Elves

 

Watched December 21, 2023

1989

Starring: Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin

Director: Jeffrey Mandel

 

I bought this as a VHS to DVD burn to make sure I could watch it for the Christmas season.

Three young ladies go into the woods. The leader Kirsten (Julie Austin) is carrying a candle and an ancient book from her grandfather. Kirsten has drawn a sexy lady with a bar design on her boobs in her notebook. They light the candle but get spooked by a sound. The candle holder burns Kirsten's hand, she drops it, it breaks cutting her hand and letting blood spill onto the ground. The girls all leave, but the 'elf' is reborn from the ground. It doesn't resemble anything I ever considered as an elf, it's a goblin demon at best.

 

Kirsten goes home, her grandfather has a German accent and is in a wheelchair. He slaps her for going in the woods with the book. Kirsten's mom also yells at her and says she'll drain Kirsten's personal savings?! Kirsten has a little brother age 9/10 who says swears and says he likes girls with big boobs. They have a black cat name Agamemnon who is nice. The elf is trying to get to the house,which we see from the elf's POV. It appears in Willy's room. The cat saves Willy and scares the Elf away but the uptight mom thinks it was the cat.

 

Kirsten works at Golem's department store at the restaurant inside. She's a server. Her two friends come and visit her there. She takes a break to goof on the store Santa, it's Christmas time.

 

Meanwhile, Mike (Dan Haggerty) comes into the department store looking for a job. He's a washed up police detective turned store detective now unemployed. No job is available for him right now.

Kirsten is sexually harassed by Santa, he whispers 'oral' in her ear as she sits on his lap. Santa goes on break and is fired but then is stabbed in the nuts by the elf in the back room. He's dead. The sexy Santa's helper finds him. The detective suspects Kirsten because she got Santa fired.

 

While Kirsten is at work, the mom drowns the cat in the toilet and buried it in the backyard

Three guys show up and talk to the Grandpa, they're neo-nazi's. They talk about the elfs as an eugenics experiment breeding elves with humans to create the master race.

 

Once Kirsten come home she looks for the cat, but can't find it. We see that the elf dug up the dead cat.

 

With the Santa dead, Mike becomes the replacement Santa and moves in the the store back room.  Someone had put a padlock on his trailer while he looking for a job, but I don't think he was supposed to be living in the store. That same night, Kirsten and her two friends invite three boys to party after hours in the department store. Mike is there, he has disconnected the alarm and taped the door so it doesn't lock him out.

 

The girls arrive, they also disconnected the back door alarm and try on outfits and wait for the boys. But when they get there the door is locked by Mike. The boys try to get in, but the three neo-nazis arrive and beat up the boys, killing at least one.  The neo-nazis are looking for Kirsten, they kill one of the girls, and the second is killed by an elf. The nazis shoot at Mike and Kirsten. Cops arrive, Kirsten is the survivor. They know Mike since he used to be a cop. They dust for prints. Mike and Kirsten are released and he takes her  home but the mom doesn't believe Kirsten's friends are dead. 

 

It's revealed that Kirsten is the product of incest. The grandpa drugged the mom, raped her and made her have Kirsten.

 

Mike has been noticing a rune symbol around where the elf has been, he finds a professor to explain it and it turns out not to be a rune it's biblical instead. The neo-nazi grandfather created Kirsten as the perfect vessel for the elves. They won't kill her. The other nazis are killed by the elf. The mom is electrocuted by a radio in the bath. The grandpa explains the elves need the crystal he's been keeping for a long time. Kirsten and Willy run to the woods but she trips on a hole and hurts her leg. Willy goes back to the get the magical crystal and Kirsten stabs the ground which destroys the elf. Were there more than one elf, I don't know, that isn't made clear. What a weird combo of nazis, elves and Christmas. I had a big problem with the look of the elves. The looks at the department store are awesome. It's not a good movie

Deadly Eyes

Watched October 27, 2023

1982

Starring: Sam Groom, Sara Botsford, Scatman Crothers, Lisa Langlois

Director: Robert Clouse

The internet tricked me, saying this movie was available on all streaming services, that is not correct. Shout/Scream Factory did a Blu-ray release but due to lack of planning we watched a file entitled 'my edit' from a random user on YouTube that was so compressed that a good amount of details were lost, oh well. Check out the Blu-ray, the trailer looked great.

