Slaughterhouse Rock

 Watched October 14, 2022

 

1987

Director: Dimitri Logothetis

Starring: Nicholas Celozzi, Tammy Hyler, Tom Reilly, Donna Denton

 

We watched this as a continuation of the Rock 'n' Roll nightmare theme.

The title credits are great. Then it opens in a dank, flooded dungeon hallway. A rotting corpse is being eaten by rats. A person is shackled, he grabs a machete out of the corpse and tries to break the shackles. But the monster keeps moving towards him. Instead the man cuts off his own hand.  Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) wakes up, it's a dream but his hand is still cut off... double dream!

 

Jump to a random university, based on the SF Bay area setting I'm guessing it's supposed to be Berkeley. Alex lives with his older brother Richard (Tom Reilly) and two guys who are all college students. As they walk out of class, one of them reads an article from a newspaper about Sammi Mitchell (Toni Basil) going to Alcatraz and dying. It seems like Alex has been having dreams longer than one night. 

 

Two girls show up at the college student's group house, Richard's girlfriend Krista ( Hope Marie Carlton) and Jan (Tammy Hyler) who is interested in Alex. Krista and Richard go to his room and immediately start having loud sex, while Alex and Jan awkwardly sit in the living room and try to make small talk. There is old mac n cheese stuck in a pot on the coffee table, so they go out for burgers. This scene is so weird, we see almost everyone else in the restaurant before we get to Alex and Jan sitting at a table. Alex is being plagued by the demons even during the day, Jan is talking but he can't seem to focus. He is having a waking nightmare about a hand grabbing him through the wall. 

 

In his Intro to Psychokinetics class with Professor Carolyn Harding (Donna Denton) Alex has another waking nightmare that his cheek is crawling with worms and he spits out a worm. He screams, attracting the attention of the whole class. Later on at the bar the gang is hanging out but Alex is still depressed and sleep deprived. Jan wants to watch over him as he sleeps and she says she'll sleep on the couch. 

 

That night Prof. Harding comes over, talks to Jan, smells smoke and they see that Alex is on fire in his bed. They manage to wake him up and the fire stops. Prof. Harding takes Jan and Alex to her office, it turns out the class Prof. Harding has an old book that she thinks explains the haunting dreams. After the civil war, an old Commandant shacked up on Alcatraz and started killing and eating sex workers (alive!) Prof. Harding is convinced the ghost of the old man has something to do with Alex's nightmares. She convinces them to go to Alcatraz that night.  One of the roommates has a relative with a boat.

 

 I was convinced they couldn't get actual Alcatraz footage but I guess they did. They make it to the island and start wandering around the old jail. Alex gets separated from the group and finds  the ghost of Sammi Mitchell. Sammi explains that she found an old book in the library and brought back the spirit that's killing everyone and haunting Alex. Sammi helps Alex astral project to talk to the spirits. Richard is attacked and becomes possessed by the old commandant. Richard attacks and rapes Krysta but she manages to escape.  Richard creeps around and kills the two roommates and one of them he punches through the head! He kills Krysta by biting her neck. Alex goes to the basement of his dreams trying to open a door. Meanwhile Prof. Harding and Jan lure the Richard monster to an old shack and then light it on fire. Prof. Harding doesn't make it out. Alex manages to open the dream door revealing light that kills the spirit version while the ladies burn the physical version, completing the demon vanquishing.

It ends with Alex and Jan at her sister's nice house playing piano, all their friends are dead.

  

It's never explained why Alex is the one having these nightmares, his connection to either the Commandant or Sammi Mitchell is never explained. One idea fix to the weak plot, it starts with a Sammi concert in San Francisco. Alex is a huge fan, he gets an autograph so they actually get a face to face connection. Sammi is a big occult fan and she gets the book, opens it and unleashes the commandant but connects with Alex so there is an actual reason he's having these dreams. And instead of just creepy torture dreams, Alex also dreams of Sammi asking for help.

 

A lot of fog shots and Alcatraz shots setting even though I thought they were fake. The special effects are great. Jan and Alex have no chemistry so it's hard to root for them. Alex is a terrible, unsympathetic main character. The two roommates have some comic relief moments, but doesn't fix the plot problems. The cannibal commandant is good but weird. The music is by Devo, which is awesome but doesn't make it a worthwhile movie.

My favorite part is the reason that Alex is taking Professor Harding's Intro to Psychokinetics is that he thought it would be an easy A.

Rappin'

Watched January 10, 2016

1985
Starring: Mario Van Peebles, Eriq La Salle, Tazia Valenza, Leo O'Brien

I just watched the documentary Electric Boogaloo about the Cannon production company, and forgot that I had added Rappin'  to my netflix dvd queue a long time ago. Breakin' pretty much sums up how the Cannon system worked: get an idea that people are excited about, sell it based on a poster, not a script, then make up the movie as you shoot it.

