Highway To Hell

Watched August 4, 2025 

 

1991

Starring: Chad Lowe, Kristy Swanson, Patrick Bergin

Director: Ate de Jong

 

Charlie (Chad Lowe) and Rachel (Kristy Swanson) are in a beat up pinto driving off to Vegas to elope.  They didn't tell anyone except Rachel did leave her mom a note so she wouldn't worry. They are worried about getting in trouble so they get off the freeway onto a smaller frontage road. They get gas at an antique gas station called Sam's Last Chance. Sam (Richard Farnsworth) warns them to not stop between the two joshua trees.  As they drive Charlie falls asleep and they almost crash spinning around by a billboard. An officer stops them but it's Hellcop! He has awesome "hand" cuffs that are real hands. Hellcop grabs Rachel out of the car and handcuffs her in the back of his crazy souped up cop car, they disappear. Chad goes back to the gas station where Sam explains that his long lost wife was taken to hell on that road. Sam also has a bunch of clippings of other women taken. Sam gives Charlie his 1930's car and says it's got something special and shows him how to divert onto the mystical road to hell.

 

Hell is the desert, very sunny and bright. Charlie runs into a motorcycle/scooter gang. They threaten Charlie but don't actually do anything. Rachel and Hellcop stop at Cop Diner. Ben Stiller is outside grilling meat on the sidewalk as the short order cook.  Ann Meara is the waitress who won't stop talking. Jerry Stiller is a cop just trying to get a cup of coffee. All the cops are various stages of zombies. Rachel gets the handcuffs off by pouring boiling coffee on them and runs out. She gets trapped by the moto gang who give her to Hellcop. They're heading the Satan I guess.

 

Lita Ford is a hitchhiker who tries to get a ride with Charlie, but a crazy guy jumps on his car instead. 

In a chase with Hellcop, Charlie's car is super damaged. He uses a random phone to call for help but in the meantime a tow truck shows up. Mr. Ben is the dog that is along for the whole movie.  Beezle (Patrick Bergin) is the tow truck driver/fix it guy and he has a 6 year old kid Adam (Jarrett Lennon). The car is fixed but Adam stows away on the side rail so Charlie doesn't see. There is a group of fix it road workers with Andy Warhol wigs. They are taking people with good intentions to pave the road to hell. 

 

They go to a gambling hall called Hoffa's. Gilbert Gottfried is Hitler. Sexy dancers and folks dressed from the all different eras. Hellcop and Rachel are there but Hellcop shoots Charlie. Beezl shows up and uses Adam to heal Charlie.

 

The next part is a shortcut. Charlie drives to a cave where Hellcop is parked. All this time Charlie recognized Clara, a woman with the motorcycle gang, as Sam's lost wife. She warns Charlie that this shortcut is a test, and she failed it. 

 

In the eroded sand cave a door appears, Rachel is there dressed in black tied to a bed. Charlie and Rachel kiss, she wants to have sex so that Satan doesn't want her anymore. Charlie had grabbed her bracelet that fell when she was arrested and gives it back to her but she doesn't really care. Hellcop is there and fights Charlie, but Charlie manages to shoot Hellocop with his Hellgun. Even though Charlie is bleeding from the mouth Rachel still wants to make out and have sex but Charlie sees her in the  mirror and she's a crazy demon! Awesome effect. Charlie manages to fight the demon and escape but it was all a trick and he's back on the same road.

 

Now there is a parade on VW beetles chasing Charlie but he gets past them and makes it to Satan City. Joke bumper sticker "Pontius is my copilot." Charlie he has to cross the river Styx and Chiron doesn't want him in since he's not dead. Charlie manages to get in, finds the real Rachel who was also tempted by becoming a super great violinist instead of a mom running a pizza place? Satan tries to makes some deal, but they had learned that Adam isn't dead either. His parent's were killed and Beezle took him. Charlie and Rachel want to take Adam back to Earth with them. They have to outrace Hellcop to try to make it out of Hell. The moto gang is chasing them too and lead guy has a sword, but Clara helps them crash so they don't get Charlie and Rachel. The vibe is Clara is now free in death. Clara tells them to shoot Hellcop in the eyes. The car does have some turbo booster they find at the last minute and make it out of Hell.

 

They get arrested by the real cop but then Hellcop makes it through too and fights them but Rachel shoots him in the face. They drive away.

 

End text crawl!

Adam goes to the live with his aunt and uncle in Cleveland. Charlie and Rachel get married and have a pizza shop and she plays violin. Adam writes letters to the dog. Some other stuff.

Great! Practical effects, horror comedy, jokes that worked for me. Cool hell setting. Chad screen kisses really weird. Picked on a whim based on the bad Photoshop image showing up on Plex. I'd never heard of this movie before. The tone is strange so I can understand why it doesn't have a long legacy.

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Watched November 17, 2024

1992

Starring: Charles Solomon Jr., Julie Strain

Director: James Merendino

I've seen Witchcraft III and I wrote in 2012 that I wouldn't watch anymore of these, but I guess I forgot 12 years later and gave Witchcraft IV a chance. But I continue to regret my decisions, I just want some  real witch and warlock movies please. 

A couple is driving into the dark woods. They pass a random phone booth. They park and make out but Nora (Diane Fowler) doesn't want to make out. Nora walks away from the Pete (Orien Richman) but he hits his head. She comes back but now he's passed out. She drives to the phone booth but dials a wrong number. A guy shows up and puts Nora in his trunk. Pete is arrested for his girlfriend's disappearance. Nora is taken to a mysterious location and her heart is ripped out in a ritual.

 

Will (Charles Solomon Jr.) is a lawyer, he gets a call from Pete's sister to help her brother. Will is a reluctant warlock. He meets the stripper Belladonna (Julie Strain) while trying to find out what happened to Nora to clear Pete's name. Belladonna is under the control of Santera (Clive Pearson) who rapes her! Will is hiding and doesn't use his power to help Belladonna. Will keeps checking in with the sister, they go on a date but she freaks out when he tries to kiss her. Instead he goes and has elevator sex with Belladonna. The sister had the parents killed. Detective noir vibes but....

How much should you explain your previous concepts in a sequel? This movie doesn't explain anything. And the witchcraft element is practically non-existent. I guess it's the same actor but these series don't seem to be ones that people really follow while they are coming out. The main appeal seems to be horror adjacent female nudity, which is fine but not enough to hold the story together. 

Elves

 

Watched December 21, 2023

1989

Starring: Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin

Director: Jeffrey Mandel

 

I bought this as a VHS to DVD burn to make sure I could watch it for the Christmas season.

Three young ladies go into the woods. The leader Kirsten (Julie Austin) is carrying a candle and an ancient book from her grandfather. Kirsten has drawn a sexy lady with a bar design on her boobs in her notebook. They light the candle but get spooked by a sound. The candle holder burns Kirsten's hand, she drops it, it breaks cutting her hand and letting blood spill onto the ground. The girls all leave, but the 'elf' is reborn from the ground. It doesn't resemble anything I ever considered as an elf, it's a goblin demon at best.

 

Kirsten goes home, her grandfather has a German accent and is in a wheelchair. He slaps her for going in the woods with the book. Kirsten's mom also yells at her and says she'll drain Kirsten's personal savings?! Kirsten has a little brother age 9/10 who says swears and says he likes girls with big boobs. They have a black cat name Agamemnon who is nice. The elf is trying to get to the house,which we see from the elf's POV. It appears in Willy's room. The cat saves Willy and scares the Elf away but the uptight mom thinks it was the cat.

