Wednesday, March 12, 2014

My Best Friend is a Vampire

Watched March 2, 2014

Starring: Robert Sean Leonard, Cheryl Pollack, Evan Mirand, Rene Auberjonois, David Warner, Paul Willson

Jeremy (Robert Sean Leonard) is your average horny teenage dude. He has two crushes, blond cheerleader Candy (LeeAnne Locken) and brainy band member Darla (Cheryl Pollack.) He has sex dreams about both of them. He works as a grocery delivery boy and one of his new clients is a sexy older woman who aggressively hits on him. He wimps out while he's on the job but heads over to her house later that night at the prodding of his best friend Ralph (Evan Mirand). Pretty quickly Jeremy is in the woman's bed and things are getting intense, she bites him but they're suddenly interrupted by Professor McCarthy (David Warner) and Grimdyke (Paul Willson). They attack the woman, while Jeremy runs out clad in nothing but a sheet. Ralph and Jeremy drive off as the woman's house bursts into flames.

It turns out that the woman was a vampire and now Jeremy is infected, but he doesn't know that. He feels kinda strange but he still can go out in the sunlight. Prof. McCarthy and his lackey Grimdyke are vampire hunters and they felt it was their job to kill the lady vampire. They saw Jeremy and Ralph escape so they have someone new to track down and destroy. They think that Ralph is the new vampire so they begin following him.

Jeremy has his own stalker, a strange man who pops up randomly. Jeremy doesn't know what exactly is happening to him. He has lost his appetite but it strongly attracted to raw meat but can't bring himself to eat it. Jeremy finds some courage to finally ask out Darla. They go on a pizza date but he unknowingly orders garlic on their pie and Jeremy can't eat it. It's their first date but things go well so they end up at make out point. The only problem is that while kissing Jeremy discovers his fangs. He freaks out, kicks Darla out of the car and drives off. He has no clue what is happening to himself.

The strange man finally introduces himself to Jeremy as Modoc (Rene Auberjonois) a living vampire. He gives Jeremy, who he explains is also a living vampire, a handbook on how to be a vampire. It takes a bit but Jeremy gets into it and stocks his mini-fridge with pig's blood in beer cans. Jeremy even feels like he can make up the terrible date with Darla.

Lots of goofy hijinks ensue as Ralph tries to get away from Prof. McCarthy. In the end, Jeremy lures them into a graveyard where a bunch of vampire babes seduce him. The original lady vampire shows up again, I guess she wasn't killed after all. Being a teenage living vampire isn't so bad after all.

This movie is great, a nice teen horror/comedy. I had seen it before but I was recently gifted a VHS copy and I'm happy to have it in my collection. For some reason I though Twilight was the only movie to make vampires that can go out in the sunlight, but this movie uses that same conceit but actually explains it somewhat logically and makes it fun. No stupid sparkles here. Darla wears some of the strangest outfits I've seen in awhile, it seems like her whole goal is to look like a giant sack. She just piles layers and layers on then tops it off with giant hats.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

The Horrible Dr. Bones

Watched February 21, 2014

Starring: Darrow Igus, Larry Bates, Sarah Scott Davis, Danny Wooten

We are introduced to Dr. Bones (Darrow Igus) a record producer, when his assistant brings a singer to audition for him. When Dr. Bones plays his intended backing track, the guy's head explodes. Dr. Bones discovers that to fulfill his intended plan he need to find a really great live group. He holds open auditions where he meets Urban Protectors, a hot R&B band with a really sexy lead singer Lisa (Sarah Scott Davis). Urban Protectors have their own sound guy, Jamal (Larry Bates) who Dr. Bones and his assistant instantly dislike. Dr. Bones loves the Urban Protectors unique sound so he signs them right away. Jamal is a little wary but still supportive of his group. 

