986

Starring Matthew Labyorteaux, Kristy Swanson, Michael Sharrett, and Anne Ramsey.

I had previously seen the epic scene where robot Kristy Swanson throws a ball at Anne Ramsey's head and it explodes, then decapitated Anne Ramsey's body still walks around the room for a minute before dying. That scene is super amazing, so I figured why not watch the whole movie. 

Paul (Matthew Labyorteaux) and his mom move into a new neighborhood. There is no mention to what the deal is with Paul's dad, but whatever the reason he's not around. Paul is a friendless genius who is working on a project at the University. He has a bright yellow robot buddy named BB, I'm not sure if he built BB, but I assume he did. BB doesn't have a synth-y awesome robot voice, he has a creepy gremlin voice that he mumbles half words with, mostly just saying his name. For the first time Paul finds a friend in his neighbor Sam (Kristy Swanson). But Sam has a big secret, her dad beats the crap out of her regularly. 

While playing basketball, their ball falls into the yard of their neighbor Elvira (Anne Ramsey). They try to get it, and Elvira pulls a gun on them because she hates visitors and anyone trying to get into her locked yard. On Halloween, they decide to get their basketball back.  BB figures out the combo to the lock on the fence and they break in.  Elvira hear them, grabs her gun and shoots BB a million times with a shotgun destroying it. Paul is very distraught about losing his robot friend. I don't understand why he just can't rebuild BB. Paul and him mom have Sam over for dinner.  Paul walks her home and kisses her. Once at home, Sam's dad freaks out and pushes her down the stairs and she breaks her neck. Paul is again devastated, he has just lost his robot and now his girlfriend is brain dead at the hospital. 

At the University he has been doing some tests on brain reanimation. Paul thinks that he can bring Sam back to life. So Paul and his other friend Tom (Michael Sharrett) drug his mom so they can sneak off to the hospital. Paul and Tom break into the hospital and steal Sam's body just as she is being taken off life support. Paul puts BB's chip into Sam's head and she comes back to life. Sam comes back as half Sam and half BB, but she can't talk so she appears to be mostly robot.  Paul is mainly just trying to hide her from everyone because I don't think he really thought this whole thing through. BB had some rage issues so Sam pretty much immediately kills her dad. Sam lures him down to the basement with a bottle of booze and then pushes him into the furnace. Paul finds this out and hides the body of the dad in a coal bin. 

I can't figure out why Paul doesn't try to make out with Sam. Why bring back your girlfriend if she can't talk and you're not going to try to have sex with her. Sam continues on her killing rampage and destroys Elvira with a basketball in the best scene of the movie.  Elvira had called the cops before she was killed, they show up and try to catch Sam.  Sam tries to run away while switching back and forth between BB and Sam modes. Her voice comes back but it's really BB's voice so all she can say is BB, which is pretty great.  Paul shows up just in time to watch Sam get shot. You think that this is the end but Paul tries again to bring her back and the final scene is Sam killing Paul. Good riddance in my opinion, Paul was pretty much the worst. He brought Sam back from the dead and didn't even try to explain what was happening to her. He just hid her in the garage or the attic.

The end credits run with a song that is just the voice of BB saying BB in different ways, it's pretty amazing. I did enjoy this movie, the basketball scene alone makes it worth it. I don't really feel for Paul that much, I was more bummed about Sam's situation with being a reanimated robot girl who was murdered by her abusive father.

The Video Dead

Watched August 14, 2012

1987
Starring: Roxanna Augesen, Rocky Duvall, Sam David McClelland and Victoria Bastel.

I liked the premise, zombies come out of a television and attack people, but it just didn't come together for me. The low budget is apparent and the acting is pretty bad.  It begins with a man receiving a random delivery of a TV that he didn't order and doesn't want. He accepts it anyway, the TV turns itself on and out of it come killer zombies. The man is found dead wearing a party hat. 