Rappin' came out after Breakin' but is trying to capitalize on the same movement. John "Rappin'" Hood (Mario Van Peebles) is just out of jail for something and he comes back to his old neighborhood, which is very run down. He lives with his grandma and his younger brother Allan (Leo O'Brien), who at first seems like a very good kid, but it will come out of nowhere that he has some problems. At the local dance club John runs into the main white asshole, Duane (Charlie Flohe) who is dating Dixie (Tazia Valenza), a girl that John likes but never officially dated. I don't know why Duane hates John but he makes it very clear he is not happy that John is back in the neighborhood.

An evil developer, is trying to push everyone out of the neighborhood so he build something more profitable, I can't remember exactly what.  The developer sends his lackey to try to evict everyone, plus he gets the heat turned off which seems super illegal to the tenants. 

Dixie is an assistant at a local recording studio. With her boss they hold an audition for local rap talent. Dixie really thinks John has some talent, so they get him to audition and he's supposedly really great. He has been rappin' all throughout the movie but it's pretty raw, but I guess he's got a lot of talent.

Out of nowhere, Allan steals the stereo of the lackey trying to evict everyone and sells it to the local shady pawn guy. John doesn't want his brother to end up in juvenile detention so he tells the lackey says he'll get the stereo back, so the lackey won't press charges.  The lackey then pays the evil white gang, lead by Duane a bunch of money to threaten everyone in the neighborhood to leave.

John is so talented that the music producer pays him to come audition.  John needs the money to buy the stereo from the pawn shop. By the time he gets back to the pawn shop, the stereo is gone and Allan is already in juvenile detention. John threatens the lackey, who didn't get Allan arrested, it was actually Duane. John figures out what has Duane is behind all the neighborhood intimidation so their gangs get into a fight. John and his friends win, and somehow the developer isn't able to take over the neighborhood, again the details don't make a ton of sense in a movie that is mostly just a vehicle to have some rap songs.

The end credits are the best because everyone raps, and I mean everyone including Dixie. There is a crazy scene where the local slutty lady pretends to seduce the oil truck driver while John and his friends steal it and give heating oil to all their neighbors. One of John's friends works in a produce warehouse which is just an opportunity for John's gang to rap about their fat friend Fats having a snack attack. The rapping is terrible even if Ice-T is in it. The plot doesn't make much sense, if that isn't obvious by how many details I've quickly forgotten. The outfits are pretty cool though, Dixie wears some giant sweaters.

Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare: The Edge of Hell

Watched October 13, 2015

1987
Starring: Jon-Mikl Thor, Jillian Peri, Frank Dietz

The Tritonz, a heavy metal band from the US comes to a farm house in Canada to write and record their new album. But what they don't know is that the family that lived in the house previously was attacked by some mysterious demons, and the demons may still be around.  All the band members bring their wives and girlfriends as support. The drummer has a weirdly fake Australian accent. John (Jon-Mikl Thor) the lead singer of the band and his lady take the master bedroom of the house, which has a bed made to look like a piano. 

All the bandmates settle into the house. The bands manager Phil (Adam Fried) makes them dinner then they all head to the barn to record some songs. While Phil is rocking out in the control booth to the awesome sound of The Tritonz, a cyclops demons that looks like a penis spits in his drink. Phil unknowingly drinks the demon spit and things begin to get weird. He goes down the basement to find some extra drum sticks. One of the bitchy girlfriends shows up and comes onto him. But she turns into a demon and bites him on the shoulder. 

The band leaves the barn to find the van is gone, so they think Phil took it since they can't find him either. All the couples take this opportunity to make out. Later that night a bunch of groupies come to the house.  Demon possessed Phil shows up again and tells them to show him their boobs, but they freak out and leave. The drummer guy gets demon possessed too but becomes a better lover because of it. The couples keep dying but not before the keyboardist hooks up with a guitarist and have a long drawn out gross sex scene. Then John and his woman have an equally long and gross shower sex scene. Eventually every one is presumed dead except for John. In the barn, a huge demon comes to kill John. To combat the demon, John reveals himself to be the Angel Triton and he concocted all the people and the story that we just saw to get the demon to come out. There is no band, it was all an elaborate ruse, with lots of sex scenes. John fights the demon, as the demon throws demonic starfish at him. They lock arms and try to overpower one another. In the end, John doesn't beat the demon, the demon just decides to leave the house.

There is a ton of filler footage of the van driving down highway on the way to the house. They also show the house and the moonlit night many many times, trying to get across a mood of spookiness. There are lots of boobs and super gross too long sex scenes. All the acting is really bad. All the mini demons looks like dick worms. The fight with the main demon at the end is pretty great because it's so bad. It's super terrible, but kinda fun in that regard.

