My Bloody Valentine

 

Watched February 14, 2025

1981

Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier,  Neil Affleck, Keith Knight

Director: George Mihalka

 

Valentine's Bluff, Canada 

Two miners go down to the mine in full coveralls and face masks. One takes off the mask to reveal a lady and she pulls down her coveralls and she has a heart tattoo on her breast. She's stroking the other person's mask. Then the masked miner pushes her into a wall spike and stabs her with a pickax.

 

February 12th

We meet the main group of miners: Axel (Neil Affleck), goofball Howard (Alf Humphreys), mustachioed Hollis (Keith Knight, and AJ (Paul Kelman). They are switching shifts, they get off the mine cart, take showers and head to the Union Hall where their girlfriends are putting up decorations for the Valentines Dance.

 

Axel (Neil Affleck) is Sarah's (Lori Hallier) new boyfriend.  She used to date TJ (Paul Kelman) but he left town to try for something better on the West Coast but he never told Sarah. She still cares about him, but is mad he left. TJ feels like a failure because he couldn't escape the small town and working in the mine.

 

Mabel owns the launderetee and is helping decorate the town.

 

Twenty years ago there was a planned Valentine's Day dance. The miners were leaving the mine, still 5 guys were down there. Someone didn't off-gas the methane and a cave-in occurred. It took rescuers six weeks to get down there. Only one survivor remained,  who lived by eating the dead. The next year he killed the two supervisors with a pickax, then was committed to the mental hospital. That's why there hasn't been a dance in so long.

 

At the Union Hall, a box of chocolates is left for Mayor Hanniger (Larry Reynolds). The mayor takes it in the car with the Chief Newby (Don Francks) but opens it to reveal a real heart! ...and a note to cancel the dance.

 

The Mayor and police Chief take the heart to the coroner and it's human, but no body is discovered.

 

Mabel, the owner of the launderette, has been helping decorate for the dance. Back at the launderette, she finds a heart box too, then she is attacked. The next day, she's found in the dryer, her heart is in the box with another warning to cancel the dance. The Mayor and Chief say Mabel died of a heart attack but they are trying to see if it's the guy from 20 years ago but the hospital can't find his record?

 

Meanwhile with AJ back in town, he want to get back with Sarah but Axel's not into it. It's a good triangle because they talk about it. Sarah is torn she does still like AJ but he left without telling her, so she feels abandoned.

 

All the young folks are bummed about the canceled dance, but the miners say they can party at the mine mess hall. They all go over there. AJ and Axel fight, Sarah says she's not into either of them.  A couple goes to the shower/coverall drying room to fool around. The guy, Dave goes to get more beers and lady is killed.

 

A dude goes to the kitchen to get a hot dog and his face is boiled. Two other ladies go get hot dogs and discover a cooked heart in the hot dog water. They discover Dave dead in the fridge. The girls and dude reveal the dead bodies and say we've got to get out of here but Sarah, Patty, Howard, another couple go down to the mine as a distraction for Sarah. They start in the mine cart down. The couples goes to fool around. Then after the upstairs party disperses, Axel and AJ go down to the mine to get everyone. They all think it's the crazy miner from 20 years ago. By now the other group has found the police Chief, he gets a group to head to the mine. Down in the mine the killer gets the couple. Howard and Hollis also die.

 

Axel and AJ find Patty and Sarah, they try to climb out because the elevator isn't working. A body falls from above. They head back down. Patty keeps freaking out but then she's killed. They think Axel falls down a water pond. Now it's just Sarah and AJ try to escape the killer. They get the cart headed back up but it's not moving fast. AJ has a shovel to fight off the killer's pickax. They get off and Sarah runs to the side tunnel. Sarah pulls off the killer's mask and it's Axel!

 

Axel was a kid when his dad was killed 20 years ago by Harry Warden the original mine cave in survivor crazy guy.  There is a small cave in. The townspeople get Axel loose but he runs deeper into the cave screaming "Sarah be my bloody valentine!"

