The Wicker Man (1973)

 

Watched June 20, 2025

 

1973

Starring: Edward Woodward, Christopher Lee, Britt Ekland

Director: Robin Hardy

 

My local theater was showing this and I thought it was good excuse to see it. I'd heard a lot about the crazy Nick Cage remake, so why not see the original.

It's the end of April. Sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) arrives by seaplane to the remote British island of Summerisle. The police had received a letter and photo of missing 14-year-old girl, Rowan Morrison. At first, no one in the village recognizes the photo. The letter about the missing girl was anonymous. 

Sergeant Howie goes to the Morrison family, the mom runs a candy store. She has one daughter but doesn't have another, no missing Rowan. Everyone isn't being totally obtuse, just cheerfully unhelpful.

Sergeant Howie spends the night at the Green Man Inn. Everyone is there, it's the local pub, singing and kissing. The innkeeper's daughter has a beautiful daughter Willow (Britt Ekland). Their songs are about sex, semi-subtly. Officer Howie goes outside and everyone is having sex on the lawn. He goes back inside to see a kilted man offering his teen son to Willow. They play a song about coupling. Sergeant Howie is Christian and wracked with guilt about these fornicators.

In the morning, all the school boys are practicing the dance around a maypole with a singer, it's almost a musical. The girls are inside with their teacher, Ms. Rose (Diane Cilento). Sergeant Howie is still looking for Rowan. Ms. Rose says she's not there but he grabs her roster and Rowan's name is listed as a student. Ms. Rose and Sergeant Howie talk outside, and she basically says Rowan is dead. Sergeant Howie goes to the records office, there is no death certificate for Rowan. All the townsfolk keep questioning Sergeant Howie's authority to be there at all. 

Sergeant Howie visits Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee), who explains that they all worship the Earth. Sergeant Howie asks to dig up the coffin, he doesn't appear to get permission so he does it at night. Inside there is a giant hare instead of a human body. 

Ms. Rose is at Lord Summerisle's house, they're singing together. Sergeant Howie throws the hare at them. They say this is Rowan, she changed. 

At the Inn, Willow sings a seduction song and bangs naked at the wall trying to get police officer to come over to her room. Sergeant Howie barely manages to stay away, as a good Christian he is engaged but a virgin. He tries to leave May 1st but his plane won't start. He looks up pagan rituals about May day. 

Back at the Inn, Sergeant Howie goes to rest since he can't leave yet. Willow and the innkeeper say they'll use a special thing to keep him asleep. Instead Sergeant Howie wakes up,  and sees a strange burning hand/candle. Sergeant Howie knocks out the innkeeper and puts on his fool costume. 

Previously, Sergeant Howie had searched all over and found that last year's harvest was bad. He's convinced they're going to sacrifice Rowan for a better harvest. The town marches and does their May day ceremony, they are led to Rowan, she's alive and fine.  Sergeant Howie unties her and runs away with her but it was all part of the plan to get the police officer, a Christian virgin to come to the island of his own free will so they can sacrifice him to have a better crop yield. Sergeant Howie tries to get them to stop, but they put him in the wicker man, where there are also a bunch of animals in cages and they're all burned at sunset.

Great crazy folk horror vibes.  I already knew the basic plot so the town trick wasn't a surprise, but it was still fun. There's so much music it could be a musical, there is a folk theme song called Corn Rigs. Christopher Lee is so young in this one!

Rocktober Blood

 

Watched October 28, 2022

 

1984

Director: Beverly Sebastian

Starring: Donna Scoggins, Tray Loren, Cana Cockrell

At a recording studio/house, Billy Eye (Tray Loren) is laying down the vocal track for his song "I'm Back." His band is really into it, but Lynn (Donna Scoggins) is less impressed. It's 4:30 am but Billy leaves for a hook up. Lynn antagonizes him about cheap dates. He says he wrote the song "Rainbow Eyes" for her and she's about to record the backing vocal. Lynn does two takes but it's not working, she heads to the jacuzzi alone. Black leather pants and boots walk down a bunch of stairs- it looks like Billy is already back from his date. He kills the producer by slitting his throat. He hangs another woman in the studio on a rack. Lynn comes out of the jacuzzi, back to the studio to find Billy. Billy makes some subtle jokes about killing two people. He then attacks Lynn. Somebody shows up? and stops Billy so Lynn gets away.

Jump to two years later. 

An MTV style VJ does an interview with Lynn about her new show at a party. He explains it's been two years since Billy went crazy, killed two people, was convicted and executed. Lynn dealt with the trauma but now is the lead of Headmistress, the same band and using Billy's songs. They are having a pre tour launch party with a guy breakdancing in a gorilla mask. Everyone looks '80s metal awesome. Lynn goes upstairs to the spooky office and is attacked by the breakdancer but it's actually Billy! She tells the blond producer Tony (Tony Rista) so he punches the breakdancer, but it's not Billy anymore! Tony tells Lynn to head out of town to relax as they continue to get the show ready.

 

 Lynn heads to a Lake Tahoe cabin (seems like the same studio as the beginning). She is up there with two friends and she is attacked by Billy while hiking in the woods, but it can't actually be him, he's dead! The women get a bunch of creepy phone calls. They do a bunch of jazzercize leotard work outs. They go on a speedboat. Lynn's brunette friend is planning to fly to San Francisco but checks the jacuzzi and it's unexpectedly on. Billy bursts out the water and drowns her. He then hacks up her body, where she cries out even though she has already drowned. Lynn takes a bath in her strange bedroom that has a bathtub in it (on carpet, no less) then Billy chases her in and out of the house. The producer calls, Lynn wants to see Billy's body since she's convinced it's him. Tony says he's British and will go lose his green card if he digs up a grave, good point. Lynn goes to the cemetery anyway with her blond friend. The friends stays in the car, which has an open top while Lynn goes to dig up the grave. Once Lynn has just about finished, Tony shows up to help. They open the coffin, Lynn hallucinates that it's Billy's living face but it's just a rotting skeleton. 

The night of the big show, everyone is getting ready. Billy is stalking around the venue, he kills the blond friend with an iron! Lynn gets her wig on, then Billy reveals he's John, Billy's twin brother! He's been the killer all along. He's the talented one but managed to blame it the original murders on Billy who Lynn thought was the killer. But Billy/John is still pissed that Lynn is using his songs. Billy/John pulls out a big bottle of ETHER! and knocks out Lynn and places her in a coffin, that's happens to be part of the stage show. 

The show starts! Song 1: There are four women in white, gauzy clothes tied up around the stage. Billy kills two of them but it seems like part of the show. The security guard and Tony know it's Billy/John now. The coffin with Lynn rises to the stage and Billy/John makes Lynn sing rainbow eyes while poking her with a spear. Then Billy handcuffs himself to Lynn and sings "I'm Back." Lynn manages to get away and Tony hits Billy/John with a guitar. Blood runs down Billy/John's face and it ends with a freeze frame.

For the Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare theme, this is the best of the three (Slaughterhouse Rock, Black Roses, Rocktober Blood.) The backing band is Sorcery from the wizarding world of Stunt Rock. They're great. The Stunt Rock trailer has all the best stuff,  but the full length movie lags, just a heads up. The acting is bad, Lynn does some casual nudity while taking a jacuzzi and baths. They make the most out of the limited sets and at least make some interesting choices with shots.