American Anthem

Watched October 6, 2015

Starring: Mitch Gaylord, Janet Jones, Michael Pataki

It begins with a montage (the first of many) cutting between shots of the New York City skyline and the mountains of Flagstaff, Arizona. It's a very confusing start because we haven't been introduced to the main characters yet. Steve (Mitch Gaylord) has a job welding in a motorcycle shop and it seems like a pretty good job. Steve's dad has been out of work for a year after being laid off. and is very angry about it. Steve had a college football scholarship, along with being a very talents gymnast, but then his dad broke his arm and Steve couldn't take the scholarship.

Julie (Janet Jones) is a gymnast from New York who comes to the TOPs gym in Flagstaff to train for the upcoming competition to try out for the national gymnastics team. Even though Steve no longer is training in gymnastics, he still comes to watch some of the other gymnasts.

Steve and Julie meet and have a montage of falling in love, or something like that. At the gym, Julie is being pushed harder than she has ever been before. She happens to have a cousin, Arthur (Andrea Bianchi) who lives in Flagstaff. Arthur's main hobby is playing crazy synthesizers ever since his legs were damaged in a car accident that killed both his parents. Julie really like the songs that Arthur composes and she tries to incorporate them into her floor routine, but her coaches aren't into it.

Julie convinces Steve to come back to gymnastics. He agrees, but has a hard time juggling practice time with his job at the motorcycle shop. Plus his dad has some real rage issues.

At a practice meet, Steve tries a crazy move on the high bar and falls onto his spotter. The spotter is pushed into a table, his face broken and covered in blood.


When he's not at the gym, Steve has set up a bar in the woods between two trees that he practices on. One night, he's on his tree bar when it's raining and he falls off the bar after doing some crazy move. I'm not sure if this helps him realize that he needs to stop practicing in the woods or that he needs to focus more on his life goals.

After a falling he decides not to take the bus down with the rest of the team for the big competition in Phoenix. He comes home to his parents fighting, it seems like his dad is in a mood again. Steve tells his brother to run from the house., So his little brother gets on a trike ATV and races off. Then Steve chases him on his motorcycle. It's a very strange chase, but the little brother won't seem to stop. The brother falls off the ATV before it runs off a cliff. The brother almost falls off the cliff too but Steve gets there in time to save him. After some indecision, Steve decides to head down to Phoenix to compete after all. He runs into his mom on the way and invites her to come watch him.

Steve makes it to Phoenix in time for the competition. It's a very long meet, we see almost every character do a full routine. Julie decides after some hesitation to use her cousin's song for her floor routine and she makes the team. Steve does too. The end

There are a lot of ADR lines especially when Steven and Julie are courting. Steve broods a lot and has lots of cut shots, he doesn't seem to be in the same scenes as people. There are a lot of blue lights around making it feel like a music video. Mitch Gaylord, a great gymnast, is not an actor. I do like watching gymnastics, but this movie doesn't make it fun. It also doesn't do a good job showing why Mitch quit in the first place. Also, why did he get a football scholarship if this movie is about gymnastics.

I liked Julie's leotards.

The Hidden

Watched July 6, 2015

1987
Starring: Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Nouri, Claudia Christian

It begins with a crazy dude robbing a bank and shooting a bunch of hostages. He then steals a Lamborghini and leads the cops on the crazy chase that ends in a death defying shoot out and crash. The robber is super burned during the car crash but somehow is still alive and taken to the hospital. At the hospital, just before he dies he transfers his internal alien parasite into the man in the bed beside him. The parasite's new body has a heart condition and gastrointestinal distress, but the parasite manages to revive him and get itself out of the hospital.

Lloyd Gallagher (Kyle MacLachlan) shows up as an FBI agent from Seattle to work with Tom Beck (Michael Nouri) the local detective on the case for all the people that the first guy murdered. Lloyd knows to chase the second guy from the hospital because he has some clue to how the parasite works, but he doesn't say that. He doesn't even reveal to Tom that he knows it's an alien parasite.

The parasite guy steals money from a record store, kills the clerk and takes a boom box. He then steals a red Ferrari. The cops track him down to a strip club but he has already transferred the parasite to a stripper, Brenda (Claudia Christian.)  She wears this dress that just looks like a strapless red mini in the front, but the back is all straps with a huge dip that shows off her butt cleavage, it's nuts. Now infected, she fucks some random dude to death and steals his car. The cops chase her but she has a bunch of weapons from when the parasite was in its second body. Lloyd and Tom chase her from a car, but she runs out onto a roof top. She is shot a ton of times and Lloyd pulls out a crazy specialized weapon, but she jumps of the building before he can use it. She transfers the parasite to a dog before she dies.

The parasite goes from the dog to the owner who happens to work at the police station. At the police station, the parasite infected guy goes nuts and shoot up the place. Lloyd was acting so weird that Tom arrested him, but Tom now believes the alien parasite is real and get Lloyd out of jail. At the jail, the current parasite guy keeps shooting everything. Tom and Lloyd manage to shoot him, but the parasite jumps into another body first. 