Sometime later the house is sold, while the TV remains in the attic. The couple that buys the house are out of the country, so they send their two teenaged kids to help unpack before they arrive.  Zoe (Roxanna Augesen) arrives first,  I guess she is supposed to be about 19 years old but she looks at least 30.  She begins to unpack the boxes when her brother Jeff arrives. Jeff meets a neighbor April (Victoria Bastel) who is walking her parent's toy poodle. The poodle escapes into the woods and is killed by a zombie. Later that night, Jeff finds the TV in the attic, gets high and watches it. A women comes out of the TV, speaks directly to Jeff and makes out with him.  Jeff thinks it's the drugs so he takes the TV down to the basement.  He did get a warning from a weird guy on the TV to cover the TV screen with a mirror to stop the zombies from coming out.  Jeff takes the advice and tries to cover the TV with a mirror, but the masking tape keeps tearing so he can't get a decent piece.  It's a great advertising moment for tape dispensers. Jeff finally manages to get the mirror attached to the TV.  Jeff doesn't stop the zombies that already got out and they proceed to kill many of the neighbors, including April's parents.

The weird guy on the TV,  Joshua Daniels (Sam David McClelland) turns out to be real and shows up at the house. He tries to explain what the deal is with the zombies, but I still didn't totally get it.  The zombies hate to look at themselves, so if you place mirrors all over they will run away.  Zoe, Jeff and Joshua try to zombie-proof the house with lots of mirrors. Then Jeff and Joshua head into the woods to kill the zombies. They find a random old shack and inside is the ripped apart body of April.  Joshua convinces Jeff to be zombie bait and create a rope swing to hang him from a tree. At the last minute he gives Jeff a bright red chainsaw to defend himself. The zombies show up, and Joshua has fallen asleep in the shack. He does wake up and shoot some arrows at the zombies, but that doesn't really kill them. There is lots of running around trying to destroy the zombies until both Jeff and Joshua are killed. 

Back at the house,  Zoe realizes something must be wrong because Jeff isn't home yet and it's getting dark. The zombies descend on the house and Zoe remembers that the zombies feed on fear. If you act nice to them, they won't try to kill you. Zoe makes them all some of her famous beans, then they all go down to the basement for a dance party. Zoe locks them in there, where they can't escape, and they eat each other. It ends with Zoe in a mental hospital and her deadbeat parents come to visit and give her the TV as a gift....oh no!

The motivation of the zombies is pretty unclear, they don't seem to be eating brains they just like to kill. It's also crazy that there is no way to kill them, they have to kill each other. It's not explained how they got into the TV and how they come out. There is no clue to who sends the TV either. The music is really intense, it tries to make every scene seem like something scary is going to happen.  It just didn't come together for me, even though there were a couple good moments. My favorite part was when the bride zombie pops out of a washing machine to kill a lady.

Class of 1999

Watched August 7, 2012

1990
Starring: Bradley Gregg, Traci Lind, Malcolm McDowell, Stacy Keach and yet again, that little gross out Joshua John Miller.

I was in high school in 1999 and boy it would have been a lot cooler and more fashionable if it looked like this. This movie takes place in a 1999 of the future. A section of Seattle has gotten so out of control that it's declared a free weapon zone where there are no police, like Escape from New York, except it's not a prison. All the kids still have to go to school. Principal Langford (Malcolm McDowell) has hired Dr. Forrest (Stacy Keach) and his kill-bot cyborgs to be retrained as teachers.  That's how out of control these kids are, they need really tough robots to keep them hitting the books. Cody (Bradley Gregg) has just gotten out of jail and is heading back to school. He is part of the Blackhearts gang, who all have adorable black hearts  tattooed  on their bodies. He's trying to be good to stay in school, because if he acts out or starts fights it's back to jail with him. The future drug of choice is "edge", which is snorted up the nose. I love weird future drugs, especially the "mist" in Prayer of the Rollerboys.

The robot teachers  (Pam Grier, Patrick Kilpatrick, John P. Ryan) begin by doing a fair job of keeping the kids in line. But it doesn't take long for their soldier programming to override their teaching abilities and they start being the crap out of the kids, including Cody.  No one believes Cody when he says that he was beaten by a teacher and that he saw one of them snap the neck of a student.  Cody's love interest is Christine (Traci Lind) who also happens to be the daughter of the principal. He begins investigating the teacher and he takes her along to the house where all the teachers live. Christine is clued into something being off when she discovers that Pam Grier only has a bra with no matching underwear. She concludes that only robots would have mismatched undergarments.