Black Roses

Watched September 30, 2022

 

1988  

Directed by John Fasano  

Starring: John Martin, Karen Planden, Frank Dietz 

 

Starts in New York at a Black Roses concert, the band members are already monsters. The cops show up to shut it down but the transfixed teens rush out, crushing the cops. It's not clear if the Black Roses need teen spirit to feed or to change from humans to their true monster selves.

Two lamborghinis roll into small town Canada. Several cool '80s rock 'n' rollers get out, it's the Black Roses! They walk around the empty town putting up posters for the 4 nights they're playing the high school auditorium.

 Mr. Morehouse (John Martin) is the English lit and poetry teacher at the high school. All the teens in his class are excited about the Black Roses coming to play their town, let alone their high school auditorium! Especially since these shows are kicking off their larger North American tour. Julie (Karen Plandon) is a student who really admires Mr. Morehouse and has a little crush on him. Johnny (Frank Dietz) another student in Mr. Morehouse's class, has a crush on Julie, but she considers them just friends.

The local church members are against the concert, since rock music is aligned with the devil, duh. But the mayor is for it. The town council stays for the first song and Black Roses play one of their ballads and tone it down. The town council leaves approvingly and the party is on! 

Julie hangs out with Johnny after the first concert. They wander around town, Johnny steals a can of red paint, spills a little bit in a parking lot and leaves his pocket knife nearby. The next day in class, Mr. Morehouse returns the knife to Johnny and tells him to stay out of trouble. That afternoon, the Black Roses give out free records to all the high school kids. One of the teens, Vinny (Carmine Appice) gets into a fist fight over one. Vinny plays the record at home and his dad tells him to shut it off. Vinny storms off, but the record comes on again, looking all melty-gooey. A monster emerges from the speaker, attacks the dad (Vincent Pastore) drags him back into the speaker.

After the second concert, Johnny goes home to his nebbish dad. He goes to bed and has sex with a dream demon, I think it's supposed to be Julie but it's also a body double so it's confusing. He wakes up and shoots his dad three times. Another high schooler Tina heads home after the concert with her sexy friend. At Tina's house, her younger brother is throwing plastic action figures in the fire while the dad watches. The dad realizes it's 11pm and shuffles the kid off to bed. The mom is playing cards at a friends. Tina asks if her friend can stay because her parents aren't home and she's locked out. All three of them play gin rummy until Tina goes to bed. Tina's friend convinces the dad to play strip gin, she comes on to him and gives him a heart attack. Vinny comes home from the concert and runs over his mom while she is taking out the trash.

Mr. Morehouse has been 'dating' the mayor's daughter Priscilla (Carla Ferrigno). He goes after school to talk to the mayor once some people have been dying but she doesn't let him get past.

Julie goes fully bad and beats her step dad to death with an ashtray. Julie then sneaks into Priscilla's car while she was playing tennis. Once Priscilla gets in the car, Julie cuts off Priscilla's head. Julies goes to Mr. Morehouse to seduce him, he rejects her but them Julie turns into a demon and tries to kill him. He fends her off with a tennis racket and he escapes.

If there is a third concert, it happens somewhere in here.

The last concert everyone is all dressed in black now. Damian (Sal Viviano) the lead singer of the Black Roses notices Mr. Morehouse tossing gas onstage. Damian turns into a demon to fight Mr. Morehouse, they tussles. Mr. Morehouse gets Julie out of the concert hall and lights a flare that sets the gas soaked stage ablaze, engulfing Damian and the band. The teens escape the burning auditorium. TV news footage announces the Black Roses are coming to Madison Square Garden and it shows Damian and he's fine.

Cool title sequence with animated growing roses that the lamborghinis drive over. It needed more stakes, a lot of kids kill their parents but it doesn't seem to mean anything. Mr. Morehouse isn't much of a hero that you root for. Does the band need the kids to turn into demons, do they feed off of them? Do they get energy from the kills. The demonizing seems reversible. Damian calls the kids his Black Roses, it that a clue? Good demon effects but aside from the kids gone bad/satanic panic it doesn't make much sense.

Parts of it seem high-ish quality but then random shots of bellies like they didn't get enough coverage. Julie didn't want to do nude scenes, but the stands ins are are really different and there is a very strange weird cropped boob shot. Not a lot of fun overall. Decent music, weird background music choices. It seems like they wanted to show an innocent town that goes to hell through satanic music, but it didn't quite come together for me.

Same writer as Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare, Cindy Cirile, she really got some mileage out of music and monsters. I wonder how many metal/music/horror movies were made in the '80s?  Lloyd Kaufman is listed as a producer, it doesn't have a of Troma feeling aside from monster effects.

They played this at a local theater a couple of weeks after we watched it, something was in the Santa Fe air for the Black Roses.

C.H.U.D.II Bud the Chud

Watched September 1, 2015

1989
Starring: Brian Robbins, Bill Calvert, Tricia Leigh Fisher, Robert Vaughn

Having little to do with the first C.H.U.D. movie, this one tries the horror comedy approach to a sequel.

Colonel Masters (Robert Vaughn) is heading up a secret program to create C.H.U.D.'s as soldiers, but they can't seem to remove the cannibal part from their test subject, Bud. Bud (Gerrit Graham) tries to escape from the medical facility where they are testing on him. The soldiers and scientists freeze him with Nitroglycerin, essentially killing him. 

Meanwhile two teen friends, Steve (Brian Robbins) and Kevin (Bill Calvert) are in their high school biology class. After class ends they are in the back room of the lab putting frogs away when the corpse they are supposed to look out later is pushed out of the loading dock and rolls awat. They are worried they'll get in trouble for losing the body, so they go to the local disease control lab, which happens to be the same place that the military is testing C.H.U.D.s. They end up stealing Bud the C.H.U.D. They take him back to Steve's house and he ends up in the bathtub, then a hairdryer falls in the electrocutes him back to life. Steve and Kevin lock Bud in the basement to figure out what to do next. Bud easily escapes and bites Steve's miniature poodle. This turns the poodle into a C.H.U.D. too. I guess C.H.U.D.-ism is similar to how zombies become infected, in that everyone that is bit turns into a C.H.U.D. and can infect other people.

Steve and Kevin team up with their gal pal Katie (Tricia Leigh Fisher) to look for Bud. General Master is also looking for the C.H.U.D. Bud makes a bunch of friends and ends up on a farm, the government also finds Steve, Kevin and Katie there and try to arrest them. The C.H.U.D. group manages to escape.

 For some reason, the military know the C.H.U.D.s are attracted to large groups and there is a Halloween Dance at the high school that night. The C.H.U.D.s now have a whole posse and they all head down to the High school, synchronized dancing along the way. Steve and Kevin figure out that if you freeze then electrocute the C.H.U.D.'s you can cause them to explode, destroying them. Bud is attracted to Katie so she lures him and the the rest of the C.H.U.D.'s to the high school pool. They all fall/jump in, then Steven and Kevin throw nitroglycerin into the pool. Steve and Kevin rip and electrical line off the wall and throw it into the pool, causing all the C.H.U.D.'s explode, but not before Steve is bitten. All the C.H.U.D.'s are destroyed, Kevin finally tells Katie that he likes her romantically. Steve, now a C.H.U.D. tells his friends that he is off to explore the world. He hitches a ride with Colonal Masters, now a C.H.U.D. alond with a random woman played by Bianca Jagger.

