Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Watched November 17, 2024

1992

Starring: Charles Solomon Jr., Julie Strain

Director: James Merendino

I've seen Witchcraft III and I wrote in 2012 that I wouldn't watch anymore of these, but I guess I forgot 12 years later and gave Witchcraft IV a chance. But I continue to regret my decisions, I just want some  real witch and warlock movies please. 

A couple is driving into the dark woods. They pass a random phone booth. They park and make out but Nora (Diane Fowler) doesn't want to make out. Nora walks away from the Pete (Orien Richman) but he hits his head. She comes back but now he's passed out. She drives to the phone booth but dials a wrong number. A guy shows up and puts Nora in his trunk. Pete is arrested for his girlfriend's disappearance. Nora is taken to a mysterious location and her heart is ripped out in a ritual.

 

Will (Charles Solomon Jr.) is a lawyer, he gets a call from Pete's sister to help her brother. Will is a reluctant warlock. He meets the stripper Belladonna (Julie Strain) while trying to find out what happened to Nora to clear Pete's name. Belladonna is under the control of Santera (Clive Pearson) who rapes her! Will is hiding and doesn't use his power to help Belladonna. Will keeps checking in with the sister, they go on a date but she freaks out when he tries to kiss her. Instead he goes and has elevator sex with Belladonna. The sister had the parents killed. Detective noir vibes but....

How much should you explain your previous concepts in a sequel? This movie doesn't explain anything. And the witchcraft element is practically non-existent. I guess it's the same actor but these series don't seem to be ones that people really follow while they are coming out. The main appeal seems to be horror adjacent female nudity, which is fine but not enough to hold the story together. 

My Bloody Valentine

 

Watched February 14, 2025

1981

Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier,  Neil Affleck, Keith Knight

Director: George Mihalka

 

Valentine's Bluff, Canada 

Two miners go down to the mine in full coveralls and face masks. One takes off the mask to reveal a lady and she pulls down her coveralls and she has a heart tattoo on her breast. She's stroking the other person's mask. Then the masked miner pushes her into a wall spike and stabs her with a pickax.

 

February 12th

We meet the main group of miners: Axel (Neil Affleck), goofball Howard (Alf Humphreys), mustachioed Hollis (Keith Knight, and AJ (Paul Kelman). They are switching shifts, they get off the mine cart, take showers and head to the Union Hall where their girlfriends are putting up decorations for the Valentines Dance.

 

Axel (Neil Affleck) is Sarah's (Lori Hallier) new boyfriend.  She used to date TJ (Paul Kelman) but he left town to try for something better on the West Coast but he never told Sarah. She still cares about him, but is mad he left. TJ feels like a failure because he couldn't escape the small town and working in the mine.

 

Mabel owns the launderetee and is helping decorate the town.

 

Twenty years ago there was a planned Valentine's Day dance. The miners were leaving the mine, still 5 guys were down there. Someone didn't off-gas the methane and a cave-in occurred. It took rescuers six weeks to get down there. Only one survivor remained,  who lived by eating the dead. The next year he killed the two supervisors with a pickax, then was committed to the mental hospital. That's why there hasn't been a dance in so long.

 

At the Union Hall, a box of chocolates is left for Mayor Hanniger (Larry Reynolds). The mayor takes it in the car with the Chief Newby (Don Francks) but opens it to reveal a real heart! ...and a note to cancel the dance.

 

The Mayor and police Chief take the heart to the coroner and it's human, but no body is discovered.

 

Mabel, the owner of the launderette, has been helping decorate for the dance. Back at the launderette, she finds a heart box too, then she is attacked. The next day, she's found in the dryer, her heart is in the box with another warning to cancel the dance. The Mayor and Chief say Mabel died of a heart attack but they are trying to see if it's the guy from 20 years ago but the hospital can't find his record?

 

Meanwhile with AJ back in town, he want to get back with Sarah but Axel's not into it. It's a good triangle because they talk about it. Sarah is torn she does still like AJ but he left without telling her, so she feels abandoned.

 

All the young folks are bummed about the canceled dance, but the miners say they can party at the mine mess hall. They all go over there. AJ and Axel fight, Sarah says she's not into either of them.  A couple goes to the shower/coverall drying room to fool around. The guy, Dave goes to get more beers and lady is killed.

