Highway To Hell

Watched August 4, 2025 

 

1991

Starring: Chad Lowe, Kristy Swanson, Patrick Bergin

Director: Ate de Jong

 

Charlie (Chad Lowe) and Rachel (Kristy Swanson) are in a beat up pinto driving off to Vegas to elope.  They didn't tell anyone except Rachel did leave her mom a note so she wouldn't worry. They are worried about getting in trouble so they get off the freeway onto a smaller frontage road. They get gas at an antique gas station called Sam's Last Chance. Sam (Richard Farnsworth) warns them to not stop between the two joshua trees.  As they drive Charlie falls asleep and they almost crash spinning around by a billboard. An officer stops them but it's Hellcop! He has awesome "hand" cuffs that are real hands. Hellcop grabs Rachel out of the car and handcuffs her in the back of his crazy souped up cop car, they disappear. Chad goes back to the gas station where Sam explains that his long lost wife was taken to hell on that road. Sam also has a bunch of clippings of other women taken. Sam gives Charlie his 1930's car and says it's got something special and shows him how to divert onto the mystical road to hell.

 

Hell is the desert, very sunny and bright. Charlie runs into a motorcycle/scooter gang. They threaten Charlie but don't actually do anything. Rachel and Hellcop stop at Cop Diner. Ben Stiller is outside grilling meat on the sidewalk as the short order cook.  Ann Meara is the waitress who won't stop talking. Jerry Stiller is a cop just trying to get a cup of coffee. All the cops are various stages of zombies. Rachel gets the handcuffs off by pouring boiling coffee on them and runs out. She gets trapped by the moto gang who give her to Hellcop. They're heading the Satan I guess.

 

Lita Ford is a hitchhiker who tries to get a ride with Charlie, but a crazy guy jumps on his car instead. 

In a chase with Hellcop, Charlie's car is super damaged. He uses a random phone to call for help but in the meantime a tow truck shows up. Mr. Ben is the dog that is along for the whole movie.  Beezle (Patrick Bergin) is the tow truck driver/fix it guy and he has a 6 year old kid Adam (Jarrett Lennon). The car is fixed but Adam stows away on the side rail so Charlie doesn't see. There is a group of fix it road workers with Andy Warhol wigs. They are taking people with good intentions to pave the road to hell. 

 

They go to a gambling hall called Hoffa's. Gilbert Gottfried is Hitler. Sexy dancers and folks dressed from the all different eras. Hellcop and Rachel are there but Hellcop shoots Charlie. Beezl shows up and uses Adam to heal Charlie.

 

The next part is a shortcut. Charlie drives to a cave where Hellcop is parked. All this time Charlie recognized Clara, a woman with the motorcycle gang, as Sam's lost wife. She warns Charlie that this shortcut is a test, and she failed it. 

 

In the eroded sand cave a door appears, Rachel is there dressed in black tied to a bed. Charlie and Rachel kiss, she wants to have sex so that Satan doesn't want her anymore. Charlie had grabbed her bracelet that fell when she was arrested and gives it back to her but she doesn't really care. Hellcop is there and fights Charlie, but Charlie manages to shoot Hellocop with his Hellgun. Even though Charlie is bleeding from the mouth Rachel still wants to make out and have sex but Charlie sees her in the  mirror and she's a crazy demon! Awesome effect. Charlie manages to fight the demon and escape but it was all a trick and he's back on the same road.

 

Now there is a parade on VW beetles chasing Charlie but he gets past them and makes it to Satan City. Joke bumper sticker "Pontius is my copilot." Charlie he has to cross the river Styx and Chiron doesn't want him in since he's not dead. Charlie manages to get in, finds the real Rachel who was also tempted by becoming a super great violinist instead of a mom running a pizza place? Satan tries to makes some deal, but they had learned that Adam isn't dead either. His parent's were killed and Beezle took him. Charlie and Rachel want to take Adam back to Earth with them. They have to outrace Hellcop to try to make it out of Hell. The moto gang is chasing them too and lead guy has a sword, but Clara helps them crash so they don't get Charlie and Rachel. The vibe is Clara is now free in death. Clara tells them to shoot Hellcop in the eyes. The car does have some turbo booster they find at the last minute and make it out of Hell.

 

They get arrested by the real cop but then Hellcop makes it through too and fights them but Rachel shoots him in the face. They drive away.

 

End text crawl!

Adam goes to the live with his aunt and uncle in Cleveland. Charlie and Rachel get married and have a pizza shop and she plays violin. Adam writes letters to the dog. Some other stuff.

Great! Practical effects, horror comedy, jokes that worked for me. Cool hell setting. Chad screen kisses really weird. Picked on a whim based on the bad Photoshop image showing up on Plex. I'd never heard of this movie before. The tone is strange so I can understand why it doesn't have a long legacy.

The Boyfriend School AKA Don't Tell Her It's Me

Watched August 1, 2025

 

1990

Starring: Steve Guttenberg, Jamie Gertz, Shelley Long

Director: Malcolm Mowbray 

 

In South Carolina, Gus (Steve Guttenberg) is a cartoonist recovering from Hodgkin's Lymphoma. According to the movie, he is 'fat', he has lost all his hair; eyebrows and all. Lizzie (Shelley Long), his sister is a romance novelist with a three-year-old daughter, Annabelle nicknamed piglet and a weird husband. Lizzie doesn't want Gus to be single anymore so she starts a plan to set him up now that he's in recovery.

Jamie Gertz is a journalist with an old junker car. She works with Trout (Kyle MacLachlan) at The Grackle newspaper. They were dating but are an on/off seeing other people. At the beginning of the movie she goes on a bad date where the guy doesn't remember her name: Emily.

 It turns out that Emily is sent to do a feature at the romance convention in town. She interviews Lizzie but Lizzie is actually interviewing her for Gus. Lizzie invites Emily and Gus over for dinner. Lizzie and her husband are really into Asian culture- but due to the time its played as a joke. Chinese food is weird and gross, I guess. Gus hasn't regrown his hair, is wearing a bad wig and still looks sick. Emily and Gus don't hit it off, the dinner is weird. The husband serves jellyfish salad and Emily throws up. That's after Annabelle tossed an oil covered bolt on Emily, staining her dress. Lizzie always explains to Annabelle in adult language what would happen to her body when she does something dangerous. But Gus saw Emily in her old timey slip and it's not very scandalous.

Gus tries to call Emily to make a date but she's not interested. Trout gets back together with her sort of.

Lizzie decides she can give Emily the fantasy she desires in Gus so it's makeover time. Gus's hair grows back and he starts working out, jogging while Lizzie rides a scooter beside him.

Once he's got the bod, Gus gets a cool mullet plus Lizzie says he's got to get a new persona. Now he's Lobo Murunga from New Zealand.

At a gas station at night, Emily is pumping gas into her junker when Lobo pulls up on his motorcycle, causing her to overflow the gas. At the counter, she only has $2 but accidentally pumped $20 of gas.She doesn't have a way to pay, but it turns out the counter guy is a robber and the actual shopkeeper is on the floor. Lobo comes in, he wants to be cool but also figures out the robbery. He wants to chicken out but then hits the robber with the coffee pot. Lobo tries to leave but Emily is in love and makes him come home with her. He pretends to pass out but she kisses him. In the morning, he leaves but Costanza's her with his Maori amulet necklace. But his motorcycle is back at the gas station.

Lizzie goes to the gas station to give Lobo back his necklace. Lobo shows up and takes her for a motorcycle ride to a random spot where they dance in a house/event space. Lobo drops her back off at her apartment.

Gus doesn't want to do it anymore but the necklace still hasn't been returned. He gets it from her apartment but then Lizzie makes up an errand to return the books that Lizzie lent her.

Gus's cover is almost blown at Lizzie's house but luckily his niece Piglet doesn't talk much The husband tries to play along too.