It all comes down to showdown where the parasite manages to get into a Senator that is about to announce his candidacy for president. Lloyd and Tom manage to get to the hotel where the press conference is and they shoot the bad guy but Tom is shot in the process. They Senator is dying and thecops are going to arrest Lloyd for shooting him. Lloyd using a flame thrower to light the Senator on fire which draws out the parasite and allows Lloyd to use his special weapon to kill it. The Weirdest part is the very end. Tom is dying in the hospital, he has a wife and young daughter. It turns out that Lloyd was such a good parasite hunter, because he's an alien too. But a good alien who has been tracking the party parasite who just wants to create havoc on Earth for some time. Tom is going to die, so Lloyd transfer his alien into Tom's body, so that Tom's wife and daughter will still have a dad, even though it's an alien dad.

This movie is great! The parasite is so gross and like a teenager, into slutty chicks, fast cars and loud music. I can't believe that I hadn't heard of this movie before, I highly recommend it.

Andromedia

Watched March 13, 2015

1998
Starring: Hiroko Shimabukuro, Kenji Harada, Ryo Kara

I've been trying to find more movies from the mid-'90s that have visualizations of the Internet experience. I find it fascinating the various attempts to make code and early websites look visually appealing. This search led me to Andromedia, a film by Takashi Miike. 

Mai (Hiroko Shimabukuro) is your average teenaged schoolgirl who has a nice group of close friends. Yuu (Kenji Harada) has been her friend since they were kids but now she has romantic feelings towards him and it has caused a rift between her and her girlfriends. Yuu and Mai have a special spot where they've always gone to play or be together; an always blossoming cherry tree that somehow exists on the beach. Mai and Yuu kiss and it seems their relationship is about to change from friends to more. After a nice day together, Mai is walking home when she is run over by a truck.

 Mai's father is a computer whiz who had recorded all of Mai's memories to disc. When she dies, he transfers her memories to a digital version AI, who then becomes Mai in the computer. The bad guys have been watching Mai's dad and know that he has activated this program. They want his technology so they break in to his house and kill him, but as he dies he unplugs Mai from his computer and pushes her into the web. She shows up on the school computer where Yuu is. He is able to transfer her program to a laptop and take her everywhere.  Yuu meets up with Mai's friends and they all go to the beach. Mai is very happy for being recently deceased, she even though can't smell the salt of the ocean. The bad guys continue to track down Mai, they have order from some English speaking guy in either the US or Canada. They release a virus to attack Mai. At the same time, Yuu is chased by the henchmen on foot but he keeps running with laptop Mai. He happens to run into the boy band Da Pump who are driving home from a bathhouse in a VW beetle. Yuu gets a ride but the bad guys are hot on their trails. This is where things get really wacky. The bad guys manage to mess with the air conditioning system in the beetle so it gets really hot then really cold in the car. The VW's steering wheel even comes off for a moment. Da Pump and Yuu manage to jump out of the car before it goes over a cliff and bursts in flames.

A deadly car chases doesn't get Da Pump down, they all head to their cool fire themed club house where they sing their hit song and do a dance routine. It comes out of nowhere, but I appreciated it since the movie was getting really slow.

It turns out that Mai has a half brother who is also a computer whiz, but has a brain aneurysm that is going to kill him. He has wants Mai for some reason, maybe just to make sure the bad guys can't get to her. He built the mass of computers and cables that are still in the high school's computer lab. That is where Yuu found Mai. 

The bad guys find all the girlfriends and bring in the mega computer/server farm. They want Mai, I still don't know what they want to do with the technology or her specifically. Yuu shows up with Mai in the laptop, Rika is held hostage and will be shot if Yuu doesn't give the bad guy Mai. Yuu can't let her go, luckily one of her friends saves Rika's life by grabbing the laptop out of Yuu's grip. All the friends manage to escapes after the bad guy uses the AI program to access his memories the end up destroying him. All the girlfriends are friends even if there is some strange feeling floating around because Rika also likes Yuu. All the friends again meet on the beach, but Mai is ready to say goodbye. Yuu still can't let go and I was convinced he was going to drown himself along with computer Mai. Instead computer Mai is drowned in the ocean while Yuu floats around.

 Mai's half brother meets his end by being crucified by his pile of computer monitors and wires. I did not understand what was going on with him. The dynamic between all the friends was really confusing, it took me awhile to understand that all the girlfriends were estranged because both Mai and Rika liked Yuu. Yuu is obsessed with digital Mai in a really unhealthy way, she's just a talking laptop.

I typically enjoy the dated outfits of older movie but it seems that the average Japanese teenaged girl has been wearing the same outfit for 30 years: over-sized sweater, short pleated plaid skit, thick socks, and little tennis shoes. 

This movie is slow and confusing, the weird dance montage doesn't make it worth it. Digital Mai is pretty cool but she doesn't interact with the Internet very much. 

