Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Amanda and the Alien

Watched September 4, 2017

Starring: Nicole Eggert, Stacy Keach, Michael Dorn

Oakland Military Facility
Two aliens are captured and the military and FBI are trying to figure out how to kill them. In their holding cell, the aliens look like a human man and woman. The woman turns into a leathery blob,  slides under the door and consumes one of the guards. Consume to the alien means that they both eat and take over the body. So the alien is now in a male guard body. The male guard/alien goes to get a sandwich in the lunchroom, that's where it runs into Connie (Alex Meneses). The alien consumes Connie, takes the body and her car and leaves the facility for San Francisco.

Amanda (Nicole Eggert) is a young college student. She lives at home but her parents are gone all the time, so it's almost like she lives alone. She works at a clothing store called the Fashion Mill. Amanda works with two girls who seem to be her friends but she also doesn't seem to like them at all. While they work they all talk about their weekend plans, including poetry slams and raves. Amanda is supposed to hear from her on/off boyfriend Charlie (Michael Bendetti). Amanda is an aspiring artist. Charlie calls to say he's hanging out with his cousin this weekend, that's why he can't do something with Amanda. It's pretty sketchy because Charlie is seen kissing this cousin. Amanda funnels her rage into some terrible art.

Amanda heads to her local beatnik coffee shop. There are a lot of close up shots of lattes, cappuccinos and other coffee drinks being made, along with making sandwiches. Amanda is sketching a woman in the shop, it happen to be Connie the alien's current body. Somehow Amanda knows that this woman is the alien, it doesn't make any sense how.  But Amanda approaches this lady and lets her know that she can help her hide. It's been on the news that the cops are looking for a mysterious person. There is a weird show of the hot coffee cup ripping the skin off Connie's alien hands. Amanda takes the alien Connie home with her. Somehow it's still daytime, this is the longest day.

Amanda helps the alien Connie take a shower, which leads to the alien masturbating when Amanda tells her to wash her private parts. After the shower, Amanda makes the alien a peanut butter, tomato and pickle sandwich. This is where the alien explains that it consumes only live things, like people. That is why it came to Earth in the first place, to see if they could farm it for food. In the kitchen, the alien lady discovers paprika, which causes her to orgasm. The alien lady needs to eat someone, since it's been in this lady body for awhile and it's are getting hungry. First Amanda suggests going to club to meet some dudes, but then Charlie calls because he left some CDs at Amanda's house. Amanda arranges for Charlie to come pick up the CD while the lady alien is there, so the lady alien can consume him.

Amanda heads back to the coffee shop while the lady alien waits for Charlie. Charlie comes over, immediately hits on lady alien, they have sex and afterward she consumes him. During this sex/coffee shop scene, they keep cutting back and forth and they use the milk steamer as a visual for the sex that Charlie and the lady alien are having.

Amanda goes back to the house to find the alien in Charlie's body, and she is very attracted to the body. Amanda takes Charlie to the coffee shop and they meet some of Amanda's friends, who just think it's Charlie. Then Amanda takes Charlie to make-out point, then back home where they have sex. But the cops are on their trail, since the alien is basically killing people, even though they mostly just disappear. The alien has to get to the Hollywood sign to be taken home, but they are currently in San Francisco. They drive to Bakersfield to spend the night. Amanda and Charlie/alien stop at a weird theme hotel and have some paprika sex.

The cops/FBI find Amanda and Charlie/alien at the hotel but Amanda pretends to be the alien while the Charlie body hides in the closet. They take Amanda into custody and lock her in a van, then the alien takes over the Liutentent Vint (Michael Dorn) body. Amanda is in the truck that Vint is driving, they ditch the other cop and head towards LA. Amanda and Vint/alien end up at a truck stop and need to ditch the van. Amanda uses her charm to get a trucker to give them a ride to LA. In the morning they are dropped off near the sign. Emmitt Mallory (Stacy Keach) follows them and once they are dropped off the SWAT team surrounds them. Vint is shot by Emmitt, but the alien is able to consume Emmitt before he dies. The trucker comes back and saves Amanda and Emmitt/alien from the SWAT team and drops them off much closer to the Hollywood sign.