The custom song Bud the C.H.U.D. is pretty great and plays often. I had some fun watching this movie, but that doesn't mean it's good. The makeup for all the C.H.U.D.'s is just some green face paint for the most part. The original C.H.U.D.'s were real mutants that looked pretty gross. Most of the laughs in this one fall pretty flat, but I did like all the great costumes at the high school Halloween Dance.

Street Trash

Watched April 3, 2015

1987
Starring: Mike Lackey, Mark Sferrazza, Jane Arakawa

Whoa! I did not know what I was in for when I randomly chose to watch Street Trash. As someone that watches a lot of low quality movies, I first figured that this was just lumped into the horror category. But that still didn't seem to fit and I still had a hard time describing the movie.  After reading into the history of the movie, it helped me categorize the movie which is trying to offend everyone. I'd put it into an offensive exploitation category. I didn't even know the melt category of movie existed, but that is apparently what this movie is too. Street Trash could not be a better title or more literal for this movie. It wants to offend everyone.

Homeless alcoholic Fred (Mike Lackey) lives in junkyard, in a room build from cars and tires with his younger brother Kevin (Mark Sferrazza). They have lots of friends on the Brooklyn streets who are also homeless alcoholics. It kicks off with Fred stealing some booze from the local liquor store and being chased around. While being chased he steals some money from another bum but loses most of it when he has to hide in a garbage truck that almost crushes him. He loses the stolen booze and most of the money he stole, leaving him with a single dollar.

The junkyard is run by an obese guy and his assistant Wendy (Jane Arakawa) who actually does all the work. Wendy is friends with Kevin and tries to help him out with food and work sometimes. Mostly she helps out by making sure the cops aren't called on them. The junkyard is actually controlled by crazy Vietnam vet, Bronson (Vic Noto). All the bums have to pay Bronson in cash or booze. He has a lady that he treats like shit and she is rough looking even by homeless standards, at least all the guys have clothes.

The local liquor store owner unearths an old case of Tenafly Viper, a mysterious booze, and puts it on sale for $1 a bottle. Since it's the cheapest drink around, the local homeless population starts buying it. But as soon as you drink it, it melts, explodes and completely destroys your body.

The local cops, who are the worst, find the first man melted by Viper and start investigating what could have done this. The lead detective, Bill (Bill Chepil) immediately suspects the homeless population, since he hates all of them.

Fred meets a lady vomiting in an alley outside a restaurant and she's so drunk she thinks Fred is her  boyfriend. Fred takes her back to his junkyard tire shack and they have somewhat consensual sex. The sounds of them having sex lure all the other homeless perverts to watch. After Fred is done he pushes the woman away, all the other men grab the woman. They drag her off screen, gang rape and kill her. She is found on the side of the river later by the junkyard owner, who then rapes her corpse. 

It turns out her boyfriend was a mobster and he takes it into his own hands to stop the guys who killed his girlfriend. Bill the cop goes to confront Bronson,who is convinced knows how the homeless men are melting. They get into a brawl but Bronson stabs the cop in the back with his carved femur shiv then chokes him to death. Bronson has his cronies to bury the body and they happen bring him some Viper in tribute. Bronson's girlfriend grabs the booze first and takes a swig, she immediately melts into disgusting goo. 

 Bronson thinks that Kevin is responsible for the death of his girlfriend. At that moment Kevin happens to be about to have sex with Wendy. (They never kiss, she just kisses his belly, it's totally weird.) Bronson chases Kevin around the junkyard storage building for awhile but Kevin manages to escape being murdered. Fred shows up and throws some Viper onto Bronson's face, melting a portion of it. Bronson is about to kill Fred when Kevin lights a gas canister that shoots through the air and decapitates Bronson. 

This movie it nuts. It's interesting having homeless people as the main characters as it doesn't glamorize it at all. The melt special effects are great and disgusting.  There is an extended scene where Bronson rips off a guy's dick and they all play hot potato with it around the junkyard. I can't say that I liked all of it since I haven't completely been desensitized...yet.

Popcorn

Watched December 8, 2014

1991
Starring: Jill Schoelen, Tom Villard, Dee Wallace, Derek Rydall

Maggie (Jill Schoelen) a college student, has been plagued by strange dreams. She has been writing down her dreams and they're so strange she is considering turning them into a screenplay. She is a member of the film club at her college, they all get together to make a plan to raise some money for the club by having a horror movie marathon at a local theater. The theater they want to used has been closed for about 15 years, since a film culminated in several real murders and a fire. All the students get together to clean up the theater and get it ready for their marathon. While testing the reels, they find a strange short film call the Possessor, it's mostly a close up of an eyeball, but it remind Maggie of her dreams. To make their marathon a success, they set up cools stunts to have during the movie like shock seats, a giant mosquito puppet, and smell-o-vision. 

The night before the show, Maggie's mom Suzanne (Dee Wallace) goes to the closed theatre with a gun. As she approaches the marquee lights come up and the doors open for her. She goes into the theater and shoots at a shadowy figure, but the figure captures her.

The day of the show, all of the club members dress up as different characters to make the marathon really fun and it seems like it's going off well. The first movie, Skeeter is about a giant mosquito and to scare the audience they set up a model mosquito to swing through the theater.  The teacher is running the fake mosquito, but there is a mysterious figure that takes over the remote and the teacher is stabbed by the mosquito. The audience doesn't see this and the killer hides the teacher's body. The real killer then makes a mask of the teacher and pretends to be him. The next victim is a student who has been in a  relationship with the teacher, she goes to kiss him. As she pulls away, her lips rip off the costume revealing the strange mutilated face of the killer.

It turns out the killer is Toby (Tom Villard) one of the students in the film club. It turns out that Toby was a kid during the first fire and he was horribly burned, but survived. He now makes all sorts of masks to be different people. He captures Maggie and wants to finish how the first movie ended with a live murder.  He puts on the movie, the strange one they screened that reminded Maggie of her dreams, then raises the screen the audience is now captive to a real murder, but they think it's just a show. Luckily Maggie's boyfriend Mark (Derek Rydall) comes to the rescue and Toby is killed.

This movie is super fun, it cleverly takes some horror movie tropes and plays around with them in a interesting way. There is a little bit of humor, but the deaths are still gross and weird. Toby is a really strange villain with how they constructed his face to be burned but could still put masks on it. Maggie looks like Lydia Deetz, but that seemed like a popular look at the time. I really like the movies that they played during their marathon: The Stench, Skeeter and The 50 foot electrified Man.

I illustrated by favorite part, the Shock Clock that tells the time that the movies start but also squirts blood out of a heart into a goblet.

