The Boyfriend School AKA Don't Tell Her It's Me

Watched August 1, 2025

 

1990

Starring: Steve Guttenberg, Jamie Gertz, Shelley Long

Director: Malcolm Mowbray 

 

In South Carolina, Gus (Steve Guttenberg) is a cartoonist recovering from Hodgkin's Lymphoma. According to the movie, he is 'fat', he has lost all his hair; eyebrows and all. Lizzie (Shelley Long), his sister is a romance novelist with a three-year-old daughter, Annabelle nicknamed piglet and a weird husband. Lizzie doesn't want Gus to be single anymore so she starts a plan to set him up now that he's in recovery.

Jamie Gertz is a journalist with an old junker car. She works with Trout (Kyle MacLachlan) at The Grackle newspaper. They were dating but are an on/off seeing other people. At the beginning of the movie she goes on a bad date where the guy doesn't remember her name: Emily.

 It turns out that Emily is sent to do a feature at the romance convention in town. She interviews Lizzie but Lizzie is actually interviewing her for Gus. Lizzie invites Emily and Gus over for dinner. Lizzie and her husband are really into Asian culture- but due to the time its played as a joke. Chinese food is weird and gross, I guess. Gus hasn't regrown his hair, is wearing a bad wig and still looks sick. Emily and Gus don't hit it off, the dinner is weird. The husband serves jellyfish salad and Emily throws up. That's after Annabelle tossed an oil covered bolt on Emily, staining her dress. Lizzie always explains to Annabelle in adult language what would happen to her body when she does something dangerous. But Gus saw Emily in her old timey slip and it's not very scandalous.

Gus tries to call Emily to make a date but she's not interested. Trout gets back together with her sort of.

Lizzie decides she can give Emily the fantasy she desires in Gus so it's makeover time. Gus's hair grows back and he starts working out, jogging while Lizzie rides a scooter beside him.

Once he's got the bod, Gus gets a cool mullet plus Lizzie says he's got to get a new persona. Now he's Lobo Murunga from New Zealand.

At a gas station at night, Emily is pumping gas into her junker when Lobo pulls up on his motorcycle, causing her to overflow the gas. At the counter, she only has $2 but accidentally pumped $20 of gas.She doesn't have a way to pay, but it turns out the counter guy is a robber and the actual shopkeeper is on the floor. Lobo comes in, he wants to be cool but also figures out the robbery. He wants to chicken out but then hits the robber with the coffee pot. Lobo tries to leave but Emily is in love and makes him come home with her. He pretends to pass out but she kisses him. In the morning, he leaves but Costanza's her with his Maori amulet necklace. But his motorcycle is back at the gas station.

Lizzie goes to the gas station to give Lobo back his necklace. Lobo shows up and takes her for a motorcycle ride to a random spot where they dance in a house/event space. Lobo drops her back off at her apartment.

Gus doesn't want to do it anymore but the necklace still hasn't been returned. He gets it from her apartment but then Lizzie makes up an errand to return the books that Lizzie lent her.

Gus's cover is almost blown at Lizzie's house but luckily his niece Piglet doesn't talk much The husband tries to play along too.

Emily does break it off with Trout but he was also seeing another woman from their office ( Madchen Amick) from their office. It  seems like a cut plotline, because it doesn't really matter that Trout is seeing someone else. I guess it's showing he's not a great guy.  Lobo is at her apartment and they make love once she formally ends it with Trout.

The next day Lobo pops out his blue contacts and says he's Gus, Emily rightfully kicks him out. Emily goes to Lizzie to blame her for the plot but Lizzie keeps playing the game she set up saying that everyone is mad at her but Gus is moving to NY. Even though Emily feels betrayed, she's still into Gus/Lobo. Her car barely starts and she makes it over to Gus's waterfront shack, but he's gone. Her car won't start now so she gets on his motorcycle and makes it to the airport. He's in line and they both are both into trying to be together, now that the truth is out. He's not moving to NY, he's just going to a wedding in Tallahassee so she comes too. Lizzie is watching them the whole time and Annabelle is in the car and says a new word.

It's a pretty crazy set up, overall it's fine but the trickster plot is pretty bad. It's a hard concept to just lie to someone about who you are and then have them still want to be with you. Great outfits. Kyle MacLachlan is a good creep and it fun to have two Twin Peaks actors together.

The Wicker Man (1973)

 

Watched June 20, 2025

 

1973

Starring: Edward Woodward, Christopher Lee, Britt Ekland

Director: Robin Hardy

 

My local theater was showing this and I thought it was good excuse to see it. I'd heard a lot about the crazy Nick Cage remake, so why not see the original.

It's the end of April. Sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) arrives by seaplane to the remote British island of Summerisle. The police had received a letter and photo of missing 14-year-old girl, Rowan Morrison. At first, no one in the village recognizes the photo. The letter about the missing girl was anonymous. 

Sergeant Howie goes to the Morrison family, the mom runs a candy store. She has one daughter but doesn't have another, no missing Rowan. Everyone isn't being totally obtuse, just cheerfully unhelpful.

Sergeant Howie spends the night at the Green Man Inn. Everyone is there, it's the local pub, singing and kissing. The innkeeper's daughter has a beautiful daughter Willow (Britt Ekland). Their songs are about sex, semi-subtly. Officer Howie goes outside and everyone is having sex on the lawn. He goes back inside to see a kilted man offering his teen son to Willow. They play a song about coupling. Sergeant Howie is Christian and wracked with guilt about these fornicators.

In the morning, all the school boys are practicing the dance around a maypole with a singer, it's almost a musical. The girls are inside with their teacher, Ms. Rose (Diane Cilento). Sergeant Howie is still looking for Rowan. Ms. Rose says she's not there but he grabs her roster and Rowan's name is listed as a student. Ms. Rose and Sergeant Howie talk outside, and she basically says Rowan is dead. Sergeant Howie goes to the records office, there is no death certificate for Rowan. All the townsfolk keep questioning Sergeant Howie's authority to be there at all. 

Sergeant Howie visits Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee), who explains that they all worship the Earth. Sergeant Howie asks to dig up the coffin, he doesn't appear to get permission so he does it at night. Inside there is a giant hare instead of a human body. 

Ms. Rose is at Lord Summerisle's house, they're singing together. Sergeant Howie throws the hare at them. They say this is Rowan, she changed. 

At the Inn, Willow sings a seduction song and bangs naked at the wall trying to get police officer to come over to her room. Sergeant Howie barely manages to stay away, as a good Christian he is engaged but a virgin. He tries to leave May 1st but his plane won't start. He looks up pagan rituals about May day. 

Back at the Inn, Sergeant Howie goes to rest since he can't leave yet. Willow and the innkeeper say they'll use a special thing to keep him asleep. Instead Sergeant Howie wakes up,  and sees a strange burning hand/candle. Sergeant Howie knocks out the innkeeper and puts on his fool costume. 

Previously, Sergeant Howie had searched all over and found that last year's harvest was bad. He's convinced they're going to sacrifice Rowan for a better harvest. The town marches and does their May day ceremony, they are led to Rowan, she's alive and fine.  Sergeant Howie unties her and runs away with her but it was all part of the plan to get the police officer, a Christian virgin to come to the island of his own free will so they can sacrifice him to have a better crop yield. Sergeant Howie tries to get them to stop, but they put him in the wicker man, where there are also a bunch of animals in cages and they're all burned at sunset.

