Battlefield Earth

 

Watched January 17, 2025

2000

Starring: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, Sabine Karsenti

Director: Roger Christian

 

I read the book! I found it at a little free library. After starting the book, I found the VHS at a thrift store so it was all coming together. I had listened to several bad movie podcasts about the movie so I knew it wasn't good. The paperback is 1066 pages long, so it took me awhile to get though it, and I didn't want to watch the movie until I finished the book.

 

After starting the book, I knew the movie would be a challenge because it's a lot of internal thoughts of Terl and Jonnie, letting the reader know what their plans are and that is hard to show in a movie...let alone many of the other problems the movie has.

 

The movie is so many dutch angles! Text crawl about alien Psychlos taking over planet Earth. Jonnie (Barry Pepper) lives in a cave man looking village. He's off hunting when his dad dies. Chrissy (Sabine Karsenti), his gal pal tells him and immediately wants to take his horse and see if there is more outside their village. The elder warms of the monsters, but Jonnie heads out anyway. On his journey, he finds some other human tribes, they make it to the ruins of a city. Some Psychlos capture them after running through several panes of glass and more dutch angles. Jonnie is taken to the cages where they keep all the humans. ( In the book he is the only human captured at first.)

 

Terl (John Travolta) is the head of the Psychlo security on this planet. He hates it and hopes to leave soon. The Pyschlos don't breath Earth's atmosphere so their city/working area has a glass dome over the whole thing. Terl want to get gold and leave back to Planet Psychlo. He finds a gold vein but it's near uranium which would explode the Psychlo breath gas. He want to get humans to mine it for him. Terl grabs Jonnie after he tries to escape with two other guys. He throws him in the learning machine from the Chinklo people and Jonnie learns the Pscyhlo language and math, etc.

 

Terl then teaches Jonnie to fly Psychlo planes. Terl sets up Ker (Forest Whittaker) to take the blame for training humans. But Terl also get leverage on his superior because he's been lying about the Earth mine not being profitable. Explained better in the book, duh. This leader signs paperwork that is blank so Terl can acquisition the mining materials he needs to steal the gold he wants for himself without letting the company know about it.

 

The humans are dropped off at the mine but Jonnie discovers Ft. Knox on a map so they go get that gold and go train at an old air force base. Chrissie is captured somehow so that's why Jonnie does whatever Terl wants. She has a bomb collar put on her, Jonnie gets the captured folks to work together.

 

The group of humans uses the learning machine to show Ker the footage that Tern is trying to use as leverage to blame Ker if the 'home office' finds out.

 

Terl gets the gold and plans to transport it to his planet with their special transport thing. But the humans escape then one of them joins the shipment with a nuclear bomb. They blow the glass dome but we don't see the Pyschlos asphyxiate, instead Jonnie and Terl fight. Jonnnie puts the bomb collar on Terl's arm and it explodes. They blow up the Psychlo planet and they win.

 

It ends with the humans putting Terl in a prison made of his gold.

 

Some practical effects. The Psychlos  don't look as they are dexcribed in the book, they are supposed to be nine feet tall, hairy with eyelid and mouth bones. Instead it's John Travolta in huge boots and weird claw gloves. Chrissie is about the same poorly written character as the book. Barry Pepper tries his best as Jonnie. Obviously the book is a lot more involved with the interactions but it also has a huge debt/diplomacy ending about negotiating information about the Pyschlos war profiteering wiht all the aliens in the galaxy. The movie is bad, but nothing like I imagined it. It looks like they had a signaficantly lower budget than they expected so a lot of special effects don't cut it and it just seem slike missing footage in other areas.

 

The story could be a mini series now. It's weird Scientology doesn't make more movies based on all L. Ron Hubbard's sci-fi novels because they own it it, right? But this was such a bomb I guess they don't want to go down that route again.

Twin Sitters

 

Watched June 7, 2024

 

1994

Starring: David Paul, Peter Paul, Christian Cousins, Joseph Cousins

Director: John Paragon

 

I stumbled upon the Barbarian Brothers on IMBD looking at some other production. Their movies looked familiar but I didn't think I had actually seen any of them. We watched trailers for Double Trouble and Twin Sitters. Definitely capitalized on Arnold Schwarzenegger's success and bodybuilder/wrestler appeal in the 1980s. All the trailers seemed the same, it's a comedy with action and stunts and breaking though glass tables and going through doors and windows. So we picked Twin Sitters!

 

Peter (Peter Paul) and David (David Paul) work at an Italian restaurant as servers. Paul Bartel is a customer there with his wife. The cook is making gross food but people are eating it. The brother's trip, drop food, don't pick it up an order and they fight in the restaurant then are chased out by the cook with a decorative ax.

 

Dinner at home with mom and dad. The parents are supportive, one of the brothers is a good cook (not Traxx style) and they suggest they should open their own restaurant! Peter and Paul go to the bank the next day to try to get a loan, but they don't have any assets. They bring a bunch of food dishes they made and force feed the loan officer. They are kicked out of the bank!

 

Meanwhile Mr. Hillhurst (Jared Martin) has been using his trucking empire to dump toxic waste from Leland Stromm (George Lazenby) and making lots of money but is ready to quit. Mr. Stromm threatens Mr. Hillhurst's nephews as he is the guardian of them after their parents died.

 

After not getting the loan, the brothers go to the park. Mr. Hillhurst is there taking to government officials about exposing the bad guys. Then three of the bad guys good start shooting at Mr. Hillhurst right by a playground. David and Peter get playground kids to safety and by saving a real baby from getting run over, they're in the newspaper. They go to their gym, where Mr. Hillhurst's butler Thomas tells them he has a job opportunity for them. Mr. Hillhurst had to go testify and wants the David and Peter to watch his twin nephews, Bradley(Christian Cousins) the evil one and Steven (Joseph Cousins.)

 

The twins drive over to their house in their monster truck. Mr. Hillhurst offers them $5K/day for a week to watch and protect the boys. They agree.

 

Bradley and Steven are little troublemakers at first. There is a horny maid and a weird gardener and a sassy Black cook also at the house. But the cooking brother shares a recipe with the cook and they really get along.The boys say they only eat PB and bologna? At the first dinner, Brad dumps the food on the floor and glues one of the Brothers to his chair. The butler, Thomas is working for the bad guys and tells them which hotel Mr. Hillhurst be in, so the bad guys hires an assassin. 

 

Tuesday, the nephews try to electrocute the brothers in the pool but it doesn't work. The nephews continues to not try the food. The boys private tutor, Judy (Rena Sofer) comes and the brothers sit in on the class. The nephews try to run away and steal a car but the brothers are in the back seat. This breaks down the kids hesitance and the boys try the food and get fashion makeovers from David and Peter!

 

 David and Peter together go on a date with the tutor, but they bring the boys in their monster truck bypassing the security around the house by running over a car. 

The sniper can't take out Mr. Hillhurst at his hotel, so the new plan is the kidnap the nephews and hold them ransom until Mr. Hillhurst does what they want. Back at the house, poolside, one kid goes inside and is grabbed, fights back and the second kid goes in the gets grabbed. Brothers come in and everyone is fighting including the cook. The maid and the gardener are making out when a fight crashes through a glass door onto them. The boys are taken away by helicopter, with the Brother holding on until they have to let go and splashdown in the pool. Thomas tries to leave with the bribe money but the brothers call him out and get him to tell them where the boys are being held.

The boys are on a big ship. The brother calls on all their twin friends to help with the rescue, two Black guy fighters, two Asian fighters (gong sound bummer) and more. They get Brad and Steven back but the ship is rigged to blow up, they all jump in the water to escape the explosion.