Emmitt turns back into an alien blob, but not before it mind melds with Amanda and gives her an unnamed gift.  Amanda heads back home, she goes on a crazy talk show about peoples with experiences with aliens. She is still working at the Fashion Mill, but she has to get more questioning by the FBI. Her paintings get a little better, perhaps that's her gift from the alien.

I love the '90s vibe that the movie starts with, there is some great fashion or just talking about raves and poetry slams is pretty great. Amanda has some great fashion montages too. That's where my interest ends. The characters aren't every interesting, so there journey is hard to get invested in. The sex is gross. It should have gone either stronger with the horror alien aspect or just gone into porn territory, but it just falls into a bland middle ground.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Witchboard 2

Watched July 29, 2017

Starring; Ami Dolenz, Timothy Gibbs, Laraine Newman, John Gatins

A friend sent me this, even though the first Witchboard isn't very good. It was also a video store promo copy, so it was watermarked at the bottom throughout. Because of that at the beginning of the VHS we got to see the Witchboard 2 trailer plus a horror four pack to sell at your video store. Including Howling 2, The Hills have Eyes 2, Dawn of the Dead and ?Hound of Satan

Paige (Ami Dolenz) is CPA who has always wanted to be an artist. She breaks up with her cop boyfriend Mitch (Timothy Gibbs) moves out and rents an artist's loft. The landlord is super hippy Elaine (Laraine Newman) along with her handyman husband Toby. Elaine's brother, Russel (John Gatins) also lives in the complex, he's a photographer. As Paige unpacks and sets up her place, she finds a Ouija board in the closet. It strangely moves on its own, so she is compelled to give it a try. Using the board, Paige connects with Susan Sydney, a ghost who tells her that Paige will get the promotion at work. Paige is pretty shy at work and Carla, the other woman up for the same promotion is trying to sabotage her. Carla has stolen one of Paige's client files and Paige is aware but can't stand up to her.

Toby is working in the basement of the building when he is attacked by a floating ax and flying saw blades. He escapes into the boiler room only to be steamed to death.

By talking with Susan, Paige gets some confidence to be more assertive at work. She calls out Carla for hiding the file. Then Paige takes up Russel on his offer to photograph her. With her new ghost confidence, Paige start dressing sexier too. All this time, her ex-boyfriend Mitch is trying to get back together with her. Mitch helps look up info about Susan Sydney, since Paige shares that she has been contacting her.

Paige uses the board with Elaine and Russell and they get a hint to where Susan's body is buried. Mitchell doesn't find a death certificate for Susan or a forwarding address, so he's not sure that Paige is really taking to the ghost of Susan. In the middle of the night, Paige and Russel try to find Susan's burial ground, somewhere in the woods. Mitch finds them instead and Russel warns Paige to stop using the board.  Later, Mitch is driving alone when Susan uses her powers to cause a major car accident that lands him in the hospital.

Paige goes to a mystic shop where the shopkeeper gives her a definitive book on using the Ouija board along with a drawing planchette to try to confirm if it's really Susan who is contacting her. Paige has also been having a lot of dreams about Susan, which she has been turning into charcoal drawings, it's really unleashed her creativity.

 Elaine is killed in front of her hippy van by a stray wrecking ball. Paige suspects that Russel is the killer, and she goes to his studio to confront him. He seems crazy but says that Elaine killed Susan for having an affair with Toby. Paige locks herself in the darkroom of the studio, with Russel trying to attack her. Mitch shows up and stops Russel, but then Paige is now possessed by Susan. Susan kills Russel and Mitch is pushed out the window but doesn't fall to his death because he gets tangled in some wires. Mitch manages to make it back inside the studio. Susan is half ghost powers, but Paige is still in the body too. Susan tries to kill Mitch, but Paige resists and smashes the Ouija board which unleashes Susan's ghost into the universe. Paige moves out the loft, decides to go to art school and starts dating Mitch again. I guess she isn't convicted on killing Russel since a ghost inhabiting her body did it.

