Strays

 

Watched October 13, 2023

1991

Starring: Timothy Busfield, Claudia Christian, Kathleen Quinlan

Director: John McPherson

(Written by Shaun Cassidy, what?!)

An old woman lives in a old Victorian house in the woods with a bunch of cats. She looks in the fridge, no cat food there and the cats are hungry. She has to go to the cellar for more canned cat food. Tons of cats follow her, she reaches for a can of food and the cats attack her.

Driving down a country road, Paul (Timothy Busfield), Lindsey (Kathleen Quinlan) and Daughter Tessa (Heather and Jessica Lilly) are going to check out a new home. It happens to be listed by Claire (Claudia Christian), Lindsey's sister. The family talks about moving to this tiny country town of Garth. It's 1 1/2 hours from the city, which city who knows but that's where Paul works as a lawyer. But they need to move for their young kid, the city's no place to for kids. Paul's not super into the house since it's old and will need some work but Lindsey really likes it so they buy it.

 

They move in. Paul is a lawyer and Lindsey is a writer but her last book hasn't earned out so they are a little stressed about making it work. Claire is going through a divorce and has hired Paul to represent her. The family has a dog, Paul is very allergic to cats. The phone man comes to connect their service, the box is in the cellar but it's all chewed up by rats (or cats?). He says he has to come back but in the meantime he left a direct connection phone hook up in the cellar. They do have a cell phone, but it gets spotty service. 

 

The family is driving back from the town with fix it supplies, a cat jumps on their hood and Paul drives the car into a ditch. They see the cat saunter off, is it all a plan?

 

Claire comes to visit their new home and kisses Paul on the mouth too long, making Lindsey mad. Lindsey, Claire and Tessa go to lunch together. Claire talks about flirting with an old friend and Lindsey says she should just be alone for a bit.

The phone guy comes back in his red truck. Paul is at work and Lindsey is putting mousetraps in the attic so she doesn't hear him. Phone guy is attacked by a mean gray cat, he falls on some shelves and dies. Then a cool tow truck driver shows up, knocks on the door, doesn't get a response so he tows the phone guys truck- evidence destroyed.

 

Their car is still in the ditch. That night their dog is attacked. The vet does a house call and chides them for being irresponsible pet owners. Then the vet pulls a gun, a squirt gun! but it looks real and he says to use it on the cats, as cats hate being sprayed by water.

Lindsey finds a white Persian cat in the attic with one gray baby kitten. Lindsay and Tessa want to keep it even though the Paul is allergic. 

 

Lindsay is painting the ceiling when she pokes a hole through it. Lindsay puts Tessa down for a nap, but hears weird stuff and finds the crib covered in cats! Luckily the daughter had moved to the closet but the gray cat is aggressively trying to get into the closet. Lindsay and Tessa get to the mom's bedroom but the cats are breaking through the door,  Lindsay blocks it but now big gray cat is coming through the wall vent. Lindsay blocks that with two pillows. With the cell phone, Lindsay calls Paul's office but the reception is bad. Paul freaks out, cancels his court date, borrows his secretary's car and heads to the house. Claire was getting ready for the court date and gets a message about the cancellation and that Paul has a family issue. A big storm starts and Claire drives over to the house too.

 

Lindsay gets a pitcher of water from the tub but she had to break the knob to get it to work so the tub starts to fill up with water. Lindsay manages to call the police from the cellar phone connection. Linsay and Tessa leave the house and hide in the playhouse. Tessa notices a car so Lindsay goes inside to see who it is. Claire had been looking for them upstairs, a cat jumps out of a box and she falls off the balcony onto a table- she's dead! In an earlier meeting with Paul, as her divorce lawyer, it's revealed that Claire cheated in the marriage so that shows that she's evil and deserved to die.

 

Paul comes back to find Lindsay crouched in the driveway. They both go to get the Tessa from the playhouse but she's back in the house in the kitchen. Tessa crawls out the doggy door to Lindsay. Paul fights gray cat, puts him the microwave but the cat jumps out. Spraying water doesn't work on this cat but gray cat is electrocuted on a fraying wire.  Police arrive and ask Paul "Are you owner?" and the answer is no, the cats own this house.