 

Kirsten works at Golem's department store at the restaurant inside. She's a server. Her two friends come and visit her there. She takes a break to goof on the store Santa, it's Christmas time.

 

Meanwhile, Mike (Dan Haggerty) comes into the department store looking for a job. He's a washed up police detective turned store detective now unemployed. No job is available for him right now.

Kirsten is sexually harassed by Santa, he whispers 'oral' in her ear as she sits on his lap. Santa goes on break and is fired but then is stabbed in the nuts by the elf in the back room. He's dead. The sexy Santa's helper finds him. The detective suspects Kirsten because she got Santa fired.

 

While Kirsten is at work, the mom drowns the cat in the toilet and buried it in the backyard

Three guys show up and talk to the Grandpa, they're neo-nazi's. They talk about the elfs as an eugenics experiment breeding elves with humans to create the master race.

 

Once Kirsten come home she looks for the cat, but can't find it. We see that the elf dug up the dead cat.

 

With the Santa dead, Mike becomes the replacement Santa and moves in the the store back room.  Someone had put a padlock on his trailer while he looking for a job, but I don't think he was supposed to be living in the store. That same night, Kirsten and her two friends invite three boys to party after hours in the department store. Mike is there, he has disconnected the alarm and taped the door so it doesn't lock him out.

 

The girls arrive, they also disconnected the back door alarm and try on outfits and wait for the boys. But when they get there the door is locked by Mike. The boys try to get in, but the three neo-nazis arrive and beat up the boys, killing at least one.  The neo-nazis are looking for Kirsten, they kill one of the girls, and the second is killed by an elf. The nazis shoot at Mike and Kirsten. Cops arrive, Kirsten is the survivor. They know Mike since he used to be a cop. They dust for prints. Mike and Kirsten are released and he takes her  home but the mom doesn't believe Kirsten's friends are dead. 

 

It's revealed that Kirsten is the product of incest. The grandpa drugged the mom, raped her and made her have Kirsten.

 

Mike has been noticing a rune symbol around where the elf has been, he finds a professor to explain it and it turns out not to be a rune it's biblical instead. The neo-nazi grandfather created Kirsten as the perfect vessel for the elves. They won't kill her. The other nazis are killed by the elf. The mom is electrocuted by a radio in the bath. The grandpa explains the elves need the crystal he's been keeping for a long time. Kirsten and Willy run to the woods but she trips on a hole and hurts her leg. Willy goes back to the get the magical crystal and Kirsten stabs the ground which destroys the elf. Were there more than one elf, I don't know, that isn't made clear. What a weird combo of nazis, elves and Christmas. I had a big problem with the look of the elves. The looks at the department store are awesome. It's not a good movie

Critters 4

Watched January 27, 2023

 

1991

Director: Rupert Harvey

Starring: Brad Dourif, Angela Bassett, Don Keith Opper, Terrence Mann

Somewhere in Kansas: A space bounty hunter,  Charlie (Don Keith Opper) has found two Krite eggs. He's about to destroy them when he gets a holo-message that he can't destroy them because they're the last two of their species. A space tube is sent, Charlie puts the eggs in the tube, but he gets stuck and frozen in the tube and sent to space.

Somewhere in space is a crew of salvagers. Al (Brad Dourif), Rick the angry captain (Anders Hove), Bernie (Erik DaRe from Twin Peaks), Fran (Angela Bassett ) and Ethan the intern (Paul Whitthorne) round out the crew. They see the tube, scan it but they don't know what's in it. The Captain is smoking in their ship, wouldn't the oxygen mix be combustible? They decide to pick up the capsule. They are able to decipher a logo from Terra Corp. and send a message to them. Perhaps the original bounty hunter plays the Terra Corp. guy? The company gives them a space station location to drop the capsule off at for payment. They arrive, it's a cube with a propeller. Once onboard they discover the station is empty.

The computer, Angela is only running at 50% so she's a malfunctioning computer. No one is at the facility, it's large including a science lab and pharmacy. Al gets the computer to show him several levels are blocked off, no other people are on board so he wants to leave. The nuclear core of the ship is also unstable. 

Fran takes a shower, the pervy captain hands her a towel while she's still in the shower and she punches him. The Captain gets space madness and goes to open the capsule without anyone knowing. After laser blasting it a couple times it sends a computer warning that Al sees. Al sends Ethan to check it out. Ethan gets stuck in the elevator because of the crazy computer. You have to say the opposite of what you want to get the computer to work for you. Angry captain knocks Ethan out and hangs him by a hook. Captain gets the capsule open and Charlie, now unfrozen, rushes out. Captain pokes around, the eggs have hatched. Two critters attack the Captain, one on the leg the other on his mouth. Charlie gets Ethan down from the hook. The rest of the crew finds the Captain. Ethan and Charlie are chasing/running away from the critters when they discover the lab. Charlie goes into a duct. Ethan follows but then it dumps them in the trash compactor. The computer is doing to jettison them into space but they the find another duct and escape.

They find Bernie and get cleaned up. They all meet in the astroturf lounge room. Charlie discovers he's been in the tube for 50 years and everyone he knows is dead. Charlie explains the critters.

They also unlock a video from the lab, showing that they were doing experiments to make critters clear out life forms on planets they wanted to colonize?

They find a key card. Leo goes to the pharmacy grabs tons of pills but then is critter attacked. The team gets back to their docked spaceship. Al loads Charlie's old gun with six bullets. Charlie shoots at the two critters, killing one but damaging the ship in the process. The critters have laid more eggs. Fran  smashes some. The Terra Corp. guys and stormtroopers arrive. Charlies recognizes the head guy who just wants the eggs. They've hatched! Ethan outruns the stormtroopers by using the computers reverse psychology to close doors. Ethan finds the eggs, juggles them, and threatens to smash them. Ethan shows Fran that he has the gun. Ethan tosses the last egg, the bad guy tries to grab it but Fran punches him with the gun. Al was already shot, Ethan is sad and Al was his surrogate dad. Charlie, Fran and Ethan get in the Terra Corp. ship. The Terra Corp. guy tries to attack Ethan but is eaten by a critter and then frozen and smashes to pieces. The station starts nuclear meltdown/self destruct mode. Fran, Charlie and Ethan get away. The space station blows up with all the critters. Charlies bushes a button after being told not to and the ship goes crazy.

 I had incredibly low expectations for this movie so it was pretty fun. Little bit of humor, but everyone is taking the story seriously. Fran doesn't die, so that's something. I liked it. The music is all over the place with weird western riffs and space music. Creature effects by the Chiodo Bros!

Slaughterhouse Rock

 Watched October 14, 2022

 

1987

Director: Dimitri Logothetis

Starring: Nicholas Celozzi, Tammy Hyler, Tom Reilly, Donna Denton

 

We watched this as a continuation of the Rock 'n' Roll nightmare theme.

The title credits are great. Then it opens in a dank, flooded dungeon hallway. A rotting corpse is being eaten by rats. A person is shackled, he grabs a machete out of the corpse and tries to break the shackles. But the monster keeps moving towards him. Instead the man cuts off his own hand.  Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) wakes up, it's a dream but his hand is still cut off... double dream!

 

Jump to a random university, based on the SF Bay area setting I'm guessing it's supposed to be Berkeley. Alex lives with his older brother Richard (Tom Reilly) and two guys who are all college students. As they walk out of class, one of them reads an article from a newspaper about Sammi Mitchell (Toni Basil) going to Alcatraz and dying. It seems like Alex has been having dreams longer than one night. 