 

A dude goes to the kitchen to get a hot dog and his face is boiled. Two other ladies go get hot dogs and discover a cooked heart in the hot dog water. They discover Dave dead in the fridge. The girls and dude reveal the dead bodies and say we've got to get out of here but Sarah, Patty, Howard, another couple go down to the mine as a distraction for Sarah. They start in the mine cart down. The couples goes to fool around. Then after the upstairs party disperses, Axel and AJ go down to the mine to get everyone. They all think it's the crazy miner from 20 years ago. By now the other group has found the police Chief, he gets a group to head to the mine. Down in the mine the killer gets the couple. Howard and Hollis also die.

 

Axel and AJ find Patty and Sarah, they try to climb out because the elevator isn't working. A body falls from above. They head back down. Patty keeps freaking out but then she's killed. They think Axel falls down a water pond. Now it's just Sarah and AJ try to escape the killer. They get the cart headed back up but it's not moving fast. AJ has a shovel to fight off the killer's pickax. They get off and Sarah runs to the side tunnel. Sarah pulls off the killer's mask and it's Axel!

 

Axel was a kid when his dad was killed 20 years ago by Harry Warden the original mine cave in survivor crazy guy.  There is a small cave in. The townspeople get Axel loose but he runs deeper into the cave screaming "Sarah be my bloody valentine!"

 

 I watched the Shout Factory transfer and it looks great, but it's almost too bright for some scenes that are meant to be a little more mysterious. I had seen it before but it was super fun to revisit on Valentine's Day. I love how wonderfully Canadian it is, and I love that they aren't supposed to be teens. They are young adults in a weird little town. 

Great! 

Sketch Artist

 Watched November 17, 2024

 

1992

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Sean Young, Drew Barrymore, Tchéky Karyo

Director: Phedon Papamichael 

 

Starts with a couple having a sex in a 90s modern office. She leaves, she's an escort, he relaxes on the couch. Then he is murdered!

 

Jack Witfield (Jeff Fahey) works for the police as a sketch artist, but he is not a detective. He is married to successful architect Rayanne (Sean Young). He drinks and smokes a lot. He's at home when she gets come home in a cab from a business trip. His car is broken down. They have a modest craftsman bungalow and seem to be on hard times even though she's very successful.

Daisy (Drew Barrymore) is a messenger who goes to the office to find the first dude dead- we saw him shot by someone and Drew is the only eye witness to who left the office. The police arrive and question Daisy about what she saw. In comes Jack as the very famous sketch artist to get a visual based on her description. They go back to the police station where Jack sketches as they both smoke and Daisy describes the person. Jack ends up sketching his wife!? NO, it couldn't be, so he quickly changes the sketch. Because the Sergeant is really waiting on that sketch!!!

 

Daisy turns up dead. 

Jack is having issues with his marriage to Rayanne. It turns out that Rayanne worked on the Silver Fashion building as an architect and that's where the murder took place!

 

Jack comes home to several of Rayanne's friends hanging out, it's an after work party. Rayanne is changing in her room, Jack's not into the party. Rayanne wears a tight sweater with no bra and then puts on tights leggings! It's not enough clothes!

Jack steals clues from the crime scene. The police bring in a person who looks like the fake sketch that Jack made. She's a freelance photographer that has worked for Silver Fashion Studios and she happened to ask Jack for a light when he arrived a the murder crime scene. Jack steals the photographer's open convertible, because he still doesn't have a working car. Jack follows the other head of Silver Fashion Studios, Paul (Tchéky Karyo) to his house and takes photos of him having weird poolside sex with the wife of the murdered guy.

Jack meets the Paul at the factory but then calls Rayanne asking her to bring his gun because he didn't have it with him. At the Silver Fashion factory, it's empty and Paul shows up and plans to kill Jack. But Rayanne is sneaking up behind Paul, so Jack thinks he's in the clear. Turns out Rayanne is the person Daisy saw leaving that night and described to Jack but he just couldn't believe it. Rayanne is having an affair with Paul BUT before they can shoot Jack he shares his photos of Paul having sex with other lady and Rayanne thought she was the only one so she shoots Paul.

Interesting genre of made for cable R rated movie. Funny premise that the sketch artist is super crucial to solving crimes. Jack takes off his shirt a lot. Jack and Rayanne seem like a real mismatch, so it's not a suprise it all goes bad.

