Terrible Movie Nights Issue #7

I have a new issue of Terrible Movie Nights, number 7! Boy, it's been a long time and this collects A  a selection of bad movies I've watched going back to 2017. This had a run of rock nightmare movies like Black Roses, Rocktober Blood and Slaughterhouse Rock.

 Also, if you enjoyed Demi Moore in The Substance, why not check out her horror roots with 1982's Parasite.

You can buy the print zine here.

Twin Sitters

 

Watched June 7, 2024

 

1994

Starring: David Paul, Peter Paul, Christian Cousins, Joseph Cousins

Director: John Paragon

 

I stumbled upon the Barbarian Brothers on IMBD looking at some other production. Their movies looked familiar but I didn't think I had actually seen any of them. We watched trailers for Double Trouble and Twin Sitters. Definitely capitalized on Arnold Schwarzenegger's success and bodybuilder/wrestler appeal in the 1980s. All the trailers seemed the same, it's a comedy with action and stunts and breaking though glass tables and going through doors and windows. So we picked Twin Sitters!

 

Peter (Peter Paul) and David (David Paul) work at an Italian restaurant as servers. Paul Bartel is a customer there with his wife. The cook is making gross food but people are eating it. The brother's trip, drop food, don't pick it up an order and they fight in the restaurant then are chased out by the cook with a decorative ax.

 

Dinner at home with mom and dad. The parents are supportive, one of the brothers is a good cook (not Traxx style) and they suggest they should open their own restaurant! Peter and Paul go to the bank the next day to try to get a loan, but they don't have any assets. They bring a bunch of food dishes they made and force feed the loan officer. They are kicked out of the bank!

 

Meanwhile Mr. Hillhurst (Jared Martin) has been using his trucking empire to dump toxic waste from Leland Stromm (George Lazenby) and making lots of money but is ready to quit. Mr. Stromm threatens Mr. Hillhurst's nephews as he is the guardian of them after their parents died.

 

After not getting the loan, the brothers go to the park. Mr. Hillhurst is there taking to government officials about exposing the bad guys. Then three of the bad guys good start shooting at Mr. Hillhurst right by a playground. David and Peter get playground kids to safety and by saving a real baby from getting run over, they're in the newspaper. They go to their gym, where Mr. Hillhurst's butler Thomas tells them he has a job opportunity for them. Mr. Hillhurst had to go testify and wants the David and Peter to watch his twin nephews, Bradley(Christian Cousins) the evil one and Steven (Joseph Cousins.)

 

The twins drive over to their house in their monster truck. Mr. Hillhurst offers them $5K/day for a week to watch and protect the boys. They agree.

 

Bradley and Steven are little troublemakers at first. There is a horny maid and a weird gardener and a sassy Black cook also at the house. But the cooking brother shares a recipe with the cook and they really get along.The boys say they only eat PB and bologna? At the first dinner, Brad dumps the food on the floor and glues one of the Brothers to his chair. The butler, Thomas is working for the bad guys and tells them which hotel Mr. Hillhurst be in, so the bad guys hires an assassin. 

 

Tuesday, the nephews try to electrocute the brothers in the pool but it doesn't work. The nephews continues to not try the food. The boys private tutor, Judy (Rena Sofer) comes and the brothers sit in on the class. The nephews try to run away and steal a car but the brothers are in the back seat. This breaks down the kids hesitance and the boys try the food and get fashion makeovers from David and Peter!

 

 David and Peter together go on a date with the tutor, but they bring the boys in their monster truck bypassing the security around the house by running over a car. 

The sniper can't take out Mr. Hillhurst at his hotel, so the new plan is the kidnap the nephews and hold them ransom until Mr. Hillhurst does what they want. Back at the house, poolside, one kid goes inside and is grabbed, fights back and the second kid goes in the gets grabbed. Brothers come in and everyone is fighting including the cook. The maid and the gardener are making out when a fight crashes through a glass door onto them. The boys are taken away by helicopter, with the Brother holding on until they have to let go and splashdown in the pool. Thomas tries to leave with the bribe money but the brothers call him out and get him to tell them where the boys are being held.