 

Two girls show up at the college student's group house, Richard's girlfriend Krista ( Hope Marie Carlton) and Jan (Tammy Hyler) who is interested in Alex. Krista and Richard go to his room and immediately start having loud sex, while Alex and Jan awkwardly sit in the living room and try to make small talk. There is old mac n cheese stuck in a pot on the coffee table, so they go out for burgers. This scene is so weird, we see almost everyone else in the restaurant before we get to Alex and Jan sitting at a table. Alex is being plagued by the demons even during the day, Jan is talking but he can't seem to focus. He is having a waking nightmare about a hand grabbing him through the wall. 

 

In his Intro to Psychokinetics class with Professor Carolyn Harding (Donna Denton) Alex has another waking nightmare that his cheek is crawling with worms and he spits out a worm. He screams, attracting the attention of the whole class. Later on at the bar the gang is hanging out but Alex is still depressed and sleep deprived. Jan wants to watch over him as he sleeps and she says she'll sleep on the couch. 

 

That night Prof. Harding comes over, talks to Jan, smells smoke and they see that Alex is on fire in his bed. They manage to wake him up and the fire stops. Prof. Harding takes Jan and Alex to her office, it turns out the class Prof. Harding has an old book that she thinks explains the haunting dreams. After the civil war, an old Commandant shacked up on Alcatraz and started killing and eating sex workers (alive!) Prof. Harding is convinced the ghost of the old man has something to do with Alex's nightmares. She convinces them to go to Alcatraz that night.  One of the roommates has a relative with a boat.

 

 I was convinced they couldn't get actual Alcatraz footage but I guess they did. They make it to the island and start wandering around the old jail. Alex gets separated from the group and finds  the ghost of Sammi Mitchell. Sammi explains that she found an old book in the library and brought back the spirit that's killing everyone and haunting Alex. Sammi helps Alex astral project to talk to the spirits. Richard is attacked and becomes possessed by the old commandant. Richard attacks and rapes Krysta but she manages to escape.  Richard creeps around and kills the two roommates and one of them he punches through the head! He kills Krysta by biting her neck. Alex goes to the basement of his dreams trying to open a door. Meanwhile Prof. Harding and Jan lure the Richard monster to an old shack and then light it on fire. Prof. Harding doesn't make it out. Alex manages to open the dream door revealing light that kills the spirit version while the ladies burn the physical version, completing the demon vanquishing.

It ends with Alex and Jan at her sister's nice house playing piano, all their friends are dead.

  

It's never explained why Alex is the one having these nightmares, his connection to either the Commandant or Sammi Mitchell is never explained. One idea fix to the weak plot, it starts with a Sammi concert in San Francisco. Alex is a huge fan, he gets an autograph so they actually get a face to face connection. Sammi is a big occult fan and she gets the book, opens it and unleashes the commandant but connects with Alex so there is an actual reason he's having these dreams. And instead of just creepy torture dreams, Alex also dreams of Sammi asking for help.

 

A lot of fog shots and Alcatraz shots setting even though I thought they were fake. The special effects are great. Jan and Alex have no chemistry so it's hard to root for them. Alex is a terrible, unsympathetic main character. The two roommates have some comic relief moments, but doesn't fix the plot problems. The cannibal commandant is good but weird. The music is by Devo, which is awesome but doesn't make it a worthwhile movie.

My favorite part is the reason that Alex is taking Professor Harding's Intro to Psychokinetics is that he thought it would be an easy A.

Black Roses

Watched September 30, 2022

 

1988  

Directed by John Fasano  

Starring: John Martin, Karen Planden, Frank Dietz 

 

Starts in New York at a Black Roses concert, the band members are already monsters. The cops show up to shut it down but the transfixed teens rush out, crushing the cops. It's not clear if the Black Roses need teen spirit to feed or to change from humans to their true monster selves.

Two lamborghinis roll into small town Canada. Several cool '80s rock 'n' rollers get out, it's the Black Roses! They walk around the empty town putting up posters for the 4 nights they're playing the high school auditorium.

 Mr. Morehouse (John Martin) is the English lit and poetry teacher at the high school. All the teens in his class are excited about the Black Roses coming to play their town, let alone their high school auditorium! Especially since these shows are kicking off their larger North American tour. Julie (Karen Plandon) is a student who really admires Mr. Morehouse and has a little crush on him. Johnny (Frank Dietz) another student in Mr. Morehouse's class, has a crush on Julie, but she considers them just friends.

The local church members are against the concert, since rock music is aligned with the devil, duh. But the mayor is for it. The town council stays for the first song and Black Roses play one of their ballads and tone it down. The town council leaves approvingly and the party is on! 

Julie hangs out with Johnny after the first concert. They wander around town, Johnny steals a can of red paint, spills a little bit in a parking lot and leaves his pocket knife nearby. The next day in class, Mr. Morehouse returns the knife to Johnny and tells him to stay out of trouble. That afternoon, the Black Roses give out free records to all the high school kids. One of the teens, Vinny (Carmine Appice) gets into a fist fight over one. Vinny plays the record at home and his dad tells him to shut it off. Vinny storms off, but the record comes on again, looking all melty-gooey. A monster emerges from the speaker, attacks the dad (Vincent Pastore) drags him back into the speaker.

After the second concert, Johnny goes home to his nebbish dad. He goes to bed and has sex with a dream demon, I think it's supposed to be Julie but it's also a body double so it's confusing. He wakes up and shoots his dad three times. Another high schooler Tina heads home after the concert with her sexy friend. At Tina's house, her younger brother is throwing plastic action figures in the fire while the dad watches. The dad realizes it's 11pm and shuffles the kid off to bed. The mom is playing cards at a friends. Tina asks if her friend can stay because her parents aren't home and she's locked out. All three of them play gin rummy until Tina goes to bed. Tina's friend convinces the dad to play strip gin, she comes on to him and gives him a heart attack. Vinny comes home from the concert and runs over his mom while she is taking out the trash.

Mr. Morehouse has been 'dating' the mayor's daughter Priscilla (Carla Ferrigno). He goes after school to talk to the mayor once some people have been dying but she doesn't let him get past.

Julie goes fully bad and beats her step dad to death with an ashtray. Julie then sneaks into Priscilla's car while she was playing tennis. Once Priscilla gets in the car, Julie cuts off Priscilla's head. Julies goes to Mr. Morehouse to seduce him, he rejects her but them Julie turns into a demon and tries to kill him. He fends her off with a tennis racket and he escapes.

If there is a third concert, it happens somewhere in here.

The last concert everyone is all dressed in black now. Damian (Sal Viviano) the lead singer of the Black Roses notices Mr. Morehouse tossing gas onstage. Damian turns into a demon to fight Mr. Morehouse, they tussles. Mr. Morehouse gets Julie out of the concert hall and lights a flare that sets the gas soaked stage ablaze, engulfing Damian and the band. The teens escape the burning auditorium. TV news footage announces the Black Roses are coming to Madison Square Garden and it shows Damian and he's fine.

Cool title sequence with animated growing roses that the lamborghinis drive over. It needed more stakes, a lot of kids kill their parents but it doesn't seem to mean anything. Mr. Morehouse isn't much of a hero that you root for. Does the band need the kids to turn into demons, do they feed off of them? Do they get energy from the kills. The demonizing seems reversible. Damian calls the kids his Black Roses, it that a clue? Good demon effects but aside from the kids gone bad/satanic panic it doesn't make much sense.

Parts of it seem high-ish quality but then random shots of bellies like they didn't get enough coverage. Julie didn't want to do nude scenes, but the stands ins are are really different and there is a very strange weird cropped boob shot. Not a lot of fun overall. Decent music, weird background music choices. It seems like they wanted to show an innocent town that goes to hell through satanic music, but it didn't quite come together for me.