The kids are safe and Mr. Hillhurst is no longer being extorted to continue working for Mr. Stamm. The Brother open their restaurant and all their twin friends come and eat. Mr. Hillhurst couldn't pay the brothers but are able to open the restaurant using their butter money?

 

It is a great movie, no, but there is a lot of fun stuff like monster trucks, double date with kids and a lady. Oh boy, the outfits! One million stars! Such a special mix of grunge, early 90s streetwear and wrestling/weightlifting fashion!

Airborne

Watched December 9, 2022

1993

Director: Rob Bowman

Starring: Shane McDermott, Seth Green, Jack Black, Edie McClurg, Alana Ubach. 

Mitchell "Goose" Goosen (Shane McDermott) is a laid back So-Cal dude. He rollerblades with his buddy to the beach to go surfing. Then they walk back home carrying their boards and blades. Mitchell comes home to his parents telling him they got a grant to study in Australia for 6 months. He's psyched! Australia's got surfing but he can't miss that much school. So he is sent to his Aunt & Uncle in Cincinnati for the Winter!

Mitchell brings his surfboard for no reason, it really shows how out of his element he is. His cousin Wiley (Seth Green) is a weirdo. Mitchell's California house is modern, whereas the Cincinnati house is grandma cozy vibes. California and Cincinnati couldn't be more different! Goose is set up on a cot in Wiley's basement room that has a hodge podge decor of motorcycle posters, an Eraserhead poster and hair metal bands.

Goose's first class in his temporary new high school is speech where everyone gets up and says their name and deal. Jack Black plays a bully who likes video games. Mitchell is a cool California dude who loves surfing. Wiley pretends to be into hockey, his dad is but he really isn't. Two girls drool over Mitchell and have a fantasy sequence of him sitting in swim trunks. After class, the main hockey dude is mad that his girlfriend is talking to Mitchell. Apparently there is non-school affiliated hockey games with this group playing the preps. Two of their players are out that day, so they force Wiley to play. Wiley gets hurt so Mitchell is brought in. He scores a goal in the wrong net and they are all pissed. Before playing hockey, Mitchell was sitting in the stands and he meets Nikki (Brittney Powell).

 After the ice hockey game went bad,  the hockey bullies play pranks on Mitchell all over school. They soak all the toilet paper while he's pooping, then infer that he didn't wipe and walked around with shit on his butt? They steal his clothes while he showers, but he finds some combination of clothes so he doesn't leave the locker room totally nude. They fill his locker with sand and dump water on him on the stairwell. 

Mitchell is bummed. The weather gets slightly nicer and his rollerblades arrive in the mail, yay! He goes out and runs into Nikki and takes her to a botanical garden greenhouse and skates around her. They makes a date for Friday but Mitchell said that he's hanging out with Wiley. Nikki brings her friend Gloria (Alana Ubach) so they can double date. Fashion montage of Wiley figuring out his look for the night. At first Gloria is not into Wiley. Mitchell and Nikki walk on the riverwalk and kiss then they all go to the teen diner. But the main hockey bully is Nikki's brother and he doesn't want her hanging out with Mitchell. He tries to fight Mitchell but Mitchell is too chill. But Mitchell makes the mistake of saying he'll be leaving town soon so there's nothing keeping him there. This makes Nikki upset and she runs off.

Mitch makes some rollerblading buddies, they skate around town on ramps and stuff. They run into a rematch street hockey game beteween the bullies and the preps. Mitchell ends up pantsing the main prep and you see his ball in his jock strap (?!) After this the bullies come to Wiley's house and tell Mitch how cool he is. They ask if he can help them with the devil's backbone race against the preps. It's a hill to waterfront race where a certain amount of each team needs to get to the finish line to win. The two teams set off down the hill and a bunch of folks eat it. Some preps make it. Mitch falls or something, then jumps off a flatbed truck. Mitchell ends up helping the main bully up and they skate together to the finish line into a huge crowd. Wiley and Gloria kiss and Mitch and Nikki kiss. The End. 

Mitchell has no growth. He doesn't want to go to Cincinnati, he thinks it'll suck and it does. Even with him being chill then doing the Devil's backbone race doesn't change that he'll head back to California at the end of the semester.

 One idea to have some sort of arc is that  Mitchell used to not be chill and get into fights but surfing helps him calm down so when he's prompted to fight he could turn to rollerblading. The other could be having some sort of stakes about staying in Cincinnati, like falling for Nikki makes him was to graduate high school there. His parents should have gotten an grant to study somewhere landlocked not Australia, or any other place not know for surfing, also they have schools in Australia where Mitchell could have gone for a semester.  The rollerblading is whatever, it's too muddled with hockey and surfing. Not X-treme enough either. Mitchell falls flat for me. Also two too many showers scenes.

Prayer of the Rollerboys

Watched November 18, 2022

 

1990

Starring: Corey Haim, Patricia Arquette, Christopher Collet, Julius Harris, Devin Clark

Directed by Rick King

This takes place in the not so distant future. After another big stock market crash, the entire US economy was decimated, losing its global power. Tons of kids were raised in chain link orphanages  presumable because their parents couldn't afford to take care of them. Griffin (Corey Haim) and his brother Miltie (Devin Clark) live in a tent on the property of Speedbagger (Julius Harris) who runs a bike and Rollerblade repair shop. 

 

Griffin works at Pinky's Pizza, delivering pizza in an armored van. After a pizza run, Griffin comes across a burning home, two people run out of, but someone is still trapped inside. Griffin rams the back of the van into the building, creating an escape hole and helps the guy get out. Griffin seems to recognize the guy, the cops show up and arrest Griffin, while the other guy flees. The burning building was a Rollerboy drug house. At the police station, Griffin's pizza job checks out and he is let go. 

 

Griffin is practicing rollerblading in a parking lot with Miltie when Gary Lee and the Rollerboys show up. Gary Lee thanks Griffin for saving Bullwinkle from the fire. Griffin doesn't want a reward in return. Gary Lee gives Miltie a cross with a dragon on it and says to ask if they need anything. 

 

Pinky is pissed that the van was destroyed and Griffin owes Pinky a lot of money to get a new one. Miltie shows up in a new minivan to replace the old one, courtesy of the Rollerboys. Griffin doesn't want to take it but Pinky does. Griffin isn't into the Rollerboys or Gary Lee even though they were friends as kids. The Rollerboys are white nationalist fascists who blame the 'other' for the woes of the US.

 

At the boardwalk, Casey (Patricia Arquette) asks Griffin for drugs, assuming he's a Rollerboy, but he isn't and doesn't have any drugs so he gives her the brush off, for now.

Miltie likes the Rollerboy lifestyle and goes to a circus carnival themed party with oil lady wrestling, champagne and mermaid girls on a carousel. Casey is there too. Griffin tries to get Miltie to leave but he's having fun. Gary Lee keeps trying to convince Griffin to beocome a Rollerboy. Griffin leaves the party, Casey follows him still asking for drugs. They make out and he takes off her underwear, he hands it to her and calls her easy. Griffin rollerblades through what looks like a sex worker alley and runs into two plainclothes police officers. After the police chase after Griffin, they take him to the police station. 

 

Detective Wakowski talks to Griffin about trying to stop the Rollerboys drug ring. Griffin doesn't want to do it. Here we learn that Casey isn't just a drug seeking Rollerboy groupie, she's an undercover cop. 