The robo-teachers are so bent on messing with the kids that they set up the two gangs to have a big shoot out. They're also convinced that Cody is the lead troublemaker, so they're really just trying to kill him.  After the gang battle, Cody manages to convince the head of the rival gang the Razorheads that the teachers are robo-soldiers trying to kill them all. They head to to school where the teachers show their true robot abilities by having flamer throwers, guns and claws for hands.  Principal Langford tries to stop Dr. Forrest since he controls the robo-teachers but Dr. Forrest is just a greedy capitalist who wants to make money by selling his robo-teachers to all the schools in the country (I think?) Cody and Christine manage to destroy the robots and escape the burning rubble of their school to fight another day.

The biggest fault for me with this movie, even though it was very enjoyable, is that if these kids hate school so much why do they go? Kids drop out of school all the time. I have the same issue with Class of 1984, but I have to say I enjoyed this movie much more than Class of 1984. The fashions are fantastic. I think the main gang attire of the Blackhearts are pink flowing scarves. So if nothing else it's fun to see the crazy outfits that are supposed to look tough, including tie-dyed leggings. This movie is very much a rip off of The Terminator,  Escape from New York and a little Rock 'n' Roll High School but that doesn't make it any less fun to watch.

The FP

Watched July 31, 2012

2011
Starring: Jason Trost, Lee Valmassy, Art Hsu and Caitlyn Folley

This movie is totally awesome!
It takes place in the not too distant future. There are two gangs in the FP  (Frazier Park) and they battle for street cred by having Beat Beat Revelation competitions. JTRO (Jason Trost) and his brother BTRO (Brandon Barrera) are in one gang competing against L Dubba E (Lee Valmassy). In the final battle of Beat Beat, the game pad is connecting to electricity so it can kill you if you don't do well. BTRO is 187'd by L Dubba E and JTRO is devastated by the death of his brother.

One year later JTRO is working at a lumberjack having given up on the gang. His old friend KCDC (Art Hsu) comes to get him,  telling him that the whole FP has been taken over by L Dubba E and he controls the one liquor store in town. Apparently if people can't get their liquor they turn to hard drugs.  Plus all the ducks have left which is a really big deal.  JTRO reluctantly comes back to the FP to avenge his brother.  He's really out of shape so there are multiple training montages to get him back into proper Beat Beat Revolution shape. While he back in town he runs into his crush Stacy (Caitlyn Folley), she is pretty much the worst, but JTRO likes her anyway. There is a spectacularly amazing scene that makes no sense at all.  JTRO has a bad day training so KCDC hands him a tampon since he's so bad he must be a women.  Later that day JTRO is hanging out with Stacy in a playground. She is digging in the sand and JTRO is confused to why she is doing that.  She says she's digging around to find a rag, because this is a good spot to look. WHAT!? Luckily JTRO has a tampon so he gives it to her. We had to rewatch this scene because it was so crazy.  It does show that Stacy is the trashiest, so all the slutty things she does aren't surprising.

Finally JTRO gets good enough to challenge L Dubba E to a major Beat Beat Battle. JTRO wins the Beat Beat Revolution battle, but doesn't kill L Dubba E. This leads to a crazy gunfight. In the end JTRO and his gang win over the town and the ducks come back. I won't spoil the last scene by the lake but it's unexpected and true to character.  I couldn't think of a better way to end the movie.

I have to believe that everyone on this movie had a blast making it.  I love ridiculous battles, especially life and death video game battles. L Dubba E has some of the greatest jumpsuits ever made. The imagery of this movies rules, and the slang is extra ridiculous.  I highly recommend this movie, it's fun, silly and ridiculous.

Season of the Witch

Watched July 24, 2012

2011
Starring Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman, Stephen Campbell Moore and Stephen Graham.

This one does have witches in it at least.  It's the crusades and plague times all wrapped into one. It begins with a couple of supposed witches being hung and drowned. The main monk knows that once you drown those horrible witches you have to recite some words from a holy book to really destroy the witch demons. The demon witch comes back to life and before the monk can say the right words,  the demon kills him. So begin the plague times.

Now we meet our heroes, Nic Cage and Ron Perlman. They're Knights of the Crusades and they're destroying heathens left and right. Nic kills one lady too many and finally wakes up to the fact that he's murdered a ton of people. Nic and Ron quit the holy army, wander around and stumble upon a plague town. They are trying to hide that they're knights but are quickly found out. They are then asked to undertake a special task. The town has a witch captured and they're convinced she is the bringer of the plague. Since she is a witch demon, she has to be taken to a special castle/abbey where a holy book can properly destroy the demon and give the girl a fair trial. A group is assembled to make sure the witch girl makes it to the castle.  They make sure a teen with a gross mustache joins the team.