Traxx

Watched October 13, 2014

1988
Starring: Shadoe Stevens, Priscilla Barnes, Willard E. Pugh

When I first read the summary on the back of the VHS box I wasn't sure what to think of this movie. It describes Traxx, a disgruntled cop turned mercenary who just does wants to make cookies. I was pleasantly surprised at how this movie takes everything to the max and injects a lot of weird humor into a strange story.

Traxx (Shadoe Stevens) is a cop who gets fed up with the criminals he's catching just ending up back on the street to commit more crimes. He starts taking jobs around the world as a mercenary where he can just kill everyone. He does this for a while but is still dissatisfied, he really wants to start a cookie bakery. He finds a little shack outside of Hadleyville, Texas to begin working on his cookie recipes. Too bad he's a terrible baker, he doesn't know how to put anything together, and he doesn't seem to know how to use an existing recipe. He is evicted from his place and starts looking for work. 

Hadleyville is in the middle of a crime wave, there is rampant prostitution, muggings and drug use is off the charts. The local sheriff has heard of Traxx and hires him to clean up the town. By clean up the town, he gets to shoot anyone he sees committing a crime. Traxx goes on his own spree of gunning down anyone who looks remotely suspicious. He meets Deeter (Willard E. Pugh) running away from some thugs. Deeter teams up with Traxx, so he can get his protection. Traxx is currently homeless since he was kicked out of his rental house so they end up camping near a lake. Traxx continues to try new cookie recipes over the camp stove, but he doesn't seem to get any better.

Traxx is doing a good job cleaning up the town, but the main crime boss Aldo Palucci (Robert Davi) doesn't like it. Aldo gathers his group of crime lords and they decide to hire the Guzik brothers, who are known for their ability to go crazy and take down any enemy, to destroy Traxx.  The Guziks come up from Mexico and the first thing they do is kidnap a whole little league team. They tie the team to their car and head downtown. Luckily, Traxx is ready to take them down in tons of explosions. After the Guziks are taken out, Aldo comes to find Traxx at his camp spot. Trax had just whipped up a batch of Chile Con Cookies, he offers one to Aldo who accepts it. Aldo heads back to his car, rips a big chili cookie fart, then lights his cigar which causes his whole car to explode.

With Aldo out of the picture, the downtown celebrates and throws a big carnival. Traxx has opened his cookie shop, Snaxx by Traxx featuring Puppy Spirals that look like dog shit. I don't know if his cookies are any better, but they townspeople are so grateful they eat them anyway.

There are so many explosions, it's out of control. There is also a great cleaning up the town dance montage. Traxx is a very odd character, it's almost a black comedy because he kills so many people. When they break up the Stud Club, which is a whorehouse not a gay bar, they find a daycare room where there is a nanny taking care of all the working prostitutes kids. It was super fun and crazy, with lots of ridiculous action. A great movie that doesn't take itself seriously which is the only way to enjoy the insanity.

Cat's Eye

Watched December 22, 2013

1985
Starring:  Drew Barrymore, James Woods, Alan King, Kenneth McMillan, Robert Hays.

At this point, I'm a little wary of horror anthologies, it's just hard to get invested in shorter stories even when they are filled with stars. The only one I really like is The Willies, because kids are telling the stories so you know they'll be kind of silly. This one is tied together through a cat's adventures.

We're introduced to the cat in New York, he's running around on the street when captured by a random guy. Dick Morrison (James Woods) is sick of smoking so he heads to Quitters, Inc. The waiting room is super intense, a guy is ripping his hair out with nerves, then his wife comes out and she looks likes she's been ravaged. Dick gets the rundown on how Quitters, Inc. works, they basically watch you all the time so they know if you smoke. Now the cat comes back into the picture, the guy that captured the cat works at Quitters, Inc. The cat is now is a glass walled room, they flip a switch and the floor is electrified so we see the cat jumping around, getting electrocuted. Dick is informed that the first time he smokes, his wife will be thrown in this room. The second time he smokes his young daughter will get the shock floor, the third offense means they'll rape his wife. Dick really wants to quit so he agrees to these ridiculous terms. He goes to a work party where everyone is smoking and he hallucinates that people are cigarettes, but he makes it out without taking a puff. He does well for awhile but then while stuck in traffic he sneaks a cigarette, thinking there's no chance that someone will see him, but he's wrong. The consequences then unfold.

The cat manages to escape the electrified room and gets on a truck headed to Atlantic City. At the entrance to a casino, the cat tries to cross a street that is very busy with traffic. A couple bets Cressner (Kenneth McMillan) that the cat will die, but he thinks the cat will make it. The cat causes a major car accident but does make it across the street alive. Cressner goes to his penthouse, where his goons have kidnapped Johnny Norris (Robert Hays) the man his wife has been cheating on him with. Since Cressner is a betting man, he gives Johnny some options. Johnny has to walk around the ledge of the building and Cressner will let him have his wife and a bunch of money, if he doesn't do it Cressner will frame him for murder or drug trafficking or something. The penthouse must be at least 20 stories up. Johnny takes the challenge and begins his walk on the ledge. He runs into many obstacles aside from just trying to not fall off the building. Cressner taunts him and blasts him with a firehose, and a pigeon keeps pecking at his foot. Amazingly, Johnny makes it, but Cressner planned for this and tells his henchman to shoot him. Johnny gets the gun, shoots the henchman and makes Cressner walk the ledge.

The cat gets on a train and heads down south somewhere. He finds a nice residential home where he meets Amanda (Drew Barrymore) who immediately wants to adopt him. At the same time that the cat find the house, a troll runs in and makes a cave in Amanda's bedroom wall. The mom, Sally Ann (Candy Clark) hates cats and she thinks the cat will smother Amanda in her sleep and take her breath. Little do they they know that that is the Troll's plan and the cat was protecting Amanda. Sally Ann takes the cat to a shelter but escapes in time to battle the troll as it tries to take Amanda's breath. The cat wins in the end and finds a new home.

The troll versus cat fight scene is really good, it's worth sitting through the other stories to get to that one. I would give an animal Oscar to the cat for excellent cat acting. I thought that Cressner looked like that disgusting syphilis sore Baron Harokonnen from Dune and once I looked it up I was right, Kenneth McMillan played them both. There are lots of little funny bits that make this enjoyable. I have read some of Stephen King's short story collections, they're good and they work for TV episodes I just have a hard time when they're jammed together to make full length movie.

Light Blast

Watched December 15, 2013

1985
Starring: Erik Estrada, Ennio Girolami, Michael Pritchard, Peggy Rowe.

I'd never heard of this movie before but Jen's boyfriend was excited to share it with us, so we all headed over to his place to watch it. In preparation I watched the trailer on youtube so I had some hints that it involved lasers, dune buggy's and car chases.

It begins with two teens, a guy and a girl, hanging in a train yard. They are flirting with each other and once they get to a certain car they begin having sex. Little do they know that there is some test going on, we see a giant LED clock flash the hour, then a laser blast and their bodies are melted into oblivion.

The location of the train yard is unknown, but the next scene gives us the setting of San Francisco. A bank is being held up by two guys, they have taken hostages and they're surrounded by the police. They rattle off their demands including having some lunch brought to them by a specific cop, but they include the detail that the cop has to be naked. We see some nude legs walking towards the bank, the meal is revealed to be a roast turkey surrounded by french fries. Inspector Ronn Warren (Erik Estrada) is the cop who is delivering the lunch, it is revealed that he is wearing black briefs. The robbers laugh at him, then he pushes out a gun that was hidden in the turkey and shoots them. What a cop!