 

Miltie starts dealing drugs anyway, the Rollerboys sell a proprietary drug called Myst. Griffin tries to get Miltie to stop but then a rival Rollerboy gang does a drive by then chases Griffin and Miltie. They are cornered, Bullwinkle kills the rival gangmembers ans tells Griffin they're even for the fire rescue now. Griffin decides to works for the cops so he goes to Gary Lee's office to talk. Gary Lee is buying guns from overseas. He has a bunch of TVs on mannequins leg stands as decor in his offic. Griffin shoots one, Gary Lee is into it, and he invites Griffin to the real initiation.

 

At a shipping port, three guys are all trying to be Rollerboys, they're on rollerblades holding onto ropes attached to the back of a van. They have to grab a security badge and get out of the port alive. The first guy is shot in the back, lots of hot rollerblade action. Griffin makes it, the other guy is close but Gary Lee shoots him anyway.

 

Casey reveals to Griffin she's an undercover cop trying to help him, using them kissing as cover. She tells him he's got to work the drug kitchen so they can bust the Rollerboys with the equipment and drugs.

 

Speedbagger know how racist the Rollerboys are so he's very disappointed that Griffin has joined and Grifinf can't tell him that he's undercover. Speedbagger tells Griffin to get his new RV off of his property. Miltie takes Myst and gets in trouble with Gary Lee. No Rollerboy is supposed to get high off his own supply. Griffin goes to Casey's apartment, they make out, it looks like she's going to blow him but then she just takes his underwear and throws it in his face and says 'get to work!'

 

Bullwinkle tells on Griffin to Gary Lee that he's still friends with Speedbagger. Gary Lee says Griffin needs to be a more enthusiastic gang member. The Rollerboyss raid the rival gang, Bullwinkle again catches Griffin letting people go instead of killing them. 

Bullwinkle spies on Speedbagger. The gang has a big beat down where thy are skating around a hooded person punching them and kicking them. That person turns out to be Speedbagger. Miltie is now disillusioned with the gang, they get Speedbagger to the hospital, he's ok.

 

Griffin goes to Casey saying he's leaving town with Miltie and she can come if she wants. Her brother died as a Rollerboy so she wants to stay to stop them. They kiss and Griffin spends the night. In the morning, Bullwinkle barges in yelling at Griffin. Casey's police badge is on the table, Bullwinkle threatens to shoot them but the two cops surveilling Casey barge in. Bullwinkle grabs Casey but the second guy shoots Bullwinkle. The detective says they'll dump the body so it looks like MI6 (the rival gang?) but Griffin has to get the kitchen job now. 

 

 Gary Lee visits Griffin's house/RV and tells him Bullwinkle is dead. Gary Lee knows it was tense between Griffin and Bullwinkle but Griffin has the kitchen shift tomorrow. Griffin tells the detective to come. 

 

At the kitchen lab, Griffin paired with Bango (Mark Pellegrino) and Bango loves kitchen duty, he's having fun. Griffin learns the day of the rope is about poisoning Myst users so they can't reproduce: racial Eugenics. Miltie's only done it a couple times so I guess he'll be fine.  The cops show up, Griffin fights and hits Bango so he can't destory the operation with acid. The two undercover officers are corrupt and they're just gonna take the money but Casey shows up and shoots them plus the real detectives shows up. They leave the lab to find Gary Lee with Miltie and a bunch of Rollerboys. Shoot out then Griffin and Gary Lee, then a big roller chase with Gary Lee shooting at Griffin. Griffin then does a pole swing and gets Gary Lee's gun. He punches Gary Lee before Gary Lee can stab him. Ends with Griffin and Casey driving and making out with Miltie and Speedbagger in their RV heading to Oregon. But Gary Lee is in jail with his lawyer planning to get Griffin. Sequel set up that never happens.

Miltie is not great. Probably that's part of what made Corey Haim so special is that he was a good kid actor. I'm sorry that drugs took Corey Haim's life.  Being a child star/teen heartthrob seems brutal. Both Corey's were talents but had a hard time getting past stuff but at least Corey Feldman's is still alive.

 

I only on this rewatch realized that Gary Lee is played by Christopher Collet, who played Paul in Sleepaway Camp another favorite movie of mine from my high school years. 

 

Beautifully stupid and just my cup of tea. I also really love Corey Haim, so I've seen many stupid movies what he was in. The yellow filter over everything is a bit much. Lots of great rollerblading though! Rollerblading seems very challenging to make look dynamic on film. Turns out the screenwriter W. Peter Iliff was really on a Rollerblade kick because he also wrote the story for the made for TV movie, Blade Squad. I haven't watched it yet, but it's on my list.

 

We decided through randomness to watch rollerblade movies in November 2022. Compared to skateboard and roller skate movies there aren't as many Rollerblade movies even though it was big fad in the late '80s to the '90s, I'm looking at you jolly rancher commercial.

Blade II

Watched June 8, 2016

2003
Starring: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson, Ron Perlman, Leonor Varela

Unlike the vague memories I had of Blade, I had never seen this one before. And I didn't realize that Guillermo Del Toro was the director until the end credits, but that makes sense why it was a better movie than I expected.

Blade (Wesley Snipes) is still killing vampires. Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) was captured, tortured, not killed and put in a blood tank for years by the vampires. In the meantime, Blade hired Scud (Norman Reedus) as his vampire hunting helper. They eventually find Whistler but the two vampires break into Blade's compound. It turns out they want to work with Blade to fight a new breed of super vampires that feeds on both humans and vampires. Then it turns both into super vampires or "suck heads." Blade is always on board for killing vampires of any kind, even though he is wary of working with vampires so he takes a lot of extra weapons as a precaution.

The vampires have targeted the super vampires and assembled their own posse of fighters.
Reinhardt (Ron Perlman) is somewhat of the leader of the vampire fighters and he doesn't like the idea of working with Blade. The vampire posse all have silly nicknames: Chupa, Snowman, Verlaine, the Priest, etc.

First the blood buddies and Blade go to a vampire rave where the super vampires are suspected to be. It turns into a big fight, the super vampires can't be killed by silver but sunlight or UV light works. Blade finds the main super vampire and they fight on a catwalk until the blackout curtains covering the windows start to show some sunlight. Verlaine's boyfriend is bit by a super vampire but hides it. One of the other vampire fighter is killed and they blame the deaths on Blade. The group does find the entrance to the super vampire lair and a vamp is stuck in the door but he is dying. The super vampires have to eat so frequently if they don't their bodies start to eat themselves.

They do an autopsy on the now dead super vampire and find out it has a bone heart, which may be a secret in trying to kill them. The group makes some UV bombs and head to the lair to kill the super vampires. The bitten vampire in the posse tries to eat his girlfriend, Verlaine so she burns them both in the sun. Reinhardt manages to separate himself and the Nyssa (Leonor Varela) from the group, intending for the super vampires to kill Blade. Blade manages to get all the UV bombs to go off killing all the super vampires that were attacking them but almost killing Reinhardt and Nyssa at the same time.

Blade lets Nyssa drink from him so she can survive but then the vampire cops show up and basically arrest them. Scud is a familiar so he betrays Blade, but Blade knew not to trust him all along so he blows up Scud. Reinhardt beats up Whistler. Nyssa learns that her mega old vampire dad is the one who created the super vampires in the first place. They see the experiment lab with a bunch of vampire fetuses.

The first super vampire is his son, Nyssa's brother.  Blade is captured by the vampires and tied to a table, but Whistler manages to free himself then free Blade. Blade is weak but he jumps into a blood pool and comes out fighting. Blade cuts Reinhardt in half. Nyssa's super vampire brother finds his dad, bites him and kills him, then he bites Nyssa. Blade stabs the super vampire and uses an UV light to kill him. Nyssa doesn't want to die, but know she is about to turn into a super vampire. She asks Blade to take her into the sunrise to die. Blade and Whistler live to fight another day.

