Watched March 2, 2014
1987
Starring: Robert Sean Leonard, Cheryl Pollack, Evan Mirand, Rene Auberjonois, David Warner, Paul Willson
Jeremy (Robert Sean Leonard) is your average horny teenage dude. He has two crushes, blond cheerleader Candy (LeeAnne Locken) and brainy band member Darla (Cheryl Pollack.) He has sex dreams about both of them. He works as a grocery delivery boy and one of his new clients is a sexy older woman who aggressively hits on him. He wimps out while he's on the job but heads over to her house later that night at the prodding of his best friend Ralph (Evan Mirand). Pretty quickly Jeremy is in the woman's bed and things are getting intense, she bites him but they're suddenly interrupted by Professor McCarthy (David Warner) and Grimdyke (Paul Willson). They attack the woman, while Jeremy runs out clad in nothing but a sheet. Ralph and Jeremy drive off as the woman's house bursts into flames.
It turns out that the woman was a vampire and now Jeremy is infected, but he doesn't know that. He feels kinda strange but he still can go out in the sunlight. Prof. McCarthy and his lackey Grimdyke are vampire hunters and they felt it was their job to kill the lady vampire. They saw Jeremy and Ralph escape so they have someone new to track down and destroy. They think that Ralph is the new vampire so they begin following him.
Jeremy has his own stalker, a strange man who pops up randomly. Jeremy doesn't know what exactly is happening to him. He has lost his appetite but it strongly attracted to raw meat but can't bring himself to eat it. Jeremy finds some courage to finally ask out Darla. They go on a
pizza date but he unknowingly orders garlic on their pie and Jeremy can't eat it. It's their first date but things go well so they end up at make out point. The only problem is that while kissing Jeremy discovers his fangs. He freaks out, kicks Darla out of the car and drives off. He has no clue what is happening to himself.
The strange man finally introduces himself to Jeremy as Modoc (Rene Auberjonois) a living vampire. He gives Jeremy, who he explains is also a living vampire, a handbook on how to be a vampire. It takes a bit but Jeremy gets into it and stocks his mini-fridge with pig's blood in beer cans. Jeremy even feels like he can make up the terrible date with Darla.
Lots of goofy hijinks ensue as Ralph tries to get away from Prof. McCarthy. In the end, Jeremy lures them into a graveyard where a bunch of vampire babes seduce him. The original lady vampire shows up again, I guess she wasn't killed after all. Being a teenage living vampire isn't so bad after all.
This movie is great, a nice teen horror/comedy. I had seen it before but I was recently gifted a VHS copy and I'm happy to have it in my collection. For some reason I though Twilight was the only movie to make vampires that can go out in the sunlight, but this movie uses that same conceit but actually explains it somewhat logically and makes it fun. No stupid sparkles here. Darla wears some of the strangest outfits I've seen in awhile, it seems like her whole goal is to look like a giant sack. She just piles layers and layers on then tops it off with giant hats.
Watched February 21, 2014
2000
Starring: Darrow Igus, Larry Bates, Sarah Scott Davis, Danny Wooten
We are introduced to Dr. Bones (Darrow Igus) a record producer, when his assistant brings a singer to audition for him. When Dr. Bones plays his intended backing track, the guy's head explodes. Dr. Bones discovers that to fulfill his intended plan he need to find a really great live group. He holds open auditions where he meets Urban Protectors, a hot R&B band with a really sexy lead singer Lisa (Sarah Scott Davis). Urban Protectors have their own sound guy, Jamal (Larry Bates) who Dr. Bones and his assistant instantly dislike. Dr. Bones loves the Urban Protectors unique sound so he signs them right away. Jamal is a little wary but still supportive of his group.
Dr. Bones wants the Urban Protectors to play a live show to show off their talents, or so they think. It turns out that Dr. Bones has a crazy spell that he wants to cast to take over the world. He can hide the spell in music but when he tried recorded sound that guy's head exploded. They play the show and the spell works, it gives Dr. Bones control over everyone. Jamal knows something is up so he heads to the basement where he finds Dr. Bones working his spell. He also finds a aquarium that is empty except for a bunch of hearts on stands. Jamal grabs one of the hearts, squeezing it and he watches one of Dr. Bones minions fall down dead. Jamal manages to shake the band out of their stupor and convince them Dr. Bones is bad news. All the hearts are destroyed and Dr. Bones is pushed into a power convertor and destroyed...or so we think!