Emily does break it off with Trout but he was also seeing another woman from their office ( Madchen Amick) from their office. It  seems like a cut plotline, because it doesn't really matter that Trout is seeing someone else. I guess it's showing he's not a great guy.  Lobo is at her apartment and they make love once she formally ends it with Trout.

The next day Lobo pops out his blue contacts and says he's Gus, Emily rightfully kicks him out. Emily goes to Lizzie to blame her for the plot but Lizzie keeps playing the game she set up saying that everyone is mad at her but Gus is moving to NY. Even though Emily feels betrayed, she's still into Gus/Lobo. Her car barely starts and she makes it over to Gus's waterfront shack, but he's gone. Her car won't start now so she gets on his motorcycle and makes it to the airport. He's in line and they both are both into trying to be together, now that the truth is out. He's not moving to NY, he's just going to a wedding in Tallahassee so she comes too. Lizzie is watching them the whole time and Annabelle is in the car and says a new word.

It's a pretty crazy set up, overall it's fine but the trickster plot is pretty bad. It's a hard concept to just lie to someone about who you are and then have them still want to be with you. Great outfits. Kyle MacLachlan is a good creep and it fun to have two Twin Peaks actors together.

Body Puzzle

 

Watched November 17, 2024

 

1992

Starring: Joanna Pacula, Tomas Arana, François Montegut

Director: Lamberto Bava

This synopsis is more condensed and scattered as this was watched during a weekend movie marathon with a good friend and my notes are lacking.

 

Begins with a blond guy "playing" piano and listening to music but also has headphones on and he is remembering a motorcycle accident. He was chasing his lover(?) who was on a motorcycle in the rain, he was in a car yelling "you're going too fast!" Then the motorcycle rider slips, crashes and dies. It's shot really manically like no one is doing the right thing. Blond guy is also going too fast as he yells as the motorcyclist.

 

A bakery owner is stabbed and his ear is cut off. The ear shows up in the fridge of Tracy (Joanna Pacula). She goes to visit her dead husband's grave and it's been robbed. The detective alerts her to this, so she goes to stay at her parent's country house.

 

 Next kill: hand cut off by trapping and tying up a women in the bathroom. and kidney or liver

Tracy has a big Beethoven St. Bernard dog. 

 

The killer then tries to kills a pregnant lady in the hospital- is she in labor or just having a check up? 

The detectives are starting to connect the murders. Tim is trying to put Abe back together from the parts he donated when he died. Detective and Tracy have a thing. Jr. Detective is my movie bf. 

 

Makes sense, suspenseful, good twist. Great setting. English language filmed in Italy. Crazy kill of a teacher of the blind students while they sing but can't see what's happening. Best kill: swimming with a knife to kill a lifeguard then cutting off his dick!

 

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Watched November 17, 2024

1992

Starring: Charles Solomon Jr., Julie Strain

Director: James Merendino

I've seen Witchcraft III and I wrote in 2012 that I wouldn't watch anymore of these, but I guess I forgot 12 years later and gave Witchcraft IV a chance. But I continue to regret my decisions, I just want some  real witch and warlock movies please. 

A couple is driving into the dark woods. They pass a random phone booth. They park and make out but Nora (Diane Fowler) doesn't want to make out. Nora walks away from the Pete (Orien Richman) but he hits his head. She comes back but now he's passed out. She drives to the phone booth but dials a wrong number. A guy shows up and puts Nora in his trunk. Pete is arrested for his girlfriend's disappearance. Nora is taken to a mysterious location and her heart is ripped out in a ritual.

 

Will (Charles Solomon Jr.) is a lawyer, he gets a call from Pete's sister to help her brother. Will is a reluctant warlock. He meets the stripper Belladonna (Julie Strain) while trying to find out what happened to Nora to clear Pete's name. Belladonna is under the control of Santera (Clive Pearson) who rapes her! Will is hiding and doesn't use his power to help Belladonna. Will keeps checking in with the sister, they go on a date but she freaks out when he tries to kiss her. Instead he goes and has elevator sex with Belladonna. The sister had the parents killed. Detective noir vibes but....

How much should you explain your previous concepts in a sequel? This movie doesn't explain anything. And the witchcraft element is practically non-existent. I guess it's the same actor but these series don't seem to be ones that people really follow while they are coming out. The main appeal seems to be horror adjacent female nudity, which is fine but not enough to hold the story together. 

Sketch Artist

 Watched November 17, 2024

 

1992

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Sean Young, Drew Barrymore, Tchéky Karyo

Director: Phedon Papamichael 

 

Starts with a couple having a sex in a 90s modern office. She leaves, she's an escort, he relaxes on the couch. Then he is murdered!

 

Jack Witfield (Jeff Fahey) works for the police as a sketch artist, but he is not a detective. He is married to successful architect Rayanne (Sean Young). He drinks and smokes a lot. He's at home when she gets come home in a cab from a business trip. His car is broken down. They have a modest craftsman bungalow and seem to be on hard times even though she's very successful.

Daisy (Drew Barrymore) is a messenger who goes to the office to find the first dude dead- we saw him shot by someone and Drew is the only eye witness to who left the office. The police arrive and question Daisy about what she saw. In comes Jack as the very famous sketch artist to get a visual based on her description. They go back to the police station where Jack sketches as they both smoke and Daisy describes the person. Jack ends up sketching his wife!? NO, it couldn't be, so he quickly changes the sketch. Because the Sergeant is really waiting on that sketch!!!

 

Daisy turns up dead. 

Jack is having issues with his marriage to Rayanne. It turns out that Rayanne worked on the Silver Fashion building as an architect and that's where the murder took place!

 

Jack comes home to several of Rayanne's friends hanging out, it's an after work party. Rayanne is changing in her room, Jack's not into the party. Rayanne wears a tight sweater with no bra and then puts on tights leggings! It's not enough clothes!

Jack steals clues from the crime scene. The police bring in a person who looks like the fake sketch that Jack made. She's a freelance photographer that has worked for Silver Fashion Studios and she happened to ask Jack for a light when he arrived a the murder crime scene. Jack steals the photographer's open convertible, because he still doesn't have a working car. Jack follows the other head of Silver Fashion Studios, Paul (Tchéky Karyo) to his house and takes photos of him having weird poolside sex with the wife of the murdered guy.

Jack meets the Paul at the factory but then calls Rayanne asking her to bring his gun because he didn't have it with him. At the Silver Fashion factory, it's empty and Paul shows up and plans to kill Jack. But Rayanne is sneaking up behind Paul, so Jack thinks he's in the clear. Turns out Rayanne is the person Daisy saw leaving that night and described to Jack but he just couldn't believe it. Rayanne is having an affair with Paul BUT before they can shoot Jack he shares his photos of Paul having sex with other lady and Rayanne thought she was the only one so she shoots Paul.

Interesting genre of made for cable R rated movie. Funny premise that the sketch artist is super crucial to solving crimes. Jack takes off his shirt a lot. Jack and Rayanne seem like a real mismatch, so it's not a suprise it all goes bad.

Battlefield Earth

 

Watched January 17, 2025

2000

Starring: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, Sabine Karsenti

Director: Roger Christian

 

I read the book! I found it at a little free library. After starting the book, I found the VHS at a thrift store so it was all coming together. I had listened to several bad movie podcasts about the movie so I knew it wasn't good. The paperback is 1066 pages long, so it took me awhile to get though it, and I didn't want to watch the movie until I finished the book.

 

After starting the book, I knew the movie would be a challenge because it's a lot of internal thoughts of Terl and Jonnie, letting the reader know what their plans are and that is hard to show in a movie...let alone many of the other problems the movie has.