Slaughter High

Watched June 22, 2014

1986
Starring: Caroline Munro, Simon Scuddamore, Carmine Iannaccone, Donna Yeager

Marty (Simon Scuddamore) is relentlessly picked on by the popular kids at his high school. He finally thinks things are turning his way when Carol (Caroline Munro) leads him into the girl's locker room with the implication that they'll be having sex. She pushes him into a shower stall and prompts him to undress. Once he's disrobed she opens the curtain to reveal all her friends are there with video equipment, lights and a spear to poke his genitals with. Marty is mortified, but they won't let him go with just the embarassment of being nude in front of a bunch of jerks. They grab him, drag him across the floor, then give him repeated swirlies until the coach barges in.  All the bullies get gym based detention and blame Marty for this. Even though, based on this prank they're psychopaths, so they continue have it in for Marty. They give Marty a joint for his troubles which he goes to smoke in the chemistry lab, but it's a trick joint that makes him vomit. Skip (Carmine Iannaccone) the leader of the popular jerks puts some powder into the mix in the chemistry lab while Marty is throwing up in the bathroom. When Marty comes back to the lab, his conconction is overflowing and ignites the bunsen burner. He tries to put it out but the lab erupts in flames, Marty flails around and knocks some acid in his face. The whole lab catches fire, Marty is horribly disfigured but survives. 

Ten years later, we meet the same gang of bullies as they arrive at their old high school for the reunion. The school appears to be abandoned but that doesn't deter this group. They break into the school, convinced that the reunion is happening. After wandering around they find the old janitor, now groundskeeper who informs that the school has been closed for 5 years and it about to be demolished in the next month. The janitor lets them hang out and heads on his way when he is murdered by the mysterious killer for no reason. He happens to be black and had nothing to do with Marty's bullying, he actually got the coach when Marty was being attacked in the bathroom. For the first death it doesn't make any sense.

The group finds the party room, which is decorated with a big welcome back banner along with all their old lockers in it and, of course, lots of alcohol. Within their lockers, they each find items that mysteriously disappeared when they were in high school, but who cares, let's party! They start drinking and having a great time. One guys shotguns a beer, instantly feel terrible, then his stomach bursts open and he dies. Thus begins the terror of Marty's revenge. One of the ladies got some blood on her face from the guy's stomach exploding, so she goes to the girl's locker room where there is a bathtub. She takes a bath, but the water coming out of the spout turns to acid blood and burns her alive. The whole school gets locked down, with the windows covered in electrified wire so everyone is stuck in this horrible murder school. Marty hunts down each former bully and kills them. There are some good deaths and a lot of chasing scenes.

Then we find out why this film was originally called April Fool's Day. Marty wakes up from his revenge dream to be in the recovery wing of a mental hospital. He is still horribly scarred but we aren't sure it his revenge fantasy was ever real. But he wakes up and attacks his doctor with a syringe anyway.

I'm pretty sure I got to see the unrated version because Whoa! I wasn't ready for the amount of full frontal male nudity that occurs during the first 10 minutes. It's really intense to think that while these guys were holding Marty in the toilet they basically were looking at his butt hole. I didn't like the movie April Fool's Day because all the murders turned out the be tricks and it makes me like this movie a little less if the murders were just dreams. Right now all I remember about April Fool's Day is that they ate a bunch of boiled hot dogs. 

Marty's bullies are really terrible people, they weren't playing pranks on him they were trying to rip him apart emotionally and tear him down physically too. All these high schoolers look about 40 and the actress that played Carol was 37 when she made the movie and it shows, so that takes away from feeling remotely serious. Still some shockers which makes it worth and you do get to see all these terrible people die.

Prom Night

Watched April 8, 2014

1980
Starring: Jamie Leigh Curtis, Leslie Nielson, Casey Stevens, Anne-Marie Martin, Michael Tough

We recently picked through Jen's VHS collection and pulled out a selection of movies that we either had never seen or wanted to watch again to decide if Jen should keep them. She is maxed out on her shelf space and needs to make some room by getting rid of some dude. So now we've got a long list of movies to watch, some of them look terrible and others I'm very excited to watch. Prom Night was on top of the pile we made.

I had seen Prom Night before, but it was at least five years ago. Once the movie started we all had memories of the beginning, but we had forgotten most of what happened. We had previously watched Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 and for the most part really liked it so it was nice to revisit the original. As we would find out that aside from the theme of prom and murder, Prom Night and Prom Night 2 have very little to do with one another.

Kim and her siblings Robin and Alex are walking home from school one day when they see a group of kids playing in an abandoned building. Kim and Alex aren't interested but Robin runs to join the group. The group consists of four kids: Wendy, Jude, Kelly and Nick who let Robin join but then starting picking on her. They back Robin into a corner in front of a window and ultimately Robin falls out the window to her death. The four bullies make a pact to never discuss what happened. Robin's death is pinned on a known rapist, who is jailed for the murder.