Battlefield Earth

 

Watched January 17, 2025

2000

Starring: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, Sabine Karsenti

Director: Roger Christian

 

I read the book! I found it at a little free library. After starting the book, I found the VHS at a thrift store so it was all coming together. I had listened to several bad movie podcasts about the movie so I knew it wasn't good. The paperback is 1066 pages long, so it took me awhile to get though it, and I didn't want to watch the movie until I finished the book.

 

After starting the book, I knew the movie would be a challenge because it's a lot of internal thoughts of Terl and Jonnie, letting the reader know what their plans are and that is hard to show in a movie...let alone many of the other problems the movie has.

 

The movie is so many dutch angles! Text crawl about alien Psychlos taking over planet Earth. Jonnie (Barry Pepper) lives in a cave man looking village. He's off hunting when his dad dies. Chrissy (Sabine Karsenti), his gal pal tells him and immediately wants to take his horse and see if there is more outside their village. The elder warms of the monsters, but Jonnie heads out anyway. On his journey, he finds some other human tribes, they make it to the ruins of a city. Some Psychlos capture them after running through several panes of glass and more dutch angles. Jonnie is taken to the cages where they keep all the humans. ( In the book he is the only human captured at first.)

 

Terl (John Travolta) is the head of the Psychlo security on this planet. He hates it and hopes to leave soon. The Pyschlos don't breath Earth's atmosphere so their city/working area has a glass dome over the whole thing. Terl want to get gold and leave back to Planet Psychlo. He finds a gold vein but it's near uranium which would explode the Psychlo breath gas. He want to get humans to mine it for him. Terl grabs Jonnie after he tries to escape with two other guys. He throws him in the learning machine from the Chinklo people and Jonnie learns the Pscyhlo language and math, etc.

 

Terl then teaches Jonnie to fly Psychlo planes. Terl sets up Ker (Forest Whittaker) to take the blame for training humans. But Terl also get leverage on his superior because he's been lying about the Earth mine not being profitable. Explained better in the book, duh. This leader signs paperwork that is blank so Terl can acquisition the mining materials he needs to steal the gold he wants for himself without letting the company know about it.

 

The humans are dropped off at the mine but Jonnie discovers Ft. Knox on a map so they go get that gold and go train at an old air force base. Chrissie is captured somehow so that's why Jonnie does whatever Terl wants. She has a bomb collar put on her, Jonnie gets the captured folks to work together.

 

The group of humans uses the learning machine to show Ker the footage that Tern is trying to use as leverage to blame Ker if the 'home office' finds out.

 

Terl gets the gold and plans to transport it to his planet with their special transport thing. But the humans escape then one of them joins the shipment with a nuclear bomb. They blow the glass dome but we don't see the Pyschlos asphyxiate, instead Jonnie and Terl fight. Jonnnie puts the bomb collar on Terl's arm and it explodes. They blow up the Psychlo planet and they win.

 

It ends with the humans putting Terl in a prison made of his gold.

 

Some practical effects. The Psychlos  don't look as they are dexcribed in the book, they are supposed to be nine feet tall, hairy with eyelid and mouth bones. Instead it's John Travolta in huge boots and weird claw gloves. Chrissie is about the same poorly written character as the book. Barry Pepper tries his best as Jonnie. Obviously the book is a lot more involved with the interactions but it also has a huge debt/diplomacy ending about negotiating information about the Pyschlos war profiteering wiht all the aliens in the galaxy. The movie is bad, but nothing like I imagined it. It looks like they had a signaficantly lower budget than they expected so a lot of special effects don't cut it and it just seem slike missing footage in other areas.

 

The story could be a mini series now. It's weird Scientology doesn't make more movies based on all L. Ron Hubbard's sci-fi novels because they own it it, right? But this was such a bomb I guess they don't want to go down that route again.

Terrible Movie Nights Issue #7

I have a new issue of Terrible Movie Nights, number 7! Boy, it's been a long time and this collects A  a selection of bad movies I've watched going back to 2017. This had a run of rock nightmare movies like Black Roses, Rocktober Blood and Slaughterhouse Rock.

 Also, if you enjoyed Demi Moore in The Substance, why not check out her horror roots with 1982's Parasite.

You can buy the print zine here.