 

They sell the house and go back to the city. Another realtor shows the house to a couple  but now gray cat's baby is watching.

 

It's pretty hard to make a bunch of cats seem menacing. The judgy vet is so weird.  There is a scene where gray cat sprays urine all over the house and they talk about and it's a pretty good reason to get out of there. The subplot of the sister getting a divorce is not needed. At first Paul and Lindsay are hot and heavy but the flirty sister makes mom cold. It's surprised the sister really died, she could have survived. Decently silly animal attack movie, no credit for the tow truck dude.

Bats

Watched October 6, 2023

1999

Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips, Dina Meyer, Bob Gunton, Leon

Director: Louis Morneau

 

Gallup, TX

Nighttime, two teens stop beside a railroad crossing. They're fighting but make up and kiss. As the train passes, they are attacked by bats.

 

Arizona

Dr. Sheila Casper (Dina Meyer) is a wildlife zoologist with a bat specialty. She's spelunking in a cave with her assistant Jimmy (Leon) outside the cave talking to her through a radio headset. She's looking at cute little bats when a helicopter lands. Dr. Alexander McCabe (Bob Gunton) and Dr. Tobe Hodge (Carlos Jacott) request her assistance because of the teens killed by bats.

 

Back in Gallup, TX, Sheriff Emmet Kimsey (Lou Diamond Phillips) greets Dr. McCabe, Tobe and Dr. Casper. They do autopsy on the teen and find a hug bat claw. Dr. McCabe says they're flying foxes, the biggest type of bat and he's been doing some sort of testing on them. 

 

Dr. Casper, Leon and Sheriff Emmet set up some nets around a cave area and wait for dark to trap some of them coming out. The bats swarm Sheila and Emmet's truck, aggressively trying to get inside any way possible, through the tailpipe and heating ducts. They drive the car over to Leon and the other cop and manage to get the bats away. They capture one under the wheel, tag in so it'll show them to the cave. They let it go but two other bats sense the tracking device and tear it in half. Sheila is suspicious of Dr. McCabe's research.

Emmet tells the town's mayor to keep everyone inside. Dr. Casper, Emmet and Jimmy head back to town where everyone is out and about, the stay inside warning was ignored. A mom is taking in night laundry and is attacked. The baby sleeping inside is a puppet, but the baby scene seems to be cut as the baby isn't attacked. Chaos reigns on Main St. as the bats attack. The junior cop is killed. Emmet and Dr. Casper are under a truck hiding but then the owner drives off leaving them vulnerable. Dr. Casper gets in a mini mart and shoots some bats.  Dr. Hodge dies helping Dr. Casper. Eventually the bats go home. The town is evacuated and the military comes in. Dr. Casper convinces them to give her and the team 48 hours to figure out a different solution to their idea of bombing the whole town to destroy the bats. Dr. Hodge died during the Main st. massacre helping Dr. Casper.

Dr. Casper, Emmet, Jimmy and Dr. McCabe take over the empty high school. They attach chain link fencing over the doors and windows then electrify it to protect themselves. But when the bats attack, Dr. McCabe turns off the electricity. Dr. McCabe has a mind link with the bats. After fighting the bats in the school with flame throwers and such. Emmet gets the generator going and fries a bunch of bats. Dr. McCabe is drawn outside and the bats kill him. 

The next day, Emmet figures out the bats must be nesting in the old mine. The idea is that they will freeze the bats as they sleep. They put on hazmat style suits because of the ammonia/guano fumes. Emmet and Dr. Casper go down in the cave while Jimmy stays above. They only have an hour to get the freezer to work before the military blows up the town. They fall into a river of guano. They find the machine and get it working. The temperature begins to cool. But Dina told Jimmy to the blow the entrance if anything weird happens. Emmet and Dr. Casper do make it out just in time, the entrance is blown up and the bats are stopped.

 

As Emmet, Dr. Casper and Jimmy leave a bat tries to crawl out of the ground but is run over.

 

Bats delivers on the title, there are a lot of bats in this movie. Boy, practical effects really make a whatever animal attack movie so much better! The pacing is weird and you don't care much about how the whole plan is going to work, but it does. Jimmy is the voice of the audience saying what we're all thinking: Let's get out of here, mainly. I was worried about the PG-13 being dull but it was fine.