Not great, but I still enjoyed it more than the first one. Paige is a more likable character than anyone in Witchboard but that's not enough to make it a great movie.  I'm surprised that a sequel was made at all, but then again this movie was a low budget cash grab. There isn't much connecting the two movie, but they do both use the concept of Progressive Entrapment as the main premise for the ghost in the Ouija board to be able to take over a living body, so that's something.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Ghosts Can't Do It

Watched June 16, 2017

Starring: Bo Derek, Anthony Quinn, Don Murray

In snowy Wyoming, we meet Kate (Bo Derek) and Scott (Anthony Quinn) who are an extreme May/Dec marriage. He has a heart attack, recovers, but he can't have sex with her or do any other strenuous activities. He is too old to be a candidate for a heart transplant because he's over 60. This is so distressing for Scott that he kills himself. Somehow he manages to become a ghost who won't stop talking to Kate.

The ghost effect is very unsatisfying as it's just cut aways to Anthony Quinn is a weird black background. Scott tells Kate to head to their tropical island house. Since he can't leave her alone, she can't move on. Somehow together they decide if he can get a new body, then he would be able to take it over and come back to life. This is based on nothing except that Kate is upset that ghosts can't do it. It's not explained until close to the end how ghosts can inhabit a body.

Kate has to go to Hong Kong to deal with some of Scott's business. Scott was just a generic business man, it's not explained what type of business he was involved in when alive. On her arrival to Hong Kong, Kate tries to eat noodles on a windy boat ride. Ghost Scott guides Kate at the meeting with famed businessman Donald Trump. At their meeting they make some sort of agreement to meet again the next day that is crucial to the deal going through.

The night before part two of the meeting, Kate has dinner with Winston (Don Murray), an old friend of Kate and Scott's. Winston dances with Kate and hints that he's always been attracted to her, but Kate isn't ready to take on a romance, especially with another old guy. She heads back to the hotel and goes swimming at the hotel pool. Afterward she's in the changing room, taking a shower when some guy forces her at gunpoint to take some pills. They are supposed to make her miss the meeting, which is super important. Kate manages to make it to the meeting and the deal is saved.

Back on the island, Scott keeps pushing Kate to choose Fausto Garibaldi (Leo Damian) for the body, even though Kate doesn't like him personally, but at least Fausto isn't a senior citizen. Two ladies come to the island to see Kate's fabulous black pearls. One happens to be a white witch. At a casual softball game, Kate asks the white witch about possession and she explains how ghost can take over a body at the moment of death. Basically Kate has to kill Fausto, then at the moment of his death Scott can take over Fausto's body.

Fausto comes to Kate's bungalow to put the moves on her, she tries to kill him but can't do it she just knocks him out. Fausto still tries to attack her so the island king is called to make a judgment on what to do with Fausto. Scott is disappointed, so he leaves Kate alone for awhile. He talks to his angel, Julie Newmar, who says the body thing might work or they might both go to hell.

Scott comes back to Kate is ghost form to bug her some more. Kate finds Fausto, he was supposed to be in the island jail for attacking her but instead he's almost dead underwater in the pearl bed. Kate brings him back to life enough to kill him again, kind of. It works! Scott comes back in the body of Fausto. New body Scott and Kate remarry and got back to snowy Wyoming and have a bunch of sex.

This movie is so bad it's just bad, there isn't anything fun in it at all. The age difference between Scott and Kate is so large their relationship makes it seem like he's her dad that won't leave her alone, even though he's dead. Their love connection is never established before Scott kills himself, instead it's repeated that they met when he was 50 so she was a baby or whatever.  The troubling aspect of this awful movie has more to do with the real life relationship between John Derek, the director who met Bo when she was 16 and he was 46, barf. Bo Derek is naked a lot but it's incredible unsexy, and at weird times. At there seems to be no shortage of naked Bo Derek movies, so go see any other one. There is nothing worthwhile here. I was initially interested in seeing this movie as it was an early Razzie winner, but it's terrible.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

The Adventures of Young Van Helsing

Watched June 15, 2017

Starring: Keith Jordan, Ned Narang, Joe Zaso

1905: The real Van Helsing (Ken Mitzkovitz) and his errand boy Aki (Freddie Sabaugh) are looking for relics together. Up pops Simon Magus (Joe Zaso), an arch-angel. He tries to kill Van Helsing but the Aki throws Van Helsing a magical scepter. Van Helsing uses the magical scepter to stab Simon Magus, seemingly destroying him.