Same writer as Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare, Cindy Cirile, she really got some mileage out of music and monsters. I wonder how many metal/music/horror movies were made in the '80s?  Lloyd Kaufman is listed as a producer, it doesn't have a of Troma feeling aside from monster effects.

They played this at a local theater a couple of weeks after we watched it, something was in the Santa Fe air for the Black Roses.

The Unholy

Watched October 22, 2021

1988

Starring: Ben Cross, Jill Carroll, William Russ, and Ned Beatty.

After watching the trailers for Alienator (1990) and Cyclone (1987), we decided on The Unholy which seemed to have the highest production value. Plus Ned Beatty!

A Catholic priest is praying alone in his church altar when a mysterious red haired lady shows up. She is nude except for a sheer tunic. She seduces the priest, they kiss and she shreds his throat, killing him. 

Three years later, the two church leaders Archbishop Mosely (Hal Halbrook) and Father Silva (Trevor Howard) hire a new priest, Michael (Ben Cross). We are introduced to Michael as he is driving around for a while then he gets to an emergency scene when another priest has been throat mauled. The priest warns Michael about the demon before he dies. Lieutenant Stern (Ned Beatty) is the detective who worked the cases of both of the two dead priests. His lead is Millie (Jill Carroll) who works at The Threshold, a sex club run by Luke (William Russ), the dad from Boy Meets World and "star" of Deathbed: The Bed that Eats. Michael does take the job as the new priest, even though he has been warned. A caretaker who has been watching over the church for the last three years helps him clean up the place. Michael instantly has a dream vision of the red haired demon lady. 

Archbishop Mosely and Father Silva wait to disclose more information to Michael about the demon that is haunting the church. Before Michael officially got the job, he went to help a potential suicide jumper at a hotel. Michael gets the jumper, Claude (Peter Freschette) to come off the ledge but then the jumper throws Michael out of the window. Michael survives the ten story fall without injury, this is when the two priests know that Michael is the one who can defeat the demon.

Michael contacts Millie at the club. She's supposedly 19, ran away from an abusive father and is working as a waitress. Luke does weird rituals as a show at the club. Millie does visit Michael at the church. Then Luke visits Michael because weird stuff has been happening to him too. Luke asks Michael to come to his apartment above the club and watch him sleep. Michael does and a crazy wind thrashes Luke's black, gold and glass bedroom but doesn't wake him up. Millie ends up in a padded room as she claims that Luke tried to rape her. A padded cell seems hard to clean as Millie's bloody lip gets all over it.

Millie escapes the hospital and goes to Michael in the apartment attached to the church where he lives. Michael lets her stay. An old bible shows up on Millie's nightstand with a section describing Lucifer being a fallen angel. Michael thinks Luke gave it to her. Luke says he's never touched Millie. The demon made Millie think that. With the book, Millie says the Unholy roam looking for virgins and priests to seduce and kill. She offers herself to Michael thinking if she wasn't a virgin and he breaks his vow, the unholy won't want them. Michael is tempted but says no. The previous priests dog's throat is slashed/mauled.

Archbishop Mosely and Father Silva finally tell Michael what's up, that he needs to resist the demon to send it back to hell. Michael heads back to the church where Luke is already disemboweled and crucified upside down. Claude is there and tells Michael the demon made him throw him out the window. Then the demon makes Claude throw all his guts up and burst into flames.

Michael gets on his priest robes and prays. The demon comes but he casts her aside. She turns into two lumpy baby demons that nail Michael's hands to the altar. Then the big demon shows up alternating between looking like a sexy lady and a weird four legged, but with boobs, demon dog thing with a mouth with four rows of teeth and big tongue. Millie shows up after hearing all the commotion. The demon tried to attack her/lick her. The floor opens up to hell. Michael sees a crazy montage of the tortures of hell including a butt being out, biting flesh, poking eyes, etc. He summons the power of god, and is able to get his nailed hands out. The demon touches his face making him blind just like Father Silva. The demon is sent back to hell. The church is restored, it was pretty trashed and had an open hell pit. Millie and Michael leave together.

It's hard with Catholic church movies that include altar boys not to think of the abuse. Michael is fine, but he doesn't quite do it for me. Luke's look is awesome, bleached hair banded collar shirts. Plus he wears a crazy black banana hammock for sex rituals at the club and for sleeping. Great special effects and gauzy '80s vibes.

The Adventures of Young Van Helsing

Watched June 15, 2017

2004
Starring: Keith Jordan, Ned Narang, Joe Zaso

1905: The real Van Helsing (Ken Mitzkovitz) and his errand boy Aki (Freddie Sabaugh) are looking for relics together. Up pops Simon Magus (Joe Zaso), an arch-angel. He tries to kill Van Helsing but the Aki throws Van Helsing a magical scepter. Van Helsing uses the magical scepter to stab Simon Magus, seemingly destroying him.

Jump to a present day High School. Ordinary teen Michael Harris (Keith Jordan) is in chemistry class messing around with the equipment. He's bullied by Karl, who is dating the girl that Michael has a crush on. Karl punches Michael a bunch in the hall until one of the teachers stops it and tells Michael he's looking forward to hearing his band play the dance at the end of the week.

Meanwhile Professor Arad (Ned Narang) is at a dig site where they have found the remains of Simon Magus. One of the interns touches the remains, this lets the leftovers bits of Simon Magus suck the power from the intern and it brings Simon Magus back into being. Simon then kills everyone at the site, except for Prof. Arad and his dull personal assistant. After this terrible occurrence, the Professor  and his assistant go back to London to look for something in the warehouse that stores the ark of the covenant. They are looking for the scepter that Van Helsing used to destroy Simon Magus before, but it's missing from it's assigned spot in storage. It turns out it was sent a long time ago to Michael's dad. But it turns out that Michael's friend found it when he was a kid and was illegally opening mail at the post office where his dad worked. Michael's friend as a kid stole the scepter and buried it in the woods.

Crazy Prof. Arad comes to Michael's house where he lives with his Aunt Molly. The Professor is there to explain to Michael about his Van Helsing heritage.

 Earlier that day, two of Michael's schoolmates where driving to school when they ran into Simon Magus. Simon killed the driver and looked into the girls mind to try to find info about the scepter. This leaves her in a coma. She's the best friend of the the girl who Michael has a crush on. Michael drives past the same road where the two teens were attacked by Simon and he drives over a weird leftover bit of Simon. He picks up a piece of it and it has a weird property of being ever burning. Michael takes this weird bit to the chemistry lab where his crush helps him try to figure out what it is.

Michael's crush comes over to his house to explain what she found out about the mystery substance, then Simon show up and tries to kill them all. Michael is there with the Professor and a couple of his friends then manage to make it to Michael's car and take off, but Simon is close behind. They run into Karl, which forces their car off the road and it explodes. It seems that Simon may be burned in the car explosion, but he had brain sucked the friend of Michael's to discover where the scepter is buried. The group manages to find the buried part of the scepter and stab Simon.

Michael and his friends now have a name for their band, the Van Helsings. They play the school dance. Karl and his girlfriend rock out together, Michael never had a chance. The Van Helsings play a Creed style rock, and an entire song is played completely.

 The very end is the crazy Prof. Arad storing the scepter only to find a werewolf has escaped from the storage warehouse, hinting at another young Van Helsing adventure to come. I'm not surprised that this didn't kick off an entire series of young Van Helsing adventures as this one is terrible. It's very slow with terrible acting and it doesn't seem like Michael has any of the Van Helsing spirit in him at all. He just wants to play with his awful band. At the beginning, the assistant to the real Van Helsing is a white boy in brown face, which is a terrible choice for a movie made in the early 2000's. I'm sure this movie was made on the cheap, but who funded it anyway. Not fun in a bad movie way, just a bummer.