At a race track, the same evil laser guy sets up his laser and ends up killing a lot of the audience at the track. Since this is the second laser melting it comes to the attention of police, plus the mayor receives a letter from the laser scientist. Dr. Yuri Soboda (Ennio Girolami) developed this crazy water powered laser and now he wants $10 million dollars or he'll use it to destroy San Francisco. Ronn and his partner are on the case. The rest of the movie is various car chases and shootouts until Ronn tracks down Dr. Soboda and watches him be destroyed by his own invention.

I do enjoy action movies but I often have a harder time with older ones, so this movie was fun but I can't say I loved it. There is a fantastic death scene from an old lady in curlers and a housecoat, very melodramatic. Erik Estrada basically uses a turkey gun, which is nuts. It's always fun to see some locations in the bay area, it's changed so much since the '80s that it's hard to tell where everything is. From a tiny bit of research it seems like it was an Italian production but at least to me it looks like a lot of is was actually shot in and around San Francisco.

Fright Night

Watched November 11, 2013

1985
Starring: Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, Amanda Bearse, Roddy McDowall

I picked up Fright Night 2 while in Portland digging through the Goodwill bins, but I'd never seen the first one. Luckily, Jen had a VHS copy to loan me so I could catch up before we watch the sequel. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed this movie, it was a treat after all the crap I usually watch.

Charley (William Ragsdale) in a regular teen who lives in a normal suburban neighborhood. He's a big fan of Fight Night, a horror show on TV hosted by Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowall). He's got a sweet girlfriend Amy (Amanda Bearse) who he's pressuring to go all the way, but she's not ready. 

One night he notices that someone is moving into the empty house next door. He sees a coffin being brought into the house and is immediately suspicious. Charley continues to watch his neighbor and becomes convinced he is a vampire, after all he watches Fright Night all the time and he knows the signs. The new neighbor Jerry (Chris Sarandon) sees Charley spying on him in the bushes, so he later tries to kill Charley by throwing him out the window. Obviously Charley is right that Jerry is a vampire. Charley tells this to Amy but she is doubtful, to quell his fears she pays Peter Vincent to come over to Jerry's house to help prove that Jerry isn't a vampire. They get Jerry to drink fake holy water, so it appears that he isn't a vampire. Charley is still suspicious but he doesn't have any more proof, so he leaves with Amy and his crazy friend Evil Ed (Stephen Geoffreys). 

The night is not over yet, Jerry is aware that Charley knows his secret. Jerry bites Evil Ed, turning him into the goofiest vampire ever, with amazingly huge teeth and fangs. Peter Vincent goes home, thinking that it's all a silly joke, but then he's attacked by Evil Ed.  Meanwhile Amy and Charley are trying to run away from Jerry, they try to lose him in a night club. Jerry is very attracted to Amy, she looks likes one of his former lovers. In the club, Jerry casts a seduction spell on Amy and takes her back to his house. Peter Vincent is now convinced that vampires are real, Evil Ed turns into a wolf to attack him but Peter stabs him. There is a fantastic sequence of Evil Ed morphing from a wolf back to vampire as he dies.

Peter and Charley meet up to head into Jerry's house to get Amy back. Jerry has bitten Amy and leaves her to painfully transform into a vampire. Peter and Charley are confronted by Jerry's bodyguard, they shoot him multiple times but he keeps coming back. Finally they stab him and he melts into green goo and a skeleton that fades away, it's awesome. Now they have to get Jerry who can escape them as a bat and as fog, plus Amy is now a vampire. Peter is convinced they can save Amy by killing Jerry before sunrise. Jerry retreats to the basement as the sun is beginning to rise, and it seems that all is done for our heroes. Through chance they break a blacked out window that begins to let in the sun, they continue to break windows until Jerry is blasted with sunlight and destroyed.

This movie is great! The special effects are excellent. Chris Sarandon is so good as the vampire. I love the over the top vampire teeth on Evil Ed and Amy. I highly recommend this movie, it's funny and scary. If the sequel is even half as good I will enjoy it, so stayed tuned for Fright Night 2.

Sleepaway Camp

Watched October 6, 2013

1983
Starring: Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten, Karen Fields, Christopher Collet, Katherine Kamhi

In the last couple of months we've watched several of my favorite movies and I don't mind at all. Sleepaway Camp is another movie I first saw in my teens and absolutely loved. I would obsess with my best friend about the strange flash back scenes that Angela has of her parents and of her brother. We even made a short movie for our drama class that combined Sleepaway Camp with Blood Feast. If you've seen it or not, I'm not gonna spoil the super amazing ending here, so don't worry.

It begins with a summer lakeside boating accident. A father is playing with his two young kids on a little boat. But the kids are little tricksters and they push their dad off the boat, making it tip over. They all have life vests on so it's all good fun. Some teens are waterskiing nearby and they are totally goofing off like teens are prone to do. The teens don't see that the boat has flipped over and they run over it, killing the dad and one of the kids.

Ten years later, we learn that it was the little girl Angela who survived and she has been raised by her totally crazy aunt. This is the first year that Angela (Felissa Rose) will get to go to camp with her cousin Ricky (Jonathan Tiersten.) They head off to Camp Arawak, it looks much like the same spot where Angela's dad was killed. The camp is filled with councilors who look over 30, and most everyone wears tiny shorts and for the guys, even tinier crop tops. 

Angela is a quiet girl who has a hard time fitting in. Judy (Karen Fields) is one of her cabin mates and she is a huge bitch to Angela, and everyone. Even one of the councilors, Meg (Katherine Kamhi) gives Angela a hard time about being quiet and not participating. At the mess hall, one of the nicer councilors notices that Angela isn't eating so he takes her to get some ice cream. A pedophile cook takes Angela into the back to get some ice cream and is about to molest her when Ricky shows up and saves her. Shortly after the incident, the cook is standing on a chair, salting a giant vat of boiling water. Someone pulls the chair out from under him and he is drenched in the boiling water, getting 3rd degree burns all over his body. The camp director Mel (Mike Kellin) plays it off as an accident and doesn't tell the campers about it. 

Campers continue to get murdered and Mel continues to play the deaths off as accidents. Angela is still shy but suprisingly opens up and talks to Paul (Christopher Collet) a nice friend of Ricky's. Paul and Angela hang out a couple times and it all seems to be going well. One night after dinner, Paul gives Angela a tiny kiss, but she totally freaks out and runs away. 

Angela gets it together and invites Paul to meet her on the beach after the big camp social. This is where everything gets crazy. Mel is trying to figure out who the killer is without alarming all the campers, and he suspects Ricky. Meg is stabbed while taking a shower right before she was supposed to meet Mel for a date. It seems like half the camp is murdered that night. Finally we see who the crazed camp killer has been all along and it's completely surprising.

The twist ending really makes the movie special and memorable. Watch it for yourself to find out, there's good reason this movie has a crazy cult following. I know it just may seem like a camp slasher flick but it has so much more, you just have to see it to believe.