 

The movie is so many dutch angles! Text crawl about alien Psychlos taking over planet Earth. Jonnie (Barry Pepper) lives in a cave man looking village. He's off hunting when his dad dies. Chrissy (Sabine Karsenti), his gal pal tells him and immediately wants to take his horse and see if there is more outside their village. The elder warms of the monsters, but Jonnie heads out anyway. On his journey, he finds some other human tribes, they make it to the ruins of a city. Some Psychlos capture them after running through several panes of glass and more dutch angles. Jonnie is taken to the cages where they keep all the humans. ( In the book he is the only human captured at first.)

 

Terl (John Travolta) is the head of the Psychlo security on this planet. He hates it and hopes to leave soon. The Pyschlos don't breath Earth's atmosphere so their city/working area has a glass dome over the whole thing. Terl want to get gold and leave back to Planet Psychlo. He finds a gold vein but it's near uranium which would explode the Psychlo breath gas. He want to get humans to mine it for him. Terl grabs Jonnie after he tries to escape with two other guys. He throws him in the learning machine from the Chinklo people and Jonnie learns the Pscyhlo language and math, etc.

 

Terl then teaches Jonnie to fly Psychlo planes. Terl sets up Ker (Forest Whittaker) to take the blame for training humans. But Terl also get leverage on his superior because he's been lying about the Earth mine not being profitable. Explained better in the book, duh. This leader signs paperwork that is blank so Terl can acquisition the mining materials he needs to steal the gold he wants for himself without letting the company know about it.

 

The humans are dropped off at the mine but Jonnie discovers Ft. Knox on a map so they go get that gold and go train at an old air force base. Chrissie is captured somehow so that's why Jonnie does whatever Terl wants. She has a bomb collar put on her, Jonnie gets the captured folks to work together.

 

The group of humans uses the learning machine to show Ker the footage that Tern is trying to use as leverage to blame Ker if the 'home office' finds out.

 

Terl gets the gold and plans to transport it to his planet with their special transport thing. But the humans escape then one of them joins the shipment with a nuclear bomb. They blow the glass dome but we don't see the Pyschlos asphyxiate, instead Jonnie and Terl fight. Jonnnie puts the bomb collar on Terl's arm and it explodes. They blow up the Psychlo planet and they win.

 

It ends with the humans putting Terl in a prison made of his gold.

 

Some practical effects. The Psychlos  don't look as they are dexcribed in the book, they are supposed to be nine feet tall, hairy with eyelid and mouth bones. Instead it's John Travolta in huge boots and weird claw gloves. Chrissie is about the same poorly written character as the book. Barry Pepper tries his best as Jonnie. Obviously the book is a lot more involved with the interactions but it also has a huge debt/diplomacy ending about negotiating information about the Pyschlos war profiteering wiht all the aliens in the galaxy. The movie is bad, but nothing like I imagined it. It looks like they had a signaficantly lower budget than they expected so a lot of special effects don't cut it and it just seem slike missing footage in other areas.

 

The story could be a mini series now. It's weird Scientology doesn't make more movies based on all L. Ron Hubbard's sci-fi novels because they own it it, right? But this was such a bomb I guess they don't want to go down that route again.

Twin Sitters

 

Watched June 7, 2024

 

1994

Starring: David Paul, Peter Paul, Christian Cousins, Joseph Cousins

Director: John Paragon

 

I stumbled upon the Barbarian Brothers on IMBD looking at some other production. Their movies looked familiar but I didn't think I had actually seen any of them. We watched trailers for Double Trouble and Twin Sitters. Definitely capitalized on Arnold Schwarzenegger's success and bodybuilder/wrestler appeal in the 1980s. All the trailers seemed the same, it's a comedy with action and stunts and breaking though glass tables and going through doors and windows. So we picked Twin Sitters!

 

Peter (Peter Paul) and David (David Paul) work at an Italian restaurant as servers. Paul Bartel is a customer there with his wife. The cook is making gross food but people are eating it. The brother's trip, drop food, don't pick it up an order and they fight in the restaurant then are chased out by the cook with a decorative ax.

 

Dinner at home with mom and dad. The parents are supportive, one of the brothers is a good cook (not Traxx style) and they suggest they should open their own restaurant! Peter and Paul go to the bank the next day to try to get a loan, but they don't have any assets. They bring a bunch of food dishes they made and force feed the loan officer. They are kicked out of the bank!

 

Meanwhile Mr. Hillhurst (Jared Martin) has been using his trucking empire to dump toxic waste from Leland Stromm (George Lazenby) and making lots of money but is ready to quit. Mr. Stromm threatens Mr. Hillhurst's nephews as he is the guardian of them after their parents died.

 

After not getting the loan, the brothers go to the park. Mr. Hillhurst is there taking to government officials about exposing the bad guys. Then three of the bad guys good start shooting at Mr. Hillhurst right by a playground. David and Peter get playground kids to safety and by saving a real baby from getting run over, they're in the newspaper. They go to their gym, where Mr. Hillhurst's butler Thomas tells them he has a job opportunity for them. Mr. Hillhurst had to go testify and wants the David and Peter to watch his twin nephews, Bradley(Christian Cousins) the evil one and Steven (Joseph Cousins.)

 

The twins drive over to their house in their monster truck. Mr. Hillhurst offers them $5K/day for a week to watch and protect the boys. They agree.

 

Bradley and Steven are little troublemakers at first. There is a horny maid and a weird gardener and a sassy Black cook also at the house. But the cooking brother shares a recipe with the cook and they really get along.The boys say they only eat PB and bologna? At the first dinner, Brad dumps the food on the floor and glues one of the Brothers to his chair. The butler, Thomas is working for the bad guys and tells them which hotel Mr. Hillhurst be in, so the bad guys hires an assassin. 

 

Tuesday, the nephews try to electrocute the brothers in the pool but it doesn't work. The nephews continues to not try the food. The boys private tutor, Judy (Rena Sofer) comes and the brothers sit in on the class. The nephews try to run away and steal a car but the brothers are in the back seat. This breaks down the kids hesitance and the boys try the food and get fashion makeovers from David and Peter!

 

 David and Peter together go on a date with the tutor, but they bring the boys in their monster truck bypassing the security around the house by running over a car. 

The sniper can't take out Mr. Hillhurst at his hotel, so the new plan is the kidnap the nephews and hold them ransom until Mr. Hillhurst does what they want. Back at the house, poolside, one kid goes inside and is grabbed, fights back and the second kid goes in the gets grabbed. Brothers come in and everyone is fighting including the cook. The maid and the gardener are making out when a fight crashes through a glass door onto them. The boys are taken away by helicopter, with the Brother holding on until they have to let go and splashdown in the pool. Thomas tries to leave with the bribe money but the brothers call him out and get him to tell them where the boys are being held.

The boys are on a big ship. The brother calls on all their twin friends to help with the rescue, two Black guy fighters, two Asian fighters (gong sound bummer) and more. They get Brad and Steven back but the ship is rigged to blow up, they all jump in the water to escape the explosion.

The kids are safe and Mr. Hillhurst is no longer being extorted to continue working for Mr. Stamm. The Brother open their restaurant and all their twin friends come and eat. Mr. Hillhurst couldn't pay the brothers but are able to open the restaurant using their butter money?

 

It is a great movie, no, but there is a lot of fun stuff like monster trucks, double date with kids and a lady. Oh boy, the outfits! One million stars! Such a special mix of grunge, early 90s streetwear and wrestling/weightlifting fashion!

The Omega Code

Watched August 23, 2024

 

1999

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Catherine Oxenberg, Michael Ironside, Michael York
Director: Robert Marcarelli

I had seen this one before but I kept the VHS, so I assumed that was for a reason. I usually get rid of the movies I don't have an interest in watching again. I recently picked up Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, so I forced everybody to watch the first one in preparation of the sequel.