Kelly Leonard (Sarah Botsford) the health inspector goes to a grainery with George Foskins (Scatman Crothers). The grain has been contaminated with steroids so George torches the grain.

High school students are on a field trip where they are listening to a lecture about rats from Dr. Louis Spencer (Cec Linder.) Trudy (Lisa Langlois) talks to her friend about being over her boyfriend because she's in love with their teacher Mr. Paul Harris (Sam Groom.) They all take the bus back to school and Trudy hits on Mr. Harris hard.

Meanwhile, by torching the grainery the gigantic steroid fed rats now have to look for a new food source and their first pick is people!

 

Mr. Harris is also the basketball coach. Right after basketball practice, Trudy surprises Mr. Harris in the locker room and kisses him but he's not interested. The rest of the kids head to one kid house to hang out. While leaving, one teen gets bit outside in the snow. They come back to the school to get help from Mr. Harris who helps them get to the hospital.

 

At the hospital the doctors say it looks like a rat bite, but a very large rat bite. Here is where Mr. Harris meets Kelly Leonard (Sarah Botsford) the health inspector from the beginning.

At the teen party (kinda) I mean after school hang out. The host girl is making out with a dude in one of the bedrooms but her baby sister cries so she has to get in and puts her in a high chair in the kitchen. It's dark outside but it's also winter so it could be 4pm. The rest of the kids leave the party, the girl goes to get the baby sister out of the high chair but all she sees is blood. She follows the blood trail down to the basement, but all she finds on the baby sister is a bloody onesie! She is then also attacked by the rats, no one mentions her again. 

 

Mr. Harris is a divorced dad sharing custody of his kid. At the park, Mr. Harris runs into Kelly while she is jogging and he's playing with his kid. His kid plays hide and seek, hides in a tunnel and is almost rat food, but Mr. Harris gets him in time and nevers sees the rat.

 

George goes to check out something in some tunnels, potential rat stuff and is eaten by rats.

 

Kelly gets Mr. Harris's number out of the phone book. There's a whole beautiful scene of him trying to figure out how to cook a hungry man dinner for one, luckily Kelly calls and they go out. They got back to her place and have some fairly graphic sex with nipple kissing. In the morning, she gets a call about George and takes Mr. Harris with her to the scene. George is barely recognizable when they find his body. Mr. Harris recommends the rat expert, Dr. Spencer who explains the rats will eat everyone unless they're trapped and poisoned. 

 

Mr. Harris and his son are invited to the Mayor's new train line opening. Harris and his son are at home getting ready. Mr. Harris goes to change and finds Trudy in his bed in nothing but a slip. He's half dressed because he was getting ready for the opening but then Kelly comes to get them. Kelly assumes that Paul is sleeping with Trudy, she takes the son to the subway opening anyway and leaves Mr. Harris alone.

The teens all go to the movies. The brunette is waiting for Skip, the boy she likes but he works at the bowling alley and can't get off his shift. He goes to clean out some stuff in the pin reset area and is attacked by rats. The rats attack the theater, the waiting brunette teen doesn't get attacked at first but then is pushed out of a window as the crowd rushes out. Trudy is also crushed to death.

The Mayor and Kelly and a bunch of kids get on the train but then it's stopped because the rats have chewed through the cables. The party is awaiting their arrival so the Mayor is pissed it's going so poorly. Eventually they get off the stopped train car to walk to the station where the big party is happening. Mr. Harris makes it to the party but the train car hasn't arrived and he tries to warn them about the rats. The train does arrive and inside the rats are eating everyone. Mr. Harris and son and health inspector make it out alive.

 

 Highlights: dead baby in the first 20 minutes and they never check on that family again. All the teens die, which is satisfying. Sex scenes are too nipply for my taste. We also see two difference shower scenes with Mr. Harris, it's a lot. I love the freezing cold Toronto vibes, especially with the kids playing in the snowy park.Mr. Harris trying to figure out how to make a frozen meal for one is wonderful. But choosing to watch a terrible upload on YouTube made it so dark during the big scenes we couldn't even see that the rats are dogs in costumes.