I hadn't looked up Sleepaway Camp  before on IMDB and I was completely surprised to find out that the actor who plays Paul also played Gary Lee in Prayer of the Roller Boys! That's another favorite due to a brief obsession with Corey Haim, so I'm sure I'll force everyone to watch it again with me.

Star Time

Watched June 17, 2013

1992
Starring: Michael St. Gerard, John P. Ryan, Maureen Teefy.

Rough stuff. The back of the box reveals the twist ending, which sucks because it's the only thing this movie has going for it. At the same time, if I hadn't read the synopsis I would have had even less of a clue to what's supposed to be happening in this movie. It's a terrible art house drama that is slow and difficult to watch, IMDB says it's a horror movie, but I think it barely fits in that genre.

We meet Henry (Michael St. Gerard) as he's walking onto the roof of a building where he plans on jumping off to commit suicide. While on the building, a strange older man, Sam Bones (John P. Ryan) shows up and talks him down off the ledge. Sam Bones becomes a mentor to Henry. I guess Henry became suicidal when his favorite TV show was cancelled; it was a Leave It To Beaver style black and white family show. Sam convinces Henry that now it's his time to shine and become a TV star. From Sam's viewpoint, the best way to get on TV is to become a serial killer. Henry obviously has a lot of problems, we see flashbacks of his meetings with his social worker, Wendy (Maureen Teefy). These sessions don't seem to help Henry much, he gives in to Sam Bones pressure to kill people pretty easily. 

Henry puts on a crazy baby face mask, grabs an ax and starts his killing spree. He kills a bunch of people and does make it on TV. I don't think that it helps him with his problems at all. He continues to see Wendy but I don't think she really is helping him work through his problems either. She also doesn't put it together that he's the serial killer that's been on the news. There are all these strange flashes on multiple TV screens with naked ladies telling Henry that they'll be his once he kills. The best part of the movie for me, were the fake commercials, including one for donuts that come in a handy single serving box.

SPOILER: It wraps up with Henry trying to help Wendy escape from Sam Bones, only to figure out that Sam Bones is a figment of Henry's imagination. Henry is pushed off the roof of Wendy's apartment building but is still somewhat alive at the end. The ambulance arrives as Wendy, a witness, runs away. The last scene is Henry in a gurney by the ambulance but everyone is gone? As the credits roll, a crazy free jazz song about star time plays.

There is a lot of nonsensical dialogue between Henry and Sam, maybe that's supposed to be a tip off that Sam Bones is just a figment of Henry's imagination. This movie does contain a fair amount of naked ladies show on the TV screens that entice Henry to kill, but it's mostly just creepy. Henry does kill a lot of people, but they're all strangers and you don't see much of the murders.  His social worker is completely inept, but she is played by the director's wife, so it was a labor of love. This crazy movie was nominated for the 1992 Sundance Film Festival Grand Jury Prize, what!? 

Joysticks

Watched April 21, 2013

1983
Starring: Leif Green, Jim Greenleaf, Scott McGinnis, Jon Gries, Corinne Bohrer.

Nerdy Eugene (Leif Green) has just gotten a job at the arcade working the snack counter. All the teens in town love hanging out in the arcade, partially because of all the great games and partially because it's managed by young, hot Jefferson (Scott McGinnis).  Patsy (Corinne Bohrer) is a perfect young valley girl who loves the arcade, but her dad Mr. Rutter (Joe Don Baker) thinks it's a den of filth and sex. Mr. Rutter is trying to shut down the arcade with the help of his two nitwit assistants. It comes down to a city council meeting to figure out if they can shut down the arcade. So many of the teens really love it and they don't have any other place to hang out. The city council doesn't really do anything but Jefferson challenges Mr. Rutter to a video game. If Mr. Rutter wins, Jefferson will shut down the arcade but if Jefferson wins they'll keep it open. Mr. Rutter can have anyone play for him and he chooses King Vidiot. King Vidiot (Jon Gries) is an awesome punk who's obsessed with the arcade. He doesn't want it shut down, but Mr. Rutter promises him and his female posse mini-motorbikes and he just can't say no.

Jefferson hasn't been able to play any video games since he lost his virginity with his girlfriend and her dad walked in on them. His girlfriend was forced to move away and he whenever he looks at a video screen he sees the dad's angry face. McDorfus (Jim Greenleaf) is a fat slob who is always at the arcade and is the best player around. He is chosen by Jefferson to take his place during the challenge. Mr. Rutter's henchmen learn this and kidnap McDorfus so Jefferson is forced to play during the big showdown. Jefferson rises to the challenge and starts out strong but towards the end King Vidiot is winning. At the last minute, McDorfus frees himself and shows up to win the big battle of Super Pac Man.  The arcade is saved and all the teens rejoice.

 I love valley girls so Patsy was great for me, every word out of her mouth was fantastic.  This movie falls firmly into the T&A teen sex comedies of the 1980's but with the added bonus of video games. You get to see boobs right away and continually throughout the movie. No one actually has sex, but there is a working hot tub inside a van. The soundtrack is alright but I wish they would have used some of the Bruckner and Garcia video game songs, they wrote Pac Man Fever and many others.  The DVD that I watched was still pretty poor quality with the lighting being really dark most of the time. I did enjoy it but I think if I had seen it when I was a teen I would have loved it.

Sweet Sixteen

Watched March 7, 2013

1983
Starring: Aleisa Shirley, Bo Hopkins, Susan Strasberg, Dana Kimmell, Steve Antin

 This movie has a hard time dealing with establishing shots that actually build on the story. It begins with Melissa (Aleisa Shirley) taking a shower. Yeah, boobs within the first couple of minutes. Even though the actress is obviously not 15, it's creepy to think that she is supposed to be and the first view we get of her is her naked body, yuck. I'm totally for nudity in crappy movies, but not when it's supposed to be underage. The we cut to a bar fight! This small Texas town makes it obvious that they only have a couple native American Indians living there, but they hate them. Melissa is then seen trying to pick up dudes in the parking lot of the bar, but there is some sort of presence that follows her around. The dude she makes out with is then mysteriously stabbed multiple times.

It turns out that Melissa's dad is an archaeologist who is working on a dig near the town, so he relocated his family there.  His wife (Susan Strasberg) used to live in the town but moved away long ago. Melissa is a total horn dog, trying to have sex with every dude she meets. I know she's suppose to be lonely and beautiful, but she's pretty terrible and dull.  Every guy that Melissa tries to have sex with ends up dead. The sheriff (Bo Hopkins) begins to investigate these murders and immediately blames Greyfeather, one of the two Indians who live in town. Greyfeather is so distraught by this that he hangs himself. So they move onto pinning the blame on Jason Longshadow (Don Shanks) the younger Indian dude. 