The effects are pretty terrible, there are a lot of rubber 3D hearts being tossed around. It's a short movie at about 73 minutes but it feels much longer which isn't a good sign.
This is a Full Moon production, so I knew I was in for some direct to video, low budget storytelling. Before the movie even began we got to see a trailer for Ragdoll, an advertisement for the Ragdoll doll, and an for the soundtrack to Ragdoll. Then we got to see an ad for the soundtrack to The Horrible Dr. Bones, all before the movie started. I don't want any of those products but it did make me check out the Full Moon site and you can subscribe to their streaming service and watch all their terrible movies, I'm genuinely tempted.
Watched February 16, 2014
1994
Starring: Eddie Bowz, Darin Heames, Leland Hayward, Anna Karin, Monique Mannen, Heather Medway, Antonio Todd, Erick Weiss.
Richard (Eddie Bowes) is a grad student who proposes an interesting experiment to his professor. He plans to takes several people, mostly couples, to his uncle's cabin for a weekend of fear therapy. He wants to discover the fears of each person and help them work through them, including his own.
All the couples pile into a van and head into the woods. Once they get to the cabin they start poking around. They quickly discover a life size carved wood mannequin. Richard laughs it off, even though it's a strange thing to discover. Everyone has fun posing the mannequin and they even put him in their therapy circle. Each person goes around and begins talking about their fears. Leslie (Ann Turkel) fears aging, while her younger brother Troy (Darin Heames) seems to just be constantly rejected by women, but that's not a fear. Mindy (Monique Mannen) has a fear of heights or flying, I can't remember. Richard himself has several fears and they manifest in the cabin because as a child he witnessed a terrible tragedy that he has been trying to forget ever since.
Richard's uncle who runs a Santa's Village park nearby shows up with his much younger wife Tanya. It turns out that they need to use the cabin. Richard is a little hesitant because of his experiment but he decides to include them. Tanya has a fear of water so they try to get her into the hot tub, but she has a super freak out. The group takes an outing to the Santa's village where it suddenly turns from day to night and one of the female patients is attacked and raped.
The mannequin, Morty has come to life and uses fear power from the people to exact revenge on these people. Richard continues to have flashbacks and he slowly discovers the truth about his fears. It turns out that he witnessed his mother having sex with his uncle and he told his dad. The dad shot and killed the mom but blamed it on Richard. Richard's dad and uncle buried the mom while wearing these weird wooden masks that reminded me of the goblin masks from Troll 2. I guess the mannequin was actually trying to protect Richard, I'm not sure. It has haunted Richard ever since. At the end of the movie Richard drops out of his program, so it's got a great message about higher education.
I obviously didn't remember a lot of the details so this movie didn't resonate with me much. It's a strange concept but at least it has some interesting and weird characters who react so oddly to their surroundings that it's not the worst. There is a lot more rape and attempted rape than I usually like in a movie, so that brought it down in my book too. There is a Chinatown inspired twist as well, but that was pretty gross.
Richard wears some super terrible turtleneck sweaters and Tanya has this insane jogging outfit but it was just the early '90s fashion trends in play. The rap soundtrack is really played up on the back of the VHS box, but it did nothing for me, if anything it didn't seem to fit with the movie about a bunch of old college students trying to get therapy.
Watched January 19, 2014
1993
Starring: Tracy Griffith, Jim Youngs, Charles Napier, Jay Robinson
I picked this VHS up a couple days after I bought Ticks and I was super excited that it would create a nice theme of enlarged killer inects. We waiting awhile to watch it and I was super excited. I guess I expected too much because this was terrible.
It begins with a bunch of construction workers dumping toxic waste into a mine shaft, it reminded me a little of the beginning of Jurassic Park. Cut to our hero, Roy (Jim Youngs) welding a sculpture without a shirt on. It turns out he is an officer on the local county police squad. He heads to work on his motorcycle, still shirtless, but by the time he gets there he finally puts his uniform on.