Dominic (Michael Ironside) is disguised as a Hasidic Jew in Israel when he sneaks up on a man who has been deciphering the Omega code from the Torah. The man tears out the last line of the code and puts in his pocket but then Dominic shoots him and steasl his computer files.

 

Gillen Lane (Casper Van Dien) is a motivational speaker/mythology expert. He goes on Cassandra Barashe's (Catherine Oxenberg) talk show to share his new book. He does mention the torah code and that is predicted Princess Di's death. He's very enthusiastic and the audience loves him.

 

In Italy, Stone Alexander (Michael York) gets a humanitarian award. Gillen and Cassandra are there too. There is a horse that makes Gillen have a spooky vision. Gillen wants to connect with Stone about something. Meanwhile in a tech basement, a guy with a Russian accent is using the Omega code to spit out prophesies.

 

Gillen goes back to his estranged wife Jennifer (Devon Odessa, Angela's old friend on My So-Called Life) and their daughter. They are only having problems because his job takes him away. They both appear to want to reconcile. He takes a teaching job locally.

 

Stone gets the prophecies and bombs the Dome of the Rock to make the prophesy come true. Israel and Palestine rebuild together and there is three years of peace. Gillen breaks his promise and doesn't stick around with his family, instead he joins Stone and Dominic on their 'peace' mission. Stone needs Gillen as part of the prophecy.

 

From the beginning, there are two angel protectors who look like men who have been sent by Job to make sure the prophecies don't come true. 

 

Stone is shot by Dominic when he feels betrayed by not being made the prophet. Stone magically recovers at the hospital revealing he is not human.

 

Here's what I got out of it: Stone is the demon/devil and figures out the prophesies then makes them happen. Gillen is the neutral good but is needed by Stone to make it all happen. Cassandra seems good at first but then betrays Gillen. Dominic is bad all along then pissed when he isn't chosen as the prophet. Stone wants Gillen as the chosen prophet instead. God stops Stone with a blinding blast of light.

 

I guess if you're really religious and know the bible, it's like the bible brought to life in a thrilling way! Except it's not thrilling, there is no suspense. The mystery to me was more "what the hell is going on?" instead of "what will happen next?" There are some cool practical effects car chases and crashes. I loved the visualization of the code on the 90s computers. Stone does manage a peace treaty between Israel and Palestine, unfortunately a real life thing that doesn't seem to have a nonviolent solution. Gillen's monochromatic suits are cool, the acting is fine. There is minimal horrible CGI with some around the world explosions. I appreciate a lot of things filmed on location. 

 

These "star" studded Christian movies are very weird.I don't know why I kept the VHS. I also have Left Behind. I do have some interest in the Christian apocalypse even if it's real preachy and not enough people die.

Strays

 

Watched October 13, 2023

1991

Starring: Timothy Busfield, Claudia Christian, Kathleen Quinlan

Director: John McPherson

(Written by Shaun Cassidy, what?!)

An old woman lives in a old Victorian house in the woods with a bunch of cats. She looks in the fridge, no cat food there and the cats are hungry. She has to go to the cellar for more canned cat food. Tons of cats follow her, she reaches for a can of food and the cats attack her.

Driving down a country road, Paul (Timothy Busfield), Lindsey (Kathleen Quinlan) and Daughter Tessa (Heather and Jessica Lilly) are going to check out a new home. It happens to be listed by Claire (Claudia Christian), Lindsey's sister. The family talks about moving to this tiny country town of Garth. It's 1 1/2 hours from the city, which city who knows but that's where Paul works as a lawyer. But they need to move for their young kid, the city's no place to for kids. Paul's not super into the house since it's old and will need some work but Lindsey really likes it so they buy it.

 

They move in. Paul is a lawyer and Lindsey is a writer but her last book hasn't earned out so they are a little stressed about making it work. Claire is going through a divorce and has hired Paul to represent her. The family has a dog, Paul is very allergic to cats. The phone man comes to connect their service, the box is in the cellar but it's all chewed up by rats (or cats?). He says he has to come back but in the meantime he left a direct connection phone hook up in the cellar. They do have a cell phone, but it gets spotty service. 

 

The family is driving back from the town with fix it supplies, a cat jumps on their hood and Paul drives the car into a ditch. They see the cat saunter off, is it all a plan?

 

Claire comes to visit their new home and kisses Paul on the mouth too long, making Lindsey mad. Lindsey, Claire and Tessa go to lunch together. Claire talks about flirting with an old friend and Lindsey says she should just be alone for a bit.

The phone guy comes back in his red truck. Paul is at work and Lindsey is putting mousetraps in the attic so she doesn't hear him. Phone guy is attacked by a mean gray cat, he falls on some shelves and dies. Then a cool tow truck driver shows up, knocks on the door, doesn't get a response so he tows the phone guys truck- evidence destroyed.

 

Their car is still in the ditch. That night their dog is attacked. The vet does a house call and chides them for being irresponsible pet owners. Then the vet pulls a gun, a squirt gun! but it looks real and he says to use it on the cats, as cats hate being sprayed by water.

Lindsey finds a white Persian cat in the attic with one gray baby kitten. Lindsay and Tessa want to keep it even though the Paul is allergic. 

 

Lindsay is painting the ceiling when she pokes a hole through it. Lindsay puts Tessa down for a nap, but hears weird stuff and finds the crib covered in cats! Luckily the daughter had moved to the closet but the gray cat is aggressively trying to get into the closet. Lindsay and Tessa get to the mom's bedroom but the cats are breaking through the door,  Lindsay blocks it but now big gray cat is coming through the wall vent. Lindsay blocks that with two pillows. With the cell phone, Lindsay calls Paul's office but the reception is bad. Paul freaks out, cancels his court date, borrows his secretary's car and heads to the house. Claire was getting ready for the court date and gets a message about the cancellation and that Paul has a family issue. A big storm starts and Claire drives over to the house too.

 

Lindsay gets a pitcher of water from the tub but she had to break the knob to get it to work so the tub starts to fill up with water. Lindsay manages to call the police from the cellar phone connection. Linsay and Tessa leave the house and hide in the playhouse. Tessa notices a car so Lindsay goes inside to see who it is. Claire had been looking for them upstairs, a cat jumps out of a box and she falls off the balcony onto a table- she's dead! In an earlier meeting with Paul, as her divorce lawyer, it's revealed that Claire cheated in the marriage so that shows that she's evil and deserved to die.

 

Paul comes back to find Lindsay crouched in the driveway. They both go to get the Tessa from the playhouse but she's back in the house in the kitchen. Tessa crawls out the doggy door to Lindsay. Paul fights gray cat, puts him the microwave but the cat jumps out. Spraying water doesn't work on this cat but gray cat is electrocuted on a fraying wire.  Police arrive and ask Paul "Are you owner?" and the answer is no, the cats own this house.

 

They sell the house and go back to the city. Another realtor shows the house to a couple  but now gray cat's baby is watching.

 

It's pretty hard to make a bunch of cats seem menacing. The judgy vet is so weird.  There is a scene where gray cat sprays urine all over the house and they talk about and it's a pretty good reason to get out of there. The subplot of the sister getting a divorce is not needed. At first Paul and Lindsay are hot and heavy but the flirty sister makes mom cold. It's surprised the sister really died, she could have survived. Decently silly animal attack movie, no credit for the tow truck dude.

Bats

Watched October 6, 2023

1999

Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips, Dina Meyer, Bob Gunton, Leon

Director: Louis Morneau

 

Gallup, TX

Nighttime, two teens stop beside a railroad crossing. They're fighting but make up and kiss. As the train passes, they are attacked by bats.

 

Arizona

Dr. Sheila Casper (Dina Meyer) is a wildlife zoologist with a bat specialty. She's spelunking in a cave with her assistant Jimmy (Leon) outside the cave talking to her through a radio headset. She's looking at cute little bats when a helicopter lands. Dr. Alexander McCabe (Bob Gunton) and Dr. Tobe Hodge (Carlos Jacott) request her assistance because of the teens killed by bats.