Great crazy folk horror vibes.  I already knew the basic plot so the town trick wasn't a surprise, but it was still fun. There's so much music it could be a musical, there is a folk theme song called Corn Rigs. Christopher Lee is so young in this one!

Body Puzzle

 

Watched November 17, 2024

 

1992

Starring: Joanna Pacula, Tomas Arana, François Montegut

Director: Lamberto Bava

This synopsis is more condensed and scattered as this was watched during a weekend movie marathon with a good friend and my notes are lacking.

 

Begins with a blond guy "playing" piano and listening to music but also has headphones on and he is remembering a motorcycle accident. He was chasing his lover(?) who was on a motorcycle in the rain, he was in a car yelling "you're going too fast!" Then the motorcycle rider slips, crashes and dies. It's shot really manically like no one is doing the right thing. Blond guy is also going too fast as he yells as the motorcyclist.

 

A bakery owner is stabbed and his ear is cut off. The ear shows up in the fridge of Tracy (Joanna Pacula). She goes to visit her dead husband's grave and it's been robbed. The detective alerts her to this, so she goes to stay at her parent's country house.

 

 Next kill: hand cut off by trapping and tying up a women in the bathroom. and kidney or liver

Tracy has a big Beethoven St. Bernard dog. 

 

The killer then tries to kills a pregnant lady in the hospital- is she in labor or just having a check up? 

The detectives are starting to connect the murders. Tim is trying to put Abe back together from the parts he donated when he died. Detective and Tracy have a thing. Jr. Detective is my movie bf. 

 

Makes sense, suspenseful, good twist. Great setting. English language filmed in Italy. Crazy kill of a teacher of the blind students while they sing but can't see what's happening. Best kill: swimming with a knife to kill a lifeguard then cutting off his dick!

 

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Watched November 17, 2024

1992

Starring: Charles Solomon Jr., Julie Strain

Director: James Merendino

I've seen Witchcraft III and I wrote in 2012 that I wouldn't watch anymore of these, but I guess I forgot 12 years later and gave Witchcraft IV a chance. But I continue to regret my decisions, I just want some  real witch and warlock movies please. 

A couple is driving into the dark woods. They pass a random phone booth. They park and make out but Nora (Diane Fowler) doesn't want to make out. Nora walks away from the Pete (Orien Richman) but he hits his head. She comes back but now he's passed out. She drives to the phone booth but dials a wrong number. A guy shows up and puts Nora in his trunk. Pete is arrested for his girlfriend's disappearance. Nora is taken to a mysterious location and her heart is ripped out in a ritual.

 

Will (Charles Solomon Jr.) is a lawyer, he gets a call from Pete's sister to help her brother. Will is a reluctant warlock. He meets the stripper Belladonna (Julie Strain) while trying to find out what happened to Nora to clear Pete's name. Belladonna is under the control of Santera (Clive Pearson) who rapes her! Will is hiding and doesn't use his power to help Belladonna. Will keeps checking in with the sister, they go on a date but she freaks out when he tries to kiss her. Instead he goes and has elevator sex with Belladonna. The sister had the parents killed. Detective noir vibes but....

How much should you explain your previous concepts in a sequel? This movie doesn't explain anything. And the witchcraft element is practically non-existent. I guess it's the same actor but these series don't seem to be ones that people really follow while they are coming out. The main appeal seems to be horror adjacent female nudity, which is fine but not enough to hold the story together. 

My Bloody Valentine

 

Watched February 14, 2025

1981

Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier,  Neil Affleck, Keith Knight

Director: George Mihalka

 

Valentine's Bluff, Canada 

Two miners go down to the mine in full coveralls and face masks. One takes off the mask to reveal a lady and she pulls down her coveralls and she has a heart tattoo on her breast. She's stroking the other person's mask. Then the masked miner pushes her into a wall spike and stabs her with a pickax.

 

February 12th

We meet the main group of miners: Axel (Neil Affleck), goofball Howard (Alf Humphreys), mustachioed Hollis (Keith Knight, and AJ (Paul Kelman). They are switching shifts, they get off the mine cart, take showers and head to the Union Hall where their girlfriends are putting up decorations for the Valentines Dance.

 

Axel (Neil Affleck) is Sarah's (Lori Hallier) new boyfriend.  She used to date TJ (Paul Kelman) but he left town to try for something better on the West Coast but he never told Sarah. She still cares about him, but is mad he left. TJ feels like a failure because he couldn't escape the small town and working in the mine.

 

Mabel owns the launderetee and is helping decorate the town.

 

Twenty years ago there was a planned Valentine's Day dance. The miners were leaving the mine, still 5 guys were down there. Someone didn't off-gas the methane and a cave-in occurred. It took rescuers six weeks to get down there. Only one survivor remained,  who lived by eating the dead. The next year he killed the two supervisors with a pickax, then was committed to the mental hospital. That's why there hasn't been a dance in so long.

 

At the Union Hall, a box of chocolates is left for Mayor Hanniger (Larry Reynolds). The mayor takes it in the car with the Chief Newby (Don Francks) but opens it to reveal a real heart! ...and a note to cancel the dance.

 

The Mayor and police Chief take the heart to the coroner and it's human, but no body is discovered.

 

Mabel, the owner of the launderette, has been helping decorate for the dance. Back at the launderette, she finds a heart box too, then she is attacked. The next day, she's found in the dryer, her heart is in the box with another warning to cancel the dance. The Mayor and Chief say Mabel died of a heart attack but they are trying to see if it's the guy from 20 years ago but the hospital can't find his record?

 

Meanwhile with AJ back in town, he want to get back with Sarah but Axel's not into it. It's a good triangle because they talk about it. Sarah is torn she does still like AJ but he left without telling her, so she feels abandoned.

 

All the young folks are bummed about the canceled dance, but the miners say they can party at the mine mess hall. They all go over there. AJ and Axel fight, Sarah says she's not into either of them.  A couple goes to the shower/coverall drying room to fool around. The guy, Dave goes to get more beers and lady is killed.

 

A dude goes to the kitchen to get a hot dog and his face is boiled. Two other ladies go get hot dogs and discover a cooked heart in the hot dog water. They discover Dave dead in the fridge. The girls and dude reveal the dead bodies and say we've got to get out of here but Sarah, Patty, Howard, another couple go down to the mine as a distraction for Sarah. They start in the mine cart down. The couples goes to fool around. Then after the upstairs party disperses, Axel and AJ go down to the mine to get everyone. They all think it's the crazy miner from 20 years ago. By now the other group has found the police Chief, he gets a group to head to the mine. Down in the mine the killer gets the couple. Howard and Hollis also die.

 

Axel and AJ find Patty and Sarah, they try to climb out because the elevator isn't working. A body falls from above. They head back down. Patty keeps freaking out but then she's killed. They think Axel falls down a water pond. Now it's just Sarah and AJ try to escape the killer. They get the cart headed back up but it's not moving fast. AJ has a shovel to fight off the killer's pickax. They get off and Sarah runs to the side tunnel. Sarah pulls off the killer's mask and it's Axel!