Jump to a present day High School. Ordinary teen Michael Harris (Keith Jordan) is in chemistry class messing around with the equipment. He's bullied by Karl, who is dating the girl that Michael has a crush on. Karl punches Michael a bunch in the hall until one of the teachers stops it and tells Michael he's looking forward to hearing his band play the dance at the end of the week.

Meanwhile Professor Arad (Ned Narang) is at a dig site where they have found the remains of Simon Magus. One of the interns touches the remains, this lets the leftovers bits of Simon Magus suck the power from the intern and it brings Simon Magus back into being. Simon then kills everyone at the site, except for Prof. Arad and his dull personal assistant. After this terrible occurrence, the Professor  and his assistant go back to London to look for something in the warehouse that stores the ark of the covenant. They are looking for the scepter that Van Helsing used to destroy Simon Magus before, but it's missing from it's assigned spot in storage. It turns out it was sent a long time ago to Michael's dad. But it turns out that Michael's friend found it when he was a kid and was illegally opening mail at the post office where his dad worked. Michael's friend as a kid stole the scepter and buried it in the woods.

Crazy Prof. Arad comes to Michael's house where he lives with his Aunt Molly. The Professor is there to explain to Michael about his Van Helsing heritage.

 Earlier that day, two of Michael's schoolmates where driving to school when they ran into Simon Magus. Simon killed the driver and looked into the girls mind to try to find info about the scepter. This leaves her in a coma. She's the best friend of the the girl who Michael has a crush on. Michael drives past the same road where the two teens were attacked by Simon and he drives over a weird leftover bit of Simon. He picks up a piece of it and it has a weird property of being ever burning. Michael takes this weird bit to the chemistry lab where his crush helps him try to figure out what it is.

Michael's crush comes over to his house to explain what she found out about the mystery substance, then Simon show up and tries to kill them all. Michael is there with the Professor and a couple of his friends then manage to make it to Michael's car and take off, but Simon is close behind. They run into Karl, which forces their car off the road and it explodes. It seems that Simon may be burned in the car explosion, but he had brain sucked the friend of Michael's to discover where the scepter is buried. The group manages to find the buried part of the scepter and stab Simon.

Michael and his friends now have a name for their band, the Van Helsings. They play the school dance. Karl and his girlfriend rock out together, Michael never had a chance. The Van Helsings play a Creed style rock, and an entire song is played completely.

 The very end is the crazy Prof. Arad storing the scepter only to find a werewolf has escaped from the storage warehouse, hinting at another young Van Helsing adventure to come. I'm not surprised that this didn't kick off an entire series of young Van Helsing adventures as this one is terrible. It's very slow with terrible acting and it doesn't seem like Michael has any of the Van Helsing spirit in him at all. He just wants to play with his awful band. At the beginning, the assistant to the real Van Helsing is a white boy in brown face, which is a terrible choice for a movie made in the early 2000's. I'm sure this movie was made on the cheap, but who funded it anyway. Not fun in a bad movie way, just a bummer.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Prince of Darkness

Watched October 5, 2016

Starring: Lisa Blount, Donald Pleasance, Jameson Parker, Victor Wong

I'm no expert on imagery in John Carpenter films but he does seem to have some recurring themes in the movies I've seen. He likes a computer screen and that means 80's green on black and there is nothing wrong with that.

A bunch of PhD students at the local university are taking a class with Professor Birak (Victor Wong). They are physics students but the class seems to deal with the metaphysical, and there seems to be only about six people in the class. This includes Brian (Jameson Parker) who has a weird mustache and can't stop staring at Catherine ( Lisa Blount) which is pretty creepy. 

Meanwhile at a local church, one day before he has a meeting with the cardinal, a priest dies, leaving a mysterious key to the basement of the church. Another Priest (Donald Pleasance) takes the key and checks out the oddly candlelit basement. In the basement there are pews, set up for worship and at the center is a large glass cylinder with an aged bronze cap that looks like a green tornado is spinning around in it.