 

Back in Gallup, TX, Sheriff Emmet Kimsey (Lou Diamond Phillips) greets Dr. McCabe, Tobe and Dr. Casper. They do autopsy on the teen and find a hug bat claw. Dr. McCabe says they're flying foxes, the biggest type of bat and he's been doing some sort of testing on them. 

 

Dr. Casper, Leon and Sheriff Emmet set up some nets around a cave area and wait for dark to trap some of them coming out. The bats swarm Sheila and Emmet's truck, aggressively trying to get inside any way possible, through the tailpipe and heating ducts. They drive the car over to Leon and the other cop and manage to get the bats away. They capture one under the wheel, tag in so it'll show them to the cave. They let it go but two other bats sense the tracking device and tear it in half. Sheila is suspicious of Dr. McCabe's research.

Emmet tells the town's mayor to keep everyone inside. Dr. Casper, Emmet and Jimmy head back to town where everyone is out and about, the stay inside warning was ignored. A mom is taking in night laundry and is attacked. The baby sleeping inside is a puppet, but the baby scene seems to be cut as the baby isn't attacked. Chaos reigns on Main St. as the bats attack. The junior cop is killed. Emmet and Dr. Casper are under a truck hiding but then the owner drives off leaving them vulnerable. Dr. Casper gets in a mini mart and shoots some bats.  Dr. Hodge dies helping Dr. Casper. Eventually the bats go home. The town is evacuated and the military comes in. Dr. Casper convinces them to give her and the team 48 hours to figure out a different solution to their idea of bombing the whole town to destroy the bats. Dr. Hodge died during the Main st. massacre helping Dr. Casper.

Dr. Casper, Emmet, Jimmy and Dr. McCabe take over the empty high school. They attach chain link fencing over the doors and windows then electrify it to protect themselves. But when the bats attack, Dr. McCabe turns off the electricity. Dr. McCabe has a mind link with the bats. After fighting the bats in the school with flame throwers and such. Emmet gets the generator going and fries a bunch of bats. Dr. McCabe is drawn outside and the bats kill him. 

The next day, Emmet figures out the bats must be nesting in the old mine. The idea is that they will freeze the bats as they sleep. They put on hazmat style suits because of the ammonia/guano fumes. Emmet and Dr. Casper go down in the cave while Jimmy stays above. They only have an hour to get the freezer to work before the military blows up the town. They fall into a river of guano. They find the machine and get it working. The temperature begins to cool. But Dina told Jimmy to the blow the entrance if anything weird happens. Emmet and Dr. Casper do make it out just in time, the entrance is blown up and the bats are stopped.

 

As Emmet, Dr. Casper and Jimmy leave a bat tries to crawl out of the ground but is run over.

 

Bats delivers on the title, there are a lot of bats in this movie. Boy, practical effects really make a whatever animal attack movie so much better! The pacing is weird and you don't care much about how the whole plan is going to work, but it does. Jimmy is the voice of the audience saying what we're all thinking: Let's get out of here, mainly. I was worried about the PG-13 being dull but it was fine.

The Birds II: Land's End

 

Watched June 30, 2023

1994

Starring: Brad Johnson, Chelsea Field, Tippi Hedren, James Naughton

Director: Rick Rosenthal 

The VHS box makes it look real bad, but the production is actually pretty good.

 

 A fishing and game guy is out on the water collecting birds that have been affected by an oil spill. He does some tests then the birds attack him on the boat and poke his eyes out killing him.

 

Ted (Brad Johnson) and his family are on the ferry with their golden retriever going from the mainland to Gall's Ferry. Ted's wife May (Chelsea Field) got a job teaching how to use the desktop publishing computer to the photographer Frank (James Naughton) who runs the local newspaper. They have two daughters who are age 9 and 11. They've rented an old house right on the water. Ted is supposed to work on his thesis to finish his PhD so he can do more than teach high school biology.

 

They have one car, a Ford Explorer. The birds are acting peculiar, but their dog is good at sniffing it out. The kids are worried about staying on the island in the old house: no tv, no fun. First night in the new house, Ted has a nightmare revealing they had a son who was killed in a car flipping accident five years ago. 

 

Frank the photographer immediately hits on the May as she tries to do her new job. At home the girls explore and ride bikes while Ted gets writer's block. He tries to paint an exterior light fixture red. A seagull beak stabs him in the head, he falls off the ladder. His girl's see and laugh. The red paint spills. Frank gives the May a ride home just in time to see Ted cleaning up the paint.

 

Helen (Tippi Hedren) runs the local general store. She sees the band aid on Ted's head and recommends he see the town doc, even though the wound doesn't seem bad. The doc is also the mayor and he has his office at the local tavern. They discuss his cut, a bird eh? who cares.

 

May is trying to connect with Ted. They make out on the screen porch but the dog keeps barking at the birds and that disrupts their romance.

Ted tries to write again, the girls go and play on the beach but discover a corpse! It's the fish and game department guy. The town Mayor/ Doctor doesn't entertain that birds could be the culprit. An old fisherman picks up another dead bird. He unintentionally scares the girls. 

 

At work, Frank kisses May, she pulls away. She comes home mad, who is going to make dinner? they start to have a fight. But then the old fisherman knocks on the door and brings a big fish to them. He's the lighthouse keeper. He stays for dinner and they all have a nice time.

 

At some point, the girls rescued a bird the dog had grabbed and named him Eggbert. That bird leaves once he's recovered, but then that night he taps on the window to be let in. It's a trap! The girls let the bird in but that leaves the window open for a pigeon attack. May and Ted try to protect the girls and get them out of the bedroom where the birds are attacking.

 

In the morning, they decide to leave the island, but the birds attacked their car and it won't start. The previous night it was also shown that the birds attacked the lighthouse keeper. 

 

Ted goes to borrow the lighthouse keeper's car and find him dead. They take his car anyway and get to dock where the ferry to the mainland is waiting. They try to get on the ferry. The mayor and his friends start shooting at the birds, it's great! A boat pulling away still has a fuel pump attached, this leaks fuel all over the water. Then someone shoots a flare at bird, the bird is on fire, it falls in the water. Several parts of the dock explode. The family gets into a little boat, but they get too close to bird island. They flip the boat over and hide. The birds punch holes in the boat, but then leave. The family climbs back on top and it's assumed they are rescued.

 

No need for a sequel, duh. No explanation of the bird attacks. Good bird explosions though. The dead son doesn't add much, just tension within the family. The kids are fine. It's pretty whatever, they do mention the original movie with the Bodega Bay incident so I guess it's an official sequel.

In Your Wildest Dreams

Watched February 3, 2023

1991

Director: Bruce Neibaur

Starring: Trevor Black, Lise Wilburn, Sarah Schaub

I had some Feature Films for Families as a kid, I think gifted by my religious aunt. I recall liking the Buttercream Gang but I couldn't tell you anything about it now. In Your Wildest Dreams is a FFF so I was a little concerned on it being too family friendly. The VHS cover I have is playing on Short Circuit but the robot isn't in it much, so no Johnny 5 energy.

Mark (Trevor Black) is a high school senior who's applied to Princeton but is waiting for his letter. His girlfriend Holly (Lise Wilburn) answers phones at her dad's company, Bank's Electronics. The very beginning is Holly's dad putting the AI robot in a car. Then Katey (Sarah Schaub), Mark's kid sister, is at the controls telling the robot what to do while driving the car. There is some funding needing, so some stock thing is mentioned, this will come into play later.

