Elves

 

Watched December 21, 2023

1989

Starring: Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin

Director: Jeffrey Mandel

 

I bought this as a VHS to DVD burn to make sure I could watch it for the Christmas season.

Three young ladies go into the woods. The leader Kirsten (Julie Austin) is carrying a candle and an ancient book from her grandfather. Kirsten has drawn a sexy lady with a bar design on her boobs in her notebook. They light the candle but get spooked by a sound. The candle holder burns Kirsten's hand, she drops it, it breaks cutting her hand and letting blood spill onto the ground. The girls all leave, but the 'elf' is reborn from the ground. It doesn't resemble anything I ever considered as an elf, it's a goblin demon at best.

 

Kirsten goes home, her grandfather has a German accent and is in a wheelchair. He slaps her for going in the woods with the book. Kirsten's mom also yells at her and says she'll drain Kirsten's personal savings?! Kirsten has a little brother age 9/10 who says swears and says he likes girls with big boobs. They have a black cat name Agamemnon who is nice. The elf is trying to get to the house,which we see from the elf's POV. It appears in Willy's room. The cat saves Willy and scares the Elf away but the uptight mom thinks it was the cat.

 

Kirsten works at Golem's department store at the restaurant inside. She's a server. Her two friends come and visit her there. She takes a break to goof on the store Santa, it's Christmas time.

 

Meanwhile, Mike (Dan Haggerty) comes into the department store looking for a job. He's a washed up police detective turned store detective now unemployed. No job is available for him right now.

Kirsten is sexually harassed by Santa, he whispers 'oral' in her ear as she sits on his lap. Santa goes on break and is fired but then is stabbed in the nuts by the elf in the back room. He's dead. The sexy Santa's helper finds him. The detective suspects Kirsten because she got Santa fired.

 

While Kirsten is at work, the mom drowns the cat in the toilet and buried it in the backyard

Three guys show up and talk to the Grandpa, they're neo-nazi's. They talk about the elfs as an eugenics experiment breeding elves with humans to create the master race.

 

Once Kirsten come home she looks for the cat, but can't find it. We see that the elf dug up the dead cat.

 

With the Santa dead, Mike becomes the replacement Santa and moves in the the store back room.  Someone had put a padlock on his trailer while he looking for a job, but I don't think he was supposed to be living in the store. That same night, Kirsten and her two friends invite three boys to party after hours in the department store. Mike is there, he has disconnected the alarm and taped the door so it doesn't lock him out.

 

The girls arrive, they also disconnected the back door alarm and try on outfits and wait for the boys. But when they get there the door is locked by Mike. The boys try to get in, but the three neo-nazis arrive and beat up the boys, killing at least one.  The neo-nazis are looking for Kirsten, they kill one of the girls, and the second is killed by an elf. The nazis shoot at Mike and Kirsten. Cops arrive, Kirsten is the survivor. They know Mike since he used to be a cop. They dust for prints. Mike and Kirsten are released and he takes her  home but the mom doesn't believe Kirsten's friends are dead. 

 

It's revealed that Kirsten is the product of incest. The grandpa drugged the mom, raped her and made her have Kirsten.

 

Mike has been noticing a rune symbol around where the elf has been, he finds a professor to explain it and it turns out not to be a rune it's biblical instead. The neo-nazi grandfather created Kirsten as the perfect vessel for the elves. They won't kill her. The other nazis are killed by the elf. The mom is electrocuted by a radio in the bath. The grandpa explains the elves need the crystal he's been keeping for a long time. Kirsten and Willy run to the woods but she trips on a hole and hurts her leg. Willy goes back to the get the magical crystal and Kirsten stabs the ground which destroys the elf. Were there more than one elf, I don't know, that isn't made clear. What a weird combo of nazis, elves and Christmas. I had a big problem with the look of the elves. The looks at the department store are awesome. It's not a good movie