 

Axel was a kid when his dad was killed 20 years ago by Harry Warden the original mine cave in survivor crazy guy.  There is a small cave in. The townspeople get Axel loose but he runs deeper into the cave screaming "Sarah be my bloody valentine!"

 

 I watched the Shout Factory transfer and it looks great, but it's almost too bright for some scenes that are meant to be a little more mysterious. I had seen it before but it was super fun to revisit on Valentine's Day. I love how wonderfully Canadian it is, and I love that they aren't supposed to be teens. They are young adults in a weird little town. 

Great! 

Sketch Artist

 Watched November 17, 2024

 

1992

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Sean Young, Drew Barrymore, Tchéky Karyo

Director: Phedon Papamichael 

 

Starts with a couple having a sex in a 90s modern office. She leaves, she's an escort, he relaxes on the couch. Then he is murdered!

 

Jack Witfield (Jeff Fahey) works for the police as a sketch artist, but he is not a detective. He is married to successful architect Rayanne (Sean Young). He drinks and smokes a lot. He's at home when she gets come home in a cab from a business trip. His car is broken down. They have a modest craftsman bungalow and seem to be on hard times even though she's very successful.

Daisy (Drew Barrymore) is a messenger who goes to the office to find the first dude dead- we saw him shot by someone and Drew is the only eye witness to who left the office. The police arrive and question Daisy about what she saw. In comes Jack as the very famous sketch artist to get a visual based on her description. They go back to the police station where Jack sketches as they both smoke and Daisy describes the person. Jack ends up sketching his wife!? NO, it couldn't be, so he quickly changes the sketch. Because the Sergeant is really waiting on that sketch!!!

 

Daisy turns up dead. 

Jack is having issues with his marriage to Rayanne. It turns out that Rayanne worked on the Silver Fashion building as an architect and that's where the murder took place!

 

Jack comes home to several of Rayanne's friends hanging out, it's an after work party. Rayanne is changing in her room, Jack's not into the party. Rayanne wears a tight sweater with no bra and then puts on tights leggings! It's not enough clothes!

Jack steals clues from the crime scene. The police bring in a person who looks like the fake sketch that Jack made. She's a freelance photographer that has worked for Silver Fashion Studios and she happened to ask Jack for a light when he arrived a the murder crime scene. Jack steals the photographer's open convertible, because he still doesn't have a working car. Jack follows the other head of Silver Fashion Studios, Paul (Tchéky Karyo) to his house and takes photos of him having weird poolside sex with the wife of the murdered guy.

Jack meets the Paul at the factory but then calls Rayanne asking her to bring his gun because he didn't have it with him. At the Silver Fashion factory, it's empty and Paul shows up and plans to kill Jack. But Rayanne is sneaking up behind Paul, so Jack thinks he's in the clear. Turns out Rayanne is the person Daisy saw leaving that night and described to Jack but he just couldn't believe it. Rayanne is having an affair with Paul BUT before they can shoot Jack he shares his photos of Paul having sex with other lady and Rayanne thought she was the only one so she shoots Paul.

Interesting genre of made for cable R rated movie. Funny premise that the sketch artist is super crucial to solving crimes. Jack takes off his shirt a lot. Jack and Rayanne seem like a real mismatch, so it's not a suprise it all goes bad.

Battlefield Earth

 

Watched January 17, 2025

2000

Starring: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, Sabine Karsenti

Director: Roger Christian

 

I read the book! I found it at a little free library. After starting the book, I found the VHS at a thrift store so it was all coming together. I had listened to several bad movie podcasts about the movie so I knew it wasn't good. The paperback is 1066 pages long, so it took me awhile to get though it, and I didn't want to watch the movie until I finished the book.

 

After starting the book, I knew the movie would be a challenge because it's a lot of internal thoughts of Terl and Jonnie, letting the reader know what their plans are and that is hard to show in a movie...let alone many of the other problems the movie has.

 

The movie is so many dutch angles! Text crawl about alien Psychlos taking over planet Earth. Jonnie (Barry Pepper) lives in a cave man looking village. He's off hunting when his dad dies. Chrissy (Sabine Karsenti), his gal pal tells him and immediately wants to take his horse and see if there is more outside their village. The elder warms of the monsters, but Jonnie heads out anyway. On his journey, he finds some other human tribes, they make it to the ruins of a city. Some Psychlos capture them after running through several panes of glass and more dutch angles. Jonnie is taken to the cages where they keep all the humans. ( In the book he is the only human captured at first.)

 

Terl (John Travolta) is the head of the Psychlo security on this planet. He hates it and hopes to leave soon. The Pyschlos don't breath Earth's atmosphere so their city/working area has a glass dome over the whole thing. Terl want to get gold and leave back to Planet Psychlo. He finds a gold vein but it's near uranium which would explode the Psychlo breath gas. He want to get humans to mine it for him. Terl grabs Jonnie after he tries to escape with two other guys. He throws him in the learning machine from the Chinklo people and Jonnie learns the Pscyhlo language and math, etc.

 

Terl then teaches Jonnie to fly Psychlo planes. Terl sets up Ker (Forest Whittaker) to take the blame for training humans. But Terl also get leverage on his superior because he's been lying about the Earth mine not being profitable. Explained better in the book, duh. This leader signs paperwork that is blank so Terl can acquisition the mining materials he needs to steal the gold he wants for himself without letting the company know about it.

 

The humans are dropped off at the mine but Jonnie discovers Ft. Knox on a map so they go get that gold and go train at an old air force base. Chrissie is captured somehow so that's why Jonnie does whatever Terl wants. She has a bomb collar put on her, Jonnie gets the captured folks to work together.

 

The group of humans uses the learning machine to show Ker the footage that Tern is trying to use as leverage to blame Ker if the 'home office' finds out.

 

Terl gets the gold and plans to transport it to his planet with their special transport thing. But the humans escape then one of them joins the shipment with a nuclear bomb. They blow the glass dome but we don't see the Pyschlos asphyxiate, instead Jonnie and Terl fight. Jonnnie puts the bomb collar on Terl's arm and it explodes. They blow up the Psychlo planet and they win.

 

It ends with the humans putting Terl in a prison made of his gold.

 

Some practical effects. The Psychlos  don't look as they are dexcribed in the book, they are supposed to be nine feet tall, hairy with eyelid and mouth bones. Instead it's John Travolta in huge boots and weird claw gloves. Chrissie is about the same poorly written character as the book. Barry Pepper tries his best as Jonnie. Obviously the book is a lot more involved with the interactions but it also has a huge debt/diplomacy ending about negotiating information about the Pyschlos war profiteering wiht all the aliens in the galaxy. The movie is bad, but nothing like I imagined it. It looks like they had a signaficantly lower budget than they expected so a lot of special effects don't cut it and it just seem slike missing footage in other areas.

 

The story could be a mini series now. It's weird Scientology doesn't make more movies based on all L. Ron Hubbard's sci-fi novels because they own it it, right? But this was such a bomb I guess they don't want to go down that route again.