The Birds II: Land's End

 

Watched June 30, 2023

1994

Starring: Brad Johnson, Chelsea Field, Tippi Hedren, James Naughton

Director: Rick Rosenthal 

The VHS box makes it look real bad, but the production is actually pretty good.

 

 A fishing and game guy is out on the water collecting birds that have been affected by an oil spill. He does some tests then the birds attack him on the boat and poke his eyes out killing him.

 

Ted (Brad Johnson) and his family are on the ferry with their golden retriever going from the mainland to Gall's Ferry. Ted's wife May (Chelsea Field) got a job teaching how to use the desktop publishing computer to the photographer Frank (James Naughton) who runs the local newspaper. They have two daughters who are age 9 and 11. They've rented an old house right on the water. Ted is supposed to work on his thesis to finish his PhD so he can do more than teach high school biology.

 

They have one car, a Ford Explorer. The birds are acting peculiar, but their dog is good at sniffing it out. The kids are worried about staying on the island in the old house: no tv, no fun. First night in the new house, Ted has a nightmare revealing they had a son who was killed in a car flipping accident five years ago. 

 

Frank the photographer immediately hits on the May as she tries to do her new job. At home the girls explore and ride bikes while Ted gets writer's block. He tries to paint an exterior light fixture red. A seagull beak stabs him in the head, he falls off the ladder. His girl's see and laugh. The red paint spills. Frank gives the May a ride home just in time to see Ted cleaning up the paint.

 

Helen (Tippi Hedren) runs the local general store. She sees the band aid on Ted's head and recommends he see the town doc, even though the wound doesn't seem bad. The doc is also the mayor and he has his office at the local tavern. They discuss his cut, a bird eh? who cares.

 

May is trying to connect with Ted. They make out on the screen porch but the dog keeps barking at the birds and that disrupts their romance.

Ted tries to write again, the girls go and play on the beach but discover a corpse! It's the fish and game department guy. The town Mayor/ Doctor doesn't entertain that birds could be the culprit. An old fisherman picks up another dead bird. He unintentionally scares the girls. 

 

At work, Frank kisses May, she pulls away. She comes home mad, who is going to make dinner? they start to have a fight. But then the old fisherman knocks on the door and brings a big fish to them. He's the lighthouse keeper. He stays for dinner and they all have a nice time.

 

At some point, the girls rescued a bird the dog had grabbed and named him Eggbert. That bird leaves once he's recovered, but then that night he taps on the window to be let in. It's a trap! The girls let the bird in but that leaves the window open for a pigeon attack. May and Ted try to protect the girls and get them out of the bedroom where the birds are attacking.

 

In the morning, they decide to leave the island, but the birds attacked their car and it won't start. The previous night it was also shown that the birds attacked the lighthouse keeper. 

 

Ted goes to borrow the lighthouse keeper's car and find him dead. They take his car anyway and get to dock where the ferry to the mainland is waiting. They try to get on the ferry. The mayor and his friends start shooting at the birds, it's great! A boat pulling away still has a fuel pump attached, this leaks fuel all over the water. Then someone shoots a flare at bird, the bird is on fire, it falls in the water. Several parts of the dock explode. The family gets into a little boat, but they get too close to bird island. They flip the boat over and hide. The birds punch holes in the boat, but then leave. The family climbs back on top and it's assumed they are rescued.

 

No need for a sequel, duh. No explanation of the bird attacks. Good bird explosions though. The dead son doesn't add much, just tension within the family. The kids are fine. It's pretty whatever, they do mention the original movie with the Bodega Bay incident so I guess it's an official sequel.

Love on a Leash

 Watched March 17, 2023

2011

 Director: Fen Tian

Starring:  Jana Camp (Lisa), Aneese Khamo (Prince)

Start with a golden retriever dog running around a park with a large pond in the center, no sound. The dog's inner monologue says he's got to find some girls. People try to play with him. He's disappointed when a woman he sees starts kissing her boyfriend. He goes to an enclosed rock pond part that bubbles with magic and it tells him he must find his true love to break the curse.