We then see a empty hill that suddenly fills with mourners, like it's a ghost funeral. No, it's a real funeral for Sarah's mom. Sarah (Tracy Griffith) moved away awhile ago and is only back for this sad event. It turns out that Roy and Sarah used to be a couple in high school. Nothing like the death of a parent to rekindle an old romance.
Roy and his partner get called out to some strange cases where people seem to have been attacked by something unknown. Two teens on motorcycles go missing. All the pieces of the plot do come together. This is a small farming town has been bought up and turned into a suburban home development. Most of the inhabitants got bought out except for Sarah's dad. There is apparently a lot of toxic waste left over from building homes, and the developers have been illegally dumping it in the area abandoned mines. Even though this town seems real dry, there is enough stagnant water for mutant mosquitoes to breed. I haven't mentioned the mosquitoes yet because it takes a long time for them to show up in the movie and they're all I want to see.
Roy begins to put together that giant mosquitoes are killing people, but then he is kidnapped. He manages to escape and it turns out that the sheriff has been orchestrating this whole thing all along. He's been making money off the real estate development and dumping the chemicals. There is the epic conclusion in the mosquito mine, Sarah barely escapes with the help of Roy and the sheriff is burnt up in the mine.
The end is super weird where it seems like Sarah and Roy have reconnected but then she leaves because she hates this town and he feels obligated to stay and save it. There is a super gross sex scene between Sarah and Roy that I could have done without. This falls into the strange category of barely a horror movie in my book. It's more like a drama with a light supernatural element because it really doesn't deliver on the mosquito attacks. At least in Ticks, they show you how and why the ticks become giant mutants. This movie was very slow and dull, even the giant mosquitoes couldn't save it.
Watched January 26, 2013
1998
Starring: Maria Stockholm, Mette Louise Holland, Tomas Villum Jensen, Svend Johansen
I didn't know anything about this movie before we starting watching it. The titles are terrible which is usually a bad sign, then I realized that it was dubbed as well. Based on all the blonds in the film I figured it must be Scandinavian and I was right as it's a Danish movie. I actually appreciated the bad dubbing it made it more enjoyable.
Rebecca (Maria Stockholm) has inherited her aunt's country estate. One weekend she heads out to explore the house with her boyfriend Mads (Tomas Villum Jensen) and her best friend Charlotte (Mette Louise Holland.) Her aunt was a well to do historian and a part of a vampire society. The mansion is still filled with furniture and artifacts. They find an old book filled with vampire stories. They flashback to the first story in the 1800's where a relative of Rebecca's is turned into a vampire. This is the only flashback story that has period costumes. We come back and the gang has discovered the crypts where they find a giant bat skeleton. Rebecca wants to keep exploring but Charlotte and Mads want to go party so they leave her in the crypt.
The next vampire story we hear is about the same vampire years later, to stay alive he has to impregnate a woman then once the baby is born drink it's blood. He finds the woman and hypnotizes her into have sex with him. After the fact she realizes she is pregnant and she tells her boyfriend, he is as first excited as the woman can't remember her night with the vampire. It eventually comes back to her and she realizes she going to have a demon baby. A priest from South America finds her and wants to destroy the baby. The vampire, Rico shows up, kills the priest but then the woman swallows some holy water and spits in the Rico's face. It burns his face and causes her to have a demon baby abortion. Then the vampire is weakened, he turns into a bat and is destroyed.
Back to Charlotte and Mads, they get tired of reading the stories and want to go party. Charlotte is still in the crypt where the vampire bat skeleton unleashes a mist that makes her recite a spell that brings the vampire back to life. Charlotte and Mads have sex for some reason when the vampire comes back to life and attacks Charlotte. Rebecca shakes off the mist spell and figures out how to destroy the vampire. Once the vampire is killed it releases her relative and an angel shows up to take him to heaven. Meanwhile the vampire is grabbed by hands and dragged to hell.
This was silly and fun, we did talk a lot during it so I missed some things but the plot was easy to catch up with. I liked the bad dubbing and the late '90s outfits. The holy water abortion is something I've never seen before which was awesome. A nice little vampire tale.