Dr. Bones wants the Urban Protectors to play a live show to show off their talents, or so they think. It turns out that Dr. Bones has a crazy spell that he wants to cast to take over the world. He can hide the spell in music but when he tried recorded sound that guy's head exploded. They play the show and the spell works, it gives Dr. Bones control over everyone. Jamal knows something is up so he heads to the basement where he finds Dr. Bones working his spell. He also finds a aquarium that is empty except for a bunch of hearts on stands. Jamal grabs one of the hearts, squeezing it and he watches one of Dr. Bones minions fall down dead. Jamal manages to shake the band out of their stupor and convince them Dr. Bones is bad news. All the hearts are destroyed and Dr. Bones is pushed into a power convertor and destroyed...or so we think!

The effects are pretty terrible, there are a lot of rubber 3D hearts being tossed around. It's a short movie at about 73 minutes but it feels much longer which isn't a good sign.
This is a Full Moon production, so I knew I was in for some direct to video, low budget storytelling. Before the movie even began we got to see a trailer for Ragdoll, an advertisement for the Ragdoll doll,  and an for the soundtrack to Ragdoll. Then we got to see an ad for the soundtrack to The Horrible Dr. Bones, all before the movie started. I don't want any of those products but it did make me check out the Full Moon site and you can subscribe to their streaming service and watch all their terrible movies, I'm genuinely tempted.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

The Fear

Watched February 16, 2014

Starring: Eddie Bowz, Darin Heames, Leland Hayward, Anna Karin, Monique Mannen, Heather Medway, Antonio Todd, Erick Weiss.

Richard (Eddie Bowes) is a grad student who proposes an interesting experiment to his professor. He plans to takes several people, mostly couples, to his uncle's cabin for a weekend of fear therapy. He wants to discover the fears of each person and help them work through them, including his own.

All the couples pile into a van and head into the woods. Once they get to the cabin they start poking around. They quickly discover a life size carved wood mannequin. Richard laughs it off, even though it's a strange thing to discover. Everyone has fun posing the mannequin and they even put him in their therapy circle. Each person goes around and begins talking about their fears. Leslie (Ann Turkel) fears aging, while her younger brother Troy (Darin Heames) seems to just be constantly rejected by women, but that's not a fear. Mindy (Monique Mannen) has a fear of heights or flying, I can't remember. Richard himself has several fears and they manifest in the cabin because as a child he witnessed a terrible tragedy that he has been trying to forget ever since.

Richard's uncle who runs a Santa's Village park nearby shows up with his much younger wife Tanya. It turns out that they need to use the cabin. Richard is a little hesitant because of his experiment but he decides to include them. Tanya has a fear of water so they try to get her into the hot tub, but she has a super freak out. The group takes an outing to the Santa's village where it suddenly turns from day to night and one of the female patients is attacked and raped.

The mannequin, Morty has come to life and uses fear power from the people to exact revenge on these people. Richard continues to have flashbacks and he slowly discovers the truth about his fears. It turns out that he witnessed his mother having sex with his uncle and he told his dad. The dad shot and killed the mom but blamed it on Richard. Richard's dad and uncle buried the mom while wearing these weird wooden masks that reminded me of the goblin masks from Troll 2. I guess the mannequin was actually trying to protect Richard, I'm not sure. It has haunted Richard ever since. At the end of the movie Richard drops out of his program, so it's got a great message about higher education.

I obviously didn't remember a lot of the details so this movie didn't resonate with me much. It's a strange concept but at least it has some interesting and weird characters who react so oddly to their surroundings that it's not the worst. There is a lot more rape and attempted rape than I usually like in a movie, so that brought it down in my book too. There is a Chinatown inspired twist as well, but that was pretty gross.

Richard wears some super terrible turtleneck sweaters and Tanya has this insane jogging outfit but it was just the early '90s fashion trends in play. The rap soundtrack is really played up on the back of the VHS box, but it did nothing for me, if anything it didn't seem to fit with the movie about a bunch of old college students trying to get therapy.