The boys are on a big ship. The brother calls on all their twin friends to help with the rescue, two Black guy fighters, two Asian fighters (gong sound bummer) and more. They get Brad and Steven back but the ship is rigged to blow up, they all jump in the water to escape the explosion.

The kids are safe and Mr. Hillhurst is no longer being extorted to continue working for Mr. Stamm. The Brother open their restaurant and all their twin friends come and eat. Mr. Hillhurst couldn't pay the brothers but are able to open the restaurant using their butter money?

 

It is a great movie, no, but there is a lot of fun stuff like monster trucks, double date with kids and a lady. Oh boy, the outfits! One million stars! Such a special mix of grunge, early 90s streetwear and wrestling/weightlifting fashion!

Cade: The Tortured Crossing

 

Watched April 13, 2024

 

2023

Starring: Neil Breen

Director: Neil Breen

I haven't seen Twisted Pair, this is the sequel so...? This is all green screen on still backgrounds or stock footage. It's a trip to see if they are able to walk up the stairs in their still image set, and most of the time they are not.

 

Cade (Neil Breen) calls Long Hair Doctor (Gwendolyn Brown), she's standing outside a fancy old building in Europe as the stock footage shows us. Cade says he's on his way and gets in his Ferrari. On the drive, he stops to help some people who are trapped in a car but then attacked by masked folks. He makes it to the event in the fancy building. He's never been to the hospital before but he's going to help. Stock footage of clapping at three difference conferences. After the party, Dr. Kurtz (Nicole Butler) and Long Hair Doctor talk to Cade about how great it is that's he going to help the hospital.

 

The hospital is beyond horribly run down, it's abandoned and overgrown, with dirty mattresses, broken windows, and mold everywhere. There are the two doctors, Dr. Kurtz and Long Hair and somewhere between 4-7 patients. Dr. Kurtz and Long Hair take the patients in a Ford Explorer on a field trip. The driver is clearly drinking from empty bottles but he shouldn't be drinking at all. They make all the patients throw out their crutches before they get into the car. They get into a horrible accident, they were already sick and hurt in someway before. The driver dies I guess, we don't see him again.  They need to get moving before they lose the light.

Cade happens to be walking in their field and he says he can help as he lives nearby. Before Cade take the group back to his home he fights a white tiger who turns into a buxom lady in a white dress, CGI whoa! Dr. Kurtz and Long Hair are either playing different characters or just don't recognize Cade because they call him a stranger. They walk on to his castle, he has 30 bedrooms but just one background. This is where Long Hair gets her name, she lets down four feet of her hair to try to seduce Cade, but he is not into it. Even though the castle is large, the rest of the patients just lay down on the floor and go to sleep. During the night one of the patients gets up to run way...? They all make it back to the hospital I guess.

 

Cade's twin brother Cale is stealing blood and drugs from the patients who are being experimented on. The patients are also helpers in the hospital. I guess the two women could be doctors and separate nurse and patients??? There is apparently a human trafficking plot where Cale is stealing people off the street and bringing them to the hospital for experiments? There are a group of police officers who don't do anything. The patients cry out, bleed from their mouths and eyes and but the doctors don't do anything.

 

One of the patients plays the keyboard in their room. Later the group goes outside and does a synchronized dance number to the keyboard song- best part of the movie!

 

Cale tells us the medicine isn't working for him. It's hard to tell if he's a real person or a ghost anyway. It doesn't seem like anyone sees him aside from Cade. 

 

Cade and the Dr. Kurtz fall in love, of course. Cade trains the patients to fight. They all disappear after the super big fight with the hooded characters. Cade first tells Dr. Kurtz that he has to leave, then he immediately changes his mind. The cops show up after the battle. Cade kills Cale with a magic sword because Cale is dying of face mutation. Uh...the end. He fixes the hospital.