Lisa (Jana Camp) and her friend Paula (Femi Emiola) are sunbathing at the park. Lisa is a virgin who is very particular about who she dates. The dog sees them in the park. The dog gets dirty and stops Lisa at the gas station, she lets the dog into her green VW new beetle. Lisa wears green and her apartment is green. She brings the dog in and gives him a bath. Luckily she was still wearing her bathing suit from the park. The dog's inner monologue is quippy. 

Lisa works at a retail store. A lady is trying on a dress that's too small for her and Lisa's boss tries to help. A guy, Kyle asks Lisa out. Lisa has a bad weave and looks pretty sick. Not that long after another guy pretends to be buying clothes for his wife but they're for Lisa. Lisa's mom lives far away but is worried about Lisa being single. The nosy neighbor friend who's color is Orange! brings the presents from the customer and says he's a friend/cousin/neighbor and that's why Lisa should go on a date with him.

 I think we see Lisa on a Kyle date. Then Lisa goes on a date with blue shirt and his overbearing mother. After eating dinner they go back to her house and she grills Lisa. The mother says her son, blue shirt, has a 10 year old son who is super smart and will be president. No more kids allowed in this relationship so Lisa needs to get her tubes tied. The mom is an OB/GYN so it's no big deal.

Lisa goes home and gets a call from Kyle to come over. She first has to clean up her house. He comes over, proposed but then admits he's gay and it would be a beard marriage. He just needs a son to appease his traditional family. None of Lisa's relationships are working.

By now Lisa has adopted the dog and named him Prince.

Lisa's boss then comes over and tries to sexually assault her. Prince saves her, the boss fires her and leaves. She is distraught, takes a sleeping pill and then takes too many. She passes out, Prince lies in the street, someone stops and follows Prince to call 911 for her. She goes to the hospital.

She says no more men, just me and prince. It's raining, she throws out her umbrella, it's supposed to get blown away. The rain is either digital or a sprinkler. She finds Prince and he brings her the umbrella. She says she loves him. He becomes a man! Lisa faints but Prince (Aneese Khamo) convinces her he is her dog. They make out and have weird foreplay back at her apartment. In the morning he's a dog again. 

Dog Prince goes to the pond who tells him he's just using Lisa and that's why he's not a man during the day, but she's having fun. They get pretend married at their house and take photos. Lisa doesn't tell her friend Paula about Prince being a man. Her mom comes to visit and forces a dinner with Prince, who at some point says his human name is Alvin Flang. It's a weird dinner because Prince doesn't have a job. Lisa's dad abandoned her pregnant mom when they went to get the marriage license. Mom and orange neighbor pressure Lisa and Prince to meet the next morning to get a marriage license, but Prince is still a dog during the day so...he doesn't show up.

Prince does gets a dog acting job so he's making money. There is also a part where the neighbor orange lady catches Prince in the early morning turning into a dog, but doesn't totally see the transformation so she doesn't have real proof. There is a new job lunch too where Prince can be human in the shadows on a cloudy day, but then turns into a dog in the pool.

At some point, Paula comes over because her car broke down right by Lisa's apartment. Lisa hides Prince, it's night so he's a man, but Paula finds him and is mad because Lisa was all high and mighty about her virginity. Friendship over. 

Lisa needs Prince to be human all the time. Prince hints he could kill himself and start over as a man. Prince runs away to figure it out but Lisa misses him. As she runs to meet him the dog is hit by a car and dies.

Sometime later. It's gotta be like 25-30 years. Lisa puts her apartment up for rent. Paula shows up with four school age kids. Lisa and Paula reconnect, those kids are Paula's grand kids! It seems unlikely because the age makeup is terrible. Lisa shows Paula the album of her "marriage" to Prince. Good set dog photos. Paula leaves and Prince in a wig shows up and they remember each other. Prince is young as he was reincarnated when the dog body died, but Lisa is now supposedly 65? Slowly Prince gets gray streaks in his hair. He's been a dog trainer this time. Lisa and Prince/Alvin Flang get married at night alone and they become young again together. The End.

 This movie is a total mess but just casually looking at imdb it looks like the director made it in her 70's, which is very inspiring. I've also heard since this is a student film there is a version with background music that helps stitch together some of the scenes.  I watched it for free on youtube, so you get what you get.