Six years later, Kim (Jamie Leigh Curtis) is getting excited about the upcoming prom. All the kids involved in Robin's murder are reintroduced as teens. Wendy (Anne-Marie Martin) the leader of the group is still very much a bully. She assumes Nick (Casey Stevens) will take her to the prom, but Nick is going with Kim. Jude (Joy Thompson) doesn't have a date until she's approached by a dude in a van, she quickly accepts a ride from him and her date is secured. Kelly( (Mary Beth Rubens) has been going steady with Drew (Jeff Wincott) but they haven't gone all the way so there is a lot of pressure for prom night to be the night.  All four of the kids responsible for Robin's death get threatening phone calls from a mysterious man who they don't know and that kicks off the night of magic and murder.
 
Everyone gets to prom and are ready for the best night of their lives but little do they know a murderer is on the loose. Kelly and Drew head to the romantic locker room where they make out but Kelly still isn't ready to go all the way. Drew leaves in a huff, then Kelly is attacked by a mysterious man, her throat is slit with a shard of glass.

Jude and Seymour (the van guy) ditch prom to go have sex in his van. They are getting high post coital when the back van door is swung open and Kelly is stabbed multiple times in the throat. Seymour lunges to the driver's seat and tries to drive away. The movie we had was so dark that I couldn't see that the black-clad killer was attacking him as he tried to drive away. I just though Seymour was so scared he was driving erratically. The killer knocks Seymour out, gets the van in drive, it races over a cliff there it instantly bursts into flames.

The killer makes it back to the prom and stalks Wendy with an ax. Wendy is pretty crafty but the killer corners her in a closet.

Next on the killer's list is Nick. Wendy had worked out a plan with the deadbeat Lou (David Mucci) to ruin the prom for Kim.  Lou and his friends tied up Nick and Lou was taking his place as prom king. The killer decapitates Lou and his head rolls down the runway where Kim and Nick were supposed to walk down as king and queen. Kim finds Nick and unties him, the whole gym was evacuated once they saw Lou's head. Kim and Nick fight with the masked killer and lead him out to the front of the school where the cops are waiting.

Angela called it on who the murderer was but I was pleasantly surprised as they throw out several red herrings. I usually just spoil everything with a dry plot synopsis but I leave the killer out of it this time so you can discover it for yourself. 

While this is no doubt a slasher film the prom theme; Disco Madness also plays a huge part. Kim and Nick do a big dance routine once they're crowned prom royalty. The decorations include one of those awesome gridded light up dance floors. This is a fun slasher movie. I like how they reintroduce the older characters as teens, well thirty year old teens. Wendy is a great lead bitch. Jamie Leigh Curtis is a solid heroine as ever.

The Horrible Dr. Bones

Watched February 21, 2014

2000
Starring: Darrow Igus, Larry Bates, Sarah Scott Davis, Danny Wooten

We are introduced to Dr. Bones (Darrow Igus) a record producer, when his assistant brings a singer to audition for him. When Dr. Bones plays his intended backing track, the guy's head explodes. Dr. Bones discovers that to fulfill his intended plan he need to find a really great live group. He holds open auditions where he meets Urban Protectors, a hot R&B band with a really sexy lead singer Lisa (Sarah Scott Davis). Urban Protectors have their own sound guy, Jamal (Larry Bates) who Dr. Bones and his assistant instantly dislike. Dr. Bones loves the Urban Protectors unique sound so he signs them right away. Jamal is a little wary but still supportive of his group. 

Dr. Bones wants the Urban Protectors to play a live show to show off their talents, or so they think. It turns out that Dr. Bones has a crazy spell that he wants to cast to take over the world. He can hide the spell in music but when he tried recorded sound that guy's head exploded. They play the show and the spell works, it gives Dr. Bones control over everyone. Jamal knows something is up so he heads to the basement where he finds Dr. Bones working his spell. He also finds a aquarium that is empty except for a bunch of hearts on stands. Jamal grabs one of the hearts, squeezing it and he watches one of Dr. Bones minions fall down dead. Jamal manages to shake the band out of their stupor and convince them Dr. Bones is bad news. All the hearts are destroyed and Dr. Bones is pushed into a power convertor and destroyed...or so we think!

The effects are pretty terrible, there are a lot of rubber 3D hearts being tossed around. It's a short movie at about 73 minutes but it feels much longer which isn't a good sign.
This is a Full Moon production, so I knew I was in for some direct to video, low budget storytelling. Before the movie even began we got to see a trailer for Ragdoll, an advertisement for the Ragdoll doll,  and an for the soundtrack to Ragdoll. Then we got to see an ad for the soundtrack to The Horrible Dr. Bones, all before the movie started. I don't want any of those products but it did make me check out the Full Moon site and you can subscribe to their streaming service and watch all their terrible movies, I'm genuinely tempted.