Terrible Movie Nights Issue #7

I have a new issue of Terrible Movie Nights, number 7! Boy, it's been a long time and this collects A  a selection of bad movies I've watched going back to 2017. This had a run of rock nightmare movies like Black Roses, Rocktober Blood and Slaughterhouse Rock.

 Also, if you enjoyed Demi Moore in The Substance, why not check out her horror roots with 1982's Parasite.

You can buy the print zine here.

Twin Sitters

 

Watched June 7, 2024

 

1994

Starring: David Paul, Peter Paul, Christian Cousins, Joseph Cousins

Director: John Paragon

 

I stumbled upon the Barbarian Brothers on IMBD looking at some other production. Their movies looked familiar but I didn't think I had actually seen any of them. We watched trailers for Double Trouble and Twin Sitters. Definitely capitalized on Arnold Schwarzenegger's success and bodybuilder/wrestler appeal in the 1980s. All the trailers seemed the same, it's a comedy with action and stunts and breaking though glass tables and going through doors and windows. So we picked Twin Sitters!

 

Peter (Peter Paul) and David (David Paul) work at an Italian restaurant as servers. Paul Bartel is a customer there with his wife. The cook is making gross food but people are eating it. The brother's trip, drop food, don't pick it up an order and they fight in the restaurant then are chased out by the cook with a decorative ax.

 

Dinner at home with mom and dad. The parents are supportive, one of the brothers is a good cook (not Traxx style) and they suggest they should open their own restaurant! Peter and Paul go to the bank the next day to try to get a loan, but they don't have any assets. They bring a bunch of food dishes they made and force feed the loan officer. They are kicked out of the bank!

 

Meanwhile Mr. Hillhurst (Jared Martin) has been using his trucking empire to dump toxic waste from Leland Stromm (George Lazenby) and making lots of money but is ready to quit. Mr. Stromm threatens Mr. Hillhurst's nephews as he is the guardian of them after their parents died.

 

After not getting the loan, the brothers go to the park. Mr. Hillhurst is there taking to government officials about exposing the bad guys. Then three of the bad guys good start shooting at Mr. Hillhurst right by a playground. David and Peter get playground kids to safety and by saving a real baby from getting run over, they're in the newspaper. They go to their gym, where Mr. Hillhurst's butler Thomas tells them he has a job opportunity for them. Mr. Hillhurst had to go testify and wants the David and Peter to watch his twin nephews, Bradley(Christian Cousins) the evil one and Steven (Joseph Cousins.)

 

The twins drive over to their house in their monster truck. Mr. Hillhurst offers them $5K/day for a week to watch and protect the boys. They agree.

 

Bradley and Steven are little troublemakers at first. There is a horny maid and a weird gardener and a sassy Black cook also at the house. But the cooking brother shares a recipe with the cook and they really get along.The boys say they only eat PB and bologna? At the first dinner, Brad dumps the food on the floor and glues one of the Brothers to his chair. The butler, Thomas is working for the bad guys and tells them which hotel Mr. Hillhurst be in, so the bad guys hires an assassin. 

 

Tuesday, the nephews try to electrocute the brothers in the pool but it doesn't work. The nephews continues to not try the food. The boys private tutor, Judy (Rena Sofer) comes and the brothers sit in on the class. The nephews try to run away and steal a car but the brothers are in the back seat. This breaks down the kids hesitance and the boys try the food and get fashion makeovers from David and Peter!

 

 David and Peter together go on a date with the tutor, but they bring the boys in their monster truck bypassing the security around the house by running over a car. 

The sniper can't take out Mr. Hillhurst at his hotel, so the new plan is the kidnap the nephews and hold them ransom until Mr. Hillhurst does what they want. Back at the house, poolside, one kid goes inside and is grabbed, fights back and the second kid goes in the gets grabbed. Brothers come in and everyone is fighting including the cook. The maid and the gardener are making out when a fight crashes through a glass door onto them. The boys are taken away by helicopter, with the Brother holding on until they have to let go and splashdown in the pool. Thomas tries to leave with the bribe money but the brothers call him out and get him to tell them where the boys are being held.

The boys are on a big ship. The brother calls on all their twin friends to help with the rescue, two Black guy fighters, two Asian fighters (gong sound bummer) and more. They get Brad and Steven back but the ship is rigged to blow up, they all jump in the water to escape the explosion.

The kids are safe and Mr. Hillhurst is no longer being extorted to continue working for Mr. Stamm. The Brother open their restaurant and all their twin friends come and eat. Mr. Hillhurst couldn't pay the brothers but are able to open the restaurant using their butter money?

 

It is a great movie, no, but there is a lot of fun stuff like monster trucks, double date with kids and a lady. Oh boy, the outfits! One million stars! Such a special mix of grunge, early 90s streetwear and wrestling/weightlifting fashion!

Cade: The Tortured Crossing

 

Watched April 13, 2024

 

2023

Starring: Neil Breen

Director: Neil Breen

I haven't seen Twisted Pair, this is the sequel so...? This is all green screen on still backgrounds or stock footage. It's a trip to see if they are able to walk up the stairs in their still image set, and most of the time they are not.

 

Cade (Neil Breen) calls Long Hair Doctor (Gwendolyn Brown), she's standing outside a fancy old building in Europe as the stock footage shows us. Cade says he's on his way and gets in his Ferrari. On the drive, he stops to help some people who are trapped in a car but then attacked by masked folks. He makes it to the event in the fancy building. He's never been to the hospital before but he's going to help. Stock footage of clapping at three difference conferences. After the party, Dr. Kurtz (Nicole Butler) and Long Hair Doctor talk to Cade about how great it is that's he going to help the hospital.

 

The hospital is beyond horribly run down, it's abandoned and overgrown, with dirty mattresses, broken windows, and mold everywhere. There are the two doctors, Dr. Kurtz and Long Hair and somewhere between 4-7 patients. Dr. Kurtz and Long Hair take the patients in a Ford Explorer on a field trip. The driver is clearly drinking from empty bottles but he shouldn't be drinking at all. They make all the patients throw out their crutches before they get into the car. They get into a horrible accident, they were already sick and hurt in someway before. The driver dies I guess, we don't see him again.  They need to get moving before they lose the light.

Cade happens to be walking in their field and he says he can help as he lives nearby. Before Cade take the group back to his home he fights a white tiger who turns into a buxom lady in a white dress, CGI whoa! Dr. Kurtz and Long Hair are either playing different characters or just don't recognize Cade because they call him a stranger. They walk on to his castle, he has 30 bedrooms but just one background. This is where Long Hair gets her name, she lets down four feet of her hair to try to seduce Cade, but he is not into it. Even though the castle is large, the rest of the patients just lay down on the floor and go to sleep. During the night one of the patients gets up to run way...? They all make it back to the hospital I guess.

 

Cade's twin brother Cale is stealing blood and drugs from the patients who are being experimented on. The patients are also helpers in the hospital. I guess the two women could be doctors and separate nurse and patients??? There is apparently a human trafficking plot where Cale is stealing people off the street and bringing them to the hospital for experiments? There are a group of police officers who don't do anything. The patients cry out, bleed from their mouths and eyes and but the doctors don't do anything.

 

One of the patients plays the keyboard in their room. Later the group goes outside and does a synchronized dance number to the keyboard song- best part of the movie!

