The Boyfriend School AKA Don't Tell Her It's Me

Watched August 1, 2025

 

1990

Starring: Steve Guttenberg, Jamie Gertz, Shelley Long

Director: Malcolm Mowbray 

 

In South Carolina, Gus (Steve Guttenberg) is a cartoonist recovering from Hodgkin's Lymphoma. According to the movie, he is 'fat', he has lost all his hair; eyebrows and all. Lizzie (Shelley Long), his sister is a romance novelist with a three-year-old daughter, Annabelle nicknamed piglet and a weird husband. Lizzie doesn't want Gus to be single anymore so she starts a plan to set him up now that he's in recovery.

Jamie Gertz is a journalist with an old junker car. She works with Trout (Kyle MacLachlan) at The Grackle newspaper. They were dating but are an on/off seeing other people. At the beginning of the movie she goes on a bad date where the guy doesn't remember her name: Emily.

 It turns out that Emily is sent to do a feature at the romance convention in town. She interviews Lizzie but Lizzie is actually interviewing her for Gus. Lizzie invites Emily and Gus over for dinner. Lizzie and her husband are really into Asian culture- but due to the time its played as a joke. Chinese food is weird and gross, I guess. Gus hasn't regrown his hair, is wearing a bad wig and still looks sick. Emily and Gus don't hit it off, the dinner is weird. The husband serves jellyfish salad and Emily throws up. That's after Annabelle tossed an oil covered bolt on Emily, staining her dress. Lizzie always explains to Annabelle in adult language what would happen to her body when she does something dangerous. But Gus saw Emily in her old timey slip and it's not very scandalous.

Gus tries to call Emily to make a date but she's not interested. Trout gets back together with her sort of.

Lizzie decides she can give Emily the fantasy she desires in Gus so it's makeover time. Gus's hair grows back and he starts working out, jogging while Lizzie rides a scooter beside him.

Once he's got the bod, Gus gets a cool mullet plus Lizzie says he's got to get a new persona. Now he's Lobo Murunga from New Zealand.

At a gas station at night, Emily is pumping gas into her junker when Lobo pulls up on his motorcycle, causing her to overflow the gas. At the counter, she only has $2 but accidentally pumped $20 of gas.She doesn't have a way to pay, but it turns out the counter guy is a robber and the actual shopkeeper is on the floor. Lobo comes in, he wants to be cool but also figures out the robbery. He wants to chicken out but then hits the robber with the coffee pot. Lobo tries to leave but Emily is in love and makes him come home with her. He pretends to pass out but she kisses him. In the morning, he leaves but Costanza's her with his Maori amulet necklace. But his motorcycle is back at the gas station.

Lizzie goes to the gas station to give Lobo back his necklace. Lobo shows up and takes her for a motorcycle ride to a random spot where they dance in a house/event space. Lobo drops her back off at her apartment.

Gus doesn't want to do it anymore but the necklace still hasn't been returned. He gets it from her apartment but then Lizzie makes up an errand to return the books that Lizzie lent her.

Gus's cover is almost blown at Lizzie's house but luckily his niece Piglet doesn't talk much The husband tries to play along too.

Emily does break it off with Trout but he was also seeing another woman from their office ( Madchen Amick) from their office. It  seems like a cut plotline, because it doesn't really matter that Trout is seeing someone else. I guess it's showing he's not a great guy.  Lobo is at her apartment and they make love once she formally ends it with Trout.

The next day Lobo pops out his blue contacts and says he's Gus, Emily rightfully kicks him out. Emily goes to Lizzie to blame her for the plot but Lizzie keeps playing the game she set up saying that everyone is mad at her but Gus is moving to NY. Even though Emily feels betrayed, she's still into Gus/Lobo. Her car barely starts and she makes it over to Gus's waterfront shack, but he's gone. Her car won't start now so she gets on his motorcycle and makes it to the airport. He's in line and they both are both into trying to be together, now that the truth is out. He's not moving to NY, he's just going to a wedding in Tallahassee so she comes too. Lizzie is watching them the whole time and Annabelle is in the car and says a new word.

It's a pretty crazy set up, overall it's fine but the trickster plot is pretty bad. It's a hard concept to just lie to someone about who you are and then have them still want to be with you. Great outfits. Kyle MacLachlan is a good creep and it fun to have two Twin Peaks actors together.

The Wicker Man (1973)

 

Watched June 20, 2025

 

1973

Starring: Edward Woodward, Christopher Lee, Britt Ekland

Director: Robin Hardy

 

My local theater was showing this and I thought it was good excuse to see it. I'd heard a lot about the crazy Nick Cage remake, so why not see the original.

It's the end of April. Sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) arrives by seaplane to the remote British island of Summerisle. The police had received a letter and photo of missing 14-year-old girl, Rowan Morrison. At first, no one in the village recognizes the photo. The letter about the missing girl was anonymous. 

Sergeant Howie goes to the Morrison family, the mom runs a candy store. She has one daughter but doesn't have another, no missing Rowan. Everyone isn't being totally obtuse, just cheerfully unhelpful.