 

All the trademarks of a Neil Breen joint but all green screen! The dialogue doesn't make sense or really move the plot forward, just talking. Who is running this hospital?  There really isn't a through line about anything. Cade is not a savior and Cale isn't an antagonist.

The Omega Code

Watched August 23, 2024

 

1999

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Catherine Oxenberg, Michael Ironside, Michael York
Director: Robert Marcarelli

I had seen this one before but I kept the VHS, so I assumed that was for a reason. I usually get rid of the movies I don't have an interest in watching again. I recently picked up Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, so I forced everybody to watch the first one in preparation of the sequel.

Dominic (Michael Ironside) is disguised as a Hasidic Jew in Israel when he sneaks up on a man who has been deciphering the Omega code from the Torah. The man tears out the last line of the code and puts in his pocket but then Dominic shoots him and steasl his computer files.

 

Gillen Lane (Casper Van Dien) is a motivational speaker/mythology expert. He goes on Cassandra Barashe's (Catherine Oxenberg) talk show to share his new book. He does mention the torah code and that is predicted Princess Di's death. He's very enthusiastic and the audience loves him.

 

In Italy, Stone Alexander (Michael York) gets a humanitarian award. Gillen and Cassandra are there too. There is a horse that makes Gillen have a spooky vision. Gillen wants to connect with Stone about something. Meanwhile in a tech basement, a guy with a Russian accent is using the Omega code to spit out prophesies.

 

Gillen goes back to his estranged wife Jennifer (Devon Odessa, Angela's old friend on My So-Called Life) and their daughter. They are only having problems because his job takes him away. They both appear to want to reconcile. He takes a teaching job locally.

 

Stone gets the prophecies and bombs the Dome of the Rock to make the prophesy come true. Israel and Palestine rebuild together and there is three years of peace. Gillen breaks his promise and doesn't stick around with his family, instead he joins Stone and Dominic on their 'peace' mission. Stone needs Gillen as part of the prophecy.

 

From the beginning, there are two angel protectors who look like men who have been sent by Job to make sure the prophecies don't come true. 

 

Stone is shot by Dominic when he feels betrayed by not being made the prophet. Stone magically recovers at the hospital revealing he is not human.

 

Here's what I got out of it: Stone is the demon/devil and figures out the prophesies then makes them happen. Gillen is the neutral good but is needed by Stone to make it all happen. Cassandra seems good at first but then betrays Gillen. Dominic is bad all along then pissed when he isn't chosen as the prophet. Stone wants Gillen as the chosen prophet instead. God stops Stone with a blinding blast of light.

 

I guess if you're really religious and know the bible, it's like the bible brought to life in a thrilling way! Except it's not thrilling, there is no suspense. The mystery to me was more "what the hell is going on?" instead of "what will happen next?" There are some cool practical effects car chases and crashes. I loved the visualization of the code on the 90s computers. Stone does manage a peace treaty between Israel and Palestine, unfortunately a real life thing that doesn't seem to have a nonviolent solution. Gillen's monochromatic suits are cool, the acting is fine. There is minimal horrible CGI with some around the world explosions. I appreciate a lot of things filmed on location. 

 

These "star" studded Christian movies are very weird.I don't know why I kept the VHS. I also have Left Behind. I do have some interest in the Christian apocalypse even if it's real preachy and not enough people die.

From Beyond

 Watched March 31, 2023

1986

Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, Ken Foree, Ted Sorel

Director: Stuart Gordon

In the attic of a large house, Dr. Crawford Tillinghast (Jeffrey Combs) is using a giant room computer, in the center is the "resonator". He manages to turn it all on and he sees swimming worms in the air, but one bites his cheek. Crwaford gets the other scientist, Dr. Pretorious (Ted Sorel) to check out the experiment and he loves it! Crawford wants to turn it off, but it attacks Dr. Pretorious. A neighbor calls the cops about the noise, but then her mini-poodles runs in the house. The dog goes to the attic, the lady finds him but Crawford uses an ax to break the door down. Crawford passes the lady on the stairs. Outside the cops arrest Crawford.