Strays

 

Watched October 13, 2023

1991

Starring: Timothy Busfield, Claudia Christian, Kathleen Quinlan

Director: John McPherson

(Written by Shaun Cassidy, what?!)

An old woman lives in a old Victorian house in the woods with a bunch of cats. She looks in the fridge, no cat food there and the cats are hungry. She has to go to the cellar for more canned cat food. Tons of cats follow her, she reaches for a can of food and the cats attack her.

Driving down a country road, Paul (Timothy Busfield), Lindsey (Kathleen Quinlan) and Daughter Tessa (Heather and Jessica Lilly) are going to check out a new home. It happens to be listed by Claire (Claudia Christian), Lindsey's sister. The family talks about moving to this tiny country town of Garth. It's 1 1/2 hours from the city, which city who knows but that's where Paul works as a lawyer. But they need to move for their young kid, the city's no place to for kids. Paul's not super into the house since it's old and will need some work but Lindsey really likes it so they buy it.

 

They move in. Paul is a lawyer and Lindsey is a writer but her last book hasn't earned out so they are a little stressed about making it work. Claire is going through a divorce and has hired Paul to represent her. The family has a dog, Paul is very allergic to cats. The phone man comes to connect their service, the box is in the cellar but it's all chewed up by rats (or cats?). He says he has to come back but in the meantime he left a direct connection phone hook up in the cellar. They do have a cell phone, but it gets spotty service. 

 

The family is driving back from the town with fix it supplies, a cat jumps on their hood and Paul drives the car into a ditch. They see the cat saunter off, is it all a plan?

 

Claire comes to visit their new home and kisses Paul on the mouth too long, making Lindsey mad. Lindsey, Claire and Tessa go to lunch together. Claire talks about flirting with an old friend and Lindsey says she should just be alone for a bit.

The phone guy comes back in his red truck. Paul is at work and Lindsey is putting mousetraps in the attic so she doesn't hear him. Phone guy is attacked by a mean gray cat, he falls on some shelves and dies. Then a cool tow truck driver shows up, knocks on the door, doesn't get a response so he tows the phone guys truck- evidence destroyed.

 

Their car is still in the ditch. That night their dog is attacked. The vet does a house call and chides them for being irresponsible pet owners. Then the vet pulls a gun, a squirt gun! but it looks real and he says to use it on the cats, as cats hate being sprayed by water.

Lindsey finds a white Persian cat in the attic with one gray baby kitten. Lindsay and Tessa want to keep it even though the Paul is allergic. 

 

Lindsay is painting the ceiling when she pokes a hole through it. Lindsay puts Tessa down for a nap, but hears weird stuff and finds the crib covered in cats! Luckily the daughter had moved to the closet but the gray cat is aggressively trying to get into the closet. Lindsay and Tessa get to the mom's bedroom but the cats are breaking through the door,  Lindsay blocks it but now big gray cat is coming through the wall vent. Lindsay blocks that with two pillows. With the cell phone, Lindsay calls Paul's office but the reception is bad. Paul freaks out, cancels his court date, borrows his secretary's car and heads to the house. Claire was getting ready for the court date and gets a message about the cancellation and that Paul has a family issue. A big storm starts and Claire drives over to the house too.

 

Lindsay gets a pitcher of water from the tub but she had to break the knob to get it to work so the tub starts to fill up with water. Lindsay manages to call the police from the cellar phone connection. Linsay and Tessa leave the house and hide in the playhouse. Tessa notices a car so Lindsay goes inside to see who it is. Claire had been looking for them upstairs, a cat jumps out of a box and she falls off the balcony onto a table- she's dead! In an earlier meeting with Paul, as her divorce lawyer, it's revealed that Claire cheated in the marriage so that shows that she's evil and deserved to die.