Prince of Darkness

Watched October 5, 2016

1987
Starring: Lisa Blount, Donald Pleasance, Jameson Parker, Victor Wong

I'm no expert on imagery in John Carpenter films but he does seem to have some recurring themes in the movies I've seen. He likes a computer screen and that means 80's green on black and there is nothing wrong with that.

A bunch of PhD students at the local university are taking a class with Professor Birak (Victor Wong). They are physics students but the class seems to deal with the metaphysical, and there seems to be only about six people in the class. This includes Brian (Jameson Parker) who has a weird mustache and can't stop staring at Catherine ( Lisa Blount) which is pretty creepy. 

Meanwhile at a local church, one day before he has a meeting with the cardinal, a priest dies, leaving a mysterious key to the basement of the church. Another Priest (Donald Pleasance) takes the key and checks out the oddly candlelit basement. In the basement there are pews, set up for worship and at the center is a large glass cylinder with an aged bronze cap that looks like a green tornado is spinning around in it.

Priest contacts Prof. Birack, the physics professor that is teaching the PhD students as there is a specific book that he needs to be interpreted. They are getting some weird vibes from the green glass tornado and want science to prove what it is. Victor gets his physics students and they also bring in some theology students along with some tech people to bring a ton of equipment to the church. They are going to figure out what the deal is with the green glass tornado jar.

For some reason they have to spend the night at the Church, but they all get cots. They set up tons of computers and stuff. Lisa (Ann Yen) the theology student begins to interpret the text. She's the only one that should be there. Susan (Anne Marie Howard) tests the top of the green jar and it's millions of years old. The skinny nerd computer tech guys leaves for the night and he is the first to be killed by the homeless zombies that have been hanging out around the church motionless. Alice Cooper stabs him with a bike cut in half.

Susan is drawn to the green vat and it sprays water into her mouth, this turns her into a demon/zombie that then sprays liquid into the other students/researchers mouths to turn them into demons too. Lisa is turned into a zombie demon. Kelly runs into a computer and gets a weird bruise on her arm that turn into a rune-like mark. It makes her really tired, she goes to take a nap and then all the green goo rushes into her. At first it looks like she is pregnant but it's just a belly full of green liquid. That liquid is the essence of evil or Satan. It melts most of Kelly's skin off, with Susan and Lisa acting as her bodyguards while this happens. Walter (Dennis Dun), one of the students gets stuck in a closet while this happens. On the other side of the closet the rest of the students have trapped themselves. They start to make a hole in the wall while Walter tells terrible offensive jokes. Kelly is transformed into a demon being and hears Walter talking so she dispatches Susan and Lisa to attack him, and he barely makes it out to of the closet alive.

Kelly/Satan sees a compact mirror on the floor and it gives her a glimpse of the connection to the anti-God on the other side which is explained as Satan's Dad.The compact breaks but then Kelly finds a full size mirror. Donald is in a room where Calder, also a zombie has been mesmerized or he can still see his non zombie self. Anyway Kelly tries to pull the anti-God out of the mirror. Brian is wrestling with Calder, then Catherine decides to push herself onto Kelly, trapping them all in the mirror but not letting out anti-God. Then the Priest smashes the mirror with an ax.

During their time in the church, everyone has been having dreams sent to the future from 1999, we see the rest of the dream and it's Catherine coming out of the church, with the question if she is a demon or not lingering.

More people survived than I thought would, give the Satan presences. Brian is super creep, even though he is supposed to be one of the good one. There is lots of weird bug stuff. The random Alice Cooper cameo is strange. Donald Pleasance is great. The demon Kelly makeup is good. Pretty solid movie but also very confusing about why science has to prove that Satan is alive in a goo and that there is a higher darkness/evil than Satan. It's weird to hear the word caca in a movie.

Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies go to college

Watched May 18, 2016

1991
Starring: Evan MacKenzie, Kevin McCarthy, Eva LaRue, Patrick Labyorteaux

Ghoulies AKA Comic Book Toilet Demons

This falls into the comedy horror camp, except this one is more just T&A as there are supposed deaths but very little blood. So anyone who was killed could in theory still be alive. There are some awesomely terrible puns which I enjoyed such as a young party goer has a deer head fall onto her head and someone says "What is this a Stag party?" Oh yeah, of course she's topless too.

I haven't seen any of the other Ghoulies movies, but boy have I looked at the poster/cover of a bunch of toilet demons many times. This movie takes place 21 years after the first (and second?) At a college where two frats are taking part in Prank Week. They pull pranks on each other all week long until one emerges victorious and gets to wear the official prank hat. Yes, college is dumb.

In the bathroom of the slob frat, Mookey (Patrick Labyorteaux) finds a comic book in the wall. This bathroom is incredibly disgusting, even for frat standards. He starts to read the comic out loud and it begins to summon the ghoulies, but he doesn't finish the incantation, so the Ghoulies remain trapped in the toilet. Mookey takes the comic to his Mythology class, where Professor Ragnar (Kevin McCarthy) finds and confiscates it. Professor Ragnar hate the prank week as he is often the victim. Looking at the comic book, the images remind him of some mythological demons. He finishes reading the comic book aloud and the Ghoulies are summoned. They now only do the bidding of Prof. Ragnar, and he wants the Ghoulies to stop the frats. The Ghoulies: Rat, Cat, and Frog with abs make it to the Slob frat just after they have all left. The Ghoulies fall into a pile of clothes, so now they look just like college students, except they are a tiny Cat, Rat and Frog demons. They get super drunk. Then they really escalate the prank war. They blow up the campus security guard's little truck with him inside.

The side story adding to the frat war is the slob frat member Skip (Evan MacKenzie) used to date Erin (Eva LaRue) but now she is somewhat interested in the Snob frat member Jeremy (John R. Johnston). Erin eventually figures out she wants to be with Skip, but then the Ghoulies kidnap her. Prof. Ragnar goes totally nuts with the Ghoulies power, but Skip saves Erin and banishes the Professor to the toilet. Prof. Ragnar comes back for one last battle with a face on his stomach, he is  now the super ghoulie depicted in the comic. But Skip throws the comic into the toilet and that destroys the demon Professor.

Lots of boobs, some weird goofy deaths like a lady taking a plunger to the face. It's not great, but I've seen far worse. Still pretty enjoyable considering I haven't seen any of the previous toilet demon movies.

Pumpkinhead

Watched October 27, 2015

1988
Starring: Lance Hendrikson, Jeff East, Kerry Remsen, Florence Schauffler,

I first saw this at a slumber party in 6th grade and it scared the crap out of me. This was my first revisit since then, and while not as scary as I remembered it, it's still a solid monster movie.

Ed Harley (Lance Hendrikson) and his young son Billy run a rural general store. A group of city teenagers stop by the store on their way to a vacation cabin in the woods. They have motorcycles with them and while stopped two of the guys start riding around the dirt field nearby. 

A local customer stops by to pick up some things and it turns out that Ed forgot some feed or something that the customer ordered. Ed leaves to get the feed from his house, leaving Billy and his dog to mind the store, which is nuts. Not too long after Ed leaves, the dog runs after the motorcycles and Billy runs after the dog. The first guy on his motorcycles goes off a dune, does a jump, sees Billy and dog and manages to turn out of the way. Right behind him comes the second motorcycle, which doesn't turn in time and hits the kid. The guy that hits the kid freaks out because he's had a couple of beers and is on probation anyway. He grabs his girlfriend and they speed off in his sportscar to the cabin.