 

Cale tells us the medicine isn't working for him. It's hard to tell if he's a real person or a ghost anyway. It doesn't seem like anyone sees him aside from Cade. 

 

Cade and the Dr. Kurtz fall in love, of course. Cade trains the patients to fight. They all disappear after the super big fight with the hooded characters. Cade first tells Dr. Kurtz that he has to leave, then he immediately changes his mind. The cops show up after the battle. Cade kills Cale with a magic sword because Cale is dying of face mutation. Uh...the end. He fixes the hospital.

 

All the trademarks of a Neil Breen joint but all green screen! The dialogue doesn't make sense or really move the plot forward, just talking. Who is running this hospital?  There really isn't a through line about anything. Cade is not a savior and Cale isn't an antagonist.

The Omega Code

Watched August 23, 2024

 

1999

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Catherine Oxenberg, Michael Ironside, Michael York
Director: Robert Marcarelli

I had seen this one before but I kept the VHS, so I assumed that was for a reason. I usually get rid of the movies I don't have an interest in watching again. I recently picked up Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, so I forced everybody to watch the first one in preparation of the sequel.

Dominic (Michael Ironside) is disguised as a Hasidic Jew in Israel when he sneaks up on a man who has been deciphering the Omega code from the Torah. The man tears out the last line of the code and puts in his pocket but then Dominic shoots him and steasl his computer files.

 

Gillen Lane (Casper Van Dien) is a motivational speaker/mythology expert. He goes on Cassandra Barashe's (Catherine Oxenberg) talk show to share his new book. He does mention the torah code and that is predicted Princess Di's death. He's very enthusiastic and the audience loves him.

 

In Italy, Stone Alexander (Michael York) gets a humanitarian award. Gillen and Cassandra are there too. There is a horse that makes Gillen have a spooky vision. Gillen wants to connect with Stone about something. Meanwhile in a tech basement, a guy with a Russian accent is using the Omega code to spit out prophesies.

 

Gillen goes back to his estranged wife Jennifer (Devon Odessa, Angela's old friend on My So-Called Life) and their daughter. They are only having problems because his job takes him away. They both appear to want to reconcile. He takes a teaching job locally.

 

Stone gets the prophecies and bombs the Dome of the Rock to make the prophesy come true. Israel and Palestine rebuild together and there is three years of peace. Gillen breaks his promise and doesn't stick around with his family, instead he joins Stone and Dominic on their 'peace' mission. Stone needs Gillen as part of the prophecy.

 

From the beginning, there are two angel protectors who look like men who have been sent by Job to make sure the prophecies don't come true. 

 

Stone is shot by Dominic when he feels betrayed by not being made the prophet. Stone magically recovers at the hospital revealing he is not human.

 

Here's what I got out of it: Stone is the demon/devil and figures out the prophesies then makes them happen. Gillen is the neutral good but is needed by Stone to make it all happen. Cassandra seems good at first but then betrays Gillen. Dominic is bad all along then pissed when he isn't chosen as the prophet. Stone wants Gillen as the chosen prophet instead. God stops Stone with a blinding blast of light.

 

I guess if you're really religious and know the bible, it's like the bible brought to life in a thrilling way! Except it's not thrilling, there is no suspense. The mystery to me was more "what the hell is going on?" instead of "what will happen next?" There are some cool practical effects car chases and crashes. I loved the visualization of the code on the 90s computers. Stone does manage a peace treaty between Israel and Palestine, unfortunately a real life thing that doesn't seem to have a nonviolent solution. Gillen's monochromatic suits are cool, the acting is fine. There is minimal horrible CGI with some around the world explosions. I appreciate a lot of things filmed on location. 

 

These "star" studded Christian movies are very weird.I don't know why I kept the VHS. I also have Left Behind. I do have some interest in the Christian apocalypse even if it's real preachy and not enough people die.

From Beyond

 Watched March 31, 2023

1986

Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, Ken Foree, Ted Sorel

Director: Stuart Gordon

In the attic of a large house, Dr. Crawford Tillinghast (Jeffrey Combs) is using a giant room computer, in the center is the "resonator". He manages to turn it all on and he sees swimming worms in the air, but one bites his cheek. Crwaford gets the other scientist, Dr. Pretorious (Ted Sorel) to check out the experiment and he loves it! Crawford wants to turn it off, but it attacks Dr. Pretorious. A neighbor calls the cops about the noise, but then her mini-poodles runs in the house. The dog goes to the attic, the lady finds him but Crawford uses an ax to break the door down. Crawford passes the lady on the stairs. Outside the cops arrest Crawford.

Dr. McMichaels (Barbara Crampton) arrives at the psyschiatric hospital. Dr. Bloch, the lead doctor in charge doesn't Dr. McMichaels approach to treating schizophrenia. Dr. McMichaels likes running experiments instead of locking people up in a cell. They do a CT scan on Crawford, he's in a padded room. Dr. McMichaels asks Crawford what happened with Dr. Pretorious. They think Crawford is crazy because he said the resonator creature ate Dr. P's head- but they couldn't find his head. Dr. McMichaels wants to recreate the experiment right away. (Give Crawford a break, he really doesn't want to go, I get it). Crawford is released from the hospital, he thinks he can just leave, but McMichaels informs him he is in her custody. They get Bubba (Ken Foree), a police officer/private security to assist them. 

 

All three head back to the house/lab, a crime scene, but no big deal for them to go back there. Crawford really doesn't want to go back and recreate the experiment but McMichaels is insistent.  They get into the house, Bubba trips over a huge power cable. Crawford rewired the house to power the resonator. There is a switch in the basement. Bubba and Crawford find Dr. Pretorious's S&M room and play a tape that Dr. Pretorious made of him beating a woman. Crawford shows Bubba and Dr. McMichaels the resonator. When Crawford tried to stop it earlier, he axed one of the rods so they have to fix it. They get the resonator working again.

 

Round 1, it works. They see Dr. Pretorious appear in a human form but Crawford touches him and his skin is squishy dough. They turn it off. Dr. McMichaels immediately wants to do the experiment again but it's late and they all spend the night at the house. Crawford has to sleep in the S&M room. They have weird dreams. Dr. McMichaels wakes up and turns the resonator on but it brings Dr. Pretorious as a monster that attacks her and rips her nightgown. Bubba and Crawford wake up. Thye can't get to the attic so they head to shut the power off in basement. But there's a wet basement worm there! Both McMichaels and Crawford are being worm kissed. Bubba rips out the power cable. Crawford is covered in worm burns and now hairless. Dr. McMichaels escapes Dr. Pretorious and Crawford rests. Bubba tells McMichaels to get dressed, they're leaving. In the S&M room, Dr. McMichaels is still horny hypnotized, so she puts some leather gear and grinds on a sleeping Crawford. Bubba shows up, Dr. McMichaels comes onto him but he shakes her out of it for a minute. 

 

Dr. Pretorius manages to use his brain power to make the resonator machine work again. They try to turn it off again but it zaps them. Crawford is too weak. A bunch of bugs attack Crawford and Dr. McMichaels but Bubba gets them to go towards the light. Then the bugs attach and eat Bubba, he's a skeleton. Dr. McMichaels is almost dragged into the Pretorious monster. She grabs a fire extinguisher and that briefly turns off the machine. Crawford's head worm has emerged. Crime scene #2.