Mark, Holly and Katey go to lunch at a diner where all the business people eat. Katey asks Mark to check the change from their receipt. It's over so Mark takes it back, showing that he's a good kid. Justin (Brett Palmer) is a sleezy Wall St. (Gordon Gekko type) who it trying to make some insider trading deal with Banks stock and he's eating at the same diner. Mark has a scooter, Holly has a car and they babysit Katey a lot.

Mark's dad is an accountant who Justin owes money/taxes. At Mark's school, a woman from the SEC gives a presentation on insider trading. Then the class has to do a pretend stock investment assignment with $25k to see who can make the most with their stock pick. One computer is connected to the internet. Mark and his friends think they're pretend buying Bank's stock but it turns out to be real. Mark used his money market college savings account to buy the stock.

 Mark gets his Princeton acceptance letter and the family celebrates, it seems like a dream sequence, but it's real. Mark suddenly seems unsure because Holly's dad wants Mark to work for him and take night classes at the community college instead of going to Princeton. Mark's middle sister hints that Holly's making him change his mind about Princeton.

Meanwhile Justin gets mad at his accomplice because they discussed slowly buying Bank's stock and they don't know that it was Mark who bought the stocks. Mark buying that much stock puts a freeze on the stock. Mark and his friend talk to his stock savvy dad but there's nothing they can do, like try to un-buy the stock. The next day Banks announces the AI robot technology, the stock is for sale again and Mark makes a ton of money selling some of the stock.

Mark, Holly, Katey and middle sister go to pick up the middle sister's new boyfriend Enzo, he's a rollerblading punk and they're mildly shocked but they don't say anything. They go to a local amusement park.

When the money comes in from the stock sale, Mark buys a Ferrari and motorcycle for his dad, a faux fur coat for his mom, a stereo for his middle sister and a big play set for Katey. 

It turns out that Holly's dad needed the money from the IPO, this isn't how stocks work. But they keep putting it on Mark that it's his fault for buying the publicly traded stock. Holly wants Mark to give it back (that's not how stocks work...so?) Justin tries to trick Mark into trading the stock for Justin's abandoned warehouse he owns. Justin has two accomplices who try to muscle Mark but Katey stowed away and honks the horn, this distracts everyone. Mark steals Justin's phone, they have a chase around the empty building. Katey almost pushes a button letting a girder crush Justin's Ferrari. But the FEC lady stops Mark, the accomplice was an informant. They caught Justin, and Mark's a good kid. When he bought the stock Mark messed up their plan to catch Justin, but they got him after all.

Later, Mark listens to Katey and a friend fight about doing what's right. Mark gives the stock paper to Holly's dad. The End.

I've watched so many annoying kids in movies in was nice to see that Katey was not a super bratty kid even when she saves the day. Punk Enzo was the best secret rollerblading park of the moves and according to IMDB that dude is a Hollywood writer and show runner now. I didn't want Mark to get screwed over, I cared. Great ladies business power suits. Not enough robots. It wasn't clear on how why Holly's dad need the stock back, when the company was public and anyone could have bought the stock and sold it. I don't get it, publicly traded companies makes money when they do an IPO. It's not about robots, but it's family friendly fine.

Critters 4

Watched January 27, 2023

 

1991

Director: Rupert Harvey

Starring: Brad Dourif, Angela Bassett, Don Keith Opper, Terrence Mann

Somewhere in Kansas: A space bounty hunter,  Charlie (Don Keith Opper) has found two Krite eggs. He's about to destroy them when he gets a holo-message that he can't destroy them because they're the last two of their species. A space tube is sent, Charlie puts the eggs in the tube, but he gets stuck and frozen in the tube and sent to space.

Somewhere in space is a crew of salvagers. Al (Brad Dourif), Rick the angry captain (Anders Hove), Bernie (Erik DaRe from Twin Peaks), Fran (Angela Bassett ) and Ethan the intern (Paul Whitthorne) round out the crew. They see the tube, scan it but they don't know what's in it. The Captain is smoking in their ship, wouldn't the oxygen mix be combustible? They decide to pick up the capsule. They are able to decipher a logo from Terra Corp. and send a message to them. Perhaps the original bounty hunter plays the Terra Corp. guy? The company gives them a space station location to drop the capsule off at for payment. They arrive, it's a cube with a propeller. Once onboard they discover the station is empty.

The computer, Angela is only running at 50% so she's a malfunctioning computer. No one is at the facility, it's large including a science lab and pharmacy. Al gets the computer to show him several levels are blocked off, no other people are on board so he wants to leave. The nuclear core of the ship is also unstable. 

Fran takes a shower, the pervy captain hands her a towel while she's still in the shower and she punches him. The Captain gets space madness and goes to open the capsule without anyone knowing. After laser blasting it a couple times it sends a computer warning that Al sees. Al sends Ethan to check it out. Ethan gets stuck in the elevator because of the crazy computer. You have to say the opposite of what you want to get the computer to work for you. Angry captain knocks Ethan out and hangs him by a hook. Captain gets the capsule open and Charlie, now unfrozen, rushes out. Captain pokes around, the eggs have hatched. Two critters attack the Captain, one on the leg the other on his mouth. Charlie gets Ethan down from the hook. The rest of the crew finds the Captain. Ethan and Charlie are chasing/running away from the critters when they discover the lab. Charlie goes into a duct. Ethan follows but then it dumps them in the trash compactor. The computer is doing to jettison them into space but they the find another duct and escape.

They find Bernie and get cleaned up. They all meet in the astroturf lounge room. Charlie discovers he's been in the tube for 50 years and everyone he knows is dead. Charlie explains the critters.

They also unlock a video from the lab, showing that they were doing experiments to make critters clear out life forms on planets they wanted to colonize?

They find a key card. Leo goes to the pharmacy grabs tons of pills but then is critter attacked. The team gets back to their docked spaceship. Al loads Charlie's old gun with six bullets. Charlie shoots at the two critters, killing one but damaging the ship in the process. The critters have laid more eggs. Fran  smashes some. The Terra Corp. guys and stormtroopers arrive. Charlies recognizes the head guy who just wants the eggs. They've hatched! Ethan outruns the stormtroopers by using the computers reverse psychology to close doors. Ethan finds the eggs, juggles them, and threatens to smash them. Ethan shows Fran that he has the gun. Ethan tosses the last egg, the bad guy tries to grab it but Fran punches him with the gun. Al was already shot, Ethan is sad and Al was his surrogate dad. Charlie, Fran and Ethan get in the Terra Corp. ship. The Terra Corp. guy tries to attack Ethan but is eaten by a critter and then frozen and smashes to pieces. The station starts nuclear meltdown/self destruct mode. Fran, Charlie and Ethan get away. The space station blows up with all the critters. Charlies bushes a button after being told not to and the ship goes crazy.

 I had incredibly low expectations for this movie so it was pretty fun. Little bit of humor, but everyone is taking the story seriously. Fran doesn't die, so that's something. I liked it. The music is all over the place with weird western riffs and space music. Creature effects by the Chiodo Bros!

Airborne

Watched December 9, 2022

1993

Director: Rob Bowman

Starring: Shane McDermott, Seth Green, Jack Black, Edie McClurg, Alana Ubach. 

Mitchell "Goose" Goosen (Shane McDermott) is a laid back So-Cal dude. He rollerblades with his buddy to the beach to go surfing. Then they walk back home carrying their boards and blades. Mitchell comes home to his parents telling him they got a grant to study in Australia for 6 months. He's psyched! Australia's got surfing but he can't miss that much school. So he is sent to his Aunt & Uncle in Cincinnati for the Winter!

Mitchell brings his surfboard for no reason, it really shows how out of his element he is. His cousin Wiley (Seth Green) is a weirdo. Mitchell's California house is modern, whereas the Cincinnati house is grandma cozy vibes. California and Cincinnati couldn't be more different! Goose is set up on a cot in Wiley's basement room that has a hodge podge decor of motorcycle posters, an Eraserhead poster and hair metal bands.