The rest of the group is concerned but they can't find a phone to call anyone from the General store. Two of the teens stay with the kid while a couple others drive off to find help. Ed comes back to find his son mostly dead and he is devastated. He wraps his son in a blanket, doesn't try to take him to a doctor, instead he goes to the rural farmer and delivers the feed like he promised.While at the farm Ed asks some kids about Pumpkinhead, a local revenge demon legend. The farmer won't have anything to do with it, but one of his kids tells Ed that he will show him where to find Haggis, the old crone witch.

Haggis (Florence Schauffler) lives in a dilapidated old shack on a swamp. Ed is so distraught he will do anything to get revenge. Haggis warms him that this is not what he really wants, but Ed is adamant. She tells him to go to a specific old pumpkin patch/graveyard and dig up a specific site. He digs up a skeleton and brings it back to Haggis. She begins the spell that uses Ed's blood to bring Pumpkinhead, the revenge demon to life.

Pumpkinhead comes to life and begins to kill the teens one by one. But as Pumpkinhead kills, Ed feels and sees through Pumpkinhead's eyes the murders, which is more intense than he imagined. Ed quickly gets sick of the revenge killing and helps the last two kids who weren't terrible survive. Ed kills himself to destroy Pumpkinhead since they were connected.

After watching so many really low budget terrible movies this one is pretty good. The effects hold up. The plot is very simple but at least makes sense and all the actors do a good job. It's a nice country versus city slickers tale with a super weird monster thrown in. It really made me think about the crone Haggis and how she got to be an old conjurer. What was she like when she was young? Who trained her in revenge spells? Why does she still do this if she knows it always turns out bad? Maybe someone will make a movie about her.

Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare: The Edge of Hell

Watched October 13, 2015

1987
Starring: Jon-Mikl Thor, Jillian Peri, Frank Dietz

The Tritonz, a heavy metal band from the US comes to a farm house in Canada to write and record their new album. But what they don't know is that the family that lived in the house previously was attacked by some mysterious demons, and the demons may still be around.  All the band members bring their wives and girlfriends as support. The drummer has a weirdly fake Australian accent. John (Jon-Mikl Thor) the lead singer of the band and his lady take the master bedroom of the house, which has a bed made to look like a piano. 

All the bandmates settle into the house. The bands manager Phil (Adam Fried) makes them dinner then they all head to the barn to record some songs. While Phil is rocking out in the control booth to the awesome sound of The Tritonz, a cyclops demons that looks like a penis spits in his drink. Phil unknowingly drinks the demon spit and things begin to get weird. He goes down the basement to find some extra drum sticks. One of the bitchy girlfriends shows up and comes onto him. But she turns into a demon and bites him on the shoulder. 

The band leaves the barn to find the van is gone, so they think Phil took it since they can't find him either. All the couples take this opportunity to make out. Later that night a bunch of groupies come to the house.  Demon possessed Phil shows up again and tells them to show him their boobs, but they freak out and leave. The drummer guy gets demon possessed too but becomes a better lover because of it. The couples keep dying but not before the keyboardist hooks up with a guitarist and have a long drawn out gross sex scene. Then John and his woman have an equally long and gross shower sex scene. Eventually every one is presumed dead except for John. In the barn, a huge demon comes to kill John. To combat the demon, John reveals himself to be the Angel Triton and he concocted all the people and the story that we just saw to get the demon to come out. There is no band, it was all an elaborate ruse, with lots of sex scenes. John fights the demon, as the demon throws demonic starfish at him. They lock arms and try to overpower one another. In the end, John doesn't beat the demon, the demon just decides to leave the house.

There is a ton of filler footage of the van driving down highway on the way to the house. They also show the house and the moonlit night many many times, trying to get across a mood of spookiness. There are lots of boobs and super gross too long sex scenes. All the acting is really bad. All the mini demons looks like dick worms. The fight with the main demon at the end is pretty great because it's so bad. It's super terrible, but kinda fun in that regard.

Mirror Mirror 2: Raven Dance

Watched July 13, 2015

1994
Starring: Tracy Wells, Roddy McDowall, Mark Ruffalo, Sally Kellerman

I was blown away to find the not that great movie Mirror Mirror has a sequel, but it was a surprise VHS find. 

Marlee (Tracy Wells) and her younger brother Jeffrey (Carlton Beener) are recouperating at a nunnery after the death of their parents. Marlee's much older step-sister Roslyn (Sally Kellerman) wants to get the money that was left by Marlee's parents. Roslyn has been working with Dr. Lasky (Roddy McDowall) to keep Marlee sedated until a certain date, I'm not completely sure. 

Marlee is not sedated the whole time, she invites a grunge band to come play in the nunnery's dance space but the mirror doesn't like them and they are all burnt to a crisp but Marlee and Jeffrey survive.  This only adds to Marlee and Jeffrey's state of shock.

Roslyn hires a crazy groundskeeper to torture Marlee so that she seems unfit to inherit the money. The haunted mirror is in Marlee's room. After the band was burned she lost partial sight, but when she looks at the mirror it's perfectly clear. She begins to dance again, her passion,  for the mirror and she falls in love with the mirror. This makes them mirror demon do her bidding. Jeffrey seems autistic a first, playing his violin, but he's fine and it turns out he's the only pure one the mirror demon can't touch. 

A young man, Christian (Mark Ruffalo) shows up randomly and starts hanging out with Marlee. The nuns explain that he's a former orphan. It seems that there are only there are only two nuns in the whole place. After a ton of dancing around by Marlee, the mirror demon goes berserk. It takes Dr. Lasky into the mirror zone, kills the groundskeeper with acid and makes Roslyn look old, her worst fear. The mirror then tries to kill the blind nun, but Jeffrey stabs it. This makes the demon come out to attack, but Christian takes one for the team and stabs the demon with a special knife. Marlee then wishes none of this happens and it takes her back in time to the trade places the very first woman who interacted with the mirror.

I found Mirror Mirror 2 to be long and boring. The plot of the older step sister trying to get money from Marlee didn't make a lot of sense. It makes the first Mirror Mirror look fantastic. There is too much dancing from Marlee, but it's kind of fun to see Mark Ruffalo in an early role. Overall it's really slow and dull with a very strange soundtrack.

Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight

 Watched April 27, 2015

1995
Starring: Billy Zane, William Sadler, Jada Pinkett Smith, Brenda Bakke, John Kassir

I like Tales from the Crypt in all its forms from the comics to the HBO show and then the various movies over the years. I very much enjoy the Cryptkeeper's puns, so I was excited to watch this movie.

The Cryptkeeper bookends the movie as he is directing his own horror movie, but it doesn't seem that he is directing the movie we are watching. Well, it wasn't clear at the end even though he did go to the premiere of Demon Knight.

Demon Knight starts with Brayker (William Sadler) being chased by The Collector (Billy Zane). It is unclear who is the good guy initially.  Brayker jumps out of his car to get away the The Collector who crashes his car into the stalled car. They both manage to survive the crash, but the cops show up to investigate. The Collector convinces the cops that Brayker has his property. Brayker makes his way to a rundown motel. He gets a room, but then the cops show up. The Collector wants a special key that Brayker has and it seems like The Collector is the true owner. One of the cop hesitates, so The Collector punches him in the face with his fist going through his head. They struggle and The Collector rips off the cop's head. It's pretty apparent that The Collector is the bad guy. Brayker kicks The Collector out of the house and protects the threshold with blood from the key.