Sergeant Howie spends the night at the Green Man Inn. Everyone is there, it's the local pub, singing and kissing. The innkeeper's daughter has a beautiful daughter Willow (Britt Ekland). Their songs are about sex, semi-subtly. Officer Howie goes outside and everyone is having sex on the lawn. He goes back inside to see a kilted man offering his teen son to Willow. They play a song about coupling. Sergeant Howie is Christian and wracked with guilt about these fornicators.

In the morning, all the school boys are practicing the dance around a maypole with a singer, it's almost a musical. The girls are inside with their teacher, Ms. Rose (Diane Cilento). Sergeant Howie is still looking for Rowan. Ms. Rose says she's not there but he grabs her roster and Rowan's name is listed as a student. Ms. Rose and Sergeant Howie talk outside, and she basically says Rowan is dead. Sergeant Howie goes to the records office, there is no death certificate for Rowan. All the townsfolk keep questioning Sergeant Howie's authority to be there at all. 

Sergeant Howie visits Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee), who explains that they all worship the Earth. Sergeant Howie asks to dig up the coffin, he doesn't appear to get permission so he does it at night. Inside there is a giant hare instead of a human body. 

Ms. Rose is at Lord Summerisle's house, they're singing together. Sergeant Howie throws the hare at them. They say this is Rowan, she changed. 

At the Inn, Willow sings a seduction song and bangs naked at the wall trying to get police officer to come over to her room. Sergeant Howie barely manages to stay away, as a good Christian he is engaged but a virgin. He tries to leave May 1st but his plane won't start. He looks up pagan rituals about May day. 

Back at the Inn, Sergeant Howie goes to rest since he can't leave yet. Willow and the innkeeper say they'll use a special thing to keep him asleep. Instead Sergeant Howie wakes up,  and sees a strange burning hand/candle. Sergeant Howie knocks out the innkeeper and puts on his fool costume. 

Previously, Sergeant Howie had searched all over and found that last year's harvest was bad. He's convinced they're going to sacrifice Rowan for a better harvest. The town marches and does their May day ceremony, they are led to Rowan, she's alive and fine.  Sergeant Howie unties her and runs away with her but it was all part of the plan to get the police officer, a Christian virgin to come to the island of his own free will so they can sacrifice him to have a better crop yield. Sergeant Howie tries to get them to stop, but they put him in the wicker man, where there are also a bunch of animals in cages and they're all burned at sunset.

Great crazy folk horror vibes.  I already knew the basic plot so the town trick wasn't a surprise, but it was still fun. There's so much music it could be a musical, there is a folk theme song called Corn Rigs. Christopher Lee is so young in this one!

Body Puzzle

 

Watched November 17, 2024

 

1992

Starring: Joanna Pacula, Tomas Arana, François Montegut

Director: Lamberto Bava

This synopsis is more condensed and scattered as this was watched during a weekend movie marathon with a good friend and my notes are lacking.

 

Begins with a blond guy "playing" piano and listening to music but also has headphones on and he is remembering a motorcycle accident. He was chasing his lover(?) who was on a motorcycle in the rain, he was in a car yelling "you're going too fast!" Then the motorcycle rider slips, crashes and dies. It's shot really manically like no one is doing the right thing. Blond guy is also going too fast as he yells as the motorcyclist.

 

A bakery owner is stabbed and his ear is cut off. The ear shows up in the fridge of Tracy (Joanna Pacula). She goes to visit her dead husband's grave and it's been robbed. The detective alerts her to this, so she goes to stay at her parent's country house.

 

 Next kill: hand cut off by trapping and tying up a women in the bathroom. and kidney or liver

Tracy has a big Beethoven St. Bernard dog. 

 

The killer then tries to kills a pregnant lady in the hospital- is she in labor or just having a check up? 

The detectives are starting to connect the murders. Tim is trying to put Abe back together from the parts he donated when he died. Detective and Tracy have a thing. Jr. Detective is my movie bf. 

 

Makes sense, suspenseful, good twist. Great setting. English language filmed in Italy. Crazy kill of a teacher of the blind students while they sing but can't see what's happening. Best kill: swimming with a knife to kill a lifeguard then cutting off his dick!

 

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Watched November 17, 2024

1992

Starring: Charles Solomon Jr., Julie Strain

Director: James Merendino

I've seen Witchcraft III and I wrote in 2012 that I wouldn't watch anymore of these, but I guess I forgot 12 years later and gave Witchcraft IV a chance. But I continue to regret my decisions, I just want some  real witch and warlock movies please. 

A couple is driving into the dark woods. They pass a random phone booth. They park and make out but Nora (Diane Fowler) doesn't want to make out. Nora walks away from the Pete (Orien Richman) but he hits his head. She comes back but now he's passed out. She drives to the phone booth but dials a wrong number. A guy shows up and puts Nora in his trunk. Pete is arrested for his girlfriend's disappearance. Nora is taken to a mysterious location and her heart is ripped out in a ritual.