 

Paul comes back to find Lindsay crouched in the driveway. They both go to get the Tessa from the playhouse but she's back in the house in the kitchen. Tessa crawls out the doggy door to Lindsay. Paul fights gray cat, puts him the microwave but the cat jumps out. Spraying water doesn't work on this cat but gray cat is electrocuted on a fraying wire.  Police arrive and ask Paul "Are you owner?" and the answer is no, the cats own this house.

 

They sell the house and go back to the city. Another realtor shows the house to a couple  but now gray cat's baby is watching.

 

It's pretty hard to make a bunch of cats seem menacing. The judgy vet is so weird.  There is a scene where gray cat sprays urine all over the house and they talk about and it's a pretty good reason to get out of there. The subplot of the sister getting a divorce is not needed. At first Paul and Lindsay are hot and heavy but the flirty sister makes mom cold. It's surprised the sister really died, she could have survived. Decently silly animal attack movie, no credit for the tow truck dude.

Bats

Watched October 6, 2023

1999

Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips, Dina Meyer, Bob Gunton, Leon

Director: Louis Morneau

 

Gallup, TX

Nighttime, two teens stop beside a railroad crossing. They're fighting but make up and kiss. As the train passes, they are attacked by bats.

 

Arizona

Dr. Sheila Casper (Dina Meyer) is a wildlife zoologist with a bat specialty. She's spelunking in a cave with her assistant Jimmy (Leon) outside the cave talking to her through a radio headset. She's looking at cute little bats when a helicopter lands. Dr. Alexander McCabe (Bob Gunton) and Dr. Tobe Hodge (Carlos Jacott) request her assistance because of the teens killed by bats.

 

Back in Gallup, TX, Sheriff Emmet Kimsey (Lou Diamond Phillips) greets Dr. McCabe, Tobe and Dr. Casper. They do autopsy on the teen and find a hug bat claw. Dr. McCabe says they're flying foxes, the biggest type of bat and he's been doing some sort of testing on them. 

 

Dr. Casper, Leon and Sheriff Emmet set up some nets around a cave area and wait for dark to trap some of them coming out. The bats swarm Sheila and Emmet's truck, aggressively trying to get inside any way possible, through the tailpipe and heating ducts. They drive the car over to Leon and the other cop and manage to get the bats away. They capture one under the wheel, tag in so it'll show them to the cave. They let it go but two other bats sense the tracking device and tear it in half. Sheila is suspicious of Dr. McCabe's research.

Emmet tells the town's mayor to keep everyone inside. Dr. Casper, Emmet and Jimmy head back to town where everyone is out and about, the stay inside warning was ignored. A mom is taking in night laundry and is attacked. The baby sleeping inside is a puppet, but the baby scene seems to be cut as the baby isn't attacked. Chaos reigns on Main St. as the bats attack. The junior cop is killed. Emmet and Dr. Casper are under a truck hiding but then the owner drives off leaving them vulnerable. Dr. Casper gets in a mini mart and shoots some bats.  Dr. Hodge dies helping Dr. Casper. Eventually the bats go home. The town is evacuated and the military comes in. Dr. Casper convinces them to give her and the team 48 hours to figure out a different solution to their idea of bombing the whole town to destroy the bats. Dr. Hodge died during the Main st. massacre helping Dr. Casper.

Dr. Casper, Emmet, Jimmy and Dr. McCabe take over the empty high school. They attach chain link fencing over the doors and windows then electrify it to protect themselves. But when the bats attack, Dr. McCabe turns off the electricity. Dr. McCabe has a mind link with the bats. After fighting the bats in the school with flame throwers and such. Emmet gets the generator going and fries a bunch of bats. Dr. McCabe is drawn outside and the bats kill him. 

The next day, Emmet figures out the bats must be nesting in the old mine. The idea is that they will freeze the bats as they sleep. They put on hazmat style suits because of the ammonia/guano fumes. Emmet and Dr. Casper go down in the cave while Jimmy stays above. They only have an hour to get the freezer to work before the military blows up the town. They fall into a river of guano. They find the machine and get it working. The temperature begins to cool. But Dina told Jimmy to the blow the entrance if anything weird happens. Emmet and Dr. Casper do make it out just in time, the entrance is blown up and the bats are stopped.