As they travel it seems like the girl isn't really a witch, she just has the demon inside her. Sometimes she seems nice, other times she gets possessed with the demon and tries to kill everyone. She makes the trip really difficult,  one night she summons wolves and turns them into CGI wolves to attack everyone.  I wonder why they didn't kill her right then and there or at least knock her out.  Nic Cage seems to be bent on making sure she gets a fair trial.  Fair trials didn't exist back then,  so they should have just killed her.
They make it to the abbey and all the monks are dead from the plague.  The monk that is traveling with them finds the holy book just in time for the demon to show its true form. The demon flies around and tries to kill everyone.  The monk is killed reciting the words, who is going to read the holy book now? Luckily teen knight pulls it together, starts reading and finishes vanquishing the demon. Too bad Nic and Ron die doing their best to destroy the demon. The witch girl survives the demon leaving her body and the plague is gone. The girl and teen boy ride off together, obviously in love, because everyone else is dead from the plague.

I thought it was going to be worse than it was, but maybe I've been watching too many super slow movies that don't go anywhere. This movie isn't good by any means, but at least it's got lots of action and terrible accents. The scenes of Nic and Ron during the crusades killing people seem to be repeated a thousand times.  Nic Cage has a really impressive beach waves wig that looks likes he's been back on the set of Valley Girl chilling by the shore. Everyone wears a thousand blanket robes for costumes which is pretty entertaining. Nothing really blew me away to make it truly memorable.

An alright movie to watch with a group of people, I think it would terrible to view it alone.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Watched July 16, 2012

1982
Starring: Tom Atkins, Stacy Nelkin and Dan O' Herlihy and the weirdo little brother from Teen Witch; Joshua John Miller.

 Warning: There are no witches in this movie.

I found out there are a couple of unrelated movies that share the title Season of the Witch.  The first on my list to watch was Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Much like Troll 2, this movie has nothing to do with the previous movies. There is no mention of Michael Meyers or Laurie Strode.

 It begins with a guy running away from an evil matrix-like guy. The man is almost murdered by the matrix guy,  he ends up in the hospital clutching a mask. He is then strangled by a different matrix dude, who then gets in his car and douses himself with gasoline and sets himself ablaze. Dr. Challis (Tom Atkins)  watches this happen and has to explain the death to the man's daughter Ellie (Stacy Nelkin.)  Dr. Challis is a gross old dude, but all the ladies seem to want a piece of him.  Dr. Challis and Ellie team up to find out what happened to her dad.  They head up the the Silver Shamrock Novelty factory where the mask was made. This is where the real plot unfolds. The head of the Silver Shamrock company Conal Cochran (Dan O'Herlihy) has a super evil plan for the upcoming Halloween. He has put microchips that contain stolen pieces of Stonehenge rock into the masks he is selling. On Halloween as the kids watch a special program it will activate the masks and kill all the kids. Why he wants to do this is never explained, or I missed it anyway.  Dr. Challis finds out the plan and tries to stop it, it seems like he has done it by calling the TV stations and telling them to stop the broadcast. As the screen goes black you hear the Silver Shamrock theme and it's assumed that all the kids are exploding with blood and bugs.

I wouldn't recommend this. It's pretty slow and the plot doesn't make much sense.  The beginning is kind of awesome as it's a zoomed in computer screen that slowly reveals a digital jack 'o' lattern. The Silver Shamrock commercial for the masks is pretty awesome with it's minimal electro beats even though it's played a million times. You don't root for any of the characters as Dr. Challis is a horrible dad and Ellie turns into a robot. I like the idea of trying a new story since Michael Meyers died in Halloween II, but this one is not a winner.

Death Bed The Bed that Eats

Watched July 9, 2012

1977
Starring a bunch of people I've never heard of. (I did check it out on IMDB and it turns out that the brother is played by  William Russ who's been in a lot of stuff, including playing Corey Matthew's dad on Boy Meets World.)