 

 I watched the Shout Factory transfer and it looks great, but it's almost too bright for some scenes that are meant to be a little more mysterious. I had seen it before but it was super fun to revisit on Valentine's Day. I love how wonderfully Canadian it is, and I love that they aren't supposed to be teens. They are young adults in a weird little town. 

Great! 

Sketch Artist

 Watched November 17, 2024

 

1992

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Sean Young, Drew Barrymore, Tchéky Karyo

Director: Phedon Papamichael 

 

Starts with a couple having a sex in a 90s modern office. She leaves, she's an escort, he relaxes on the couch. Then he is murdered!

 

Jack Witfield (Jeff Fahey) works for the police as a sketch artist, but he is not a detective. He is married to successful architect Rayanne (Sean Young). He drinks and smokes a lot. He's at home when she gets come home in a cab from a business trip. His car is broken down. They have a modest craftsman bungalow and seem to be on hard times even though she's very successful.

Daisy (Drew Barrymore) is a messenger who goes to the office to find the first dude dead- we saw him shot by someone and Drew is the only eye witness to who left the office. The police arrive and question Daisy about what she saw. In comes Jack as the very famous sketch artist to get a visual based on her description. They go back to the police station where Jack sketches as they both smoke and Daisy describes the person. Jack ends up sketching his wife!? NO, it couldn't be, so he quickly changes the sketch. Because the Sergeant is really waiting on that sketch!!!

 

Daisy turns up dead. 

Jack is having issues with his marriage to Rayanne. It turns out that Rayanne worked on the Silver Fashion building as an architect and that's where the murder took place!

 

Jack comes home to several of Rayanne's friends hanging out, it's an after work party. Rayanne is changing in her room, Jack's not into the party. Rayanne wears a tight sweater with no bra and then puts on tights leggings! It's not enough clothes!

Jack steals clues from the crime scene. The police bring in a person who looks like the fake sketch that Jack made. She's a freelance photographer that has worked for Silver Fashion Studios and she happened to ask Jack for a light when he arrived a the murder crime scene. Jack steals the photographer's open convertible, because he still doesn't have a working car. Jack follows the other head of Silver Fashion Studios, Paul (Tchéky Karyo) to his house and takes photos of him having weird poolside sex with the wife of the murdered guy.

Jack meets the Paul at the factory but then calls Rayanne asking her to bring his gun because he didn't have it with him. At the Silver Fashion factory, it's empty and Paul shows up and plans to kill Jack. But Rayanne is sneaking up behind Paul, so Jack thinks he's in the clear. Turns out Rayanne is the person Daisy saw leaving that night and described to Jack but he just couldn't believe it. Rayanne is having an affair with Paul BUT before they can shoot Jack he shares his photos of Paul having sex with other lady and Rayanne thought she was the only one so she shoots Paul.

Interesting genre of made for cable R rated movie. Funny premise that the sketch artist is super crucial to solving crimes. Jack takes off his shirt a lot. Jack and Rayanne seem like a real mismatch, so it's not a suprise it all goes bad.

Battlefield Earth

 

Watched January 17, 2025

2000

Starring: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, Sabine Karsenti

Director: Roger Christian

 

I read the book! I found it at a little free library. After starting the book, I found the VHS at a thrift store so it was all coming together. I had listened to several bad movie podcasts about the movie so I knew it wasn't good. The paperback is 1066 pages long, so it took me awhile to get though it, and I didn't want to watch the movie until I finished the book.

 

After starting the book, I knew the movie would be a challenge because it's a lot of internal thoughts of Terl and Jonnie, letting the reader know what their plans are and that is hard to show in a movie...let alone many of the other problems the movie has.