Crawford is back at the psychiatric hospital being examined by angry Dr. Bloch. Dr. McMichaels has a crazy story now. Dr. Bloch is pissed and recommends electroshock therapy by force. Crawford awakens and his pineal vision leads him to brains- he finds the pathology lab. Dr. Bloch gets him but he eats her brain.  Dr. McMichaels escapes electroshock therapy because Crawford is loose. She gets the can and goes back to the house. Crawford eats an EMT's brain then goes back to the hosue too. 

 

Dr. McMichaels sets up a bomb on the resonator but is attacked by Crawford. She bites his pineal gland stalk. Crawford is eaten by Pretorious but then tries to destroy him from the inside. They rip each other apart. Dr. McMichaels jumps out the window and rips her knee but survives the fall. She's now where Crawford was at the beginning " IT ate his head!" but no one believes her. The neighbors show up.

 

Shot in Italy and Austria? Barbara Crampton is geat. Some weird timing, they take Crawford back to the attic too soon after he watched his mentor get his head eaten. Great gross practical effects. I have a hard time seeing Crawford as a sympathetic character. A little more explanation of the experiment would have helped as well as showing how entranced Dr. McMichaels gets. Good not great.

Elves

 

Watched December 21, 2023

1989

Starring: Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin

Director: Jeffrey Mandel

 

I bought this as a VHS to DVD burn to make sure I could watch it for the Christmas season.

Three young ladies go into the woods. The leader Kirsten (Julie Austin) is carrying a candle and an ancient book from her grandfather. Kirsten has drawn a sexy lady with a bar design on her boobs in her notebook. They light the candle but get spooked by a sound. The candle holder burns Kirsten's hand, she drops it, it breaks cutting her hand and letting blood spill onto the ground. The girls all leave, but the 'elf' is reborn from the ground. It doesn't resemble anything I ever considered as an elf, it's a goblin demon at best.

 

Kirsten goes home, her grandfather has a German accent and is in a wheelchair. He slaps her for going in the woods with the book. Kirsten's mom also yells at her and says she'll drain Kirsten's personal savings?! Kirsten has a little brother age 9/10 who says swears and says he likes girls with big boobs. They have a black cat name Agamemnon who is nice. The elf is trying to get to the house,which we see from the elf's POV. It appears in Willy's room. The cat saves Willy and scares the Elf away but the uptight mom thinks it was the cat.

 

Kirsten works at Golem's department store at the restaurant inside. She's a server. Her two friends come and visit her there. She takes a break to goof on the store Santa, it's Christmas time.

 

Meanwhile, Mike (Dan Haggerty) comes into the department store looking for a job. He's a washed up police detective turned store detective now unemployed. No job is available for him right now.

Kirsten is sexually harassed by Santa, he whispers 'oral' in her ear as she sits on his lap. Santa goes on break and is fired but then is stabbed in the nuts by the elf in the back room. He's dead. The sexy Santa's helper finds him. The detective suspects Kirsten because she got Santa fired.

 

While Kirsten is at work, the mom drowns the cat in the toilet and buried it in the backyard

Three guys show up and talk to the Grandpa, they're neo-nazi's. They talk about the elfs as an eugenics experiment breeding elves with humans to create the master race.

 

Once Kirsten come home she looks for the cat, but can't find it. We see that the elf dug up the dead cat.

 

With the Santa dead, Mike becomes the replacement Santa and moves in the the store back room.  Someone had put a padlock on his trailer while he looking for a job, but I don't think he was supposed to be living in the store. That same night, Kirsten and her two friends invite three boys to party after hours in the department store. Mike is there, he has disconnected the alarm and taped the door so it doesn't lock him out.

 

The girls arrive, they also disconnected the back door alarm and try on outfits and wait for the boys. But when they get there the door is locked by Mike. The boys try to get in, but the three neo-nazis arrive and beat up the boys, killing at least one.  The neo-nazis are looking for Kirsten, they kill one of the girls, and the second is killed by an elf. The nazis shoot at Mike and Kirsten. Cops arrive, Kirsten is the survivor. They know Mike since he used to be a cop. They dust for prints. Mike and Kirsten are released and he takes her  home but the mom doesn't believe Kirsten's friends are dead. 

 

It's revealed that Kirsten is the product of incest. The grandpa drugged the mom, raped her and made her have Kirsten.

 

Mike has been noticing a rune symbol around where the elf has been, he finds a professor to explain it and it turns out not to be a rune it's biblical instead. The neo-nazi grandfather created Kirsten as the perfect vessel for the elves. They won't kill her. The other nazis are killed by the elf. The mom is electrocuted by a radio in the bath. The grandpa explains the elves need the crystal he's been keeping for a long time. Kirsten and Willy run to the woods but she trips on a hole and hurts her leg. Willy goes back to the get the magical crystal and Kirsten stabs the ground which destroys the elf. Were there more than one elf, I don't know, that isn't made clear. What a weird combo of nazis, elves and Christmas. I had a big problem with the look of the elves. The looks at the department store are awesome. It's not a good movie

Deadly Eyes

Watched October 27, 2023

1982

Starring: Sam Groom, Sara Botsford, Scatman Crothers, Lisa Langlois

Director: Robert Clouse

The internet tricked me, saying this movie was available on all streaming services, that is not correct. Shout/Scream Factory did a Blu-ray release but due to lack of planning we watched a file entitled 'my edit' from a random user on YouTube that was so compressed that a good amount of details were lost, oh well. Check out the Blu-ray, the trailer looked great.

Kelly Leonard (Sarah Botsford) the health inspector goes to a grainery with George Foskins (Scatman Crothers). The grain has been contaminated with steroids so George torches the grain.

High school students are on a field trip where they are listening to a lecture about rats from Dr. Louis Spencer (Cec Linder.) Trudy (Lisa Langlois) talks to her friend about being over her boyfriend because she's in love with their teacher Mr. Paul Harris (Sam Groom.) They all take the bus back to school and Trudy hits on Mr. Harris hard.

Meanwhile, by torching the grainery the gigantic steroid fed rats now have to look for a new food source and their first pick is people!

 

Mr. Harris is also the basketball coach. Right after basketball practice, Trudy surprises Mr. Harris in the locker room and kisses him but he's not interested. The rest of the kids head to one kid house to hang out. While leaving, one teen gets bit outside in the snow. They come back to the school to get help from Mr. Harris who helps them get to the hospital.

 

At the hospital the doctors say it looks like a rat bite, but a very large rat bite. Here is where Mr. Harris meets Kelly Leonard (Sarah Botsford) the health inspector from the beginning.

At the teen party (kinda) I mean after school hang out. The host girl is making out with a dude in one of the bedrooms but her baby sister cries so she has to get in and puts her in a high chair in the kitchen. It's dark outside but it's also winter so it could be 4pm. The rest of the kids leave the party, the girl goes to get the baby sister out of the high chair but all she sees is blood. She follows the blood trail down to the basement, but all she finds on the baby sister is a bloody onesie! She is then also attacked by the rats, no one mentions her again. 