I was somewhat recommended this movie because I had a terrible idea for a moment about making a movie about a vampire stop sign. What the concepts share is a bizarre villain, in this case a bed that eats people. This movie was never theatrically released, instead being traded underground on VHS until being officially released on DVD in 2003.

The first thing that struck me is that there really isn't much dialogue, but there are a ton of inner monologues and somewhat of a narrator voice. The basic plot is this: several hundred years ago a demon fell in love with a maiden. The demon created this bed for them, but the maiden died. The demon was so distraught he cried tears of blood on the bed. This made the bed come to life and it was filled with a lust for blood. The bed found a home in a castle and ate people that tried to sleep on it.  At some point a really sick artist was using the bed, but the bed didn't want to eat him.  Instead the bed trapped the artist behind a drawing of the bed. The bed and the trapped artist became sort of friends as the bed would give the artist gifts from the people it ate, rings and such.  Now in the present day 1970's, three young ladies come to the castle for a retreat. The first girl is super paranoid that no one likes her, so she is the first to be eaten by the bed. The bed is really good at cleaning up the mess so the other two ladies don't know that the first girl is dead. Sadly, the murder scenes are pretty mundane. The bed doesn't have awesome teeth, instead it just envelopes the person when they lay on it. Then you see a screen of stomach acid digesting the victim. The second woman is almost eaten but she managed to very slowly crawl away before the bed grabs her with a sheet arm and finishes her. The last women watches the bed eat her friend, collapsing in shock. Luckily her brother has been looking for her so he shows up and tries to stab the bed. The bed cannot be killed by conventional means so when the brother stabs the bed, his hands are dissolved by the bed's stomach acid. By chance, the bed demon finally falls sleeps which lets the artist in the painting talk to people. The artist tells the sister how to destroy the bed. She follows the instructions and the bed bursts into flames, but not before the women's body is inhabited by the maiden that the demon loved.

The plot unfolds very slowly and the deaths are pretty tame. The explanation of the bed's history doesn't come out until more than halfway into the movie. Everything happens painfully slow and the supposed climatic scenes are still terrible. The best part is when the brother's hands are melted off and he just stares at them, then they burn his hand bones in the fire.

I own this movie, as a friend gave it to me, but I never want to watch it again. The idea is fun in theory and could be translated into an interested 15 minute movie. But this movie really doesn't work even if you like bad movies.  If you do check out the bonus feature, the director gives a very detailed way on how to use the internet and message boards.

Never Too Young to Die

Watched July 2, 2012

1986
Starring John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons and George Lazenby

I bought this at a thrift store a couple years ago based on the awesome box art.  I was completely sold by the back description of Gene Simmons playing the evil hermaphrodite villain Ragnar. This movie is pretty nuts, and I love it. It's trying to be a son of James Bond type of adventure/action movie.

George Lazenby plays deadbeat dad/super spy Drew Stargrove to John Stamos's Lance. Drew dies trying to foil the plan of Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons) to poison the water supply.  Lance finds out his dad is a secret agent at the funeral and inherits a ranch retreat.  Lance wants to find out how his dad really died,  he is told it was a car accident, but he knows something is up.  He goes to the ranch house where he finds all sorts of secret weapons.  Danja (Vanity) lives there,  I guess she was Drew's assistant.  She makes a point to tell Lance that she didn't sleep with his dad.  So Lance teams up with Danja and tries to thwart Ragnar's plans to poison the water supply.  Ragnar has a whole army of punk warriors that are sent to retrieve the disk that Drew stole before his death, as it is believed that the disk was sent to Lance. The disk is referred to as RAMcakes, which is really weird.  One of the greatest scenes is when Stamos is trying to not be seduced by Vanity, he does this by changing outfits, eating fruit and drinking bottled water. They do finally do it though, so don't worry. Luckily,  Lance is a gymnastic whiz he takes to spy work really quickly and in the end saves the day and the water supply.

There are several songs written just for the movie, one about Stargrove and another about being never too young to die. Both are fantastic additions to the excellent 80's soundtrack.

This is a movie I have watched several times and I plan to watch again. It's got action, punks, motorcycles with horse heads, hermaphrodite Gene Simmons, Uncle Jesse and Vanity which is a perfect combination for a good time.

Not available on dvd that I'm aware of,  but it's worth searching for on VHS.