Priest contacts Prof. Birack, the physics professor that is teaching the PhD students as there is a specific book that he needs to be interpreted. They are getting some weird vibes from the green glass tornado and want science to prove what it is. Victor gets his physics students and they also bring in some theology students along with some tech people to bring a ton of equipment to the church. They are going to figure out what the deal is with the green glass tornado jar.

For some reason they have to spend the night at the Church, but they all get cots. They set up tons of computers and stuff. Lisa (Ann Yen) the theology student begins to interpret the text. She's the only one that should be there. Susan (Anne Marie Howard) tests the top of the green jar and it's millions of years old. The skinny nerd computer tech guys leaves for the night and he is the first to be killed by the homeless zombies that have been hanging out around the church motionless. Alice Cooper stabs him with a bike cut in half.

Susan is drawn to the green vat and it sprays water into her mouth, this turns her into a demon/zombie that then sprays liquid into the other students/researchers mouths to turn them into demons too. Lisa is turned into a zombie demon. Kelly runs into a computer and gets a weird bruise on her arm that turn into a rune-like mark. It makes her really tired, she goes to take a nap and then all the green goo rushes into her. At first it looks like she is pregnant but it's just a belly full of green liquid. That liquid is the essence of evil or Satan. It melts most of Kelly's skin off, with Susan and Lisa acting as her bodyguards while this happens. Walter (Dennis Dun), one of the students gets stuck in a closet while this happens. On the other side of the closet the rest of the students have trapped themselves. They start to make a hole in the wall while Walter tells terrible offensive jokes. Kelly is transformed into a demon being and hears Walter talking so she dispatches Susan and Lisa to attack him, and he barely makes it out to of the closet alive.

Kelly/Satan sees a compact mirror on the floor and it gives her a glimpse of the connection to the anti-God on the other side which is explained as Satan's Dad.The compact breaks but then Kelly finds a full size mirror. Donald is in a room where Calder, also a zombie has been mesmerized or he can still see his non zombie self. Anyway Kelly tries to pull the anti-God out of the mirror. Brian is wrestling with Calder, then Catherine decides to push herself onto Kelly, trapping them all in the mirror but not letting out anti-God. Then the Priest smashes the mirror with an ax.

During their time in the church, everyone has been having dreams sent to the future from 1999, we see the rest of the dream and it's Catherine coming out of the church, with the question if she is a demon or not lingering.

More people survived than I thought would, give the Satan presences. Brian is super creep, even though he is supposed to be one of the good one. There is lots of weird bug stuff. The random Alice Cooper cameo is strange. Donald Pleasance is great. The demon Kelly makeup is good. Pretty solid movie but also very confusing about why science has to prove that Satan is alive in a goo and that there is a higher darkness/evil than Satan. It's weird to hear the word caca in a movie.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

My Uncle The Alien

Watched January 17, 2017

Starring: Hailey Foster, Josh Paddock, Sherwin Ace Ross, Beau Richard Hairston

Kelly (Hailey Foster) is the President of the United States's 10 year old daughter, a Chelsea Clinton type since this was filmed during the Clinton years. One night at the White House, she is visited by "Uncle" a unknown entity, all that is seen is weird feet. Since the title of the movie is My Uncle the Alien, it's assumed that the visitor is an alien.

The next day Kelly and her mom leave Washington, D.C. for L.A. to light a Christmas Tree at a Youth Center. There is lots of press there and they interrupt the ceremony to say a budget referendum just failed so the youth center is going to lose its funding.  Kelly is left at the youth center while her mom goes to talk to the League of Women Voters. Kelly hatches a plan with her youth center friends to ask for money from some other organization. She switches clothes with one of the other girls and they manage to fool the secret service that is supposed to be watching Kelly.

Kelly get into a cab all while the secret service is distracted by a fight between a kid on crutches and kid in a wheelchair. The cab driver is very chatty and recognizes her as the president's daughter. Kelly does this scheme alone, instead of taking a friend and she doesn't use a fake name, which is nuts. The cab driver gets into a car accident. Kelly has a cell phone, she leaves money and calls another cab. The accident happens to take place on the same street where two sketchy dudes van has broken down. They recognize Kelly and decide to kidnap her.