 

The movie is so many dutch angles! Text crawl about alien Psychlos taking over planet Earth. Jonnie (Barry Pepper) lives in a cave man looking village. He's off hunting when his dad dies. Chrissy (Sabine Karsenti), his gal pal tells him and immediately wants to take his horse and see if there is more outside their village. The elder warms of the monsters, but Jonnie heads out anyway. On his journey, he finds some other human tribes, they make it to the ruins of a city. Some Psychlos capture them after running through several panes of glass and more dutch angles. Jonnie is taken to the cages where they keep all the humans. ( In the book he is the only human captured at first.)

 

Terl (John Travolta) is the head of the Psychlo security on this planet. He hates it and hopes to leave soon. The Pyschlos don't breath Earth's atmosphere so their city/working area has a glass dome over the whole thing. Terl want to get gold and leave back to Planet Psychlo. He finds a gold vein but it's near uranium which would explode the Psychlo breath gas. He want to get humans to mine it for him. Terl grabs Jonnie after he tries to escape with two other guys. He throws him in the learning machine from the Chinklo people and Jonnie learns the Pscyhlo language and math, etc.

 

Terl then teaches Jonnie to fly Psychlo planes. Terl sets up Ker (Forest Whittaker) to take the blame for training humans. But Terl also get leverage on his superior because he's been lying about the Earth mine not being profitable. Explained better in the book, duh. This leader signs paperwork that is blank so Terl can acquisition the mining materials he needs to steal the gold he wants for himself without letting the company know about it.

 

The humans are dropped off at the mine but Jonnie discovers Ft. Knox on a map so they go get that gold and go train at an old air force base. Chrissie is captured somehow so that's why Jonnie does whatever Terl wants. She has a bomb collar put on her, Jonnie gets the captured folks to work together.

 

The group of humans uses the learning machine to show Ker the footage that Tern is trying to use as leverage to blame Ker if the 'home office' finds out.

 

Terl gets the gold and plans to transport it to his planet with their special transport thing. But the humans escape then one of them joins the shipment with a nuclear bomb. They blow the glass dome but we don't see the Pyschlos asphyxiate, instead Jonnie and Terl fight. Jonnnie puts the bomb collar on Terl's arm and it explodes. They blow up the Psychlo planet and they win.

 

It ends with the humans putting Terl in a prison made of his gold.

 

Some practical effects. The Psychlos  don't look as they are dexcribed in the book, they are supposed to be nine feet tall, hairy with eyelid and mouth bones. Instead it's John Travolta in huge boots and weird claw gloves. Chrissie is about the same poorly written character as the book. Barry Pepper tries his best as Jonnie. Obviously the book is a lot more involved with the interactions but it also has a huge debt/diplomacy ending about negotiating information about the Pyschlos war profiteering wiht all the aliens in the galaxy. The movie is bad, but nothing like I imagined it. It looks like they had a signaficantly lower budget than they expected so a lot of special effects don't cut it and it just seem slike missing footage in other areas.

 

The story could be a mini series now. It's weird Scientology doesn't make more movies based on all L. Ron Hubbard's sci-fi novels because they own it it, right? But this was such a bomb I guess they don't want to go down that route again.

Terrible Movie Nights Issue #7

I have a new issue of Terrible Movie Nights, number 7! Boy, it's been a long time and this collects A  a selection of bad movies I've watched going back to 2017. This had a run of rock nightmare movies like Black Roses, Rocktober Blood and Slaughterhouse Rock.

 Also, if you enjoyed Demi Moore in The Substance, why not check out her horror roots with 1982's Parasite.

You can buy the print zine here.

Twin Sitters

 

Watched June 7, 2024

 

1994

Starring: David Paul, Peter Paul, Christian Cousins, Joseph Cousins

Director: John Paragon

 

I stumbled upon the Barbarian Brothers on IMBD looking at some other production. Their movies looked familiar but I didn't think I had actually seen any of them. We watched trailers for Double Trouble and Twin Sitters. Definitely capitalized on Arnold Schwarzenegger's success and bodybuilder/wrestler appeal in the 1980s. All the trailers seemed the same, it's a comedy with action and stunts and breaking though glass tables and going through doors and windows. So we picked Twin Sitters!