 

As Emmet, Dr. Casper and Jimmy leave a bat tries to crawl out of the ground but is run over.

 

Bats delivers on the title, there are a lot of bats in this movie. Boy, practical effects really make a whatever animal attack movie so much better! The pacing is weird and you don't care much about how the whole plan is going to work, but it does. Jimmy is the voice of the audience saying what we're all thinking: Let's get out of here, mainly. I was worried about the PG-13 being dull but it was fine.

The Birds II: Land's End

 

Watched June 30, 2023

1994

Starring: Brad Johnson, Chelsea Field, Tippi Hedren, James Naughton

Director: Rick Rosenthal 

The VHS box makes it look real bad, but the production is actually pretty good.

 

 A fishing and game guy is out on the water collecting birds that have been affected by an oil spill. He does some tests then the birds attack him on the boat and poke his eyes out killing him.

 

Ted (Brad Johnson) and his family are on the ferry with their golden retriever going from the mainland to Gall's Ferry. Ted's wife May (Chelsea Field) got a job teaching how to use the desktop publishing computer to the photographer Frank (James Naughton) who runs the local newspaper. They have two daughters who are age 9 and 11. They've rented an old house right on the water. Ted is supposed to work on his thesis to finish his PhD so he can do more than teach high school biology.

 

They have one car, a Ford Explorer. The birds are acting peculiar, but their dog is good at sniffing it out. The kids are worried about staying on the island in the old house: no tv, no fun. First night in the new house, Ted has a nightmare revealing they had a son who was killed in a car flipping accident five years ago. 

 

Frank the photographer immediately hits on the May as she tries to do her new job. At home the girls explore and ride bikes while Ted gets writer's block. He tries to paint an exterior light fixture red. A seagull beak stabs him in the head, he falls off the ladder. His girl's see and laugh. The red paint spills. Frank gives the May a ride home just in time to see Ted cleaning up the paint.

 

Helen (Tippi Hedren) runs the local general store. She sees the band aid on Ted's head and recommends he see the town doc, even though the wound doesn't seem bad. The doc is also the mayor and he has his office at the local tavern. They discuss his cut, a bird eh? who cares.

 

May is trying to connect with Ted. They make out on the screen porch but the dog keeps barking at the birds and that disrupts their romance.

Ted tries to write again, the girls go and play on the beach but discover a corpse! It's the fish and game department guy. The town Mayor/ Doctor doesn't entertain that birds could be the culprit. An old fisherman picks up another dead bird. He unintentionally scares the girls. 

 

At work, Frank kisses May, she pulls away. She comes home mad, who is going to make dinner? they start to have a fight. But then the old fisherman knocks on the door and brings a big fish to them. He's the lighthouse keeper. He stays for dinner and they all have a nice time.

 

At some point, the girls rescued a bird the dog had grabbed and named him Eggbert. That bird leaves once he's recovered, but then that night he taps on the window to be let in. It's a trap! The girls let the bird in but that leaves the window open for a pigeon attack. May and Ted try to protect the girls and get them out of the bedroom where the birds are attacking.

 

In the morning, they decide to leave the island, but the birds attacked their car and it won't start. The previous night it was also shown that the birds attacked the lighthouse keeper. 

 

Ted goes to borrow the lighthouse keeper's car and find him dead. They take his car anyway and get to dock where the ferry to the mainland is waiting. They try to get on the ferry. The mayor and his friends start shooting at the birds, it's great! A boat pulling away still has a fuel pump attached, this leaks fuel all over the water. Then someone shoots a flare at bird, the bird is on fire, it falls in the water. Several parts of the dock explode. The family gets into a little boat, but they get too close to bird island. They flip the boat over and hide. The birds punch holes in the boat, but then leave. The family climbs back on top and it's assumed they are rescued.

 

No need for a sequel, duh. No explanation of the bird attacks. Good bird explosions though. The dead son doesn't add much, just tension within the family. The kids are fine. It's pretty whatever, they do mention the original movie with the Bodega Bay incident so I guess it's an official sequel.