Fear No Evil

Watched September 22, 2013

1981
Starring: Stefan Arngrim, Elizabeth Hoffman, Kathleen Rowe McAllen

This film covers the eternal struggle between reincarnations of Lucifer and Gabrielle, I guess they will constantly battle each other until the end of time.  We see an old man version of Gabrielle find Lucifer and stab him with a special golden staff. Now that this Lucifer is dead, he will be reborn and the battle of good versus evil will continue.

Next we see a baby, Andrew, at his baptism. As the holy water is poured over him he begins to bleed, squirting his mother in the face with blood. Wind blows through the church disrupting the ceremony,  in fear Andrew's mother runs out of the church with him. Next we see their house, over time it falls apart, it's a metaphor for how Andrew is ruining his parent's lives. His parents have a very strained relationship with each other and it seems like it's because Andrew has been such a terrible child. Now it's his 18th birthday, his mother made him a cake, but in lighting the candles his father drops it on the floor. The parents yell at each other and the mom fall down, when she tries to get up an iron falls on her head.

At school, Andrew (Stefan Arngrim) doesn't seem to have many friends but he does like a girl, Julie (Kathleen Rowe McAllen.) Julie doesn't know Andrew exists until he hands her a book she forgot in class, she has a vision of herself and Andrew entangled in a bed kissing and it's terrifying.

Now that Andrew is 18, he realizes that he's the embodiment of Lucifer. Andrew tries to dream rape Julie, it's pretty terrifying, but Julie manages to wake up.  Julie continues to get strange visions about Andrew and about an old woman.  She leaves her house, without telling her parents, and finds the old woman, Margaret. It turns out Margaret is the current embodiment of the angel Mikhail. Margaret believes that Julie is the embodiment of Gabrielle. Margaret tries to explain what they must kill Andrew but it's convoluted.

The church happens to be staging their annual version of the Passion play. Andrew decides that night is the right time for him to embrace his satanic powers. He ruins the play, starts killing people and raises some zombie dead. Margaret and Julie run around trying to find Andrew. Luckily the magic staff also stuns Andrew/Lucifer so he can't get away. They finally catch him and stab him with the staff, destroying him. They've won this round, until Lucifer is reborn again.

The tone of this movie is all over the place. It's trying to be a spooky religious horror movie but it's cut with high school scenes that feature then contemporary songs by the likes of the Boom Town Rats, The Ramones, Talking Heads, B-52's, Patti Smith and more! The music was fun, the tonal shifts were not.

There is a super crazy scene where all the high school guys are taking a shower, including Andrew. One of the dudes, Tony starts teasing Andrew, so Andrew kisses Tony, literally locking lips with him and forcing him to the ground. It's such a strange scene, they don't address how weird it is but  it does feature lots of male nudity.

I think there was supposed to be some chemistry between Julie and Andrew, so it would be harder for her to kill him but that never happened. Since they established the thin plot at the beginning, it was just a waiting game to have the same events happen all over again. It's a strange movie but it didn't leave me with many memorable scenes.

Neon Maniacs

Watched August 4, 2013

1986
Starring: Clyde Hayes, Leilani Sarelle, Donna Locke.

I just recently walked over the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time this summer, it was quite an experience, but I never knew about the horror lurking at the base of the bridge...until now. Little did I know that there are a bunch of mutant freaks, all with different signature characteristics, that come out at night and attack people. They drag their victims back to their lair where I assume they eat them.

Natalie (Leilani Sarelle) is just your typical teen out for a fun time with friends in San Francisco. What does that mean? Well, piling in a van and going to the park where everyone pairs off to make out. The neon maniacs show up and kill all of Natalie's friends, she barely manages to survive by staying in the van. By they way, these maniacs don't wear neon clothes, nor do they glow neon, but their blood is neon green, so that's where they get their name. The cops find Natalie in the van, she tells her story but they don't believe her. She heads home, her parents are conveniently in Europe. To de-stress after watching all her friends die she takes a dip in her pool, she falls asleep and is woken up by a blood rain, no, that was just a dream.

At school, no one believes Natalie's story, and they're pissed that their friends haven't reappeared. Steven (Clyde Hayes) has had a crush on Natalie for a long time and uses this opportunity to make a move, and surprisingly it pays off. Meanwhile, junior monster hunter Paula ( Donna Locke) is hounding Natalie for more information about the monsters. Paula has a video camera so she goes down to the bridge and finds the monsters, she tapes them but when she gets home the tape is blurry. 

Since Paula was around the monsters they got clued on to her scent and they track her down at her home. She eludes one of them and pushes it in the shower where she figures out that water destroys them. Paula lets the police know that she's seen the same monsters that Natalie saw but they still don't believe the monsters exist. 

Now it's time for the battle of the band costume party and Steven's band is playing. Everyone dresses up super awesome except for Natalie and Steven. Paula arms them all with squirt guns to protect from the monsters. Steven's band is Rick Springfield lite and they compete against a bunch of 40 year old in a hair metal band. Soon enough the maniacs show up and start dragging teens away. It takes Paula, Steven and Natalie awhile to get their squirt guns, but they do take out a couple of the maniacs.