There are some crazy fun special effects in this one. When the super vampire die they burn up in an insane way. The super vampires also have crazy mouths that open down the the throat.  Pretty solid sequel, but then again Guillermo Del Toro knows how to do horror. With the Nyssa character they try again trying for a slight romantic subplot with Blade, but he is a robot so that's pointless.

Hard to Kill

Watched August 16, 2015

1990
Starring: Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, William Sadler, Frederick Coffin

Mason Storm (Steven Seagal) is a tough cop who is on a stake out one night. He videotapes a mob/Senator conspiracy to kill the Senator's competitor. He calls in to the station with the incriminating information to his officer friend, but a corrupt cop who is also working for Senator Vernon Trent (William Sadler) overhears their conversation. 

With the conspiracy on both video and audiotape Mason goes home to his hot wife and young son. But the bad cop has sent some henchmen to take out Mason. The evil guys break into Mason's house, kill his wife, shoot him and try to shoot his son who escapes out the window. Mason is taken to the hospital and initially declared dead. It turns out that Mason is just barely alive but in a coma, his partner Kevin (Frederick Coffin) asks them to not reveal that he's alive to the press. Now identified as John Doe,  Mason is taken to the L.A. Coma Center. 

Seven years later, Mason is still in a coma. His nurse, Andy (Kelly LeBrock) brings a kitten to try to get him out of his coma. It's either the kitten or Andy admiring his dick that wakes him up from his coma. Once he is awake, Andy calls the police because she was given a code number to call in if her ever awoke. Unfortunately the same corrupt police guys hear the call and head to the hospital to kill Mason. Even though Mason has little muscle strength with Andy's help they escape the coma center. 

Andy drives them to Ojai, she has been house sitting for a friend but no one knows she is there so it'll make a good safe house. Mason begins to build up his strength with acupuncture and martial arts training. Andy helps him find out some information about what happened the night he was shot. It turns out his old partner Kevin has been raising Masons son, who survived and his son is safe from the bad guys at a boarding school. Andy and Mason begin a romantic relationship.  The bad guys are still after Mason, they manage to find Andy and track her back to the house. Where there is a crazy shoot out, but Mason and Andy escape. Mason's old house has been sold but it's being remodeled. He sneaks in and breaks open a secret panel to get the evidence of the Senator's conspiracy with the mob. 

Even though his son was safe at the boarding school, Kevin brings him to meet his dad. Mason has a fight with some more of the bad guys and saves his son from them. Due to the Senator always saying the same phrase, Mason recognizes his voice from the audiotape and puts it all together. Mason now has his target. He goes to the Senator's house and surprises the Senator's evil henchmen. Mason kills the corrupt cop who has been trying to kill him this whole time. He finds the Senator but doesn't kill him, instead he is arrested. Mason is reunited with Andy and his son, the new family will live happily ever after.


Steven Seagal in his prime, pretty fun action stuff. The kitten at the coma center is very cute, the fact that there is a dedicated coma center is great. Steven wears these tight light blue jeans that leave little to the imagination and it's too much. There are multiple camera shots where all you see are the crotch of those jeans. Both Steven Seagal and Kelly LeBrock had some crazy outfits and it was fun to find out in the credits that they're outfits were by Armani.

Conquest

Watched July 27, 2015

1983
Starring: Andrea Occhipinti, Jorge Rivero, Sabrina Siani

I had never heard of this movie before, it's pretty crazy but it fits into the early '80s Beastmaster type fantasy model. Lots of tiny loin clothes and crazy cave man adventures.
 
A young man, Ilias (Andrea Occhinpinti) is given a bow by his people with the task of going to a foreign land. Once he becomes a man he will be able to make the bow shoot laser arrows that go wherever he needs them.

The other land is ruled by Ocron (Sabrina Siani) a lady who wears a golden full head helmet and a tiny thong. She had something to do with making the sun rise. She rules a gang of weasel faced wookiees that kill people and bring the heads for her to eat the brains. Ocron has a vision of Ilias killing her, so she sends her minions to kill him first. She summons a demon god to bring more bad things to attack Ilias and Mace.

On his journey, Ilias meets up with Mace (Jorge Rivero) when Mace saves him from being attacked by Ocron's henchmen creatures. Mace is a random warrior who has no problem killing a man to take the boar that he has killed, even though he explains that he didn't kill the boar, he's on the side of the animals. Right before Mace saved Ilias, Ilias saved a mud haired girl from a snake.  Mace knows the girl's family, they share a sheep that they stole from some guy with the family. The girl and Ilias make eyes at each other as they eat the meat. They all go to the sleep but the girl wakes Ilias to go make out, but then the girl is killed by the Ocron's creatures. Ilias is kidnapped and Mace is knocked out. Mace comes to and finds Ilias tied up, but they manage to escape the creatures anyway. They are then attacked by a mysterious poisonous arrow plant. While running away, Ilias is hit and gets a really bad infection, that could kill him. Mace leaves him to find a special plant that could heal him, but he is attacked again. He does makes it back to save Ilias from the poison. Ilias decides that he'll never become a man and heads home in a handmade boat. Mace is then captured by Ocron's creatures, but Ilias comes back and by doing that becomes a man that can shoot laser arrows.

Back together, Ilias and Mace decide to find Ocron, but that night Ilias is sucked into a black light cave. Mace goes after him but can't see what's happening, once he finds Ilias he is already dead and decapitated. Elias's head is taken to Ocron, but she knows that Ilias still has his soul even though he is head. Mace burns Ilias's body and rubs the ashes on his face giving him the laser arrow power. Mace finds Ocron, who takes off her mask to reveal a monkey skull face. Then Mace kills her and she turns into a wolf. Mace leaves to fight another day.

Lots of crazy things happen in this movie. At the beginning a young girl is ripped in half, then decapitated. Ilias has a crazy leather crop top and loin skirt combo outfit. If you like lots of fighting, oozing wounds, and exclusively topless women this movie is for you. It gets a little slow in the middle but the action scenes make up for it. There is also a part where Mace is saves from drowning by some dolphins.

Timecop

Watched June 29, 2015

1994
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Ron Silver, Mia Sara

Time travel loops often don't make sense, can you exist in the same place as yourself? Timecop tries to explain this, but it's not perfectly clear. Walker (Jean-Claude Van Damme) is a cop in 1994 who's newly pregnant wife is killed by some people where were trying to kill him. Jump to 2004 and he's now a time cop. At some point in the 1990's, time travel was invented, but they didn't want it to get into the wrong hands. Criminals figure out to how to time travel to commit time crimes, stealing famous treasures or investing in stocks. Walker now travels back in time to stop these thieves, but he is consumed with the loss of his wife and unborn child.

The officers somehow manage to track who is time travelling and can tell when someone is in the wrong place in time. Walker is sent back to 1929 to stop a stock market crash opportunist who was sent by McComb (Ron Silver) to make a bunch of money. McComb is a senator in 2004 who is running for president, but he needs money to fund his campaign.

The time cop initiative is losing funding because it is run by McComb, who only wants it for his own gain. Walker is sent back to 1994 with Fielding (Gloria Reuben) to stop another time crime. It turns out that Fielding was hired by McComb and she betrays Walker. Fielding is shot and Walker just barely makes it back to his own time. Now the time cop program is really being shut down, but Walker now has a plan to finally stop McComb. He manages one last trip back to 1994, and he is able to find his wife before she was killed.