 

Will (Charles Solomon Jr.) is a lawyer, he gets a call from Pete's sister to help her brother. Will is a reluctant warlock. He meets the stripper Belladonna (Julie Strain) while trying to find out what happened to Nora to clear Pete's name. Belladonna is under the control of Santera (Clive Pearson) who rapes her! Will is hiding and doesn't use his power to help Belladonna. Will keeps checking in with the sister, they go on a date but she freaks out when he tries to kiss her. Instead he goes and has elevator sex with Belladonna. The sister had the parents killed. Detective noir vibes but....

How much should you explain your previous concepts in a sequel? This movie doesn't explain anything. And the witchcraft element is practically non-existent. I guess it's the same actor but these series don't seem to be ones that people really follow while they are coming out. The main appeal seems to be horror adjacent female nudity, which is fine but not enough to hold the story together. 

My Bloody Valentine

 

Watched February 14, 2025

1981

Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier,  Neil Affleck, Keith Knight

Director: George Mihalka

 

Valentine's Bluff, Canada 

Two miners go down to the mine in full coveralls and face masks. One takes off the mask to reveal a lady and she pulls down her coveralls and she has a heart tattoo on her breast. She's stroking the other person's mask. Then the masked miner pushes her into a wall spike and stabs her with a pickax.

 

February 12th

We meet the main group of miners: Axel (Neil Affleck), goofball Howard (Alf Humphreys), mustachioed Hollis (Keith Knight, and AJ (Paul Kelman). They are switching shifts, they get off the mine cart, take showers and head to the Union Hall where their girlfriends are putting up decorations for the Valentines Dance.

 

Axel (Neil Affleck) is Sarah's (Lori Hallier) new boyfriend.  She used to date TJ (Paul Kelman) but he left town to try for something better on the West Coast but he never told Sarah. She still cares about him, but is mad he left. TJ feels like a failure because he couldn't escape the small town and working in the mine.

 

Mabel owns the launderetee and is helping decorate the town.

 

Twenty years ago there was a planned Valentine's Day dance. The miners were leaving the mine, still 5 guys were down there. Someone didn't off-gas the methane and a cave-in occurred. It took rescuers six weeks to get down there. Only one survivor remained,  who lived by eating the dead. The next year he killed the two supervisors with a pickax, then was committed to the mental hospital. That's why there hasn't been a dance in so long.

 

At the Union Hall, a box of chocolates is left for Mayor Hanniger (Larry Reynolds). The mayor takes it in the car with the Chief Newby (Don Francks) but opens it to reveal a real heart! ...and a note to cancel the dance.

 

The Mayor and police Chief take the heart to the coroner and it's human, but no body is discovered.

 

Mabel, the owner of the launderette, has been helping decorate for the dance. Back at the launderette, she finds a heart box too, then she is attacked. The next day, she's found in the dryer, her heart is in the box with another warning to cancel the dance. The Mayor and Chief say Mabel died of a heart attack but they are trying to see if it's the guy from 20 years ago but the hospital can't find his record?

 

Meanwhile with AJ back in town, he want to get back with Sarah but Axel's not into it. It's a good triangle because they talk about it. Sarah is torn she does still like AJ but he left without telling her, so she feels abandoned.

 

All the young folks are bummed about the canceled dance, but the miners say they can party at the mine mess hall. They all go over there. AJ and Axel fight, Sarah says she's not into either of them.  A couple goes to the shower/coverall drying room to fool around. The guy, Dave goes to get more beers and lady is killed.

 

A dude goes to the kitchen to get a hot dog and his face is boiled. Two other ladies go get hot dogs and discover a cooked heart in the hot dog water. They discover Dave dead in the fridge. The girls and dude reveal the dead bodies and say we've got to get out of here but Sarah, Patty, Howard, another couple go down to the mine as a distraction for Sarah. They start in the mine cart down. The couples goes to fool around. Then after the upstairs party disperses, Axel and AJ go down to the mine to get everyone. They all think it's the crazy miner from 20 years ago. By now the other group has found the police Chief, he gets a group to head to the mine. Down in the mine the killer gets the couple. Howard and Hollis also die.

 

Axel and AJ find Patty and Sarah, they try to climb out because the elevator isn't working. A body falls from above. They head back down. Patty keeps freaking out but then she's killed. They think Axel falls down a water pond. Now it's just Sarah and AJ try to escape the killer. They get the cart headed back up but it's not moving fast. AJ has a shovel to fight off the killer's pickax. They get off and Sarah runs to the side tunnel. Sarah pulls off the killer's mask and it's Axel!

 

Axel was a kid when his dad was killed 20 years ago by Harry Warden the original mine cave in survivor crazy guy.  There is a small cave in. The townspeople get Axel loose but he runs deeper into the cave screaming "Sarah be my bloody valentine!"

 

 I watched the Shout Factory transfer and it looks great, but it's almost too bright for some scenes that are meant to be a little more mysterious. I had seen it before but it was super fun to revisit on Valentine's Day. I love how wonderfully Canadian it is, and I love that they aren't supposed to be teens. They are young adults in a weird little town. 

Great!