The Collector cuts his hand releasing green blood onto the ground. From the dirt sprouts an army of demons that begin to the attack the house. Brayker quickly runs around trying to seal all the entrances with his magic blood. After a couple of demon attacks, the motel inhabitants check the basement to see if there is a way to escape. They find a boarded off tunnel, but Brayker thinks it's safer to just stay in the motel. All the people want to get out so they run into the tunnels, but the demons are there. They are chased to the upper floor of the motel and manage to create a magical seal, but the demons gather below.

The Collector's powers let him invade the minds of the remaining people in the motel. Roach (Thomas Haden Church) is convinced that if he just gives The Collector they key he will leave. Roach steals the key from Brayker and gives it to The Collector. The Collector instantly kills Roach and part of the seal protecting the upper floor is broken. Before they are attacked Brayker explains that the key holds the blood of Christ and it's one of seven keys. The demons have six of the seven keys, this being the last. Once they have it they can destroy the world, so it's up the Brayker the current Demon Knight to protect it. Brayker has been a Demon Knight for a long time and he was specifically lead to the motel to find Jeryline (Jada Pinkett Smith.) It is coming to the end and Brayker transfers the knowledge of the Knights to Jeryline just before he is attacked by The Collector. 

By this point everyone has been killed by the demons except for Jeryline. She covers herself in the blood from the key so she can't be touched by The Collector. But The Collector grabs her and throws her in the shower, and pours all the blood out of the key. Jeryline takes a swig of the blood and as The Collector dances around killing her she spits the blood in his face and he is destroyed. Jeryline is now the Demon Knight. She refills the key with blood from Brayker, as it's a holy line and heads on her way to keep the key safe.

Billy Zane is the bad guy with lots of charisma.  A little kid who becomes a demon and tries to lick out Brayker's heart. The demons have to be stabbed through the eyes to release their souls. CCH Pounder has her arm ripped off, then sacrifices herself by detonating a vest of grenades to kill a bunch of the demons. Lots of fun and pretty gross.

Soulkeeper

Watched April 6, 2015

2001
Starring: Rodney Rowland, Kevin Patrick Walls, Brad Dourif, Tommy 'Tiny' Lister.

Yet another movie with a lenticular VHS box cover that has been passed over for months. I finally got it back on the list and somehow it was picked. I had low expectations and unexpectedly they paid off.

A mysterious group wearing dark robes in engaged in a secret ceremony. They are trying to transfer a soul into a specific body. A member of the group is randomly chosen and is pushed onto the altar where a special stone is placed on his chest. The stone is carved with a symbol that beings to move and change. The soul power descends into the sacrifice but it kills him and all the participants of the ritual.

Corey (Rodney Rowland) and Terrence (Kevin Patrick Walls) are two small time thieves. They are at a museum of the civil war during a battle reenactment. They are both dressed as Abraham Lincoln, Corey is reciting a speech to distract the tour group while Terrence tries to break into a case. They botch the job and are chased out of the museum with the guard hot on their trail. 

At their local watering hole, they are bemoaning their loss and how terrible they are at their job. Two attractive ladies are staring them down, so they go over to try to hit on them. The women are very robotic and strange, but the guys don't care and they follow the ladies to a strange house. The women disappear as Corey and Terrence enter the house. Inside they find Pascal (Brad Dourif) who wants them to do a job for him. He tells them to go to a graveyard and find a specific coffin. They take the job as it pays pretty well, but the specifics of their task are unclear.

In the spooky cemetery they find the right grave and open the tomb of FF. Inside is a skeleton but there is a strange metal canister in its neck. They open the canister to find a bunch of newspaper clippings. They take these clippings to Chad (Tommy 'Tiny' Lister) who has a perfect penis (!?) and a bunch of computers to try to figure out what the clippings mean.

The next stop is a sex club. Everyone in the club looks very uncomfortable, they are all rubbing each other and eating different fruits that turns to blood. Corey finds a lady he likes and they go have sex in a private room. Terrence ends up with a curly haired brunette who turns into Deborah Gibson while going down on him, then into his mother. He freaks out, finds Corey and they run away. They run into the soul sucking monster called Magus but manage to escape.

Continuing their search for who knows what exactly, they enter a cave and find that FF has been soul incarnated as a 12-year-old boy surrounded by hot chicks. The boy tries to explain the cult, the demon and how souls figure into it, but it's still unclear. The boy gives them some groovy clothes, as they had to walk through a sewer to find the cave. He leads them out of the cave.

 Now they have on cool '70s bell bottoms, but they still don't know what they're looking for, or I just never knew. They run into another mysterious guys who explains what needs to happen next. He lets them know about the soul stone and the demon that is trying to possess it. He tells them that the Magus monster is attracted to sin, so they have to go to church to confess all their sins and boy do they have a lot. After they are cleaned from their sins they can sneak up on the monster. They suit up in some crazy gear and head to the castle where a new group of cult members is trying to resurrect the stone's power. They make it to the castle but Corey's use the lord's name in vain, so the monster comes after them. The cult member's use Corey's body in the soul ceremony, but it doesn't work because he channeled his soul power himself. They fight with the cult guys and get out of the castle to fight the monster one on one. Terrence jumps on the monster and uses his bomb to blow them both up, only Corey escapes alive.

During the movie Corey described his dream woman: red hair, glasses, big boobs, smart but really into cars. At a gas station where his bus stops Corey is buying something when his dream woman walks in. Her wigs is really fake, but through some happenstance she offers him a ride in her sports car, so off they ride to fall in love.

I enjoyed it! The comedy bits worked, which is rare in a horror comedy. A lot of stuff didn't make sense but it was still silly and fun.

Curse of the Blue Lights

Watched February 9, 2015

1988
Starring: Claytan A. McCaw, Patrick Keller, Deborah McVencenty, Becky Golladay

A farmer is driving his tractor through a field when he stops by a scarecrow. At the foot of the scarecrow he finds a mutilated animal that is covered in strange corn goo. As the man investigates the animal, the scarecrow comes to life and vomits into the farmer's mouth. The farmer tries to run away but the scarecrow removes itself from it's perch, runs after him and kills him.

Two teen boys meet up after school to take their girlfriends to Blue Lights, the local make out spot. As they drive out there they spend a bunch of exposition time talking about what the blue lights are.  The blue lights are supposed to signify the Muldoon man, a crazy monster. On the way to make out point the teens almost run into a horse and carriage with the ghouls in it.

Much to their surprise as they are making out at Blue Lights, they see some random blue lights. They get out of their car to meet up with three guys they know from school. One of the guys just got a vintage 'cuda. The whole group wants to explore the blue lights, so they start off on a random path. One of the fatter guys who has a mustache (the same guys who owns the sweet 'cuda), trips and slides down the hill and hits his crotch on a mysterious shape. The group follows him and they discover that he hit his crotch on a blue stone arm. The rest of the body seems to be buried in the ground. Nearby they find a strange, stone disk with random writing on it. They take the disk, but as they are driving away they are pulled over for speeding. The cop doesn't believe their story about the stone arm, so they lead him to the spot. But instead of finding the arm, there is just a giant hole there now. The cop leaves after giving them a speeding ticket.  From the hole where the arm was they see marks that it was dragged away, and it looks like the arm was connected to something much larger. The rest of the kids follow the drag marks into a cemetery and deeper into a crypt. Within the crypt they see three ghouls who are trying to resurrect the Muldoon Man, which was the arm they found, by feeding him stewed up parts of humans they have killed.

The group gets scared and run away from the cemetery and the ghouls. They safely make it back to their car to drive away, only to be pulled over by the same cop. He continues not to believe their crazy story so he makes them all walk home. As they break up and head home, the first guy is taken by the ghouls. The cop car passes him and he is grabbed by giant long arms. Another of the group of three guys is taken and turned into a snake companion for the head ghoul.