At his house, Walker's past and future selves are trying to stop McComb and his henchman. 2004 McComb is going to blow everything up in the house including himself because his 1994 self will continue and become president in 2004. Walker brings 1994 McComb and pushes him into 2004 McComb where they merge and die. You cannot occupy the same place with two different time selves. Now is this timeline, Walker and his wife survive and McComb never becomes president.

There are some great action scenes, Walker kicks a man's frozen arm off and he does underwear splits to avoid getting electrocuted. The rule of not being able you can't touch you past future self because the same matter can't exist in the same place at the same time is very strange.There is a super gross and sensual love scene with Walker and his wife Melissa (Mia Sara.) I wish it had been cut out. There is a very dated roller blader at the mall. All of McComb's henchmen have the worst haircuts, but it's a very fun and enjoyable movie.

Virtuosity

Watched June 22, 2015

1995
Starring: Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, Kelly Lynch

Parker Barnes (Denzel Washington) is an imprisoned former cop who was incarcerated after he killed some innocent bystanders during a stand off with a psycho serial killer who kidnapped and killed his wife and daughter. He is still a good cop so he has been recruited for a virtual reality program to train cops for intense scenarios. During a test of the program, named SID 6.7 (Russell Crowe) the other prisoner is killed in real life when his brain is overloaded in the digital world.

The programmer, Lindenmeyer (Stephen Spinella) who created SID is obsessed with it/him.  He is approached by a man working in cybernetics to turn one of Lindenmeyer's sexy lady programs into a real being. Instead Lindenmeyer tricks the cybernetics guy into making SID into a cyborg. SID immediately escapes and begins killing people. His programming is that of tons of serial killers so he starts recreating some of those murders like the Tate-LaBianca murders by the Manson family. Even though Parker is still in jail, they recruit him as the only man who can track SID down, because one of SID's inspirations in the same man who killed Parker's family.

After his Manson style killing, SID goes to Media Zone, the coolest club and takes a bunch of people hostage. Parker shows up in time to chase him out of the club, but SID manages to escape again. SID has a special regeneration powers with nanobots, as long as they can get glass to take the silicon out of he can rebuild any damaged part of himself.

Parker teams up with Madison Carter (Kelly Lynch) the criminal psychologist who is also on the case to try to determine what SID will do next.  After a train incident where they think that Parker shot a lady when it was SID, they lock Parker up and tell him that the tracking device they implanted in his brain has a neurotoxin that they can release if he escapes. SID wants to play the game so he kills the drivers and give Parker the keys to free himself.

SID kidnaps Madison's 10-year-old daughter and takes over a TV station that is having a heated debate on immigration. SID just wants people to watch him. Parker cuts the phone feed and it seems like all his viewers have left, which makes SID crazy. Parker chases SID onto the roof of the television station.  During their battle, SID falls through a bunch of glass that cuts him into pieces. He starts to regenerate then Parker rips his chip out. But SID was the only one who knows where Kelly's daughter is being held, so what is Parker to do?

Jump to an alternate cut where Parker is thrown from the building and killed, but it's now the virtual world, but SID doesn't know it. SID shows Madison where her daughter is, the Madison detaches from the virtual world. Parker came back to to life in the digital world and is still battling SID, because Lindenmeyer won't let Parker out the digital world. SID almost fries Parker's brain in real life, but Lindenmeyer is killed and Parker can escape. Parker uses the tricks he learned from when his wife and daughter were killed to make sure he can get Madison's daughter out alive.

In comparing 1995 digital thrillers, this movie is way better than Johnny Mnemonic. The digital effects are pretty good, I feel they hold up mostly because they aren't trying to create realistic effects, the effects are for a digital world. Russell Crowe is a good villain and Denzel is great.  The programmer is the worst and I can't believes they didn't hold him accountable for bringing SID to life, he really had it in for Denzel for some reason. When SID feeds on glass to make his limbs grow back it's pretty cool.

Gor

Watched June 8, 2015

1987
Starring: Urbano Barberini, Rebecca Ferratti, Jack Palance

Tarl Cabot (Urbano Barerini) is a modern day physics professor who is regarded as a nerd. His friends treat him like it's high school and he's not very popular. He has a special ring, while driving home he somehow activates it and is transported to Gor, another world.

Tarl is dropped into the middle of a village that breaks out into battle. The bad guys have stolen the home stone, which is somehow related to Tarl's magic ring. Tarl is beat up during the battle over the stone and knocked unconscious. He is then dressed in a tiny loin cloth and nursed back to health by Talena (Rebecca Ferratti). Talena is a warrior princess and represents her people in trying to get their home stone back. She sees something in Tarl and brings him along. First they have to train Tarl to become a better warrior. A group of them begin a trek across the desert to find the bad guys who stole the home stone.

They have several adventures along the way and pick up some more people for their cause. Talena has to pretend to be a slave when the enter a specific village, then she is forced to fight another woman at a tavern. Luckily she wins and they all escape. 

They do get to bad guys place and after a battle get the home stone and free Talena's father, who was captured at some point. Just as Tarl is beginning to like Gor, his magic ring sends him back to his world.

Some other stuff happens but that is not what the movie is about. It's about a ton of butts in loincloths. Everyone has tiny outfits and many shots are at butt level. Also another example of English dubbing that mostly lines up with their lips but still seems off. It is an Italian production so maybe it was the case that they did speak English but they wanted more American accents. The technology of Gor is very strange, they have high heeled shoes and locks but haven't figured out wheels. If you like butts and lots of sword fights, this movie is for you.

Crossworlds

Watched March 23, 2015

1996
Starring: Josh Charles, Rutger Hauer, Andrea Roth

Joe (Josh Charles) is an art major in college who lives in a pretty nice studio apartment above a garage. After a long day, he comes home to his friends, Steve (Jack Black) and Stu (Richard McGregor) who convince him to go to a hump day party. Joe has recently broken up with his girlfriend and his friends want to help him get over her by making a party love connection. Joe notices a mysterious woman at the party but when he gets closer she disappears. He leaves the party and goes to bed. As he is sleeping, the mystery woman Laura (Andrea Roth) approached him and tries to steal his crystal pendant from around his neck. Joe wakes up before she can take the necklace. Laura quickly tries to explain her being there but they are shot at repeatedly. They manage to make it out of the apartment and get into Joe's car to flee the gunmen.

Laura brings Joe to A.T. ( Rutger Hauer) who explains that his crystal is just one part of a key to open up alternate worlds. Some bad guys want to get the necklace because they want to control the passages to the alternate worlds. They need to find the other part of the key, which is a scepter. The staff turns out to be in a museum. Laura, Joe and A.T. enter the museum and meet the curator. They manages to break open the case and steal the scepter then use it to transport away. They end up in the ocean, still in LA, but they steal a car. A.T. brings them to the desert and starts the ritual to use the crystal and staff key. They are brought to the middle gateway, which is just a red filtered desert. They are attacked there and Joe loses the connection. 

Joe wakes up in his bed, his room looks fine, there is no evidence of the gunfire from the previous night. A knock on the door from from the police and Joe is taken to jail. Joe's mom bails him out of jail, but she doesn't answer any questions about Joe's dad who is the one that found the scepter originally.  Back at his apartment, Joe is then spooked by a short guy in a suit. It seems like the guy will help him, but then he is shot and Joe manages to escape. He goes to A.T.'s but when he opens the door it's not his studio, it's a small apartment. He figures out that he has to walk a specific way to open the correct door to A.T. Once inside the small man turns out be alive and part of the bad guys. They tricked Joe into leading them there. A.T. and Joe are kidnapped. Laura was already kidnapped and Joe joins her in an attic room. 