The sheriff has two kids Marci (Dana Kimmell) and Hank (Steve Antin) who are the same age as Melissa. Marci is a junior sleuth who tries to help her dad find the killer. They ride around town trying to figure out who did it. Marci calls Melissa out at the funeral for the two boys who were murdered, then she becomes Melissa's friend for some reason. The next week is Melissa's sweet sixteen BBQ and the whole town is invited. Meanwhile the sheriff has been doing his job investigating the murder, while this lady is trying to marry him. He checks out microfiche of some murders and a suicide that occurred in the town some years ago but have some similar patterns to the current murders. It all culminates at the super sweet sixteen BBQ. Hank and Melissa go off skinny dipping, but then Melissa runs out of the water for no apparent reason. She is then almost raped by some perverts. Hank tries to help her, but he's useless and gets knocked out. Luckily the murderer comes out of nowhere and saves Melissa. SPOILER: the murderer is Melissa's crazy mom! Apparently Melissa's grandfather was a nutjob who either molested or tried to kill Melissa's mom. Anyway so Melissa's mom had been killing all those guys as a way to protect her daughter, she kept seeing her father in them. The movie ends with Melissa's mom being captured, but then Melissa walks into the house with a knife and a crazy look on her face. I'm not sure if you're supposed to assume that Melissa is just about to kill herself or that there will be a sequel with Melissa as the killer.
 
I had a fun time watching this movie. Marci has an amazing double take reaction shot when she first uncovers a body. There are some awesome hairstyles and a crazy custom song about "Melissa."  The dvd did have some super killer trailers on it from Code Red DVD. I can't wait to find Stunt Rock and Nightmare!

Miami Connection

Watched November 5, 2012
Special Terrible Movie Night field trip, we watched this on the big screen at the Roxie Theater in San Francisco.

1987
Starring: Y.K. Kim, Vincent Hirsch, Joseph Diamand, Maurice Smith, Angelo Janotti and Kathy Collier.

Yet another gem being released by Drafthouse Films, we caught this just in time as it was making its theatrical run in the bay area.  I was unaware of who Y.K. Kim was/is but was informed by a video before the the film he's a Taekwondo master, motivational speaker and author.  Notice that I didn't count actor in those credits, nonetheless he still wrote, directed and starred in this movie.

It begins somewhere in Florida where a shipment of cocaine is being received by some drug dealers. Suddenly a bunch of ninja show up and beat up everyone and steal the drugs. Unlike a lot of other 80's movies, the ninjas are the bad guys in this one. We then meet our heroes: Dragon Sound, a totally rockin' band that just got a new gig playing the hottest club in town. These five guys are not only in the band together but they all go to Central Florida University. Plus they're all orphans and masters of Taekwondo.

The band that previously had the highly coveted gig are totally pissed that they aren't the house band anymore so they physically attack Dragon Sound.  All the guys in Dragon Sound hold their own and kick some ass.  John (Vincent Hirsch) is dating Jane (Kathy Collier) who has just joined the band as another singer. Jane's brother Jeff (William Eagle) is tied to the evil ninjas and when he first meets John he punches him in the face for no reason.

With the initial set up of a drug deal, I would think that this movie would be about Dragon Sound busting up a drug ring, it's not. It just about some Taekwondo dudes fighting some ninjas. We get to see Dragon Sound play three full songs. They all go on a beach romp together. All the Dragon Sound orphans live at home and there is a subplot about Jim (Maurice Smith) finding his dad that is pretty rad. The last epic battle has Mark (Y.K. Kim)  defeating a ton of ninjas, specifically killing the white ninja who was the ringleader.

The sound is terrible, there are super obvious dubs that don't line up with the actor's mouths. There is a scene where Jeff and the white ninja hang out with some bikers that is ridiculous. There is a fair amount of filler and terrible acting. Jack (Joseph Diamand) gives a pretty great monologue about all the orphans going on a world tour to the countries of their heritage.  Overall it's very silly and fun because it's so ridiculous.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Watched October 1, 2012

1988
Starring Grant Cramer,  Suzanne Snyder,  John Allen Nelson and John Vernon.

This was my first time watching this movie, which I know is a bit of a shocker since it's such a cult classic. I'm not actually afraid of clowns, but I'm not really into them either.  Even though I've looked at the cover of the VHS a million times over the years I never picked it up. 

It begins at make out point, where we meet Debbie (Suzanne Snyder) and Mike (Grant Cramer) who are drinking wine and laying in a blow up raft. They see a shooting star land that appears to have landed close to them so they naturally go check it out. Instead of a flaming meteorite, they find a giant circus tent where the meteor landed. They walk inside the tent and check it out and it's a fun house circus of sorts but they don't see any clowns. They find a room full of cotton candy and it all seems harmless until they rip open a cotton candy sack to find a dead human. The clowns show up and Debbie and Mike just barely make it out of the circus tent alive.

Debbie and Mike head to the police department to get Dave (John Allen Nelson), an officer and Debbie's former boyfriend. Dave reluctantly decides to check out the crazy story that Debbie and Mike tell him about killer clowns, but they have to dump Debbie back at home first. Since she's a girl she can't go check out supposed killer clown happenings.

While Mike and Dave are back trying to find the circus tent, the clowns descend on the town. They use all sorts of goofy ways to lure people to their death. They show up with pizza at the door and then kill a lingerie clad lady.  One of the best kills are a clown that confronts a bunch of bikers and then punches head right off of a biker dude. Another is a clown that is making shadow puppets for a group of people at a bus stop and he create a shadow dinosaur that actually swallows all the people. There is also a great almost miss where a clown is hanging outside of a Chuck-E-Cheese type establishment trying to lure a little girl. The girl is sitting by two very terrible moms who obviously hate being parents, we think they are so distracted they don't see the little girl walking outside, but at the last minute her mom catches her, and saves her from certain death.

Mike shows Dave where they first saw the tent, but the tent has disappeared so Dave doesn't believe the story. They go back to make-out point and all the cars are still there but no one is around. Dave checks in a car and finds a cotton candy residue.  Dave now believes that something crazy is happening. Dave heads back to the sheriff department where his crotchety old partner has been killed by a clown. Through happenstance Dave figures out the only way to kill the clowns is to shoot them in the nose.

 Debbie is still at her house taking a shower for a good portion of the movie. Once she gets out of the shower, popcorn that the clowns had shot at her turns into snake clowns that try to eat her. A bunch of clowns have descended on her house and capture her in a balloon instead of immediately killing her.  Luckily Mike and Dave and two ice cream truck idiots see this happen and try to chase her down. It turns out that the clowns had relocated their tent to the amusement park which is where they take Debbie.

The showdown occurs in the circus tent, where they find the balloon that Debbie is trapped in. The ice cream truck idiots find two clown ladies to make out with. Mike and Dave try to fight the clowns but then the mega monster clown shows up while the circus tent is trying to take off.  Mike and Debbie make it out alive, but it seems like Dave is trapped trying to fight the clown monster. The circus tent space ship explodes and it seems like Dave didn't make it, but he pops out at the last minute. It ends with pies being thrown in our heroes faces.

I enjoyed this movie, it's fun and silly. None of the kills are very scary but for all the goofy clown business all the actors took their roles seriously. The clown costumes and make up are awesome, I think it still stands up 25 years later.  The comic relief of the idiot ice cream truck dudes is pretty terrible and I'm someone that loves bad puns, but they aren't in the movie too much so it's alright.

Yor The Hunter from the Future

Watched September 24, 2012

1983
Starring Reb Brown, Corinne Clery, Luciano Pigozzi and Carole Andre

Even though the cover of the VHS is awesome I was worried that it would be one of those caveman movies that has a lot of slow parts between the action. Boy was I wrong, this movie is action packed and awesome!