Now that even more teens are head the police assemble a special squad to investigate under the Golden Gate Bridge. They don't find anything, but they don't really look that hard. The chief is the last guy looking around when he's attacked. It ends with Paula, Natalie and Steven in his car driving off, it's really unsatisfying.

While the ending was strange there is a lot of great stuff happening in this movie. Paula has a super nerdy friend who tips her off to monster happenings who is eating C-3PO's cereal, he's also wearing a may the force be with you shirt later on. Paula is just a super cute girl, too bad the actress didn't make any other movies. One of the maniacs is a snake cyclops and is super cool looking. I recommend this silly fun movie.

Stunt Rock

Watched July 31, 2013

1980
Starring: Grant Page, Monique van de Ven, Margaret Gerard, and Sorcery.

We first found out about this movie because the trailer was on the Sweet Sixteen DVD and it looked amazing. We thought the dvd and vhs were out of print; the only copies we found on amazon and ebay were expensive. We did find a place to rent it locally, but then Jen did some real searching and you can buy the DVD for $15 from the band Sorcery's website: http://sorceryrockband.com/stuntrock.htm
I bought the DVD and we had a bonus movie night to experience the magic, but it ended up being a little disappointing.

I'm sure this happens all the time in Hollywood, the behind the scenes creators want to get their moment in the spotlight. Grant Page is a real life stunt man who was most active in the '60's and '70's. Sorcery is a real '70's rock band that incorporated wizards and magic into their live shows. Put them together with no real plot and you've got Stunt Rock!

The thin plot that tries to hold the film together is that Margaret Gerard is a journalist doing a story on people who are so into their jobs that it kills them. She meets up with Grant Page as he is escaping from the hospital after being slightly injured doing a stunt. She begins to interview him about his job. This means that we get to see lots of memory flashbacks of Grant's famous stunts from other movies he's done. The stunts are great, but they choose to show them in strange split screen montages. Grant happens to be friends with Sorcery, so we get to see them play every night. The first time we see Sorcery it's great, the wizard makes fireworks appear and does magic tricks. By the third concert I was pretty done with Sorcery. That's about it for the plot. Grant does more stunts and asks Margaret out on a date while he is holding on to a rope strung between buildings. Some stunts are explained, which is cool. If you already love Sorcery's music this is like a really fun concert movie, but as a regular film it doesn't come together.

This reminded me of The Wizard of Speed and Time, which is about a special effects guy. I'm sure it must be tough to be the person that makes all the movie magic happen and not get recognized like actors do, but that's just the way it currently goes.

If anything, I would say watch the trailer, it sums up the movie and shows the greatest parts while being the correct length for the subject matter.

Spice Girls British Invasion Unauthorized & Spicy

Watched January 15, 2013

1997 video

Starring: Sheldon James and a bunch of young tourists around Piccadilly Circus.

This is a great example of trying to capitalize on a trend and failing miserably. Maybe this movie made some money,  I wouldn't be surprised as the Spice Girls were incredibly popular in the late 1990's. Since this is unauthorized they cannot use any of the Spice Girls music. There is a snippet of a midi version of Wannabe at one point, that's the closest you get to hearing any of their music. They also don't have access to any footage of them that isn't already in the public domain. So you mostly get still images of the Girls as well as reoccurring footage of them meeting Prince Charles.

The main premise of the this "documentary" is Sheldon James (not anyone you should have heard of) going to Piccadilly Circus and talking to young people there.  Most people say the they don't like the Spice Girls or they don't speak much English.  He also tries to talk to adults who all say they don't listen to the Girls and they are just another trendy pop band. Whenever a guy is interviewed a text overlay of "spicy guy" pops up. There are also empty locations where the Girls supposedly were at some point and a text overlay of "spicy sighting" appears. We are shown a shoe store where the Girls have bought some of their signature platform sneakers. All this is interspersed with vague details about the Girls personal lives, for the most part they all were dancers in men's clubs before they became superstars.

**Spoiler** So you kind of think they might show some new footage of the Spice Girls by the end of the video but instead you get a bunch of Spice Girls drag queens. It's pretty much the greatest thing ever, and I'm sure this is just what little girls wanted when they got this video. I had recently watched a Backstreet Boys fan video that actually showed all the boys behind the scenes and it was terrible and hard to watch.  This video turned out to be much more enjoyable since it's a huge disaster.  I can easily see a mom buying this video for her daughter back in 1997 and the kid being horrified when the big finale is a bunch of drag queens, not her favorite pop group.

This is such a strange video I tried to find out more about it. It doesn't exist on IMDB, but it is available on Amazon. For the most part the reviews are for Spiceworld,  so I couldn't find any upset girls who watched this expecting to see something about their favorite band.