The main bad guy questions A.T. in his office. The bad guy has the crystal now but somehow A.T. manages to get it and escapes before the dog statues turn into real dogs. A.T., Joe and Laura all escape into the elevator but it disappears I guess the bad guy can manipulate reality to some extent. 

They all make it transitional middle world where there is a big fight. The bad guy seems like a hologram, nothing can hurt him. Eventually Joe connects to his dad's force and figures out hot to use the staff to kill the bag guy. At the end they make it to Laura's world, which looks the same as Earth.

For being called Crossworlds, they don't go to another world until the very end. They use the staff's power to jump around LA. It's mostly is just a lot of running around, the power of the staff and crystal aren't explained well. My favorite characters were the extras. There are two cool surfers dudes that are at the beach for a second before the main characters steal their car. At another point they car jack another awesome dudes car. I would have much rather seen what those guys were up to while all the other action was taking place. The bad guys does turn his henchman into digital spaghetti which is pretty neat. The couple of fun things aren't worth it, it just doesn't deliver on the premise of multiple worlds.

The Glimmer Man

Watched March 2, 2015

1996
Starring: Steven Seagal, Keenan Ivory Wayans, Bob Gunton, Brian Cox

Even though this came out during the prime time of watching action movie with my dad and brother, I never caught this crazy Steven Seagal joint. I was mostly excited to watch it because of the hilarious How Did this Get Made podcast where they discuss it.

Jack Cole (Steven Seagal) is detective brought to LA to help during the investigation of a local serial killer. He is teamed up with local detective Jim Campbell (Keenan Ivory Wayans). The opening credits show us different gritty shots of LA along with headlines of the murders. The serial killer is shooting the victims, then nailing them up on the walls with a crown of barbed wire to appear as if they were crucified. Even though Jack is a police detective he has also adopted a Buddhist mentality so he uses that calm approach to the horrible crime scenes they have to investigate. The clues hint to Jack that it's not actually a real serial killer but the crime scene is meant to appear that way. The press has titled the potential murderer the Family Man killer.

Jack and Jim go to the morgue to further examine some of the victims. In the morgue, all the men are completely covered in plastic, but the women have their breasts exposed. This is before any autopsies have been performed, but it still doesn't make any sense. As they discuss one of the female victims, Jack cuts into her breast and pulls out an implant. He thinks she looks Russian, which hints at Russian mafia involvement. They run the serial number on her implant to find out who she is.

Jack is such a good detective they do track some suspects to a parking lot under a freeway. They are attacked by some Russian gangsters. It is set up that Jack isn't going to fight because of his spiritualism, but as instead he pulls a credit card out of his wallet that has a razor blade attached to it and cuts one of the gangsters throats. This begins a big fight between Jack and Jim versus the Russian gangsters. Jack and Jim beat up everybody and they are convinced they are on the right track.

Jack's ex-wife and new husband are killed in the same style of the Family Man killer. This leads the police to believe that Jack is a suspect since it was his ex-wife. Jack, being a super detective and based on some of the child-like drawings that are on the walls of the victims homes he finds the man he suspects actually did it. Jack tracks this guy to a church, where the man feels cornered and takes the priest hostage. Jack talks him into letting the priest go but ends up having to shoot him. This only confirms the police's suspicion that Jack is the killer. Jack is kicked off the case and his badge is taken away, they don't have enough evidence to formally arrest him, but he's definitely a suspect. But since he's such a super cop he know he can solve the case without a badge.

 On the other side of the this whole thing see that a businessman Frank (Bob Gunton) has been orchestrating the whole thing. He's been smuggling in weapons from Russia and is trying to sell them to terrorists. He's been using the Family Man murders to cover up the people he has to kill to keep doing business. His teenage step-son becomes aware of this and goes nuts in his classroom, but luckily Jack and Jim are there to save him.

 An assassin tries to kill Jim in his apartment, they have a big fight and the TV is kicked over. It instantly catches on fire, then the assassin also rips the stove off the wall ripping open the gas line. As they fight, the apartment continues to burn. Jim manages to get away from the killer and jumps out his second story apartment as his apartment explodes. Somehow Jim survives by landing on the soft top roof of a car.

After almost being killed, Jim knows that Jack is on the right trail. After a couple more random fights, they lure the group of gangsters to an old hotel. They have an insane gunfight, but Jack ultimately pushes the bad guy through an interior window and he stabbed by some grating.

Action wise, it's as fine movie. I haven't seen many later Seagal movies as I know that he gets doughy and can't do a lot of the cool moves anymore. He still has it for the most part here, but does seem a little out of shape. I get the impression that his long ponytail hides that his hair is very, very thin on top. I'm also assuming that Keenan Ivory Wayans was hired for some comedic effect, the classic mismatched cop pairing. There is no real comedy in the movie. There are some extended scenes with Seagal taking Wayans to a Chinese herb shop to get powdered deer penis but it's not funny. Seagal's spiritualism doesn't come into play in actually solving the crime. The plot doesn't make a ton of sense. There is a totally weird scene when the main bad guy invites Brian Cox to his house for a late night swim and they hang around the pool in their robes discussing their evil plan.

Wayans is really into Casablanca so much that he has posters as home and work, he is watching it at home and also goes to see it in theatre. Is it supposed to be funny that Wayans has a sensitive side.

If you like people crashing through windows, then this is the movie for you.

Python 2

Watched January 12, 2015

2002
Starring: William Zabka, Dana Ashbrook, Simmone Jade McKibbon

Even though Anaconda (1997) was only a relative success it spawned several sequels and enough interest to inspire the made for TV movie Python (2000).  To further capitalize on interest in giant snakes, the direct to video Python 2 was made. I can't say I'm above any of it since I bought Python 2 at a thrift store. You never know if a giant snake movie might be a hilarious gem.

A team of military men including Russian and American soldiers join together to capture a giant snake for the reward of $500 million. They track it down to a giant cave, but it's such a massive beast that it kills several of the soldier before it's stunned. Somehow they manage to get it aboard their plane in a custom built snake box. While flying back to their base they are shot down by some Russian rebels. The snake escapes its holding box killing more of the soldiers before the plane crashes.

Greg Larson (William Zabka) is next in the chain of command to capture the snake. Greg subcontracts the shipping to Dwight (Dana Ashbrook) because he has shipping business and a large truck. Dwight is an American while his wife Nadia (Simmone Jade McKibbon) is a Russian who cannot leave the country. Dwight has some slight back story about being a professional baseball player but having some sort of meltdown or fight that forced him out. She also can't leave the country and the solution is a bunch of money that they'll get from this job. Greg only tells them that he has a large cargo that he needs to driven from Russia to a port where he can ship it out. Dwight and Nadia don't know that it's a giant snake. 

Greg has a team that tracks down the snake to a military bunker. Somehow they know that the snake survived the plane crash. At first Nadia and Dwight just wait by the the truck for the cargo to arrive. Dwight is suspicious of the the situation and it confirmed when one of the soldiers comes out almost dead, they head into the bunker to find out what has happened. The snake has been found but has killed several of the Greg's men. Greg is given orders to at least capture the DNA of the snake if it's too dangerous to capture it alive. Dwight, Nadia, Greg and the remaining soldiers get trapped in the underground bunker. A snake shoots venom out of his mouth and it blinds Nadia but she is the only one who can fit through the ducts to get back to the minivan for the C4 explosives. She crawls out the bunker and brings back the C4. Little does she realize that Greg has been given orders to kill everyone. Dwight and Nadia manage to fight off Greg and snakes and make it out of the bunker before it explodes killing Greg and the snakes. Oh yeah, there were two snakes this time.