 

Mr. Harris is a divorced dad sharing custody of his kid. At the park, Mr. Harris runs into Kelly while she is jogging and he's playing with his kid. His kid plays hide and seek, hides in a tunnel and is almost rat food, but Mr. Harris gets him in time and nevers sees the rat.

 

George goes to check out something in some tunnels, potential rat stuff and is eaten by rats.

 

Kelly gets Mr. Harris's number out of the phone book. There's a whole beautiful scene of him trying to figure out how to cook a hungry man dinner for one, luckily Kelly calls and they go out. They got back to her place and have some fairly graphic sex with nipple kissing. In the morning, she gets a call about George and takes Mr. Harris with her to the scene. George is barely recognizable when they find his body. Mr. Harris recommends the rat expert, Dr. Spencer who explains the rats will eat everyone unless they're trapped and poisoned. 

 

Mr. Harris and his son are invited to the Mayor's new train line opening. Harris and his son are at home getting ready. Mr. Harris goes to change and finds Trudy in his bed in nothing but a slip. He's half dressed because he was getting ready for the opening but then Kelly comes to get them. Kelly assumes that Paul is sleeping with Trudy, she takes the son to the subway opening anyway and leaves Mr. Harris alone.

The teens all go to the movies. The brunette is waiting for Skip, the boy she likes but he works at the bowling alley and can't get off his shift. He goes to clean out some stuff in the pin reset area and is attacked by rats. The rats attack the theater, the waiting brunette teen doesn't get attacked at first but then is pushed out of a window as the crowd rushes out. Trudy is also crushed to death.

The Mayor and Kelly and a bunch of kids get on the train but then it's stopped because the rats have chewed through the cables. The party is awaiting their arrival so the Mayor is pissed it's going so poorly. Eventually they get off the stopped train car to walk to the station where the big party is happening. Mr. Harris makes it to the party but the train car hasn't arrived and he tries to warn them about the rats. The train does arrive and inside the rats are eating everyone. Mr. Harris and son and health inspector make it out alive.

 

 Highlights: dead baby in the first 20 minutes and they never check on that family again. All the teens die, which is satisfying. Sex scenes are too nipply for my taste. We also see two difference shower scenes with Mr. Harris, it's a lot. I love the freezing cold Toronto vibes, especially with the kids playing in the snowy park.Mr. Harris trying to figure out how to make a frozen meal for one is wonderful. But choosing to watch a terrible upload on YouTube made it so dark during the big scenes we couldn't even see that the rats are dogs in costumes.

Strays

 

Watched October 13, 2023

1991

Starring: Timothy Busfield, Claudia Christian, Kathleen Quinlan

Director: John McPherson

(Written by Shaun Cassidy, what?!)

An old woman lives in a old Victorian house in the woods with a bunch of cats. She looks in the fridge, no cat food there and the cats are hungry. She has to go to the cellar for more canned cat food. Tons of cats follow her, she reaches for a can of food and the cats attack her.

Driving down a country road, Paul (Timothy Busfield), Lindsey (Kathleen Quinlan) and Daughter Tessa (Heather and Jessica Lilly) are going to check out a new home. It happens to be listed by Claire (Claudia Christian), Lindsey's sister. The family talks about moving to this tiny country town of Garth. It's 1 1/2 hours from the city, which city who knows but that's where Paul works as a lawyer. But they need to move for their young kid, the city's no place to for kids. Paul's not super into the house since it's old and will need some work but Lindsey really likes it so they buy it.

 

They move in. Paul is a lawyer and Lindsey is a writer but her last book hasn't earned out so they are a little stressed about making it work. Claire is going through a divorce and has hired Paul to represent her. The family has a dog, Paul is very allergic to cats. The phone man comes to connect their service, the box is in the cellar but it's all chewed up by rats (or cats?). He says he has to come back but in the meantime he left a direct connection phone hook up in the cellar. They do have a cell phone, but it gets spotty service. 

 

The family is driving back from the town with fix it supplies, a cat jumps on their hood and Paul drives the car into a ditch. They see the cat saunter off, is it all a plan?

 

Claire comes to visit their new home and kisses Paul on the mouth too long, making Lindsey mad. Lindsey, Claire and Tessa go to lunch together. Claire talks about flirting with an old friend and Lindsey says she should just be alone for a bit.

The phone guy comes back in his red truck. Paul is at work and Lindsey is putting mousetraps in the attic so she doesn't hear him. Phone guy is attacked by a mean gray cat, he falls on some shelves and dies. Then a cool tow truck driver shows up, knocks on the door, doesn't get a response so he tows the phone guys truck- evidence destroyed.

 

Their car is still in the ditch. That night their dog is attacked. The vet does a house call and chides them for being irresponsible pet owners. Then the vet pulls a gun, a squirt gun! but it looks real and he says to use it on the cats, as cats hate being sprayed by water.

Lindsey finds a white Persian cat in the attic with one gray baby kitten. Lindsay and Tessa want to keep it even though the Paul is allergic. 

 

Lindsay is painting the ceiling when she pokes a hole through it. Lindsay puts Tessa down for a nap, but hears weird stuff and finds the crib covered in cats! Luckily the daughter had moved to the closet but the gray cat is aggressively trying to get into the closet. Lindsay and Tessa get to the mom's bedroom but the cats are breaking through the door,  Lindsay blocks it but now big gray cat is coming through the wall vent. Lindsay blocks that with two pillows. With the cell phone, Lindsay calls Paul's office but the reception is bad. Paul freaks out, cancels his court date, borrows his secretary's car and heads to the house. Claire was getting ready for the court date and gets a message about the cancellation and that Paul has a family issue. A big storm starts and Claire drives over to the house too.

 

Lindsay gets a pitcher of water from the tub but she had to break the knob to get it to work so the tub starts to fill up with water. Lindsay manages to call the police from the cellar phone connection. Linsay and Tessa leave the house and hide in the playhouse. Tessa notices a car so Lindsay goes inside to see who it is. Claire had been looking for them upstairs, a cat jumps out of a box and she falls off the balcony onto a table- she's dead! In an earlier meeting with Paul, as her divorce lawyer, it's revealed that Claire cheated in the marriage so that shows that she's evil and deserved to die.

 

Paul comes back to find Lindsay crouched in the driveway. They both go to get the Tessa from the playhouse but she's back in the house in the kitchen. Tessa crawls out the doggy door to Lindsay. Paul fights gray cat, puts him the microwave but the cat jumps out. Spraying water doesn't work on this cat but gray cat is electrocuted on a fraying wire.  Police arrive and ask Paul "Are you owner?" and the answer is no, the cats own this house.

 

They sell the house and go back to the city. Another realtor shows the house to a couple  but now gray cat's baby is watching.

 

It's pretty hard to make a bunch of cats seem menacing. The judgy vet is so weird.  There is a scene where gray cat sprays urine all over the house and they talk about and it's a pretty good reason to get out of there. The subplot of the sister getting a divorce is not needed. At first Paul and Lindsay are hot and heavy but the flirty sister makes mom cold. It's surprised the sister really died, she could have survived. Decently silly animal attack movie, no credit for the tow truck dude.