This has been making the rounds on bad movie sites/blogs/podcasts etc. so it was fun to see what everyone was talking about. 

 

In Your Wildest Dreams

Watched February 3, 2023

1991

Director: Bruce Neibaur

Starring: Trevor Black, Lise Wilburn, Sarah Schaub

I had some Feature Films for Families as a kid, I think gifted by my religious aunt. I recall liking the Buttercream Gang but I couldn't tell you anything about it now. In Your Wildest Dreams is a FFF so I was a little concerned on it being too family friendly. The VHS cover I have is playing on Short Circuit but the robot isn't in it much, so no Johnny 5 energy.

Mark (Trevor Black) is a high school senior who's applied to Princeton but is waiting for his letter. His girlfriend Holly (Lise Wilburn) answers phones at her dad's company, Bank's Electronics. The very beginning is Holly's dad putting the AI robot in a car. Then Katey (Sarah Schaub), Mark's kid sister, is at the controls telling the robot what to do while driving the car. There is some funding needing, so some stock thing is mentioned, this will come into play later.

Mark, Holly and Katey go to lunch at a diner where all the business people eat. Katey asks Mark to check the change from their receipt. It's over so Mark takes it back, showing that he's a good kid. Justin (Brett Palmer) is a sleezy Wall St. (Gordon Gekko type) who it trying to make some insider trading deal with Banks stock and he's eating at the same diner. Mark has a scooter, Holly has a car and they babysit Katey a lot.

Mark's dad is an accountant who Justin owes money/taxes. At Mark's school, a woman from the SEC gives a presentation on insider trading. Then the class has to do a pretend stock investment assignment with $25k to see who can make the most with their stock pick. One computer is connected to the internet. Mark and his friends think they're pretend buying Bank's stock but it turns out to be real. Mark used his money market college savings account to buy the stock.

 Mark gets his Princeton acceptance letter and the family celebrates, it seems like a dream sequence, but it's real. Mark suddenly seems unsure because Holly's dad wants Mark to work for him and take night classes at the community college instead of going to Princeton. Mark's middle sister hints that Holly's making him change his mind about Princeton.

Meanwhile Justin gets mad at his accomplice because they discussed slowly buying Bank's stock and they don't know that it was Mark who bought the stocks. Mark buying that much stock puts a freeze on the stock. Mark and his friend talk to his stock savvy dad but there's nothing they can do, like try to un-buy the stock. The next day Banks announces the AI robot technology, the stock is for sale again and Mark makes a ton of money selling some of the stock.

Mark, Holly, Katey and middle sister go to pick up the middle sister's new boyfriend Enzo, he's a rollerblading punk and they're mildly shocked but they don't say anything. They go to a local amusement park.

When the money comes in from the stock sale, Mark buys a Ferrari and motorcycle for his dad, a faux fur coat for his mom, a stereo for his middle sister and a big play set for Katey. 

It turns out that Holly's dad needed the money from the IPO, this isn't how stocks work. But they keep putting it on Mark that it's his fault for buying the publicly traded stock. Holly wants Mark to give it back (that's not how stocks work...so?) Justin tries to trick Mark into trading the stock for Justin's abandoned warehouse he owns. Justin has two accomplices who try to muscle Mark but Katey stowed away and honks the horn, this distracts everyone. Mark steals Justin's phone, they have a chase around the empty building. Katey almost pushes a button letting a girder crush Justin's Ferrari. But the FEC lady stops Mark, the accomplice was an informant. They caught Justin, and Mark's a good kid. When he bought the stock Mark messed up their plan to catch Justin, but they got him after all.

Later, Mark listens to Katey and a friend fight about doing what's right. Mark gives the stock paper to Holly's dad. The End.

I've watched so many annoying kids in movies in was nice to see that Katey was not a super bratty kid even when she saves the day. Punk Enzo was the best secret rollerblading park of the moves and according to IMDB that dude is a Hollywood writer and show runner now. I didn't want Mark to get screwed over, I cared. Great ladies business power suits. Not enough robots. It wasn't clear on how why Holly's dad need the stock back, when the company was public and anyone could have bought the stock and sold it. I don't get it, publicly traded companies makes money when they do an IPO. It's not about robots, but it's family friendly fine.