But first a boy on roller blades steals her backpack. She chases after him, with the weirdos chasing after her. "Uncle" from on high zaps the boy with a laser from the clouds and Kelly is able to catch up with him. But then one of the bad dudes grabs Kelly and the boy Zig (Josh Paddock) takes off again.
But Zig sees that Kelly is kidnapped and decides that these guys are no good, luckily their van doesn't go very fast because he's able to tail them on roller blades. He first follows the kidnappers to their house, where they make a plan with Kelly still tied up in the van. One of the dudes works as a security guard at a wax museum, so they go there to figure out their plan for ransom. The bad guys, Ratt (Sherwin Ace Ross) and  Skeeter (Beau Richard Hairston) decide to ask for a million dollars ransom, since it is the president's daughter.

Uncle appears at the museum and he opens to the door so Zig can get in. Zig unties Kelly and they run around the museum being chased by the kidnappers who ultimately catch them and tie them up again. The secret service finally realize that Kelly is missing, so they grill the youth center kids about her whereabouts.

Ratt and Skeeter make the ransom call from a pay phone. They ask for the million dollars  to be dropped of in a trash can by the city dump, which is done. Ratt and Skeeter do get the money but immediately the cops show up. A chase starts with Ratt & Skeeter trying to evade the cops, as they still have Zig and Kelly in the van and they keep threatening to push them out. Just as the chase ends and the cops have the van surrounded, it disappears. Uncle has zapped it back to the wax museum.

Kelly wonders why Uncle didn't help earlier, but he says he was watching the whole time. Uncle has to go back to his home planet, then they are all zapped back to the dump. The bad guys are arrested. Kelly is safe, they use the million dollars for the youth center. I guess they give Zig a home because he is seen teaching Kelly to roller blade in the White House.

I've said many times I have a hard time with these low budget family friendly movies, it's hard for me to appreciate on any level. This one is not great but way better than Nukie and Munchie. Uncle is used sparingly and isn't totally mucus covered and disgusting, unlike Nukie. That still doesn't make it a great movie, even for kids. Kelly's adventure seems like she could get killed at any point which doesn't seem like a great message for kid.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Blade II

Watched June 8, 2016

Starring: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson, Ron Perlman, Leonor Varela

Unlike the vague memories I had of Blade, I had never seen this one before. And I didn't realize that Guillermo Del Toro was the director until the end credits, but that makes sense why it was a better movie than I expected.

Blade (Wesley Snipes) is still killing vampires. Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) was captured, tortured, not killed and put in a blood tank for years by the vampires. In the meantime, Blade hired Scud (Norman Reedus) as his vampire hunting helper. They eventually find Whistler but the two vampires break into Blade's compound. It turns out they want to work with Blade to fight a new breed of super vampires that feeds on both humans and vampires. Then it turns both into super vampires or "suck heads." Blade is always on board for killing vampires of any kind, even though he is wary of working with vampires so he takes a lot of extra weapons as a precaution.

The vampires have targeted the super vampires and assembled their own posse of fighters.
Reinhardt (Ron Perlman) is somewhat of the leader of the vampire fighters and he doesn't like the idea of working with Blade. The vampire posse all have silly nicknames: Chupa, Snowman, Verlaine, the Priest, etc.

First the blood buddies and Blade go to a vampire rave where the super vampires are suspected to be. It turns into a big fight, the super vampires can't be killed by silver but sunlight or UV light works. Blade finds the main super vampire and they fight on a catwalk until the blackout curtains covering the windows start to show some sunlight. Verlaine's boyfriend is bit by a super vampire but hides it. One of the other vampire fighter is killed and they blame the deaths on Blade. The group does find the entrance to the super vampire lair and a vamp is stuck in the door but he is dying. The super vampires have to eat so frequently if they don't their bodies start to eat themselves.

They do an autopsy on the now dead super vampire and find out it has a bone heart, which may be a secret in trying to kill them. The group makes some UV bombs and head to the lair to kill the super vampires. The bitten vampire in the posse tries to eat his girlfriend, Verlaine so she burns them both in the sun. Reinhardt manages to separate himself and the Nyssa (Leonor Varela) from the group, intending for the super vampires to kill Blade. Blade manages to get all the UV bombs to go off killing all the super vampires that were attacking them but almost killing Reinhardt and Nyssa at the same time.