 

Peter (Peter Paul) and David (David Paul) work at an Italian restaurant as servers. Paul Bartel is a customer there with his wife. The cook is making gross food but people are eating it. The brother's trip, drop food, don't pick it up an order and they fight in the restaurant then are chased out by the cook with a decorative ax.

 

Dinner at home with mom and dad. The parents are supportive, one of the brothers is a good cook (not Traxx style) and they suggest they should open their own restaurant! Peter and Paul go to the bank the next day to try to get a loan, but they don't have any assets. They bring a bunch of food dishes they made and force feed the loan officer. They are kicked out of the bank!

 

Meanwhile Mr. Hillhurst (Jared Martin) has been using his trucking empire to dump toxic waste from Leland Stromm (George Lazenby) and making lots of money but is ready to quit. Mr. Stromm threatens Mr. Hillhurst's nephews as he is the guardian of them after their parents died.

 

After not getting the loan, the brothers go to the park. Mr. Hillhurst is there taking to government officials about exposing the bad guys. Then three of the bad guys good start shooting at Mr. Hillhurst right by a playground. David and Peter get playground kids to safety and by saving a real baby from getting run over, they're in the newspaper. They go to their gym, where Mr. Hillhurst's butler Thomas tells them he has a job opportunity for them. Mr. Hillhurst had to go testify and wants the David and Peter to watch his twin nephews, Bradley(Christian Cousins) the evil one and Steven (Joseph Cousins.)

 

The twins drive over to their house in their monster truck. Mr. Hillhurst offers them $5K/day for a week to watch and protect the boys. They agree.

 

Bradley and Steven are little troublemakers at first. There is a horny maid and a weird gardener and a sassy Black cook also at the house. But the cooking brother shares a recipe with the cook and they really get along.The boys say they only eat PB and bologna? At the first dinner, Brad dumps the food on the floor and glues one of the Brothers to his chair. The butler, Thomas is working for the bad guys and tells them which hotel Mr. Hillhurst be in, so the bad guys hires an assassin. 

 

Tuesday, the nephews try to electrocute the brothers in the pool but it doesn't work. The nephews continues to not try the food. The boys private tutor, Judy (Rena Sofer) comes and the brothers sit in on the class. The nephews try to run away and steal a car but the brothers are in the back seat. This breaks down the kids hesitance and the boys try the food and get fashion makeovers from David and Peter!

 

 David and Peter together go on a date with the tutor, but they bring the boys in their monster truck bypassing the security around the house by running over a car. 

The sniper can't take out Mr. Hillhurst at his hotel, so the new plan is the kidnap the nephews and hold them ransom until Mr. Hillhurst does what they want. Back at the house, poolside, one kid goes inside and is grabbed, fights back and the second kid goes in the gets grabbed. Brothers come in and everyone is fighting including the cook. The maid and the gardener are making out when a fight crashes through a glass door onto them. The boys are taken away by helicopter, with the Brother holding on until they have to let go and splashdown in the pool. Thomas tries to leave with the bribe money but the brothers call him out and get him to tell them where the boys are being held.

The boys are on a big ship. The brother calls on all their twin friends to help with the rescue, two Black guy fighters, two Asian fighters (gong sound bummer) and more. They get Brad and Steven back but the ship is rigged to blow up, they all jump in the water to escape the explosion.

The kids are safe and Mr. Hillhurst is no longer being extorted to continue working for Mr. Stamm. The Brother open their restaurant and all their twin friends come and eat. Mr. Hillhurst couldn't pay the brothers but are able to open the restaurant using their butter money?

 

It is a great movie, no, but there is a lot of fun stuff like monster trucks, double date with kids and a lady. Oh boy, the outfits! One million stars! Such a special mix of grunge, early 90s streetwear and wrestling/weightlifting fashion!