It begins with Yor (Reb Brown) prancing through the desert to his theme song. He stumbles upon some forest people just as a Triceratops starts attacking them. Yor is an awesome fighter so he kills the Triceratops. The forest people invite Yor to celebrate and eat the dinosaur. At the feast Yor meets Ka-Laa (Corrine Clery) and they are instantly into each other. Suddenly the less developed blue cave people show up and massacre the forest people, capturing the women and killing all the men and children. Pag (Luciano Pigozzi) and Yor are the only survivors aside from the captured women.  Pag and Yor head to the blue people's cave to save Ka-Laa. On the way they are attacked again by the cave people, Pag is captured and Yor is thrown off a cliff.  Yor shakes it off and climbs back up the cliff.  He then grabs onto a bat and uses it to fly to the blue cave people's cave where he saves Pag and Ka-laa. 

Yor has this strange medallion on his neck, and the forest people know of a woman who has the same medallion. Yor, Pag and Ka-laa head off to find that women but then they are captured by sand people in the desert. Yor kills all the sand people and the medallion women explains that there is an island which has the answers that Yor wants.  Ka-laa is insanely jealous of the medallion woman and she tries to kill her, but then a blue caveman shows up and actually kills the medallion woman.

Yor, Ka-laa and Pag continue on their adventure and make it to the beach where they save some kids. The beach community rewards them with a boat that they use to get to the island. It turns out the island is the future and all the different cave people are experiments of the Overlord (John Steiner).  With the help of the some of the future people, Yor destroys the Overlord and escapes with Ka-laa and Pag in an spaceship to start over.

The wigs are fantastic in this movies, especially Yor's and all the cave kids. Ka-laa just has some amazing hair in general. There are a lot of parts that are directly inspired by Star Wars, but it's still really fun to watch. 

Deadly Friend

Watched August 28, 2012

1986

Starring Matthew Labyorteaux, Kristy Swanson, Michael Sharrett, and Anne Ramsey.

I had previously seen the epic scene where robot Kristy Swanson throws a ball at Anne Ramsey's head and it explodes, then decapitated Anne Ramsey's body still walks around the room for a minute before dying. That scene is super amazing, so I figured why not watch the whole movie. 

Paul (Matthew Labyorteaux) and his mom move into a new neighborhood. There is no mention to what the deal is with Paul's dad, but whatever the reason he's not around. Paul is a friendless genius who is working on a project at the University. He has a bright yellow robot buddy named BB, I'm not sure if he built BB, but I assume he did. BB doesn't have a synth-y awesome robot voice, he has a creepy gremlin voice that he mumbles half words with, mostly just saying his name. For the first time Paul finds a friend in his neighbor Sam (Kristy Swanson). But Sam has a big secret, her dad beats the crap out of her regularly. 

While playing basketball, their ball falls into the yard of their neighbor Elvira (Anne Ramsey). They try to get it, and Elvira pulls a gun on them because she hates visitors and anyone trying to get into her locked yard. On Halloween, they decide to get their basketball back.  BB figures out the combo to the lock on the fence and they break in.  Elvira hear them, grabs her gun and shoots BB a million times with a shotgun destroying it. Paul is very distraught about losing his robot friend. I don't understand why he just can't rebuild BB. Paul and him mom have Sam over for dinner.  Paul walks her home and kisses her. Once at home, Sam's dad freaks out and pushes her down the stairs and she breaks her neck. Paul is again devastated, he has just lost his robot and now his girlfriend is brain dead at the hospital. 

At the University he has been doing some tests on brain reanimation. Paul thinks that he can bring Sam back to life. So Paul and his other friend Tom (Michael Sharrett) drug his mom so they can sneak off to the hospital. Paul and Tom break into the hospital and steal Sam's body just as she is being taken off life support. Paul puts BB's chip into Sam's head and she comes back to life. Sam comes back as half Sam and half BB, but she can't talk so she appears to be mostly robot.  Paul is mainly just trying to hide her from everyone because I don't think he really thought this whole thing through. BB had some rage issues so Sam pretty much immediately kills her dad. Sam lures him down to the basement with a bottle of booze and then pushes him into the furnace. Paul finds this out and hides the body of the dad in a coal bin. 

I can't figure out why Paul doesn't try to make out with Sam. Why bring back your girlfriend if she can't talk and you're not going to try to have sex with her. Sam continues on her killing rampage and destroys Elvira with a basketball in the best scene of the movie.  Elvira had called the cops before she was killed, they show up and try to catch Sam.  Sam tries to run away while switching back and forth between BB and Sam modes. Her voice comes back but it's really BB's voice so all she can say is BB, which is pretty great.  Paul shows up just in time to watch Sam get shot. You think that this is the end but Paul tries again to bring her back and the final scene is Sam killing Paul. Good riddance in my opinion, Paul was pretty much the worst. He brought Sam back from the dead and didn't even try to explain what was happening to her. He just hid her in the garage or the attic.

The end credits run with a song that is just the voice of BB saying BB in different ways, it's pretty amazing. I did enjoy this movie, the basketball scene alone makes it worth it. I don't really feel for Paul that much, I was more bummed about Sam's situation with being a reanimated robot girl who was murdered by her abusive father.

Never Too Young to Die

Watched July 2, 2012

1986
Starring John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons and George Lazenby

I bought this at a thrift store a couple years ago based on the awesome box art.  I was completely sold by the back description of Gene Simmons playing the evil hermaphrodite villain Ragnar. This movie is pretty nuts, and I love it. It's trying to be a son of James Bond type of adventure/action movie.

George Lazenby plays deadbeat dad/super spy Drew Stargrove to John Stamos's Lance. Drew dies trying to foil the plan of Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons) to poison the water supply.  Lance finds out his dad is a secret agent at the funeral and inherits a ranch retreat.  Lance wants to find out how his dad really died,  he is told it was a car accident, but he knows something is up.  He goes to the ranch house where he finds all sorts of secret weapons.  Danja (Vanity) lives there,  I guess she was Drew's assistant.  She makes a point to tell Lance that she didn't sleep with his dad.  So Lance teams up with Danja and tries to thwart Ragnar's plans to poison the water supply.  Ragnar has a whole army of punk warriors that are sent to retrieve the disk that Drew stole before his death, as it is believed that the disk was sent to Lance. The disk is referred to as RAMcakes, which is really weird.  One of the greatest scenes is when Stamos is trying to not be seduced by Vanity, he does this by changing outfits, eating fruit and drinking bottled water. They do finally do it though, so don't worry. Luckily,  Lance is a gymnastic whiz he takes to spy work really quickly and in the end saves the day and the water supply.

There are several songs written just for the movie, one about Stargrove and another about being never too young to die. Both are fantastic additions to the excellent 80's soundtrack.

This is a movie I have watched several times and I plan to watch again. It's got action, punks, motorcycles with horse heads, hermaphrodite Gene Simmons, Uncle Jesse and Vanity which is a perfect combination for a good time.

Not available on dvd that I'm aware of,  but it's worth searching for on VHS.