The original make out couples go to a witch to try to figure out what the disk means. The witch is hard to decipher but she does make a potion that will kill the ghouls. The two guys are allowed to walk through a mirror she has that leads them to the house where the ghouls are. The girls wait with the witch. Two of the ghouls are sleeping when the boys find them. They manage to kill one but the other wakes up before getting the potion. After some runaround the boys escape. As the girls wait with the witch she becomes inhabited by the demons so they escape by walking through the mirror too.

Now the girls are in the house, the ghouls attack them and tie them up. It turns out that the ghouls need the disk as the final piece to bring the Muldoon Man back to life.  From the boys they get the disk, but the boys return with weapons to fight the demon ghouls. They fight the demons, but they have created a zombie army that attacks the girls.  They stab the main ghoul but he flips the lever to complete the Muldoon Man transformation. The other ghoul is melted into the goo that has been nourishing the Muldoon Man. The couples escape the crypt as the cops arrive and shoot the remaining zombies. The Muldoon Man comes for them with all his monster rage and bullets cannot pierce his tough hide. Luckily one the teen boys has a bottle of nitroglycerin that he throws in the path of the monster. The Muldoon Man steps on the nitroglycerin and is blown up.

The teen girls are useless, the effects are gross and great. The fat teen with a mustache dies with an awesome face melt. The witch is terrible and really hard to understand what she is talking about. They spend an insane amount of time in the car just getting to and from make out point. The Foley artist took it to the max in the with scenes with a wind chime that continues throughout.

This was a thoroughly enjoyable movie, it's my type of low budget horror movie.

I, Frankenstein

Watched October 20, 2014

2014
Starring: Aaron Eckhart, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto, Billy Nighy

What if Frankenstein's monster was just misunderstood and really had a soul after all? What if Gargoyles had something to do with it? What if Gargoyles were actually protectors that kept demons at bay? All these questions and more are presented in I, Frankenstein, but not thoroughly answered or made into a fun movie. 

When I saw the trailer for this movie I knew it was a bomb especially with its January release date, the month where movies go to die. I even wanted to make a special theater field trip, but it only lasted about a week and I missed the chance. My favorite bad movie period is the late '70s through the early '90s, probably because that's what was available to rent when I was a kid in the '90s, but I know that bad movie are made all the time so I'm always on the look out for a new one.

It begins with Frankenstein's monster explaining his existence, how he wasn't asked to be created so when he killed his creator's wife it was out of confusion. When Dr. Frankenstein tried to kill his creation, the creation outlasted him by being impervious to the cold. After that Frankenstein's monster kept a low profile and just slunk around the woods. In the mid 1800's he runs into some demons who try to kidnap him, but then he's saved by some Gargoyle warriors. The Gargoyle warriors take Frankenstein's monster to their Queen, Leonore and she explains the eternal battle between the Gargoyles and the demons. Leonore is curious why the demons would want to capture Frankenstein. She determines that he is a real being and gives him the name Adam. The Gargoyles recruit Adam to join their demons destroying cause but he decides to run away instead. He does take some demon bashing sticks with him though. 

Adam (Aaron Eckhart) keeps his loner status and wanders around for another hundred plus years killing the demons that he runs into. It is now modern day and Terra (Yvonne Strahovski) is a scientist who is working on reanimating a rat. She seems to be getting closer, but there is a long way to go. Her benefactor Naberius (Bill Nighy) is actually a demon who is very invested in reanimating corpses. The Gargoyles have been keeping an eye on him, but they have been losing a lot of their people in the ongoing battle. The Gargoyles have Dr. Frankenstein's diary that shows how to reanimated dead tissue. The demons kidnap Leonore and make a trade for the book. They are also trying to capture Adam this whole time. Luckily he meets up with Terra and he tries to convince her to stop her work. Adam uncovers as ridiculously large warehouse that is filled with an army of bodies waiting to be reanimated.

The Gargoyles do trade the book for the recovery of their Queen, which infuriates her. The demons are able to unlock the real secrets of reanimation and Terra is forced to perform them. This creates an army of Frankensteins that battle the Gargoyles. Most of the Gargoyles are killed but somehow Naberius and is army is destroyed. Adam heads off alone to keep battling the demons to save humanity.

There is not a bit of humor in this entire movie. There are so many terrible battle scenes that just get lost in blurs of CGI. No one seems to live in the city where this takes place except for the main characters, it's mostly filled with tons of giant warehouses. Which explains why it was the perfect breeding ground for the army of the undead. There are lots of sweeping shots of the CGI city, including the cathedral of the Gargoyles that has a million flying buttresses which reminding me of the terrible sweeping CGI shots in Dungeons & Dragons.

Since this movie posits that Frankenstein's monster is immortal it raised a lot of questions. Does he eat or go to the bathroom? How did he live 200+ years just being a demon hunter?

While I haven't actually seen an entire Underworld movie, the tone of this movie reminded me of that series. It turns out the one of the actors/co-writers on the third Underworld movie created the I, Frankenstein comic book and therefore make this movie possible. I can see where they would have loved to turn this into a new franchise but it's such a stretch. Werewolves and Vampires are things that people know about, multiple Frankenstein and Gargoyles that come to life is a totally unknown story is something that I'm not looking into exploring more.

Cellar Dweller

Watched August 4, 2013

1988
Starring: Debrah Mullowney, Brian Robbins, Yvonne De Carlo

In the 1950s, a cartoonist is working in his basement studio on a comic. He is referencing a satanic book, and is drawing the description of the demon from the book. Quickly he realizes that his drawings are coming to life and the demon is real! A woman appears from the pages of his comic and the cartoonist watches the demon destroy the woman, then the demon comes after the cartoonist.

Jump to modern day 1980s, the cartoonist's house has been turned into an artists retreat. Whitney (Debrah Mullowney) is a cartoonist who has been admitted to the retreat, even though the head of the house looks down on cartooning as not a real art. Whitney runs into Amanda (Pamela Bellwood) who is a rival from college. Amanda does conceptual video art and still has a grudge with Whitney. The cellar is off limits, but one night Whitney is compelled to go down there. She intantly loves it and asks Mrs. Briggs (Yvonne de Carlo) is she can move her studio down there. Mrs. Briggs reluctantly agrees and Whitney gets to cleaning up the very dirty cellar. Quickly she moves some dust around, adds some flowers and her new studio is ready to go.

Whitney is inspired to draw a demon that she has never drawn before. Amanda secretly films her and sets up a video that frames Whitney as plagiarizing her artwork. While Amanda is editing the film together she is eaten by a the demon. Lisa (Miranda Wilson) is a performance artist and she shares a piece with dolls and stabbing balloons. Quickly Whitney is taken over with drawing the demon, and her comics keep happening. She quickly realizes that she is drawing murders and she has to stop the demon. All the artist are either killed by the demon or drawn into his dimension. The demon begins to create his own comics, so Whitney doesn't know what to do. She spills some white out and the demon is stopped. Then she grabs all the comics and burns them. This destroys the demons, but she also had drawings of all the other artists at the colony and she kills them too. 

Whitney freehand inks her comics, which is pretty impressive. She really grinds that ink on the page. I like movies about cartooning because my husband is a cartoonist as well as many of my friend and they always try to make it seem more glamorous than it really is. I really liked Lisa's terrible dance performance art piece. Phillip also does terrible minimalist art. I like it as a simple and fun horror concept with my favorite type of people, weirdo artists.