Dr. McMichaels (Barbara Crampton) arrives at the psyschiatric hospital. Dr. Bloch, the lead doctor in charge doesn't Dr. McMichaels approach to treating schizophrenia. Dr. McMichaels likes running experiments instead of locking people up in a cell. They do a CT scan on Crawford, he's in a padded room. Dr. McMichaels asks Crawford what happened with Dr. Pretorious. They think Crawford is crazy because he said the resonator creature ate Dr. P's head- but they couldn't find his head. Dr. McMichaels wants to recreate the experiment right away. (Give Crawford a break, he really doesn't want to go, I get it). Crawford is released from the hospital, he thinks he can just leave, but McMichaels informs him he is in her custody. They get Bubba (Ken Foree), a police officer/private security to assist them. 

 

All three head back to the house/lab, a crime scene, but no big deal for them to go back there. Crawford really doesn't want to go back and recreate the experiment but McMichaels is insistent.  They get into the house, Bubba trips over a huge power cable. Crawford rewired the house to power the resonator. There is a switch in the basement. Bubba and Crawford find Dr. Pretorious's S&M room and play a tape that Dr. Pretorious made of him beating a woman. Crawford shows Bubba and Dr. McMichaels the resonator. When Crawford tried to stop it earlier, he axed one of the rods so they have to fix it. They get the resonator working again.

 

Round 1, it works. They see Dr. Pretorious appear in a human form but Crawford touches him and his skin is squishy dough. They turn it off. Dr. McMichaels immediately wants to do the experiment again but it's late and they all spend the night at the house. Crawford has to sleep in the S&M room. They have weird dreams. Dr. McMichaels wakes up and turns the resonator on but it brings Dr. Pretorious as a monster that attacks her and rips her nightgown. Bubba and Crawford wake up. Thye can't get to the attic so they head to shut the power off in basement. But there's a wet basement worm there! Both McMichaels and Crawford are being worm kissed. Bubba rips out the power cable. Crawford is covered in worm burns and now hairless. Dr. McMichaels escapes Dr. Pretorious and Crawford rests. Bubba tells McMichaels to get dressed, they're leaving. In the S&M room, Dr. McMichaels is still horny hypnotized, so she puts some leather gear and grinds on a sleeping Crawford. Bubba shows up, Dr. McMichaels comes onto him but he shakes her out of it for a minute. 

 

Dr. Pretorius manages to use his brain power to make the resonator machine work again. They try to turn it off again but it zaps them. Crawford is too weak. A bunch of bugs attack Crawford and Dr. McMichaels but Bubba gets them to go towards the light. Then the bugs attach and eat Bubba, he's a skeleton. Dr. McMichaels is almost dragged into the Pretorious monster. She grabs a fire extinguisher and that briefly turns off the machine. Crawford's head worm has emerged. Crime scene #2.

Crawford is back at the psychiatric hospital being examined by angry Dr. Bloch. Dr. McMichaels has a crazy story now. Dr. Bloch is pissed and recommends electroshock therapy by force. Crawford awakens and his pineal vision leads him to brains- he finds the pathology lab. Dr. Bloch gets him but he eats her brain.  Dr. McMichaels escapes electroshock therapy because Crawford is loose. She gets the can and goes back to the house. Crawford eats an EMT's brain then goes back to the hosue too. 

 

Dr. McMichaels sets up a bomb on the resonator but is attacked by Crawford. She bites his pineal gland stalk. Crawford is eaten by Pretorious but then tries to destroy him from the inside. They rip each other apart. Dr. McMichaels jumps out the window and rips her knee but survives the fall. She's now where Crawford was at the beginning " IT ate his head!" but no one believes her. The neighbors show up.

 

Shot in Italy and Austria? Barbara Crampton is geat. Some weird timing, they take Crawford back to the attic too soon after he watched his mentor get his head eaten. Great gross practical effects. I have a hard time seeing Crawford as a sympathetic character. A little more explanation of the experiment would have helped as well as showing how entranced Dr. McMichaels gets. Good not great.