Goose's first class in his temporary new high school is speech where everyone gets up and says their name and deal. Jack Black plays a bully who likes video games. Mitchell is a cool California dude who loves surfing. Wiley pretends to be into hockey, his dad is but he really isn't. Two girls drool over Mitchell and have a fantasy sequence of him sitting in swim trunks. After class, the main hockey dude is mad that his girlfriend is talking to Mitchell. Apparently there is non-school affiliated hockey games with this group playing the preps. Two of their players are out that day, so they force Wiley to play. Wiley gets hurt so Mitchell is brought in. He scores a goal in the wrong net and they are all pissed. Before playing hockey, Mitchell was sitting in the stands and he meets Nikki (Brittney Powell).

 After the ice hockey game went bad,  the hockey bullies play pranks on Mitchell all over school. They soak all the toilet paper while he's pooping, then infer that he didn't wipe and walked around with shit on his butt? They steal his clothes while he showers, but he finds some combination of clothes so he doesn't leave the locker room totally nude. They fill his locker with sand and dump water on him on the stairwell. 

Mitchell is bummed. The weather gets slightly nicer and his rollerblades arrive in the mail, yay! He goes out and runs into Nikki and takes her to a botanical garden greenhouse and skates around her. They makes a date for Friday but Mitchell said that he's hanging out with Wiley. Nikki brings her friend Gloria (Alana Ubach) so they can double date. Fashion montage of Wiley figuring out his look for the night. At first Gloria is not into Wiley. Mitchell and Nikki walk on the riverwalk and kiss then they all go to the teen diner. But the main hockey bully is Nikki's brother and he doesn't want her hanging out with Mitchell. He tries to fight Mitchell but Mitchell is too chill. But Mitchell makes the mistake of saying he'll be leaving town soon so there's nothing keeping him there. This makes Nikki upset and she runs off.

Mitch makes some rollerblading buddies, they skate around town on ramps and stuff. They run into a rematch street hockey game beteween the bullies and the preps. Mitchell ends up pantsing the main prep and you see his ball in his jock strap (?!) After this the bullies come to Wiley's house and tell Mitch how cool he is. They ask if he can help them with the devil's backbone race against the preps. It's a hill to waterfront race where a certain amount of each team needs to get to the finish line to win. The two teams set off down the hill and a bunch of folks eat it. Some preps make it. Mitch falls or something, then jumps off a flatbed truck. Mitchell ends up helping the main bully up and they skate together to the finish line into a huge crowd. Wiley and Gloria kiss and Mitch and Nikki kiss. The End. 

Mitchell has no growth. He doesn't want to go to Cincinnati, he thinks it'll suck and it does. Even with him being chill then doing the Devil's backbone race doesn't change that he'll head back to California at the end of the semester.

 One idea to have some sort of arc is that  Mitchell used to not be chill and get into fights but surfing helps him calm down so when he's prompted to fight he could turn to rollerblading. The other could be having some sort of stakes about staying in Cincinnati, like falling for Nikki makes him was to graduate high school there. His parents should have gotten an grant to study somewhere landlocked not Australia, or any other place not know for surfing, also they have schools in Australia where Mitchell could have gone for a semester.  The rollerblading is whatever, it's too muddled with hockey and surfing. Not X-treme enough either. Mitchell falls flat for me. Also two too many showers scenes.

Prayer of the Rollerboys

Watched November 18, 2022

 

1990

Starring: Corey Haim, Patricia Arquette, Christopher Collet, Julius Harris, Devin Clark

Directed by Rick King

This takes place in the not so distant future. After another big stock market crash, the entire US economy was decimated, losing its global power. Tons of kids were raised in chain link orphanages  presumable because their parents couldn't afford to take care of them. Griffin (Corey Haim) and his brother Miltie (Devin Clark) live in a tent on the property of Speedbagger (Julius Harris) who runs a bike and Rollerblade repair shop. 

 

Griffin works at Pinky's Pizza, delivering pizza in an armored van. After a pizza run, Griffin comes across a burning home, two people run out of, but someone is still trapped inside. Griffin rams the back of the van into the building, creating an escape hole and helps the guy get out. Griffin seems to recognize the guy, the cops show up and arrest Griffin, while the other guy flees. The burning building was a Rollerboy drug house. At the police station, Griffin's pizza job checks out and he is let go. 

 

Griffin is practicing rollerblading in a parking lot with Miltie when Gary Lee and the Rollerboys show up. Gary Lee thanks Griffin for saving Bullwinkle from the fire. Griffin doesn't want a reward in return. Gary Lee gives Miltie a cross with a dragon on it and says to ask if they need anything. 

 

Pinky is pissed that the van was destroyed and Griffin owes Pinky a lot of money to get a new one. Miltie shows up in a new minivan to replace the old one, courtesy of the Rollerboys. Griffin doesn't want to take it but Pinky does. Griffin isn't into the Rollerboys or Gary Lee even though they were friends as kids. The Rollerboys are white nationalist fascists who blame the 'other' for the woes of the US.

 

At the boardwalk, Casey (Patricia Arquette) asks Griffin for drugs, assuming he's a Rollerboy, but he isn't and doesn't have any drugs so he gives her the brush off, for now.

Miltie likes the Rollerboy lifestyle and goes to a circus carnival themed party with oil lady wrestling, champagne and mermaid girls on a carousel. Casey is there too. Griffin tries to get Miltie to leave but he's having fun. Gary Lee keeps trying to convince Griffin to beocome a Rollerboy. Griffin leaves the party, Casey follows him still asking for drugs. They make out and he takes off her underwear, he hands it to her and calls her easy. Griffin rollerblades through what looks like a sex worker alley and runs into two plainclothes police officers. After the police chase after Griffin, they take him to the police station. 

 

Detective Wakowski talks to Griffin about trying to stop the Rollerboys drug ring. Griffin doesn't want to do it. Here we learn that Casey isn't just a drug seeking Rollerboy groupie, she's an undercover cop. 

 

Miltie starts dealing drugs anyway, the Rollerboys sell a proprietary drug called Myst. Griffin tries to get Miltie to stop but then a rival Rollerboy gang does a drive by then chases Griffin and Miltie. They are cornered, Bullwinkle kills the rival gangmembers ans tells Griffin they're even for the fire rescue now. Griffin decides to works for the cops so he goes to Gary Lee's office to talk. Gary Lee is buying guns from overseas. He has a bunch of TVs on mannequins leg stands as decor in his offic. Griffin shoots one, Gary Lee is into it, and he invites Griffin to the real initiation.

 

At a shipping port, three guys are all trying to be Rollerboys, they're on rollerblades holding onto ropes attached to the back of a van. They have to grab a security badge and get out of the port alive. The first guy is shot in the back, lots of hot rollerblade action. Griffin makes it, the other guy is close but Gary Lee shoots him anyway.

 

Casey reveals to Griffin she's an undercover cop trying to help him, using them kissing as cover. She tells him he's got to work the drug kitchen so they can bust the Rollerboys with the equipment and drugs.

 

Speedbagger know how racist the Rollerboys are so he's very disappointed that Griffin has joined and Grifinf can't tell him that he's undercover. Speedbagger tells Griffin to get his new RV off of his property. Miltie takes Myst and gets in trouble with Gary Lee. No Rollerboy is supposed to get high off his own supply. Griffin goes to Casey's apartment, they make out, it looks like she's going to blow him but then she just takes his underwear and throws it in his face and says 'get to work!'

 

Bullwinkle tells on Griffin to Gary Lee that he's still friends with Speedbagger. Gary Lee says Griffin needs to be a more enthusiastic gang member. The Rollerboyss raid the rival gang, Bullwinkle again catches Griffin letting people go instead of killing them. 