Bats

Watched October 6, 2023

1999

Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips, Dina Meyer, Bob Gunton, Leon

Director: Louis Morneau

 

Gallup, TX

Nighttime, two teens stop beside a railroad crossing. They're fighting but make up and kiss. As the train passes, they are attacked by bats.

 

Arizona

Dr. Sheila Casper (Dina Meyer) is a wildlife zoologist with a bat specialty. She's spelunking in a cave with her assistant Jimmy (Leon) outside the cave talking to her through a radio headset. She's looking at cute little bats when a helicopter lands. Dr. Alexander McCabe (Bob Gunton) and Dr. Tobe Hodge (Carlos Jacott) request her assistance because of the teens killed by bats.

 

Back in Gallup, TX, Sheriff Emmet Kimsey (Lou Diamond Phillips) greets Dr. McCabe, Tobe and Dr. Casper. They do autopsy on the teen and find a hug bat claw. Dr. McCabe says they're flying foxes, the biggest type of bat and he's been doing some sort of testing on them. 

 

Dr. Casper, Leon and Sheriff Emmet set up some nets around a cave area and wait for dark to trap some of them coming out. The bats swarm Sheila and Emmet's truck, aggressively trying to get inside any way possible, through the tailpipe and heating ducts. They drive the car over to Leon and the other cop and manage to get the bats away. They capture one under the wheel, tag in so it'll show them to the cave. They let it go but two other bats sense the tracking device and tear it in half. Sheila is suspicious of Dr. McCabe's research.

Emmet tells the town's mayor to keep everyone inside. Dr. Casper, Emmet and Jimmy head back to town where everyone is out and about, the stay inside warning was ignored. A mom is taking in night laundry and is attacked. The baby sleeping inside is a puppet, but the baby scene seems to be cut as the baby isn't attacked. Chaos reigns on Main St. as the bats attack. The junior cop is killed. Emmet and Dr. Casper are under a truck hiding but then the owner drives off leaving them vulnerable. Dr. Casper gets in a mini mart and shoots some bats.  Dr. Hodge dies helping Dr. Casper. Eventually the bats go home. The town is evacuated and the military comes in. Dr. Casper convinces them to give her and the team 48 hours to figure out a different solution to their idea of bombing the whole town to destroy the bats. Dr. Hodge died during the Main st. massacre helping Dr. Casper.

Dr. Casper, Emmet, Jimmy and Dr. McCabe take over the empty high school. They attach chain link fencing over the doors and windows then electrify it to protect themselves. But when the bats attack, Dr. McCabe turns off the electricity. Dr. McCabe has a mind link with the bats. After fighting the bats in the school with flame throwers and such. Emmet gets the generator going and fries a bunch of bats. Dr. McCabe is drawn outside and the bats kill him. 

The next day, Emmet figures out the bats must be nesting in the old mine. The idea is that they will freeze the bats as they sleep. They put on hazmat style suits because of the ammonia/guano fumes. Emmet and Dr. Casper go down in the cave while Jimmy stays above. They only have an hour to get the freezer to work before the military blows up the town. They fall into a river of guano. They find the machine and get it working. The temperature begins to cool. But Dina told Jimmy to the blow the entrance if anything weird happens. Emmet and Dr. Casper do make it out just in time, the entrance is blown up and the bats are stopped.

 

As Emmet, Dr. Casper and Jimmy leave a bat tries to crawl out of the ground but is run over.

 

Bats delivers on the title, there are a lot of bats in this movie. Boy, practical effects really make a whatever animal attack movie so much better! The pacing is weird and you don't care much about how the whole plan is going to work, but it does. Jimmy is the voice of the audience saying what we're all thinking: Let's get out of here, mainly. I was worried about the PG-13 being dull but it was fine.

The Birds II: Land's End

 

Watched June 30, 2023

1994

Starring: Brad Johnson, Chelsea Field, Tippi Hedren, James Naughton

Director: Rick Rosenthal 

The VHS box makes it look real bad, but the production is actually pretty good.

 

 A fishing and game guy is out on the water collecting birds that have been affected by an oil spill. He does some tests then the birds attack him on the boat and poke his eyes out killing him.

 

Ted (Brad Johnson) and his family are on the ferry with their golden retriever going from the mainland to Gall's Ferry. Ted's wife May (Chelsea Field) got a job teaching how to use the desktop publishing computer to the photographer Frank (James Naughton) who runs the local newspaper. They have two daughters who are age 9 and 11. They've rented an old house right on the water. Ted is supposed to work on his thesis to finish his PhD so he can do more than teach high school biology.

 

They have one car, a Ford Explorer. The birds are acting peculiar, but their dog is good at sniffing it out. The kids are worried about staying on the island in the old house: no tv, no fun. First night in the new house, Ted has a nightmare revealing they had a son who was killed in a car flipping accident five years ago. 

 

Frank the photographer immediately hits on the May as she tries to do her new job. At home the girls explore and ride bikes while Ted gets writer's block. He tries to paint an exterior light fixture red. A seagull beak stabs him in the head, he falls off the ladder. His girl's see and laugh. The red paint spills. Frank gives the May a ride home just in time to see Ted cleaning up the paint.

 

Helen (Tippi Hedren) runs the local general store. She sees the band aid on Ted's head and recommends he see the town doc, even though the wound doesn't seem bad. The doc is also the mayor and he has his office at the local tavern. They discuss his cut, a bird eh? who cares.

 

May is trying to connect with Ted. They make out on the screen porch but the dog keeps barking at the birds and that disrupts their romance.

Ted tries to write again, the girls go and play on the beach but discover a corpse! It's the fish and game department guy. The town Mayor/ Doctor doesn't entertain that birds could be the culprit. An old fisherman picks up another dead bird. He unintentionally scares the girls. 

 

At work, Frank kisses May, she pulls away. She comes home mad, who is going to make dinner? they start to have a fight. But then the old fisherman knocks on the door and brings a big fish to them. He's the lighthouse keeper. He stays for dinner and they all have a nice time.

 

At some point, the girls rescued a bird the dog had grabbed and named him Eggbert. That bird leaves once he's recovered, but then that night he taps on the window to be let in. It's a trap! The girls let the bird in but that leaves the window open for a pigeon attack. May and Ted try to protect the girls and get them out of the bedroom where the birds are attacking.

 

In the morning, they decide to leave the island, but the birds attacked their car and it won't start. The previous night it was also shown that the birds attacked the lighthouse keeper. 

 

Ted goes to borrow the lighthouse keeper's car and find him dead. They take his car anyway and get to dock where the ferry to the mainland is waiting. They try to get on the ferry. The mayor and his friends start shooting at the birds, it's great! A boat pulling away still has a fuel pump attached, this leaks fuel all over the water. Then someone shoots a flare at bird, the bird is on fire, it falls in the water. Several parts of the dock explode. The family gets into a little boat, but they get too close to bird island. They flip the boat over and hide. The birds punch holes in the boat, but then leave. The family climbs back on top and it's assumed they are rescued.

 

No need for a sequel, duh. No explanation of the bird attacks. Good bird explosions though. The dead son doesn't add much, just tension within the family. The kids are fine. It's pretty whatever, they do mention the original movie with the Bodega Bay incident so I guess it's an official sequel.