The plot is very simple, but still somehow confusing and the action scenes don't add much to the enjoyment. I mostly found it boring which sounds crazy in a movie about a giant killer snake. The CGI is very poor so the snake doesn't look remotely real. There is a very strange credit sequence. We first see the opening titles, then the movie starts with the soldier going to the cave to find the snake. Once that is over another opening title sequence that includes clips of parts of the movie that we have yet to see. It seems like they had to pad the movie to get the run time they needed. It made me think it was a TV movie with some strange commercial break placement, but IMDB says it was straight to video.

The actual locations don't make a ton of sense, I'm not totally sure it takes place in Russia or somewhere else. It seems like the snakes are impossible to kill, they are shot multiple times with no damage.

The visuals of the movie were nothing to paint a picture about so I went with a break dancing snake to tie in my favorite sequel subtitle electric boogaloo. Unfortunately the snake didn't breakdance in Python 2.

Space Truckers

Watched November 12, 2014

1996
Starring: Dennis Hopper, Debi Mazar, Stephen Dorff.

Holy moly, this movie was so much more than I expected. The image on the VHS box makes it look like a serious space action movie, but it's much funnier and brighter than I expected.

John Canyon (Dennis Hopper) is a long haul space trucker with a load of pigs that he is taking to Interpork to sell. Keller (George Wendt) as the buyer from Interpork tries to gets the pigs for less than the agreed price. John won't sell, so he keeps the cargo and heads to find another job. He takes on a very strange job, supposedly it's a lot of sex dolls but the security surrounding the shipment is very high. The shipment is headed for Earth and needs to arrive on a specific date. John's pig cargo is suddenly stolen, so he's extra motivated to take on the new job. Before leaving he heads to the diner to check in with Cindy (Debi Mazar) his waitress friend. More than friends, he wants to marry her even though they have quite an age difference. While eating his diner and explaining what happening with his Interpork sale, Mike (Stephen Dorff) introduces himself to John. Out of the window they see that John's pig cargo is being stolen. A fight breaks out in the diner over the pig cargo, a window is shot creating a space vacuum that Keller is sucked into space through. John, Cindy and Mike all head to John's rig escape. Cindy wanted to come all along because her mom is back on Earth about to have an operation.

The cops keep following the crew, so they get off the space highway to escape. They run into black rock meteors that damage the ship/truck.  While stopped the ship gets super hot so Mike and Cindy take off all their clothes and make out while John goes to fix the ship. The ship is damaged near the cargo connection and the cargo is protected by lasers so Dennis can't fix it. Luckily a giant cargo ship shows up and takes them aboard. 

The group thinks that they've been rescued but they have been kidnapped. The captain of the pirate ship is half robot with a claw hand, peg leg, half a skull and one cyborg eye. He is immediately drawn to Cindy, but wants to kill John and Mike. Cindy volunteers to have sex with the Captain so he won't kill her friends. He tries to have sex with her with his robot penis even though he has a hard time getting it started. Before he can make the moves, she pulls out some of his fluid tubes and escapes. She finds John and Mike tied up and tries to free them but the robot Captain finds all of them.  The pirates try to steal the cargo, but this activates the cargo which aren't sex dolls instead they are killer cyborgs. The cyborgs kill a bunch of the pirates and in the frenzy John, Mike and Cindy escape in the rig. 

Somehow the ship got fixed, but the cargo cyborgs are still active. John and Mike put on space suits and go take care of them.  They are close enough to Earth that they head through the atmosphere which burns up the remaining cyborg killers. They all manage to make it to Earth alive in escape pods.

It turns out the president wanted the cyborg shipment to use as his army, it turns out he just took over from the previous president only a week ago. The President tries to pay John off at the hospital where Debi's very youthful mom is waking up from her operation. Instead Mike throws the suitcase of money out the window, it lands on the president's car and blows him up. Mike and Cindy are now in love and John is totally into Cindy's mom who has been frozen for twenty years so she looks great.

The effects are great, lots of miniatures and weird CGI. Since I'm a sucker for bright colors, everyone has crazy costumes that I love. Cindy wears some crazy high waisted pants with a clear plastic jacket and it looks great. Much more fun than I expected, I'm glad I picked up this fun straight to video movie. 

I, Frankenstein

Watched October 20, 2014

2014
Starring: Aaron Eckhart, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto, Billy Nighy

What if Frankenstein's monster was just misunderstood and really had a soul after all? What if Gargoyles had something to do with it? What if Gargoyles were actually protectors that kept demons at bay? All these questions and more are presented in I, Frankenstein, but not thoroughly answered or made into a fun movie. 

When I saw the trailer for this movie I knew it was a bomb especially with its January release date, the month where movies go to die. I even wanted to make a special theater field trip, but it only lasted about a week and I missed the chance. My favorite bad movie period is the late '70s through the early '90s, probably because that's what was available to rent when I was a kid in the '90s, but I know that bad movie are made all the time so I'm always on the look out for a new one.

It begins with Frankenstein's monster explaining his existence, how he wasn't asked to be created so when he killed his creator's wife it was out of confusion. When Dr. Frankenstein tried to kill his creation, the creation outlasted him by being impervious to the cold. After that Frankenstein's monster kept a low profile and just slunk around the woods. In the mid 1800's he runs into some demons who try to kidnap him, but then he's saved by some Gargoyle warriors. The Gargoyle warriors take Frankenstein's monster to their Queen, Leonore and she explains the eternal battle between the Gargoyles and the demons. Leonore is curious why the demons would want to capture Frankenstein. She determines that he is a real being and gives him the name Adam. The Gargoyles recruit Adam to join their demons destroying cause but he decides to run away instead. He does take some demon bashing sticks with him though. 

Adam (Aaron Eckhart) keeps his loner status and wanders around for another hundred plus years killing the demons that he runs into. It is now modern day and Terra (Yvonne Strahovski) is a scientist who is working on reanimating a rat. She seems to be getting closer, but there is a long way to go. Her benefactor Naberius (Bill Nighy) is actually a demon who is very invested in reanimating corpses. The Gargoyles have been keeping an eye on him, but they have been losing a lot of their people in the ongoing battle. The Gargoyles have Dr. Frankenstein's diary that shows how to reanimated dead tissue. The demons kidnap Leonore and make a trade for the book. They are also trying to capture Adam this whole time. Luckily he meets up with Terra and he tries to convince her to stop her work. Adam uncovers as ridiculously large warehouse that is filled with an army of bodies waiting to be reanimated.

The Gargoyles do trade the book for the recovery of their Queen, which infuriates her. The demons are able to unlock the real secrets of reanimation and Terra is forced to perform them. This creates an army of Frankensteins that battle the Gargoyles. Most of the Gargoyles are killed but somehow Naberius and is army is destroyed. Adam heads off alone to keep battling the demons to save humanity.

There is not a bit of humor in this entire movie. There are so many terrible battle scenes that just get lost in blurs of CGI. No one seems to live in the city where this takes place except for the main characters, it's mostly filled with tons of giant warehouses. Which explains why it was the perfect breeding ground for the army of the undead. There are lots of sweeping shots of the CGI city, including the cathedral of the Gargoyles that has a million flying buttresses which reminding me of the terrible sweeping CGI shots in Dungeons & Dragons.

Since this movie posits that Frankenstein's monster is immortal it raised a lot of questions. Does he eat or go to the bathroom? How did he live 200+ years just being a demon hunter?

While I haven't actually seen an entire Underworld movie, the tone of this movie reminded me of that series. It turns out the one of the actors/co-writers on the third Underworld movie created the I, Frankenstein comic book and therefore make this movie possible. I can see where they would have loved to turn this into a new franchise but it's such a stretch. Werewolves and Vampires are things that people know about, multiple Frankenstein and Gargoyles that come to life is a totally unknown story is something that I'm not looking into exploring more.