Bullwinkle spies on Speedbagger. The gang has a big beat down where thy are skating around a hooded person punching them and kicking them. That person turns out to be Speedbagger. Miltie is now disillusioned with the gang, they get Speedbagger to the hospital, he's ok.

 

Griffin goes to Casey saying he's leaving town with Miltie and she can come if she wants. Her brother died as a Rollerboy so she wants to stay to stop them. They kiss and Griffin spends the night. In the morning, Bullwinkle barges in yelling at Griffin. Casey's police badge is on the table, Bullwinkle threatens to shoot them but the two cops surveilling Casey barge in. Bullwinkle grabs Casey but the second guy shoots Bullwinkle. The detective says they'll dump the body so it looks like MI6 (the rival gang?) but Griffin has to get the kitchen job now. 

 

 Gary Lee visits Griffin's house/RV and tells him Bullwinkle is dead. Gary Lee knows it was tense between Griffin and Bullwinkle but Griffin has the kitchen shift tomorrow. Griffin tells the detective to come. 

 

At the kitchen lab, Griffin paired with Bango (Mark Pellegrino) and Bango loves kitchen duty, he's having fun. Griffin learns the day of the rope is about poisoning Myst users so they can't reproduce: racial Eugenics. Miltie's only done it a couple times so I guess he'll be fine.  The cops show up, Griffin fights and hits Bango so he can't destory the operation with acid. The two undercover officers are corrupt and they're just gonna take the money but Casey shows up and shoots them plus the real detectives shows up. They leave the lab to find Gary Lee with Miltie and a bunch of Rollerboys. Shoot out then Griffin and Gary Lee, then a big roller chase with Gary Lee shooting at Griffin. Griffin then does a pole swing and gets Gary Lee's gun. He punches Gary Lee before Gary Lee can stab him. Ends with Griffin and Casey driving and making out with Miltie and Speedbagger in their RV heading to Oregon. But Gary Lee is in jail with his lawyer planning to get Griffin. Sequel set up that never happens.

Miltie is not great. Probably that's part of what made Corey Haim so special is that he was a good kid actor. I'm sorry that drugs took Corey Haim's life.  Being a child star/teen heartthrob seems brutal. Both Corey's were talents but had a hard time getting past stuff but at least Corey Feldman's is still alive.

 

I only on this rewatch realized that Gary Lee is played by Christopher Collet, who played Paul in Sleepaway Camp another favorite movie of mine from my high school years. 

 

Beautifully stupid and just my cup of tea. I also really love Corey Haim, so I've seen many stupid movies what he was in. The yellow filter over everything is a bit much. Lots of great rollerblading though! Rollerblading seems very challenging to make look dynamic on film. Turns out the screenwriter W. Peter Iliff was really on a Rollerblade kick because he also wrote the story for the made for TV movie, Blade Squad. I haven't watched it yet, but it's on my list.

 

We decided through randomness to watch rollerblade movies in November 2022. Compared to skateboard and roller skate movies there aren't as many Rollerblade movies even though it was big fad in the late '80s to the '90s, I'm looking at you jolly rancher commercial.

Amanda and the Alien

Watched September 4, 2017

1995
Starring: Nicole Eggert, Stacy Keach, Michael Dorn

Oakland Military Facility
Two aliens are captured and the military and FBI are trying to figure out how to kill them. In their holding cell, the aliens look like a human man and woman. The woman turns into a leathery blob,  slides under the door and consumes one of the guards. Consume to the alien means that they both eat and take over the body. So the alien is now in a male guard body. The male guard/alien goes to get a sandwich in the lunchroom, that's where it runs into Connie (Alex Meneses). The alien consumes Connie, takes the body and her car and leaves the facility for San Francisco.

Amanda (Nicole Eggert) is a young college student. She lives at home but her parents are gone all the time, so it's almost like she lives alone. She works at a clothing store called the Fashion Mill. Amanda works with two girls who seem to be her friends but she also doesn't seem to like them at all. While they work they all talk about their weekend plans, including poetry slams and raves. Amanda is supposed to hear from her on/off boyfriend Charlie (Michael Bendetti). Amanda is an aspiring artist. Charlie calls to say he's hanging out with his cousin this weekend, that's why he can't do something with Amanda. It's pretty sketchy because Charlie is seen kissing this cousin. Amanda funnels her rage into some terrible art.

Amanda heads to her local beatnik coffee shop. There are a lot of close up shots of lattes, cappuccinos and other coffee drinks being made, along with making sandwiches. Amanda is sketching a woman in the shop, it happen to be Connie the alien's current body. Somehow Amanda knows that this woman is the alien, it doesn't make any sense how.  But Amanda approaches this lady and lets her know that she can help her hide. It's been on the news that the cops are looking for a mysterious person. There is a weird show of the hot coffee cup ripping the skin off Connie's alien hands. Amanda takes the alien Connie home with her. Somehow it's still daytime, this is the longest day.

Amanda helps the alien Connie take a shower, which leads to the alien masturbating when Amanda tells her to wash her private parts. After the shower, Amanda makes the alien a peanut butter, tomato and pickle sandwich. This is where the alien explains that it consumes only live things, like people. That is why it came to Earth in the first place, to see if they could farm it for food. In the kitchen, the alien lady discovers paprika, which causes her to orgasm. The alien lady needs to eat someone, since it's been in this lady body for awhile and it's are getting hungry. First Amanda suggests going to club to meet some dudes, but then Charlie calls because he left some CDs at Amanda's house. Amanda arranges for Charlie to come pick up the CD while the lady alien is there, so the lady alien can consume him.

Amanda heads back to the coffee shop while the lady alien waits for Charlie. Charlie comes over, immediately hits on lady alien, they have sex and afterward she consumes him. During this sex/coffee shop scene, they keep cutting back and forth and they use the milk steamer as a visual for the sex that Charlie and the lady alien are having.

Amanda goes back to the house to find the alien in Charlie's body, and she is very attracted to the body. Amanda takes Charlie to the coffee shop and they meet some of Amanda's friends, who just think it's Charlie. Then Amanda takes Charlie to make-out point, then back home where they have sex. But the cops are on their trail, since the alien is basically killing people, even though they mostly just disappear. The alien has to get to the Hollywood sign to be taken home, but they are currently in San Francisco. They drive to Bakersfield to spend the night. Amanda and Charlie/alien stop at a weird theme hotel and have some paprika sex.

The cops/FBI find Amanda and Charlie/alien at the hotel but Amanda pretends to be the alien while the Charlie body hides in the closet. They take Amanda into custody and lock her in a van, then the alien takes over the Liutentent Vint (Michael Dorn) body. Amanda is in the truck that Vint is driving, they ditch the other cop and head towards LA. Amanda and Vint/alien end up at a truck stop and need to ditch the van. Amanda uses her charm to get a trucker to give them a ride to LA. In the morning they are dropped off near the sign. Emmitt Mallory (Stacy Keach) follows them and once they are dropped off the SWAT team surrounds them. Vint is shot by Emmitt, but the alien is able to consume Emmitt before he dies. The trucker comes back and saves Amanda and Emmitt/alien from the SWAT team and drops them off much closer to the Hollywood sign.

Emmitt turns back into an alien blob, but not before it mind melds with Amanda and gives her an unnamed gift.  Amanda heads back home, she goes on a crazy talk show about peoples with experiences with aliens. She is still working at the Fashion Mill, but she has to get more questioning by the FBI. Her paintings get a little better, perhaps that's her gift from the alien.

I love the '90s vibe that the movie starts with, there is some great fashion or just talking about raves and poetry slams is pretty great. Amanda has some great fashion montages too. That's where my interest ends. The characters aren't every interesting, so there journey is hard to get invested in. The sex is gross. It should have gone either stronger with the horror alien aspect or just gone into porn territory, but it just falls into a bland middle ground.