Blade lets Nyssa drink from him so she can survive but then the vampire cops show up and basically arrest them. Scud is a familiar so he betrays Blade, but Blade knew not to trust him all along so he blows up Scud. Reinhardt beats up Whistler. Nyssa learns that her mega old vampire dad is the one who created the super vampires in the first place. They see the experiment lab with a bunch of vampire fetuses.

The first super vampire is his son, Nyssa's brother.  Blade is captured by the vampires and tied to a table, but Whistler manages to free himself then free Blade. Blade is weak but he jumps into a blood pool and comes out fighting. Blade cuts Reinhardt in half. Nyssa's super vampire brother finds his dad, bites him and kills him, then he bites Nyssa. Blade stabs the super vampire and uses an UV light to kill him. Nyssa doesn't want to die, but know she is about to turn into a super vampire. She asks Blade to take her into the sunrise to die. Blade and Whistler live to fight another day.

There are some crazy fun special effects in this one. When the super vampire die they burn up in an insane way. The super vampires also have crazy mouths that open down the the throat.  Pretty solid sequel, but then again Guillermo Del Toro knows how to do horror. With the Nyssa character they try again trying for a slight romantic subplot with Blade, but he is a robot so that's pointless.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Chopping Mall

Watched April 27, 2016

Starring: Kelli Maroney, Barbara Crampton, Tony O'Dell, Rick Stanton

This was a happy rewatch for me. My friend Benji has been into 1980s mall and gang culture lately, and he hadn't seen Chopping Mall, so I shared it with the group. I wonder how much after hours security was a problem for malls, but this mall takes it very seriously. 

At an after hours mall meeting with the managers and owners of the shops, the security team unveils their latest technology, robots. The robots move around on tank treads and have tasers to stop criminals before they tie them up alert the police. Mary Woronov and Paul Bartell have cameos at the mall meeting as some store owners, it's a great tip off that this is going to be a fun movie. 

Alison (Kelli Maroney) works at the mall restaurant with Suzie (Barbara Crampton). Suzie sets up Alison with Ferdy(Tony O'Dell) on a date to a party at the furniture store inside the mall. It's mostly a make out party, with 4 couples total, which seems a little intense for a first date when everyone around you is having sex. The mall is closed and all the couples are either making out or having sex, except for Alison and Ferdy who are watching a sci-fi movie, but they are hitting it off.

A lightning storm hits the mall security room and zaps the four security robots, turning them into kill-bots.  The robots leave the security office to patrol the empty mall. First they kill a janitor who is just doing his job cleaning the mall. 

Beefcake Mike leaves the furniture store to do something by the pay phones, he's getting something for his bitchy girlfriend Leslie. He is stabbed by the security bots. I think the robots kill the human operator of the security room, so the override system doesn't seem to be an option. Leslie's head gets blown off when she leaves the furniture store to try to find Mike.

Now the remaining couples know something is going really wrong. Down to six, from the original eight they all try to just get out of the exit doors but the whole mall is completely locked up. The guys are girls split up, with the guys breaking into the sporting goods store to get guns. The girls go to the auto body store and make Molotov cocktails out of paint thinner. 

Suzie is killed by a robot igniting her own Molotov cocktail. They do manage to take out two robots. Greg, Suzie boyfriend is devastated by her death, so he helps set up a trap for the robot on the elevator, it doesn't work the first time but they get it to work the second time. They decide to get to the control center to try to shut down the robots from there. Greg is killed by being thrown off the third floor by the robots. The remaining four (Ferdy, Alison, Rick and Linda) head to the department store. They try to confuse the robots with mannequins, which does work. One of the robots is blinded by it's own laser ricocheting off something. But Linda is still killed by the blinded robot. Rick drives a golf cart into a robot and the electrical field kills him. It seems like Ferdy is dead after an encounter with robot. Alison goes to the paint store and empties tons of paint and paint thinner cans onto the ground. The robot gets stuck in the pain and then explodes when the paint thinner ignites. Ferdy is alive after all, he and Alison walk out of the mall together.

This movie is super fun, Alison is great plucky heroine. The kill-bots are awesome, great deaths and it all takes place in an awesome '80s mall with a killer synth soundtrack.