Traxx

Watched October 13, 2014

1988
Starring: Shadoe Stevens, Priscilla Barnes, Willard E. Pugh

When I first read the summary on the back of the VHS box I wasn't sure what to think of this movie. It describes Traxx, a disgruntled cop turned mercenary who just does wants to make cookies. I was pleasantly surprised at how this movie takes everything to the max and injects a lot of weird humor into a strange story.

Traxx (Shadoe Stevens) is a cop who gets fed up with the criminals he's catching just ending up back on the street to commit more crimes. He starts taking jobs around the world as a mercenary where he can just kill everyone. He does this for a while but is still dissatisfied, he really wants to start a cookie bakery. He finds a little shack outside of Hadleyville, Texas to begin working on his cookie recipes. Too bad he's a terrible baker, he doesn't know how to put anything together, and he doesn't seem to know how to use an existing recipe. He is evicted from his place and starts looking for work. 

Hadleyville is in the middle of a crime wave, there is rampant prostitution, muggings and drug use is off the charts. The local sheriff has heard of Traxx and hires him to clean up the town. By clean up the town, he gets to shoot anyone he sees committing a crime. Traxx goes on his own spree of gunning down anyone who looks remotely suspicious. He meets Deeter (Willard E. Pugh) running away from some thugs. Deeter teams up with Traxx, so he can get his protection. Traxx is currently homeless since he was kicked out of his rental house so they end up camping near a lake. Traxx continues to try new cookie recipes over the camp stove, but he doesn't seem to get any better.

Traxx is doing a good job cleaning up the town, but the main crime boss Aldo Palucci (Robert Davi) doesn't like it. Aldo gathers his group of crime lords and they decide to hire the Guzik brothers, who are known for their ability to go crazy and take down any enemy, to destroy Traxx.  The Guziks come up from Mexico and the first thing they do is kidnap a whole little league team. They tie the team to their car and head downtown. Luckily, Traxx is ready to take them down in tons of explosions. After the Guziks are taken out, Aldo comes to find Traxx at his camp spot. Trax had just whipped up a batch of Chile Con Cookies, he offers one to Aldo who accepts it. Aldo heads back to his car, rips a big chili cookie fart, then lights his cigar which causes his whole car to explode.

With Aldo out of the picture, the downtown celebrates and throws a big carnival. Traxx has opened his cookie shop, Snaxx by Traxx featuring Puppy Spirals that look like dog shit. I don't know if his cookies are any better, but they townspeople are so grateful they eat them anyway.

There are so many explosions, it's out of control. There is also a great cleaning up the town dance montage. Traxx is a very odd character, it's almost a black comedy because he kills so many people. When they break up the Stud Club, which is a whorehouse not a gay bar, they find a daycare room where there is a nanny taking care of all the working prostitutes kids. It was super fun and crazy, with lots of ridiculous action. A great movie that doesn't take itself seriously which is the only way to enjoy the insanity.

Alien Intruder

Watched July 21, 2014

1993
Starring: Maxwell Caulfield, Billy Dee Williams, Tracy Scoggins.

The action kicks off right away with a laser gun fight on a space ship. Every man is for himself as there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong side. The main guy destroys the controls of the ship, then a mysterious raven haired woman appears which prompts the guy to commit suicide.

Jump to a maximum security prison, where Nick (Maxwell Caulfield) is incarcerated. Commander Skyler (Billy Dee Williams) is assembling a crew of promising inmates to be the crew on a mission to recover the ship from the first scene. He doesn't tell them this, instead he just tells them if the mission goes well they'll be rewarded with their freedom. Before they head out they all choose a virtual reality story to experience during their off time, by story I mean sexy lady.

They are headed for the mysterious sector G, Commander Skyler doesn't give them much information, he just wants them to keep the ship headed there. It doesn't matter much because they spent most of their time in their virtual reality scenarios.  Nick's fantasy involves him working out on an empty beach, once he goes to the beach house a naked lady waits for him, but he is distracted from that naked lady by a raven haired dream intruder, but she's super hot. Another member of the crew in in a Casablanca type black and white fantasy, where he is running a club, the singer of his club is the same raven haired lady, except she is in a terrible blond wig. The third crew member's VR fantasy is that he is a 1950s biker and he runs into the same lady at a gas station. The last fantasy is in the 1880s wild west, his woman is shot by the raven haired lady, she must be some sort of Alien intruder. Commander Skyler sees the woman, who he calls Ariel in his computer screen, and she is the force that is guiding him to sector G.

Pieces of their fantasies begin to appear during their waking lives. The Casablanca fantasy guy hears the song that the woman was singing as his dream club in the ship and freaks out. They make into sector G and find the ship that the first action scene took place on. I'm not sure if they're there to recover anything as they discover that everyone is dead. Ariel appears and pits all the men against each other, recreating the same scene from the beginning. But Nick is stronger than that, he doesn't want to bend to her will. After escaping in a little ship, he thinks he safe, but Ariel is there with him as the Alien Intruder.

This movie barely makes sense but it was still a lot of fun. It kicks of with a laser gun fight right away which is great. All the VR fantasy scenes are pretty silly but enjoyable. It's amazing how entertained I was without much information about why they were heading to sector G or why sector G was dangerous in the first place. I also don't know what the alien Ariel wants, is it just to kill everybody through seduction? There is plenty of T&A in this movie and it easily could have drifted into erotica territory but they keep it movie with the real laser action.

Relentless

Watched July 14, 2014

1989
Starring: Leo Rossi, Robert Loggia, Judd Nelson, Meg Foster.

New York police officer Sam Dietz (Leo Rossi) has just gotten a promotion to detective but it comes with relocating to Los Angeles. At his new station, he is partnered with old pro Bill Malloy ( Robert Loggia) and their first case is investigating a man who was murdered in his bathroom. 

At the same time Buck Taylor (Judd Nelson) just got a letter from the police department that he failed the psychological part of his application to join the force. He is obviously maladjusted so this is just the thing that pushes him over the edge. He grabs the phone book, picks a number and decides to murder that person. 

Sam jumps in to trying to figure out who killed the guy in the shower, but his partner is reigning him in a bit. Buck continues to pick random people out of the phone book to murder. He is very careful about his kills, wearing gloves and leaving minimal evidence. But he does leave a note written on the page of the phone book that he used to find his victim. 

Buck has flashbacks to his childhood, it turns out that his father was a well respected cop. It also turns out that his dad was a total nutjob who abused Buck and trained him to be a police officer from the age of 5. What was when he taught him to shoot a gun and was disappointed that his wasn't an instant marksman. He also would make Buck do obstacle courses while shooting at him, so there is no surprise that Buck turned into a serial killer.

Sam puts several people to work doing file searches to find clues to who the murder could be, all the while Buck keeps killing. It turns out that the first man who was killed came into the police station to report a death threat call, but the cops didn't do anything about it. Sam keeps putting the clues together and figures out that Buck is the main suspect, but this as Buck finds Sam's wife and kid and takes them hostage. Sam shoots Buck multiple times and that ends the serial killings.

Judd Nelson is pretty creepy as a serial killer, but this movie is just pretty standard. Meg Foster plays Sam's wife and she has the craziest see through eyes, it is destracting from her fine performance as a concerned wife. Judd Nelson also wears these pretty crazy '50s outfits that in 1989 were probably terrible but are pretty hip today. His murder outfit is super crazy though,  an all black outfit of mock turtleneck with cut off cuffs and waistband and high waisted jeans.